Hell is a Martial Artist
Chapter III
By Ozzallos

"And Meledrian is finally making some headway with the Mano girl." Mara reported to a tanned, white haired woman behind an exquisitely carved oaken wood desk, checking off the briefing highpoints from a clipboard as she went. The blond would have been the classic image of a secretary if her long skirt, blouse and business vest weren't black vinyl and, for the most part, skin tight. "Despite the setbacks, he thinks he'll be able to deflower the child within the scheduled timetable."

Hild nodded absently from behind the desk, tapping keys at the insubstantial computer interface before her. "Excellent. How about the vampire?"

"Which one?"

Hild nodded, silently conceding the fact that she dealt with numerous vampires on a regular basis. "The one with Hellsing… What's his name…? Alardo… Aluminum…?"

Mara flipped through several pages of her clipboard before tapping at an entry. "Alucard."

Recognition lit across Hild's features. "Ah, that's the one. Damned if I can't remember every puissant vampire that crosses this desk."

"Lilith advises postponing operations for a decade." Mara continued. "She reports that Asgard's interference is getting more overt."

"Hmmm…" The Grand demoness pursed her lips. "Not that I like it, but I'm patient and Lilith is good. Reassign her in the meantime then. Anything else?"

The demoness first class looked at her clipboard. "You did ask me to remind you about the Saotome boy."

"Oh yes!" A bright smile adorned the Daimakaichō's face and she clapped with delight. "I wonder what trouble she's getting into today?"

Mara blinked. "What makes you think he—she's getting into trouble?"

"Chaos surrounds that child like a coiled spring." She explained, standing up and stepping around her desk. The shiny pink body suit she wore flowed along her like a second skin as she moved. "It would be impossible for her not to get into trouble."

"I… see." The demoness admitted hesitantly while several thoughts vied for her attention. Just what was her mistress' fascination with this child? Why does she refer to a mortal born male as a female? Did she even want to know? "Then if you'll excuse me, I'll be working on my case load…"

"Nonsense." Hild smiled widely, pulling the demoness along by the arm. "Pass it off to Bast. We're off to Nerima!"

The world is a large place, especially so if you happened to be a hungry five year old child running around without parental supervision. Things are out of reach, strangers are everywhere and the entire experience is, for the most part, simply overwhelming. Most kids would cry. Some of the more adventurous would run around excitedly for a time, then cry. Ranma Saotome, on the other hand simply splashed himself with a cup of cold water and made maddeningly cute faces at the street food vendors, who were all but compelled to give the cute little five year old girl food and snacks. In fact, if they had thought on the matter any further, the tiny redhead bore a striking resemblance to another rather well developed redhead who also frequented their stands on a regular basis.

Not that such information would have mattered, as their resistances versus cute lost little girls and voluptuous teenage redheads scored well into the negative anyway.

"There we go. Now let's get about finding your par—" One such vendor was closing the lid on a sauce pan, having just given away a stick of octopus balls to the little redhead in question. He turned back to the girl, only to find the spot she had recently stood vacated. "Little girl? Where'd you go?"

Sucker. Ranma snorted as she dropped the Umi Sen Ken cloak half a block down range, munching happily on the her ill-gotten gains. Sure she was out to find the mushrooms that would return her to her rightful age, but she couldn't do that on an empty stomach. With any luck, she'd find her batch before she ran into that idiot Ryoga again, denying the terminally lost boy the opportunity to ruin yet another cure. The last ball disappeared and Ranma glance behind her to ensure no well meaning pursuit was in progress when—

"Oof!"

The little girl bounced off something that felt distinctly like a leg and fell back against the concrete with a jolt. Ranma blinked and looked up- a long way up –a very curvy and familiar form. Purple eyes stared curiously back down at here and sunlight cascaded through the waves of white hair. Had none of that tipped the tiny martial artist off to her identity, the star on her forehead was a dead giveaway.

"I'd pay more attention to where you're going, if I were you, little one." The woman said, gingerly taking Ranma's tiny hand into hers and pulling her up.

"Sorry 'bout that Hild." The girl remarked as she regained her footing, causing Hild to blink. The white haired woman increased her scrutiny of the redhead and suddenly broke out into a smile.

