Hell is a Martial Artist
Part 5
By: Ozzallos

"Good Afternoon!"

Akane Tendo turned away from her studies to the cheery greeting find her fiancée stepping into the bedroom with a bright smile on her face …Which was odd in and of itself. Normally any smiles that were found on her fiancées face were arrogant smirks. This one was happy.

Carefree?

"Ranma?" Said martial artist was also a couple days ahead of schedule, further intriguing the youngest Tendo. "If you just came back from your trip—HEY!"

The redhead had apparently paid her little heed beyond the initial greeting and had found her dresser drawer. She slid the drawer open easily and began to dig through the contents, quickly emptying it of every bra and panty it contained. Akane could only stare. What the….

Ranma let out an air-headed sigh. "No sexy clothes… And the bras are too small!"

Akane's cheek twitched violently and called her ki mallet into her grasp on reflex. The youngest Tendo swung for the fences on the seemingly unaware redhead only to connect with solid air. Ranma dodge on sheer reflex.

"Hey! What are you doing!?" Ranma leapt away from the next swing, causing Akane to snarl.

"That's my line!" The dark blue haired teen wound up for another swing and suddenly found her hand missing the mass of her mallet.

"STOP IT NOW!"

WHACK!

Akane looked for the mallet and found it Ranma's hand. Another Ranma's hand. Properly disarmed and now faced with two Ranma-chan's, Akane's anger at her intruding fiancée evaporated. The first redheaded girl was now out cold, while the second had procured a length of rope, tying up the first while the commotion itself had attracted Kasumi and Nabiki.

Akane continued to stare straddling the line between insulting embarrassment and sheer curiosity. Nabiki commented on the latter first. "What in theworld?"

"They're almost like twins!" Kasumi observed cheerfully. One Ranma-chan was cute. Two Ranma-chan's with grumpy pouts were even cuter.

"Care to explain this one, Saotome?" Nabiki asked with an insufferable smirk, causing the unbound redhead to sigh wearily.

"Trip was going fine until that storm last night." Ranma shook her head. "The Panda found this mansion and the old guy who lived there was nice enough to take us in."

"I hear a 'but' coming…"

Ranma nodded while her doppelganger returned to the consciousness, throwing an even more grumpy and insufferably cute glare at her captor. "Old guy forgot to mention he had a cursed mirror in the living room."

"Oh my, another curse for Ranma?"

The martial artist fought to keep the twitch from pulling at her cheek. "Yeah… so that's what happened."

"A mirror?" Nabiki asked in a doubtful tone. "A cursed mirror, no less. Honestly, Saotome, what are we going to do with you?"

"Do you understand?" Ranma barely paid heed to the middle Tendo's sarcasm, turning back to the tied up clone. "You can't go around pretending to be me—"

…And instead found a fat wooden Tanuki in her place.

"DAMMIT!" Ranma hopped up, immediately scrambling out of the room in hot pursuit.

Nabiki chortled as the red flash fled the scene. "Yep! That's a perfect copy!"

Akane fumed beside her, looking around her room and the undergarments the clone had scattered about. Its comment about her sizes made the youngest Tendo's blood boil.

"Exactly like him…"

Mara, demoness first class of misfortune smiled as she read the report handed to her but one of her lower ranked Succubi staff. She sighed as if the report were inconsequential; browsing the relevant information with a bored expression, then dismissed the Succubi slash secretary with a nod. The short skirted, black stiletto clad seductress turned on a heel that was all but sure to drill a hole into the ground and returned to her duties while a slow, mischievous smile began to crawl across Mara's face. The blonde reread the report and bared her fangs with delight.

Oh yes, she thought wickedly. It's time to earn some cool points with the boss.

Five minutes later she was passing Hild's personal secretary with a knowing smile and inviting herself into the office with a polite knock. "Hild-sama?"

The polite inquiry failed to draw the Daimakaichō's attention from the paperwork on her desk. "What?"

