Hey there. I'm sorry that I've been gone for so long, I leave for university super soon. I also have been having major computer troubles, but I fixed it now! So updates should be coming pretty fast pretty soon here. Just a fair warning, I'm not sure how long this fic will be, or if I'll do a sequel to it.

How am I the lucky one? I did not deserve to wait around forever when you were there first.

"I love you, Misaki. It's okay if we do it then, because I love you. See? It's fine."

"Mom said private parts were for private."

"Yeah, but you can show them to me. You love me too, right?"
"I don't like that, Nii-chan. C-can you please stop?"

"Doesn't that feel good, Misaki? Call me Hiro, Misaki. I'm more than just your brother, right?"

Friday, April 3rd 12:37 p.m.

I hate him. He takes everything good in my life and ruins it, just like before. But then again, I do the same thing to myself, so I guess we really are related. I only write like this when I'm angry, so it's good that I kept you, journal. You're the only real friend that I've ever had.

I hate writing like this, and I don't write for "fun" very often. I can't write down my wildest dreams like Akihiko, and have them come back to me in a bigger and better way than before. For him, the paper is a gateway. It unlocks doors that he never knew existed, and it takes him to faraway places and impossible circumstances. It's an escape, a release, a way to take the emotions and let them run loose, leaving destruction and beauty all the way they go. For me, the paper is a trap. It's my way of taking those emotions that hurt me, that make me mad with rage, and lets me shut them away forever. Or for a while. The paper isn't a release, it's a refuge for my madness. This journal is my dreamcatcher, from years and years ago.

And it still holds all of my nightmares.

Takahiro began my molestation when I was young, so very young. I think that I was 5 or 6. I can't remember. I just remember that I knew it was wrong. When I read my too large handwriting here, I can see how messed up this whole thing is, and now I've dragged Akihiko into our mess. Sidenote: He likes it when I call him Usagi. I don't think he's ever had a pet name.

He's so good to me, and he's so far out of my league that I find it laughable that he thinks I'm this divine starchild. It's easy with him, easier than it's been with any other man. I love him so, so much and it finally feels good to give all of my love to someone like that, not like the other men who I've been with for the past few years. I think I really just need to let it out, journal. I messed up. I ruined some of the best times with this stupid thing, and I've felt bad for so long. I don't need to feel that way anymore.

I haven't written since Takahiro raped me when I was 15, so I might as well start there. He raped me. I told Usagi that he didn't, that he just fingered me, but I remember when it happened. When I came home from school and he hugged me and kissed me, like he always did, and he asked if I had homework. I said yes, and of course he let me go and do it, and he made dinner. After dinner, we usually played games, since we didn't really have a television. I mean, we had one, but it was just for DVDs. He asked if he could try something, and I said I was tired. I wish I'd gone downstairs, journal, because if I'd done that, he wouldn't have tried to follow me. He would have just smiled and said that I must be tired, and if I did that I could have told on him the next day. He never tried to fuck me in the morning.

He kissed me, and started to finger me, like always. I'm still fuzzy on what happened next. I remember him tossing me onto the couch and doing weird things with his tongue. Usagi has done things like that, but it wasn't the same. I remember heat and suddenly I felt really full and really hurt, like my stomach was on fire. And I cried, I cried for him to stop, but he kept going and even laughed at me and it hurt and he kept going and then there was blood and blood and he laughed and said I was a champ and there was blood and blood and

1:45 p.m.

It got to be too much, so I stopped. Usagi-san must have come into the room at some point, because there's some rice and curry here on the dresser. It's delicious. He's been practicing. He also closed my journal and put it up too. He's too sweet for me, and I should really cut him loose. I only got to be with him by putting on a facade, and it's starting to crumble now. I love him, but he'd be so much better off with someone else. Someone who wasn't damaged, who didn't have so much shit going on in his life. I've cut off everyone else that I used to know, so I should be able to start fresh. As fresh as I could be. I think I hear my boyfriend now, hold on journal.

1:50 p.m.

Well. Time for a serious talk, I guess. I'll write about it later.

Love, Misaki T.

Boom, truth bomb. Expect a new chapter up soon and in the meantime, let me know what you thought of this one! Please review and let me know any suggestions you have!