"Now this is simply too much." She knelt down to the girl's own eye level, her own glittering with amusement. "And what trouble did you manage to get into this time, hmmm?"

Mara stared. Her senses weren't lying to her. It really was Ranma. But smaller. And five years old. How in the nine hells?! Her mistress certainly hadn't been kidding when she mentioned the kid's chaotic tendencies.

"Feh, magic mushrooms." The five year old stated with an amount of cynicism that no five year old had any right producing. "De-aged me and Ryoga right there on the spot." The girl looked over Hild's shoulder to find the blond staring incredulously. "Oh, hey Mara."

"Ryoga… The pig-boy?" Ranma nodded and Hild chuckled slightly. "You're taking this rather well."

"This ain't nothing." Ranma shrugged. "Pain in the ass, but at least it ain't no ghost cat, dragon boy or new fiancée." The little redhead paused, cocking her head at the woman. "Say, what are you doing here anyway?"

"Oh, we were in the neighborhood." Hild stated in a leisurely manner, returning back to her full height. "Thought we would see how you were doing."

Ranma blinked. Somebody wanted to see how she was doing? When did that ever happen in her life? And why wasn't it being accompanied by a mallet, fiancée, curse or all of the above? "Eh, Okay I guess. Just looking around for more of the mushrooms."

"Perhaps we shall help." Hild stated, taking the little girl's hand once more while leaving the child blinking at the woman's generosity.

"We will?" Mara was also blinking at the unexpected display of generosity.

"Of course." The Daimakaichō reaffirmed, leading the little redhead back the way she had come. "Over ice cream."

The martial artists' eye lit up and she eagerly allowed herself to be led back to the ice cream parlor five blocks from whence she came. Mushrooms were, of course, important, but they would still be there when she found them. Besides, a quick stop for an ice cream Sunday couldn't possibly hurt—

"Oh, I see you found your mother, little—arrrurrraaaaawwgggrr..." Ranma's head swiveled to find themselves passing the octopus ball vendor. While the sound that had interrupted his sentence was nearly indescribable, what had caused it was not.

Drool.

And there was no mistaking what was causing it, as the man's eyes took an involuntary tour of the little girl's 'mother' and the tight pink bodysuit that hugged her every curve. Mara in her vinyl secretary's outfit only augmented the effect, and Ranma watched with slight surprise as Hild played her role to the hilt.

"Oh, thank you for finding my little girl!" The white haired woman gushed, stepping up to the cart and leaning over just enough to afford the vendor an excellent view of the half unzipped front and the generous tan of cleavage therein. She took a deep breath and her feminine charms squeezed against the confines of their pink prison. "What can I ever do to thank you?"

What she did for him was enough.

More than enough.

The man behind the cart shuddered and exploded in a geyser of nostril born blood, blowing out his nose with enough force to send him staggering back into a patch of shrubbery that lined the nearby street where the remainder of his suffering was mercifully hidden from view, save a puddle of blood seeping from base of the foliage. Hild smiled at her handiwork, only to be distracted by a small sound at her back. She turned and found the redhead… quivering.

"MMrrrff." Hild frowned as the redhead twitched again. Is she going to throw up? "Hmmmrrff!" She watched as Ranma stifled another shiver. The girl was disgusted? Oh well, the grand demoness thought with dismay. Maybe she's not as fun as I originally thou—

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH!!!!"

Hild's eyes widened as a most unlikely sound exploded from the little girl, who was now on her butt and pointing at the cart. "OOHHH! OH! Ahahahah!! That was great! 'Whatever can I do for you?' Oh my God! Did you SEE him!?! AHAHAHAAH!!!"

Mara and Hild stared as Ranma laughed herself into tears for next few minutes, plunging back into the depths of hysteria every time she set eyes on the bush and the puddle of blood creeping out from underneath it. It was another minute after that before she had finally gained the composure to stand, though no less amused by the entire incident. Mara tore her eyes away from the laughing child and was equally surprised by what she found on her employer's face.

A smile.

