I never knew what it felt like to lose something one held dear to themselves and as a consequence, I did not know how to deal with tragedies coating my once so vividly colored life.
Dealing with a tragedy was an ultimately individual way of moving on, a process of accepting one's fate – However, I never knew how to handle tragedies in the first place. I never witnessed one beforehand. How would I have known?
How could I have known what it feels like to lose the most precious thing in your life?
"You don't have to do this if you don't want to." A tender voice reminded me of a fact that was unnecessary to mention. I knew I did not have to. Yet, the soft tone of such seriously spoken tenderness felt like a sheer stab in the stomach. It felt like being reminded of the heaviness that would follow my agreement. As if heaviness had not been the only part of consistency in my life for the last few weeks.
"I know I don't have to." I heard myself say, but being honest with myself, I did not remember a single syllable of my words. They hung in the air like dusty fragments, about to vanish in a time span of seconds only.
The honesty in those words of mine was a matter that bothered me enormously. Every time I reminded myself of this little, yet so iffy, matter I felt each of my nerves twitch in disgust. There was a difference between having to do something and wanting to do something - and owing someone to do something.
My lips felt dry as I tried to explain myself to the woman sitting next to me and I could have sworn she was staring at me in a compassionate, pitying even, way, that made me want to run away from this situation even more. Made me want to forget that all of this was happening. That all of it was reality and not an imagery of my fantasy.
"What kind of wife would I be if I didn't go through with it?"
"I'll read it out loud then." My opposite spoke carefully, awaiting a reaction before doing so. I nodded slightly. I did not even know whether said action of mine had been a perceivable movement or not, but fortunately, my blonde opposite registered my faint motion nevertheless. Her sapphire eyes glanced at me for one last time, the worried sparkle in their core not going unnoticed, but I refused to add anything to said perception. I knew my voice would have this horribly shaking tone in it, as if I was on the verge of crying out loud.
And for once in my entire life, I was not entirely sure if I wanted to suppress the urge of shedding tears. I was not even sure if I would be capable of working against said force because, in spite of my capability, there is only so much a person can take in.
And I was sure of it, I had reached my limit already.
Everyone around me was quiet, a wave of tranquillity seemed to flood my senses. My capacity of finding comfort in quietness had decreased in those last weeks; each of my steps was guided by silence nowadays and it made me wonder if I had lost my sanity on a daily basis.
People around me were silent.
I was silent.
Our apartment was silent.
"Eli, I can read it out loud if you can't do it." Someone suggested considerately, and it was in that moment that I realized that I had spaced out, lost in my thoughts, lost in my tragedies.
I looked up into warm amber eyes meeting my gaze, before they settled onto the blonde on the chair next to me. Her hands were shaking as her slender fingers held tight onto a piece of paper, causing the margins of it to wrinkle on each side as her grip tightened and her eyes shut in an attempt to hold back tears.
In an attempt to force back emotions to feign strength. Apparent strength that was nothing more than an imagery of pretense. My mind seemed to be blank, everything happening around me was too blurry of an appearance to be fully absorbed by my numbed senses.
Umi reached for the letter in the blonde's hands, removing her quivering hands from its surface in a careful manner, wrapping her own around them to comfort Eli for a brief moment.
It was awful - Knowing that people held back their emotions in order to make you feel less miserable. They did not have to do so. In the slightest. I knew they were only trying to be as thoughtful and considerate as possible and I knew that they were trying their best to make it less difficult for me, too.
But how did one damp a tragedy this hideous? A tragedy this heavy and dreadful?
It must sound horribly insensitive and rude, but I did not listen to Umi reading out loud what was written on a page of ivory paper. I did not know how to deal with tragedies; as a consequence, I preferred not to deal with them at all. I preferred to weaken my perception to an extent that made me lose touch with reality, made me disconnect from a universe that seemed to have conspired against me.
I only decided to listen attentively, when I noticed the ending of the dark haired woman's reading aloud to near.
