Chapter Five

"Watch where you're stepping, you blasted turncoat."

"Mind your own steps, traitor, they're some of the last you'll ever take."

"Hardly."

"Bah!"

Sergeant Schultz, walking just ahead of the two feuding officers, whimpered and thought of the nice, cool glass of water given to him by the kind Fräulein Hilda, which was now resting forlornly on the steps of the Kommandantur, abandoned in the general haste and madness.

"I doubt your aim is any better than your ability to hide incriminating documents."

"This coming from the pig with audacity enough to send infiltrators into Gestapo headquarters!"

"Only after you threatened my men and grounded my aircraft, no doubt following orders given to you by Churchill!"

The small group rounded the corner of a barracks and Schultz increased his pace, trotting towards the weapons supply with fearful anxiety. "Just a few more steps…" he whispered to himself, already thinking of places to hide. He hoped he could find a quiet spot far away from the line of fire, possibly in the prisoner's barracks, and sit out the rest of this insane day. Maybe the rest of the war, too, if he was lucky…

His hopes were dashed by a sudden snarl from Hochstetter and an outraged grunt from Kohlrausch, who had just been jabbed in the ribs by the barrel of a machine gun.

"Now I have you, Nimrod," Hochstetter hissed, "out of sight and out of mind. Those fools who fail to see reason can't save you now. Hände hoch! Schnell!"

Kohlrausch was having none of it. "Schweinhund!" he spat, going for his gun.

Hochstetter knocked his hand away and thrust the barrel deeper into the colonel's chest. "Don't even try it, traitor! There will be no more of your tricks, now or ever!"

Schultz, utterly horrified by this turn of events, attempted to scuttle away while Hochstetter was distracted. Unfortunately the Major caught sight of him and spun round, pointing the gun at the distraught sergeant's substantial midsection.

"And you're his accomplice! All Luftwaffe, working together against the Third Reich!"

"I know nothing, nothing!" Schultz cried, raising his shaking hands.

"What is going on here!?"

All three of them turned to see General Burkhalter striding angrily towards them, followed closely by a keen-eyed Marya.

Kohlrausch straightened and adjusted his tie. "Herr General, this wretched swine had no intention of participating in an honest duel. He was attempting to force the Sergeant and me into submission and presumably eliminate us."

Burkhalter frowned and Schultz flinched at the word 'eliminate'.

Marya clicked her tongue and shook her head. "You won't be regaining any honor by shooting your opponent before the duel begins, Wolfy."

Hochstetter chose to ignore the diminutive. "Duel! Ha! You think I would let any more weapons fall into the hands of this traitor? Nein! He is to be taken in for questioning immediately!"

"But your honor, Wölfchen!"

Kohlrausch, who appeared far less intimidated by Hochstetter's threats than most men in his position would be, scoffed in contempt. "Honor? Ridiculous. I've fought against communists with more honor than this pig."

Hochstetter, grossly offended, made a noise more suited to an angry buzzard than a human being and raised the machine gun, evidently intending to forgo the interrogation and skip straight to the firing squad. Schultz covered his eyes, too terrified to watch.

General Burkhalter reached out and swatted the barrel towards the ground. "Major! Control yourself."

Hochstetter, his features twisted with fury, looked down at the gun, then at up Burkhalter, then over to Kohlrausch, then back to Burkhalter. His eyes grew wide and he inhaled sharply, backing away. "Donnerwetter," he growled, horrified realization dawning on his face.

The General and the Colonel exchanged a glance. Kohlrausch drew his pistol and moved to shield Marya.

Hochstetter jerked the gun up. "Not another step!" he shouted.

"Major…" Burkhalter began warningly.

Hochstetter bared his teeth. "That applies to you too, Burkhalter!" he snarled.

The general colored through all three of his chins. "Hochstetter, drop that weapon! Now!"

The Gestapo officer shook his head, a crazed light in his eyes. "No, no, it won't be that easy for you, not this time, Nimrod!"

Kohlrausch scoffed and rolled his eyes. "Make up your blasted mind about who you're going to pile with these groundless accusations, fool."

"Silence!" Hochstetter screeched. "I already have! I see it now, all of it! How Nimrod operated when this traitor wasn't here, how so many defectors disappeared into Stalag 13, how the sabotage continued unabated, all these years! All the clues, all the coincidences, they all point to one conclusion! You're all Nimrod!"

Hogan's plan to have a quiet word with a very special British spy while everyone was distracted by the duel was derailed by Hochstetter's rapid descent into madness. And while that descent had been part of Hogan's overall plans, the speed in which the madness had manifested meant that his target—along with the rest of camp—was now focused on dealing with a lunatic waving around a machine gun. There was no way now that he was going to be able to talk to Nimrod until Hochstetter had been taken care of.

Time for Plan B.

After a few whispered instructions to Kinch, Hogan trusted that his men would be ready to do their part. He headed back to the battle just in time to hear Hochstetter's pronouncement. Stepping into the circle of Germans and Marya, Hogan raised a hand. "Excuse me, Major, if we all are Nimrod does these mean that I am no longer Papa Bear?"

"YOU ARE PAPA BEAR!"

Kohlrausch exchanged a glance with Burkhalter, "Herr General, has this man always been insane?"

"Invariably," Burkhalter said. "Major, if you haven't noticed you are outnumbered and outgunned." Then noticing that his backup was missing, he hollered, "Klink!"