Mara knew first hand that Hild had a number of smiles. The ones she had seen the most of over the last few centuries generally ranged from cold to cruel, with shades of impish deviousness therein. It had been a long, long time since she had seen one hovering somewhere above room temperature like the one shone at the cackling little redhead.

"Hehehe… heh…" The little girl burbled, finally regaining some semblance of composure as she looked up at Hild. "That was great. Really, I can manage nose bleeds, but that… heheheh heh…"

The comment caused the Daimakaichō to arch an eyebrow as trio continuing their walk down the sidewalk. "And just how often do you use your feminine wiles to get your way, hmmm?"

"Anytime I'm hungry." Ranma shrugged. "Can't help it if suckers want to throw food at me because I'm such a hottie in this bod." Ranma paused, looking down at her body. "Or was. I'll have to settle for being painfully cute for now."

Hild chuckled softly. "Indeed."

The girls arrived at their destination minutes later with Mara opening the door for her mistress and guest. From their first step across the threshold of the modest ice cream shop, the fates of the employees there in were sealed as both 'mother' and 'daughter' played the two teenage boys working therein with ruthless precision. If Mara hadn't known any better, she would have sworn the pair had worked out their tactics well in advance, as Hild mesmerized one boy with her beauty and Ranma dazzled the other with layers of sugary cuteness, often taking turns switching between the two in order to further liquefy the males that were already putty in their hands. Her master, Mara could understand. Even with her station, the demoness knew that her mistress found it amusing to meddle in the affairs of mortals… but the girl… They were absolutely seamless in their interaction. Hild would flirt, Ranma would pout. Hild stretch enticingly, Ranma would turn her puppy-dog eyes to their 'brilliant' settings.

In other words, it was an absolute slaughter.

The coup de gras came as the trio left the store and Hild accidentally dropped a napkin. Several faces pressed against the glass to observe the event as the white haired temptress bent over to retrieve it, affording ever observer in the shop- employees and patrons alike – an excellent view of her perfectly shaped rump encased in pink lycra that left absolutely nothing to the imagination.

The inside of the ice cream shop promptly exploded crimson, sending the little Ranma into yet another fit of giggling laughter. It was all she could do not to spill the quadruple topping hot fudge banana split sunday she had procured. It was also another five minutes before she could contain herself enough to actually partake of the treat without choking on it as they continued their leisurely stroll down the street. Ranma looked up at the self satisfied woman with a smile. "For a magical girl lawyer, you're pretty fun ta hang around."

Hild snorted. Magical girl lawyer, indeed. "Thanks. I think."

"And you're definitely gonna have to show me how to do that once I get back to normal." Ranma smirked, remembering the flailing boys.

"And maybe your boy-side too?" Hild pressed suggestively, hoping to prompt a reaction. The one she got wasn't expected as mild irritation spread across the girl's face.

"Got enough girls tryin' to do that to me already." Ranma shook her head then smiled with the recent memory of the mass bloodletting. "'Cides, I want to be on the givin' end of that for once."

"Ha! I see." Hild nodded with a generous smile. "Perhaps we can arrange something. But for now, what's next?"

"Time to find some mushrooms." Ranma stated, licking excess ice cream from her fingers. "Not exactly sure where to start. I think the originals were found in a forest somewhere."

Hild nodded. "I see. Maybe we can help. Mara?"

Mara looked at her master cluelessly for a good five seconds before realizing just what was being asked of her. "Um, boss?"

"Locate the nearest source of magical mushrooms for Ranma."

It was a simple request, but with a mortal right there in front of them… "Uh, okay." With that, she waved her hand and Ranma's eyes widened as a disembodied transparent screen and keyboard appeared, floating before Hild's assistant. The blond began typing and the little redhead watched as indecipherable hieroglyphics flowed across the screen. Mara arched an eyebrow. "I have thirty sources on file for Nerima alone."

Hild put a finger to her lips, thinking. "The nearest ones with age altering properties?"

"Let's see…" Mara keyed in some more data, coaxing a response from the floating interface. "Two sources. The first is in a Chinese restaurant called—"

"—The Neko Han Ten." Ranma shook her head, clearly irritated now. Mara simply nodded dumbly. "Figures the old hag was holding out on me."