"...I want all of my savings as well as all of the apartments signed under my name to go to my wife. That includes the savings on my bank account as well as my private ones." Umi paused briefly, but to me, it felt like an eternity of intermission.
"I want her to lead a happy life without sorrows and worries even without me. She shall receive all of the financial assets of mine. And she better appreciate that I did not incur debts."
I never knew the feeling of wanting to cry and laugh at the same time; a paradox in itself. I never knew I was capable of feeling so many emotions at once and I regretted actually paying attention immediately. Feelings that had been shoved aside, pushed away as far as possible, crawled their way inside of me again, making me realize that they had never fully left me.
All of those weeks I had avoided getting to know what had been written by small hands. All of those weeks were sheer feigning of mine. A weak attempt of detaching myself from cruelty in its wicked way. I knew I had been a coward all along, wanting to hide myself in a hole of surrealism, isolating myself from accepting the greediness of death. All of those weeks, I had stayed quiet to feign stability when really I wanted to scream. All of my behavior had been nothing more than made up excuses in order flee from the darkness that spread its wings over me, that had captivated my senses in such a quick and ferocious way.
But being honest with myself, the walls I had built up had been crumbling down the moment I had put the first brick onto their frame.
"She shall receive all of my material belongings as well. I know she does not want to have those pink curtains hanging in our bed room because they apparently look childish. But they belong to her now anyway. Whether she wants to or not."
I have always loved those pink curtains. The only reason I had told her otherwise was because I loved the way she would get all mad at me for criticizing her precious curtains and carpets and what not. The way her ruby eyes would sparkle at me in such a challenging manner, the way her soft lips would curve into a pout, the way she had been so dedicated and genuinely interested in defending her preferences towards me, as if she did not know I secretly loved every little thing about it. I loved every little thing about her.
Everything she had picked out for our apartment, each tiny piece of its interior had been so lovingly and meticulously picked out by her, how could I have not fallen in love with them.
How could I have not fallen in love with her.
I swallowed the bitterness that rose inside of me, but a faint trail of its aftertaste remained nevertheless.
"And lastly, I want her to receive my diary. I know she reads a lot. Sometimes she would rather read a book than have sex with me." Umi paused for a short moment. I knew exactly that it was because of the mentioning of our sex life in her will and it made me want to laugh even more. All of the emotions inside of me in that certain moment were contradictory in itself. Just like Nico had been - sparkling in the flickering gleam of sunlight in one moment, emerging from the shadows in the other.
I have never been able to get to know what it was that made her so truly different from everyone else around me, but I had always felt it deep within. I had always known that meeting her had been the one particular event to change my life, to turn it upside down so impolitely sudden – In the best way possible. Never once have I appreciated the sheer existence of a person more than the existence of her. And never once have I deplored something more than loosing the one thing I had wanted to keep so desperately in life.
"I want her to read every page I have written, beginning from July last year. I did not write a lot, which is why she is allowed to read one page per month only. The diary is hidden underneath the sink in the kitchen. I put it there because she never walked into the kitchen for any other purpose than wanting to seduce me while I was cooking anyway."
"Just what is she trying to imply all the time." Eli interjected quietly, a forced smile on her face as she turned her head towards me, awaiting a reaction. I knew I should appreciate the effort she was trying to make, wanting to slacken the stiffness of my body just as the lack of communication I gave off, but I could not help notice the sad connotation in her voice.
Umi cleared her throat before finishing off, "Everyone else, please make sure that she is happy at all times. Make sure that she will finish her medical education. Make sure that her smile does not fade. I always loved the way she laughed. And please, make sure that she does not forget I loved her. I still do. Nothing can change that. Not even death."
I never knew how to deal with tragedies. And until this day, I doubted that I ever would get to know the secrecy of moving on with your life when it had been crushed into thousands of tiny pieces, unable to be fixed in a way that would make it whole again.
I never knew the secrecy of letting go when leaning on was everything I wanted to do, and I never knew how to let go of something that I wanted to hold onto so bad.