Klink poked his head around the side of the barracks. "Yes, Herr General."

"Order your guards to arrest Major Hochstetter."

Klink whimpered and looked to Schultz. The guard reluctantly raised a rifle that none present believed was loaded and took a trembling step forward.

Hochstetter, however, wasn't giving up. "Halt or I will open fire!"

That was the cue Hogan was waiting on. He quickly stepped out of the way as POWs came from every direction carrying hoses, buckets and anything that could hold water.

The first spray of water hit Hochstetter right in the torso and he was pushed back into the nearest wall by the pressure. It didn't take long before Kohlrausch and the rest of Germans were similarly drenched. Plus, Hogan was pretty sure he saw Newkirk grinning as he made sure that Marya got more than her fair share of the action.

"Hogan!" Klink cried from where he had fallen in the mud. "Hoogaan!"

Hogan signaled for his men to stop. "The Major shouted fire. My men were just trying to help."

Carter nodded. "Yes, sir, A fire would spread quickly among the barracks. We had to act quickly to save our home."

"Who'd ever want to lose this paradise?" LeBeau muttered under his breath.

"Bah!" Hochstetter yelled as he threw his now useless water-clogged machine gun onto the ground.

Even looking like a drowned rat, Marya stepped forward like the princess she claimed to be as she called out, "Wolfy, darling, don't you think it's time for you to be getting on a plane to Argentina?"

Hogan's jaw dropped to the ground. This could not be! He thought Nimrod was...

Marya winked and Hogan inwardly growled. Curse that woman. She was playing him. Revenge for getting her furs wet, he was sure. Hochstetter was not their man.

"And leave the Fatherland to these traitors? Never!" Then without another word, Hochstetter stormed over to his car and sped out of camp. Never had Hogan been so happy to see him go.

Ever the practical one, Hilda began taking the officers' drenched coats while Burkhalter spoke to Kohlrausch. "After I make a few calls, I can promise that Hochstetter won't be bothering anyone anymore. I suggest you return to your post, before the Allies launch another offensive."

"Yes, Herr General." Kohlrausch said with a salute and then hurried out of camp as quickly as his dignity allowed.

General Burkhalter watched as the Kübelwagen disappeared through the front gates, splashing through the mud puddles that had been formed by the deluginous diversion.

"Most inexplicable," he remarked, shaking the water from his greatcoat before handing it to Hilda. "All of this nonsense about a British spy who is probably not even on this continent! And why should he be, with the Allies at our gates? Certainly there can be no reason why such a person would have ever been interested in a little backwater POW camp like Stalag 13."

"Yes, yes, of course, Herr General!" Klink twittered. "I, of course, knew immediately that Nimrod was merely a product of Hochstetter's diseased mind. You recall that months ago he thought I was Nimrod! Absurd!"

Burkhalter evidently did not like being reminded of his own gullibility during that episode. "Absurd, indeed. Hochstetter was a fool, but it was all your fault just the same, Klink! Just like today."

"But, Herr General…"

"Enough!" Burkhalter turned to the two ladies present and favored them with a gracious (if soggy) bow. "I feel quite certain that it is time for me to leave now. Danke for your company, my dears. I regret that I cannot take you both with me, but I believe I shall take Fräulein Marya's advice; I understand Argentina is quite nice this time of year."

With that, he sloshed over to his waiting staff car, and soon it too splashed through the puddles and disappeared through the front gates.

Hogan watched it go and shook his head. "Damn!"

Shortly thereafter Hogan and his men retreated to Barracks 2, and Kinch tried to console his commander. "So Burkhalter wasn't Nimrod after all. At least Hilda was able to snitch some semi-important papers from the General during their car ride here. And we've got the info from Kohlrausch's and Hochstetter's offices too."

"Yeah," Hogan sighed. "But what about the information that Hochstetter suspected Nimrod of having? It had to be something big to bring that nutjob here in such a state."

"Back at square one, eh, guv'nor?" Newkirk commiserated. "Still, I thought the Russian bird promised to bring Nimrod here."

"When did Marya ever do anything in a straightforward manner?" Hogan grumbled. "LeBeau, maybe you'd better heat up some sauce Béarnaise for Newkirk's hat after all."

LeBeau was already at the stove stirring a pot. "I knew my Marya would be the one...a princess and the war's most notorious spy!"

Carter turned away from the makeshift clothesline that was now strung with dripping garments. "I don't know about that, Louis. She sure doesn't look like a Nimrod to me. Where the heck IS Marya, anyway?"

Baker looked up from his book. "I saw her headed for the Kommandantur with Hilda. Maybe they were going to get dried out; poor Marya didn't look too happy in that ruined fur coat."

Hogan saw his duty clearly and squared his shoulders. "Guess I'd better head there myself. Wish me luck, men."

A few minutes later, Hogan opened the door of the outer office and frowned slightly. Hilda was not at her desk, but she'd been gone for weeks so he wasn't really surprised that she hadn't resumed her duties yet. However, there was a murmur of voices from behind the door of Klink's office, and Hogan moved silently to the door and put his ear against it.

Alas, his hearing wasn't what it used to be; no doubt due to all the explosions and rockets firing and whatnot during his sojourn at good old Stalag 13. He couldn't make out a single word!

Still, he knew that he had to face whatever was going on behind that door, and with a quick twist of the wrist he opened the door. And stood aghast as he viewed the scene before him.