"You can always take them from this... 'old hag'." Hild suggested, only to watch Ranma shake her head.

"I'd be hard pressed to beat her on my best day, let alone like this." Ranma admitted somewhat edgily, then focused back on Hild. "She's the one that taught me the Hiryu Shoten Ha I used against your daughter."

"Formitable." Hild pointed out, earning Ranma's nod.

"Exactly. Either way, screw 'em." The little girl bit, amusing Hild with the vulgar language being produced by what amounted to be a small child. The redhead turned back to Mara. "Where's the other one?"

The demoness tapped a few more keys. "Looks like 'Tendo School of Indiscriminate—"

"You've got to be kidding me. Thought we destroyed those…" Ranma frowned, then nodded to herself. "Yeah, me and Ryoga vaporized those thing in our fight. You sure that's right?"

Hild cocked her head, then turned to her demonic assistant. "Mara?"

"Right." The blond nodded, tapping at the transparent keyboard. "Switching to real time."

The screen's hieroglyphics blinked out and was replaced by a picture. It took a moment for Ranma to realize what the picture was. It was obviously a house. Decent sized courtyard. Even a dojo? No way…

"Whoa…" Ranma breathed as the picture zoomed down on the property. It was the Tendo dojo. Not just the Tendo Dojo, either, the little girl amended. It was the dojo now, plainly evidence by the cars moving to and fro on the streets around the compound. A pulsing red dot appeared on the house itself, overlaid on what Ranma instantly recognized as Akane's bedroom. She had more?!

Hild watched the little girl's reactions flash between amazement to disbelief. There was no doubt that there was some measure of recognition in her features as well. "I take it you know where this one is as well?"

"I live there." Ranma grumped, tearing her eyes away from the image as a pedestrian passed them by without the slightest glance. A small part of her wondered why the floating magical computers wasn't attracting more attention. "'Kane's holding out on me."

"Fiancee…number one?" Hild struggled to recall the fact from their last conversation, earning a nod.

"Yeah, that's the one. Not sure whether I should be pissed that she's puttin' me through this or thankful that she kept a few in reserve." The little girl admitted, kicking a stone at her feet.

"You did destroy the last ones." Mara pointed out as the trio continued walking, and the comment instantly earned a subtle, leaded glare from her Mistress that was gone almost as quickly as she perceived it. The demoness got the message, however.

Shut. up.

"Sounds like a spiteful thing to do, personally." Hild commented off hand, earning Ranma's attention. "You've been running around for the better part of the day now on a wild goose chase."

The girl sniffed with the slightest measure of contempt. "Probably tryin' to get back at me for destroyin' her dresser."

A small giggle almost escaped the Grand Demoness' lips. The girl herself was fertile ground. Very fertile ground. So much so that she couldn't the woman but to plant seeds around her. "You could ruin her payback easily enough."

"How's that?" Ranma was stopped now, clearly interested.

Hild smiled internally. Nothing wrong with a little harmless payback, right Ranma? "Magical girl lawyers just happen to have access to powerful magic.

Again, the little girl surprised her. Instead of jumping at the offer, she frowned slightly. "Eh, I'm not so sure."

Hild blinked curiously. It was such obvious bait, and she was passing? "And why not?"

"Magic doesn't like me." Ranma explained werily. "Mushrooms, swords, noodles, springs... doesn't matter. It all end badly."

Such fertile ground, the Grand demoness rejoiced internally! The child was a veritable playground of manipulation! Fun, fun, fun! "Ranma, you can trust me. You're the best at what you do, correct?" The little girl nodded. "Well, trust me when I say I'm the best at what I do."

"You can re-age me?"

There was the slightest glimmer of hope in her voice and Hild nodded confidentially. "Imagine fiancée number one's surprise when you walk in on her completely normal."

A smile crept across Ranma's lips and Mara could barely suppress a roll of her eyes. The girl-boy was just too easy for his own good. The smile disappeared. "Can ya get rid of my curse too?

Predictable, Hild thought, shaking her head. "One thing at a time. Jusenkyo is very powerful magic."