In this certain moment, I had to admit that I have never been strong in the first place. I have never been the person I wanted to be and as much as I liked to think of myself as brave and daring, I was weak and small and incredibly fragile. Nothing seemed to be more comforting than curling myself up into a ball, shutting off all those voices floating in the air like curses, shutting off the flimsy images of sceneries and organism evolving around me.
She had left and despite being gone forever, she still taught me one last thing before she would eventually turn into an illusion of my longing desire and wistfulness.
How does one deal with tragedies? I asked. And despite being gone forever, she was there to answer my question.
1st of July
I was afraid of letting her in at first.
I was afraid of showing my honest emotions, because I knew they could be used against me so easily. When I met her the first day, I wondered whether she was aware of the sparkling impact she had on her surroundings.
She was so beautiful in her individual way, I could not avert my eyes from such gracious beauty. I know, it sounds silly. And it sounds so poetic, too. I have always been bad at writing. But I needed to capture this moment so bad, I needed to remind myself of this encounter for eternity. So I decided to write it down. There's nothing wrong with such a thing, right? It's not obsessive, right? Not in the slightest. I guess.
Everyone usually says "You'll meet the love of your life in the most unexpected moment". And I have always thought of such an assertion as insanely stupid. I have always thought that one should not put his luck into fate's hands, but when I met her, my perspective of looking at those matters changed almost instantly.
But there could have been a more, let's say, romantic atmosphere to surround us. I might be just exaggerating though. After all, I'm a hopeless romantic. But like I said before, one usually gets to meet the love of their life in the most unexpected moment. And said moment had been extremely unexpected.
I know people will laugh if I tell them, which is why I prefer to write it down. We met at a gas station. Now that is just absurdly ridiculous, I know. And I had been in such a bad mood, too. She must have thought of me as an absolutely hideous little brat complaining about every matter, thinking nobody would be fit to lick my shoe.
(She for sure was fit to lick anything regarding my body.)
I had just been about sit onto the driver's seat again, after having paid for the gasoline, ready to drive home as fast as possible, when she approached me - And oh my god, the sight of crimson curls waving in chilly autumn afternoon air had been so beautiful to take in, just like the sight of her entire ridiculously beautiful face, embedded in such a pale complexion. Her cheeks were flushed, leaving them to shine in a bright red, contrasting her pale skin so perfectly, complimenting her appearance to say the least.
I could not tell what it was that made her cheeks burn so wildly but I assumed it had been the cold air encircling us on that afternoon.
Though it wasn't even that cold.
I still remember the caramel colored coat she was wearing, a beige sweater underneath. Her boots matched the color of her coat, grey knitted over-knee socks hugged her long legs, accentuating their flawlessly shaped frame.
This time, I'm definitely not exaggerating. Her body was so strikingly glorious to look at, my mind had gone blank the moment she had hurried towards me. She was simply jaw-dropping. I'm not lying here. I don't think I've ever seen someone this beautiful in my entire life. Myself excluded, of course.
I had loosened the grip on my car's door as soon as she was standing in front of me. My fingers were even shaking a little as to having witnessed such beauty. I know it sounds insanely dumb. But I have never been surer of a fact that this woman right in front of me was the woman I've wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
This is how those stupid romance novels start off. I barely ever read books, but I still remember Romeo and Juliet form middle school. Well. Perhaps, that wasn't quite the best comparison for our first meeting.
When she was standing there, lips curved into an apologetic, astute smile, I gave up completely. She had leaned forward a little, before asking if I could help her out with an issue regarding her car.
"Do I look like a car mechanic?" Had been my answer and honestly, I could have slapped myself in the face as soon as my words had left my lips. But fortunately, I had been quick to salvage calmness. After all, I am just too gay to deal with a beautiful red haired woman asking for my help. How could I have ever rejected her plea when I had practically been falling for her from the first second on?
So I complied, leaving her to accompany me to her car. And I had asked her what was wrong with it. Because honestly. There was literally nothing wrong with neither the car nor the gasoline gauge. All she had done was point towards underneath her car, explaining that she had dropped her wallet there. And her further explanation would have made me furious if she wasn't so insanely hot.