Mara winced at the frosty, professional tone. Perhaps this wasn't such a good time…

"Don't waste my time, Mara." Purple eyes fixed her, as if divining her thoughts. The blonde demoness shivered. "You know I punish withholding information more harshly than I do disturbing me with worthless information."

"Of…of course, Hild-sama." The demoness first class shivered, nodding. Mara stepped fully into her office, pulling out the one sheet report as if it here a ward against the violence that may befall her should the information prove less than useful. "I recently received word that the Looking Glass of Conceit was used, yesterday to be exact."

"Indeed." The grand demoness frowned. The use of a lowly class two cursed artifact hardly warranted her attention. "Report to Kakashi. He will be demonstrating his 'Thousand Years of Pain' technique on you."

The blonde blanched, and continued hurriedly. "It was Ranma Saotome who activated the mirror!"

Hild's attitude lost a great deal of frost in that moment, and a playful smile found her features. "Indeed."

Mara nodded hastily, eager to avert her punishment. She stepped around the flowing oak desk, proffering her the report. "The looking glass was activated by Saotome at eight thirty two last night, generating a single mirror clone."

The Grand demoness' smile grew and her purple eyes were positively sparkling now. "Ranma was a girl at the time, wasn't she?"

The blonde blinked, trying recall the salient details of the report from memory and how it was relevant to their conversation. "Uh, yes, I do believe he was. Why?"

The smile widened. "As I mentioned, the child is a spring of tightly coiled chaos. I'm surprised she only generated one clone, frankly."

"I… see." Mara nodded slowly and watched as Hild began to file whatever she had been working on off to the side.

"Break time!" The Daimakaichō cheered, pushing away from the desk to reveal the shiny black cheongsam that hugged her tan body like thin second skin. Mara began to follow her boss out the door when the white haired demoness suddenly stopped, turning around. "And where do you think you're going?"

"Uh, I thought… Um… well… Weren't we…?"

"You," She emphasized, "Get to finish my paperwork."

Mara's jaw dropped as she twisted around, remembering the thick stack Hild had pushed aside. "But boss!"

The Daimakaichō's smile grew downright sinister. "Unless you'd like me to pencil you in for Kakashi?"

The blonde suddenly blurred, finding a seat behind her boss' desk and starting on the pile while humming a snappy tune.

Hild nodded with satisfaction, promptly disappearing with a fiery 'poof!'.

"I LOVE YOU!"

"You gotta be kidding me!" Ranma snarled as the redheaded clone bounced from one man to another as if the main street into downtown Nerima was a veritable buffet of men to sample. Bystanders not immediately stunned after being groped by a redheaded beauty in tight white miniskirt would have succumbed to shock as her twin raced past them in hot pursuit.

"STOP!"

Landing on the doppelganger's head effectively halted her rampage, causing the creation to once again pout as she furiously rubbed the forming knot. "What?! I didn't do anything wrong! Is it possible I'm not attractive?!"

Ranma blinked with the unexpected comment as it triggered her ego in full. One thing that his girl aspect was not was unattractive. "I thought you said you were cute?!"

The identical twins stared at one another furiously for a moment before noticing the crowd around them collectively staring. The clone smiled with the attention while Ranma blushed furiously. "Dammit, we need some privacy."

Ranma's thoughts sped in circles as she drug the girl into a side ally, away from prying eyes. For all intents and purposes, the double seemed to be herself. When it wasn't chasing guys, it walked with the same martial arts gait, moved the same way, talked the same way… The major difference was this version of herself seemed to be completely without masculinity or inhibition… The martial artist rubbed her temples.Was this what I would be like as a girl? No, that can't be right, she thought to herself, studying the clone as it brushed a patch of dust off her white mini. Part of that has to be the mirror… Still…

Ranma sighed. "What am I going to do with you?"

"But I didn't do anything wrong!" The girl balked piteously. She glanced out the ally and the pedestrians passing by. "And they're all so cute!"

Hopeless, Ranma shook her head. She need help. Akane was right out. The tomboy would sooner mallet me than help me with clone-chan here. Nabiki would have her camera out in a flash. Kasumi… Don't think she could handle it. Old Ghoul? Not a chance. She could handle the magic, but there'd probably be a price. Parents? Ha! Who would… "That's it!"