The small martial artists seemed to deflate slightly, but otherwise kept her chin up, as if she were expecting the answer. The fact that Hild hadn't given her a real answer did not go unnoticed by Mara, however. Jusenkyo was very powerful magic. Sacrifice reactors were always potent sources and curses born from them were all but impossible to break normally, especially when the catalyst itself was well over three thousand years old. That didn't, however, address the fact that Hild could have broken the curse with a mere thought. Her mistress had simply let the girl assume otherwise.

"Now hold still, Ranma. This won't hurt a bit."

Mara shook her head slightly and leaned against the wall at her back, watching as the Daimakaichō manipulated her newest play toy.

Akane Tendo sat on the sofa of her living, a book propped on her chest for easy reading. Not that the homework assignment in question was easy reading, mind you, but comfort counted for a lot, especially when there were two de-aged super powered martial artists running around the house. Luckily, that particular problem had taken care of itself as both Ranma and Ryoga had gone off in search of the reagent that would return them to normal… One that also just happened to be tucked safely away in her room now that the boys had seen the original mushrooms destroyed. All of that meant one thing and one thing only…

Peace and quiet.

Just the right environment for—The middle Tendo blinked as a shadow fell across the ambient light she read by, causing her to look up and--- "Ranma!" The blue eyed redhead stared at her with a smirk plastered across her face. Not only was it Ranma, but she had been returned to her original height. "What!? How?!"

Ranma shrugged, increasing her smirking to insufferable levels. "Don't worry 'bout it. Was just on my way to get some hot water."

"But you--!" Akane stared as the girl turned away for the kitchen. "How in the world did you change back!?"

"That," Ranma drawled, clearly amused with the sister's flustered state. "Is a secret!"

"Baka!" Akane bit back with annoyance. "The only mushrooms were under the kitchen table! I moved them to my—"

The girl's eyes popped open with the admission and Ranma threw on an innocent face. "What was that?"

"I mean--! That is--!" Akane squirmed under the innocence of the redhead's scrutiny until the martial artist own self control broke, and the hints of mischievous smile began to manifest. It was also an unfortunate mistake on Ranma's part, as the youngest Tendo observed its formation and jumped to an entirely wrong conclusion. "You--! YOU BAKA!"

Ranma took a step back, the smile giving way to confusion under the force of Akane's condemnation. "What? Hey! I'm the one who should be mad here!"

Akane was off the couch now, burning her part time fiancée down with a smoldering glare. "You were in my room again, you pervert!!!"

"What are you talking about?!" Ranma's own self control dissolved entirely at the accusation. "Why would I want to get into the room of an uncute tomboy anyway?!"

"That's where the mushrooms are!"

The redhead's cheek twitched. "The mushrooms that you hid from me!"

"For your own good, pervert!" she snapped. "You and Ryoga destroyed the last batch!"

Ranma ground her teeth together in a desperate bid to maintain control. "So your idea of 'our own good' is to let us think we're trapped as five year olds for the rest of our lives?!"

Akane's mouth opened but stalled under the weight of the accusation. Her argumentative side kicked back in to fill the void. "It's what you get for destroying my dresser!"

Ranma was about to unleash her rebuttal when Hild's coaching came to mind. The thought produced a impish grin within her psyche, one that abruptly put out her righteous indignation over Akane's tantrum. Anger disappeared as if it were quenched by ice, and the cold smirk resurfaced.

"Before you go blamin' me for everything under the sun, ya might wanna check your room first."

With that, the redhead turned on a heel toward the kitchen, leaving Akane Tendo steaming in equal parts anger and befuddlement. What could possibly be so important in her room? The scene of the crime? The ultimate proof of Ranma's guilt? The sister gave her fiancées back one last glare before stalking off just to find out what she had meant.

"But I made it for you, Ranma!"
"Around back!"
"No, over there!"
"It's getting away!"

The Daimakaichō of hell itself floated in open air high above the chaos below as its occupants scurried around after 'it'. While she had not had a direct hand in 'its' creation, she had certainly gotten the ball rolling with a few off hand suggestions to the boy-girl; her newest pastime. Hild burbled with delight. What was happening below her had been quite unexpected. After all, she had been aiming for something with more angst, not this… but then, it was what made the Saotome child so appealing to begin with. She was just so unpredictable!