"You're pretty small, you should be able to get a grasp onto it easily. And you don't…Well - You see. I tried getting it out on my own. But I,"
And her face had been so flushed in that certain moment, it had made me want to kiss her so bad. I know. That's just impure and rude. But not everyone's thoughts are equivalent to their moral beliefs.
"Just have too much of a chest in the way."
I still can't believe she actually said that. And I still can't believe she picked me to help her out on purpose. I still can't believe she picked me because of my breast size. Because of me having a flat chest compared to her. Now that's just rude. But I couldn't even get mad at her. She had this spark within her, this impact on me, that made me settle with her impolite assertions as if she had complimented me. I mean, I can't know about her preferences after all. Perhaps, she's into flat chests.
It did not take very long for me to get said item out of its misplaced location, putting it back into her hands. My fingers had brushed hers for a few seconds, leaving a trail of her warmth behind.
Seriously. I did not want to wash my hands afterwards.
The honest and thankful smile that had greeted me as a result had been enough of a reward to me. Nevertheless, as compensation, she offered to invite me to dinner somewhere soon. She even mentioned paying for the both of us. And, knowing myself, I was unable to reject said offer. So she asked me to save my number into her phone and told me she would call as soon as she would have the time to fulfill her compensating offer.
When I drove home that day, I had felt excitement rushing through my veins. And I forgot about the screwed up job interview from before almost immediately.
Now that I'm writing all of this down, thinking back onto the situation from just a few hours ago...
Who the fuck even drops their wallet underneath their car?
12th of July
I wouldn't officially call it a date. Expect I would.
When an unknown number had called me this morning, my guts told me that it must be the remarkable crimson haired I had met a few days ago. At a gas station. In case you forgot about our hyper-romantic encounter.
She said she had arranged a table for two at some restaurant in the core of the city. I've never heard its name before, but I figured I would just let a cab drive me there.
And honestly, as soon as I had entered the establishment, I felt like entering paradise. Everything was so fancy-looking, I immediately felt bad for letting her pay for me. Then again, it had been her offer. I had not told her to pick out the most expensive restaurant around. Later on, I found out that her parents were rich. Usually, I prefer to stay away from wealthy people, knowing full well that their wealth comes with certain expectations as to what their surroundings and friends should be like. And I am nowhere upper-class.
But she was different. She was different in so many ways. The way she walked, the way she talked, the way she laughed. Every action of hers was so hypnotizing to look at, so soothing to listen to, so relaxing to be surrounded with. She was different in a way I would never be able to understand, that was a thing I could conclude from tonight's – Well. Date? I guess. I would like to call it as such.
Her name is Maki. Have you ever heard such a beautiful name? I for sure haven't.
She is striving to become a surgeon, just like her parents. And she is awful at concealing her feelings. When I asked her how and why she dropped her wallet underneath her car, she tried to change the topic of our conversation on purpose, avoiding delivering a satisfying answer. But I settled with that. I had wanted to take in every little fact about her, I wanted to hear about her goals and dreams and achievements in life, I wanted to know about her perspective on issues revolving the world, I wanted to know what she loved and what she hated, I wanted to listen to her complaints and sorrows.
I wanted all of her. All of her and more.
I wanted so much of her that I was almost mad at the evening ending so fast. I still remember the way she had leaned forward, elbow propped on the table separating us, crimson strands stroking my cheeks for a second, lips whispering, "You look gorgeous, by the way."
I don't think my cheeks have ever felt this hot in my entire life. I don't think I have ever felt this warm, pleasant feeling that settled in my stomach either.
I don't think I have ever desired someone more. And I don't think I have ever felt happier than in this very moment.
28th of July
After having had dinner together for the first time, Maki did not call for an entire week. I was way too timid to call her myself, so I feigned being unaffected when in reality, I wanted to hear her voice so bad. Wanted to hear her soft laughter, wanted to see her impish grin, wanted to see her awfully nervous way of dealing with her feelings.