CRaaaAASH!

"Ooh, that's gotta hurt." Mara winced, floating off to Hild's right. Her Mistress was certainly right about one thing… This kid was entertaining enough. The demoness glanced over her shoulder. "What do you think, Urd?"

The Goddess of the Past favored the pair with a bland look, ignoring the chaos below. "Don't get too carried away, Mother."

"Grab it! Grab it!"
"Don't make fun of my cooking!"
"OW!"
"I'm ordering out. Anybody want Italian?"

"Now, now. I hardly had a major roll in this." Hild gestured to the commotion below.

"No," Urd returned dourly. "You just made a suggestion or two."

The grand demoness smiled brightly. "Is that so wrong?"

"No worse than using high powered love potions on hapless mortals." Mara pointed out with a malicious grin, causing Urd's cheek to twitch.

"Like mother, like daughter." Hild followed up with satisfaction.

"No! Left! LEFT!"
"I've got it!"
"RANMA!"
"It's adapting, Tendo!"

"No," The goddess's gaze narrowed sharply on her parent. "I'm nothing like you, mother. You're petty, vindictive, cruel and callous."

The words were like a slap to the face, drawing Hild's attention from the events below. "Urd-chan…"

"Save it." The daughter bit harshly. "You use those around you for your own selfish gain… Even those closest to you."

Hild blinked. And blinked again, turning momentarily to consider the chaos below, then her own daughter with impassive mask. The moment hung heavily in the air between them before breaking. She turned on Mara abruptly with a frown. "I'm bored. Let's go."

The Daimakaichō was gone with the flick of a wrist, exploding in a small flash of fire. The resultant cloud of smoke drifted lazily into the dusk sky. Mara stared at the space her Mistress had previously occupied for a moment, then over to Urd. The demoness shrugged and was instantly gone herself, leaving the part-time Goddess of Love to hang in the sky alone while far below, one martial arts heir contemplated the scene above him…

"Again! Hit it again!"
"Corner it!"
"Eyes front, boy!"
"Ranma!"

…before being attacked once more by Akane's apology.

Author's Notes;
No, I'm really NOT this fast. In case I haven't mentioned it (which i haven't), five chapters are thus complete so far. Well, 4.5, but who's counting, right? Again, I was going to hold off until complete, but two things you should know about me: 1) I'm impatient when it comes to my releases. 2) I have the attention span of a fly. And 3) I love Ben & Jerry's Coffee Heath Bar Crunch® Ice Cream. You'll thank me for that last point at some later date. 4) There were extenuating circumstance instigating the early release of this fic.

On a side note I received THIS wonderful review: "I really hope you keep your promise to not screw him with yet another locked as a female story. I really like most of your stories, but your obsession with his females side is tiresome."

My dear anonymous sir, do you realize how much you TEMPT me? Everybody hoping for Ranma to at least retain some measure of masculinity in this fic should grab a cricket bat and beat this person down. And yes. I do have a marked tendency to Ranmachan fics. Would you like to know why? Tough, I'll tell you all anyway. Because while I absolutely love the series and the concept, the amount of potential lost in such a wonderful plot mechanic is tragically epic. Rumiko touches upon it ever so briefly in the first two books, whereupon you find next to nothing of it moving forward to 38. Instead, that wonderful plot device which she ever-so-occasionally touches upon is used as little more than a comedy bludgeon throughout the rest of the series. It literally leaves me ACHING to explore the aquatransexual dynamic in depth, along with the physical and mental aspect on such a deeply flawed individual such as Ranma.

Okay, I am now apparently ranting.

But seriously, Mister anon... And for your own good. I'm trying... I'm really REALLY TRYING... BUT IT'S ALL GOING PURPLE...AND I CAN'T SEE THEM ANY MORE...eh... yeah. Till part 4. And thanks to Metroidvania and those great peeps in one again. Any errors left over after all that are my responsibility alone. See "Things you should know about me 1 and 2".