I might have fallen in love. I know it sounds stupid. We met at a gas station and her first words towards me were practically calling me flat chested.
I know it sounds stupid. But I don't care about that. What I care about is her beautiful face, her beautiful way of making me feel appreciated. How could someone have such a great impact on me in such a short time? How could someone make me lose my mind this easily?
I have always been determined and ambitious, reckless in my way of getting what I wanted. But now that she has casted a spell on me, I don't know who I am anymore.
I was more than surprised when I woke up today, fingers grabbing my phone on my nightstand. As soon as the flashing light of its display greeted me, I noticed an unread message. My fingers had tapped onto the small icon of my message folder faster than I have ever reacted to anything in my life before.
But everything it said was, "Meet me at the park around 10pm."
Needless to say, I did as I had been told. And I even picked out one of my best dresses. I wanted to impress her. I wanted her amethyst eyes to sparkle at my sight.
It turned out to be a beautiful night. It seems, Maki is interested in stargazing. She had shown me many different constellations on the darkish, shadow-like horizon, her slender fingers pointing onto different stars to make their connection clear to me. She even knew all of the constellation's names and their origin and she explained all of it to me with a certain glow in her amethysts, an unduly beautiful sight of gleaming violet orbs in the darkness that had encircled us.
She was so fascinated by the starry night, I could have sworn her fingers were trembling each time she pointed towards a star to explain its connection and meaning to me.
Would it be selfish to assume that they were shaking because of her proximity to me?
I don't think I have ever been kissed underneath a starlit sky before.
5th of August
We decided to date. I still can't believe it. I'm officially in a relationship. And Maki really puts effort into it. She invites me to dinner on an almost daily basis and the other day we went to an amusement park together.
I expected everything. But I never expected the cool and collected Maki Nishikino I've gotten to know to be afraid of roller coasters.
I mean, I did not force her into it. But the way she reacted, the way she had tried to convince me of taking a ride on something else, made me doubt that she really was as cool and collected as she always pretended to be. It was fine by me. I admitted to myself that I have fallen in love with the way she was, even if it meant to accept her feigned coolness.
I had squeezed her hand throughout the entire ride, making sure that she knew there was nothing to be afraid of. I don't think that worked though. She had screamed so loud during such a short time, I thought my ears would fall off any moment.
But honestly, that is just another thing I love about her. One of the many things.
She made sure to wreak revenge on me when it was her turn to pick out the next ride. And she chose bumper cars. How iconic. I asked her if she would drop her wallet underneath one of those as well. I don't think I have ever seen her this embarrassed. That had been enough of an answer for me.
Later on, she insisted on buying cotton candy for the both us. Quite frankly, I do not really like cotton candy. But damn, this woman really loved wasting her money. It was fine by me though. I just did not want to make her empty her pockets, just because she felt the need to show off in front of me. And I even told her she did not have to do so. However, she insisted on buying several other useless things, such as a pink plush rabbit with a red ribbon around its neck. As soon as she had bought said item, she had shoved it into my arms, muttering something under hear breath that I couldn't understand, cheeks covered in a bright red as she did so. I still don't know what she said even though I had asked her to repeat her sentence, but she had said it was "Nothing".
Yet, her face did not seem to recover from its wildly burning blush so soon. I remained silent nevertheless, fondling the soft coat of the plush toy in my arms in a careful manner.
As corny as it must seem, she had picked just the right one to please my preferences. And it left me to wonder how she knew exactly what would make me happy.
It's not like she herself wasn't enough to do so already.
23rd of September
We finally took the last step, deciding on moving in together. Despite of Maki being rich, we decided to take a small, comfortable apartment in the centre of the city. It was enough.
If we had each other, it was enough.
Although I knew that Maki was rich, I decided to save a bit of the money I earned with my stupid perforce job as a waitress. Just in case.
In case things would change drastically.
Her parents had not been pleased with finding out about our relationship. They did not want their daughter to be in a same sex relationship, especially her father was furious to say at least.
But Maki was a grown woman. I mean, of course, I hated to think of it – Hated to know that her parents did not approve of us. And actually, I did not want her to cut off the communication to her parents. They were her family. But when I mentioned the topic, she glared at me in disbelief before saying, "You are my family."
How could I have possibly made an objection to that?
1st of November
Maki's parents refuse to give her money, now that she has moved out. I don't believe a word they say. It's not because she has moved out, it's because of me being her lover. How can anyone be like this towards their own daughter? The only thing that counts is that she's happy.
Being a student, Maki is unable to earn a lot of money. Fortunately, I have finally gotten a confirmation to an actual job offer, if only as a live artist at a bar. I have never been gladder about the fact that I had saved money beforehand. I knew it would come in handy one day.
And I know we can get through this.
29th of December
I am still shaking thinking of it. But starting today, I am officially engaged.
I never imagined things to turn out this way, but I am beyond glad they did. Maki was the one to propose. The moment she had pulled a small box out of her coat's pocket, the moment she had gotten onto her knees in front of all people around us, my breath had been caught. I don't remember whether I cried or not, but knowing myself, I probably did.
She had proposed to me in the same restaurant we had spent our first date at, at the exact same spot we had been sitting on a few months ago. I know, some might think it's too early for us to be engaged already.
But have you ever felt this feeling deep inside of your heart, this feeling that just tells you that everything is at its place? That everything is supposed to be like this? As if every puzzle piece has found its assigned place?
I know how heavy this promise is. I know that if affects my entire future – Our entire future.
But I know it is supposed to be. We are supposed to be.
I cannot avert my eyes from the sparkling ring on my ring finger, as much as I want to. I have to look at it every second of the day, I have to take in the sight, the pledge, that is wrapped around my finger as certification to our happiness.
There is a gemstone set onto its rounded shape – An amethyst.
I still can't believe that all of this is real. It feels like a dream – To good to be true.
17th of April
I have been married for a week now. And I don't even know where to start.
First of all, I told Maki both of us could wear a dress to our wedding. But she insisted on wearing a suit. I certainly did not complain, she looked gorgeous in the pitch black piece of silky texture. As an explanation, she said she wanted me to sparkle, she wanted everyone to see how beautiful her wife was.
Needless to say, I blushed at her words. But it did not take long for her to make a sarcastic comment that followed her sincere words, nearly verbatim, "And I want you to wear a low neckline. I know there's not much to look at regarding your cleavage but,"
She did not get to explain anything further because I had been quick to react, throwing one of the pillows on our sofa right into her face.
"I am certain of the fact that my flat chest was the reason for this relationship to unfold in the first place." I had muttered grumpily as a response.
"I wouldn't change a thing about you." Maki had responded unusually serious, putting the pillow aside again, "No matter how much I joke about your little flaws, they will always remain perks in my opinion. You don't have any flaws. You are perfect just the way you are."
I still remember the glow in her amethyst eyes as she had spoken those words. I had been speechless. And she took advantage of my speechlessness in an instant, pulling me into a fervent kiss. And it felt different than any other kiss, it felt like putting our lives under a seal of promises and honesty.
I am certain of the fact that nothing could ever tear us apart.
27th of May
I have been diagnosed with a brain tumor. Everything is horrible.
Maki slept on the sofa in the living room, she refused to share a bed with me tonight. I cannot blame her.
I could hear her cry throughout the entire night.
28th of May
I'll be admitted to hospital in two days. I still can't believe that any of this is real.
I was certain of the fact that nothing could ever tear us apart. But I obviously forgot about a matter that could neither be controlled by me, nor by Maki.
In a few days, I'll have my first surgery already. I have been informed about the risks of it, so has Maki. We had discussed the issue at great length beforehand, knowing full well that one of the risks of any surgery could be immediate death.
Maki does not want me to agree to those surgeries. She had made it clear that she would rather have a few more months with me than only a few days if the surgery would fail.
And I can understand her. I can understand that she is frightened, that she is conflicted, that she does not know what to do. She is desperate and so am I. I did not expect our happiness to be crushed in such a cruel way. And despite all of it practically being my fault, I cannot bring myself to agree with her perspective. Surely, I do respect her opinion. But in the end, it's my decision to make. And mine only.
I know that her life is affected by this as well. But we do not even know if the chance of dying on the operation table would occur right away. We have to at least give it a try. It might give me a few months more to go.
Removing the entire tumor is inoperable. We know about that. A surgeon has informed us about that matter as soon as he had announced the appearance of the tumor. And he had mentioned many other things following the disease.
I would looe my memory one day for sure. And that is the one thing that scares me the most: Loosing the memory of Maki.
In a way, I want this surgery to fail. I know it sounds insane. But I want to agree to this procedure and I want it to fail. Because if it does, I at least die with the memory of Maki in my mind. With the memory of my wife and the beautiful moments that had followed me throughout the experience of getting to know such a splendidly gorgeous person.
I was truly blessed to meet her. I am truly blessed to call her mine.
Never once have I doubted her abilities, never once have I doubted her way of making every sorrow in this world seem less worrisome. She had guided me throughout many difficult moments and eventually, we solved every problem that had been in our way. Because we found strength in our connection; just like a constellation. A constellation that existed due to many connections, a constellation that shines bright and clear on a starry night sky.
I am thankful. I am so god damn thankful to have met her and I am so god damn thankful that this stupid gas station exists.
29th of May
Maki settled with my decision, if only in fury. She was yelling at me when I explained my point of view in this matter, her words so uproarious, it had made me wince. I had not told her the reason for my decision on proceeding with the surgery. She does not have to know. It would only make her more upset.
We fight a lot these days.
It takes longer than usual for her to come back from medical school and today, she arrived at home late at night. She was drunk; I could smell her bad breath from a short distance only. To me, it had looked like she had been crying beforehand, smudged make up strains revealing that fact.
I wanted to ask her for an explanation, why she felt the need to get wasted like this. But deep within, I knew the reasoning for it already.
And the confirmation to my assumption followed as soon as she had walked into our apartment, each step of hers horribly tottery, stumbling into my arms. It only took a few seconds for me to notice her muffled sobs, eventually turning into cries.
I had held her tight in my arms, stroked her back in a careful and loving manner. There was only so much I could do for her. There was only so much I could provide her with. I did not want us to end either. And I wish I could do something to prevent this disaster from spreading its wings over us.
Then again, it's a common thing. Things like these only ever happen to the most delicate people. And Maki had never been good at putting up her cool and collected attitude, as much as she wanted to think of it as authentic. I knew she was fragile all along. I had known it all along.
Constellations could vanish just as fast as the haze of an autumn afternoon.
And not every constellation was privy to the secrecy of preventing a tragedy.
30th of May
Tomorrow is the day. I don't know what will happen. It's not up to me to decide, as much as I want it to be. Maki is there all the time. She holds my hand, she compliments me, she makes jokes and squeezes my hand lovingly.
And I appreciate it. I appreciate it that she accepted my decision. And I appreciate that she exists. I would be a good damn fool if I didn't.
She's only ever leaving in order to buy something to eat or drink and each time she leaves, it feels like a goodbye. I knew what I was signing myself up for by agreeing to this surgery. And I know, if the odds are against us, today would be the last days we could share together.
The last day of soft laughter and silly jokes, the last day of saying I love you, the last day of getting to know Nishikino Maki.
The last day of a constellation to shine on a starry horizon above before vanishing into oblivion.
And if said oblivion occurs, I at least know I have been loved by her. I at least know I have been cherished, have been appreciated, have been with the person dearest to me.
And it all started out with a meeting at the gas station. And it all started out with a dinner at a restaurant. And it all started out with a kiss under a starry sky; under thousands of constellations watching from above.
And it shall end the same way.