The exclamation halted the clone's inching away back to the street. "What is it?"

Ranma grabbed the copy's hand and proceeded to drab her back onto the main artery. "Come on! We're going to visit a magical girl lawyer."

Hild smiled.

She couldn't help it.

Before her stood two petite redheads, one clad in red and black Chinese silks and the other a tight white mini skirt. The real Ranma shuffled nervously, awaiting her judgment while the double snooped about her earth-side office, intensely curious. All things considered, it was all the Daimakaichō could do not to laugh out loud at how the chaos followed her plaything around like a stray puppy.

Hild instead settled for an amused smirk. "I do seem to recall something about mirror clones, though how you continue to stumble across such obscure artifacts is really beyond me."

"Tell me about it." Ranma rolled her eyes. Even she couldn't help but see the irony of the situation when it wasn't being rubbed in her face directly. "Problem is, I got no idea what to do with her. It's like she's half me, half guy crazy."

Hild made a show of studying the clone, then smiled. "Told you that mini would look good on you."

"Heh." Ranma smiled openly as well now. It did look good on her. Or on her clone, as the case was. "She's been given guys nose bleeds in it all day."

"As she should." Hild nodded with satisfaction, wandering over to a book case filling the east wall of her office. Her finger browsed a couple shelves before coming to a stop upon the spine of a particular fat, leather bound book. She pulled the dark brown book from the shelf and began to flip a highly decorated fingernail through its aged pages, settling upon one in particular. The page in question contained nothing concerning mirrors, clones or even magical items, but the white haired woman began as if it did anyway

"Ah, here we go." She nodded. "The Looking Glass of Conceit. Crafted in sixteen thirty-three for Empress Hima Nobunga who spend several hours a day before it, enamored with her own beauty."

"Let me guess," Ranma interjected. "She fell in love with her own reflection, took sick and died."

Hild chuckled slightly. "Was that from experience? You haven't been looking into it, now have you?"

"Nah," Ranma shrugged. "Don't need a mirror to tell me I'm hot, but that's exactly what happened to its last owner."

"Of course, you are, child." Hild was chortling mentally with the Saotome's last comment. Ah, such wonderful pride. My pet project is coming along quite nicely… "Which leaves us as to what to do with your twin."

"Was hoping you could help with that." Ranma took to studying her clone along side Hild. The double stopped fiddling with a crystal globe mounted on the Daimakaichō's desk upon noticing it was the center of attention.

"What?"

"I mean, I can't let it run around all nuts like that." Ranma continued, shaking her head wearily. "She's worse than Shampoo and that'll get me in trouble faster than anything."

"I see you're point." Hild nodded sympathetically even as a cackle of delight resounded within the confines of her psyche. But trouble is what makes you so much fun, child! "You are correct, however. She is an amalgam of yourself and all of the pride that has been fed into the looking glass over the past three centuries, which explains her erratic behavior."

"Makes sense, I guess," Ranma nodded. "But what do I do with her?"

Hild snapped the largely irrelevant book shut with a 'thunk' and placed it back on the shelf. "The mirror itself is a class two cursed artifact; a minor annoyance in the wide world of curses. Even the clone will fade in time, depending on the token amount of life force it absorbs from the user."

"Hardly seems minor," Ranma commented, temporarily side tracked by the new information. "I mean, how many people died in front of that thing?"

"Less than fifty." The grand demoness of hell comment nonchalantly. And definitely not one of R&Ds better ideas… "It merely ensnares the weak of will and preys upon a very specific flaw in their personality, as opposed to being outright lethal. Jusenkyo, in contrast, is a class six."

"Only six?"

"Mmmhmm," Hild nodded, patiently continuing her instruction. "Like the mirror, Jusenkyo is not out right lethal, but earns its higher rank because it tends to put the victim in either a potentially deadly situation or drives them insane… Your pig-friend comes to mind."

"I guess so…" Insight filled Ranma now as her voice trailed off. How many times had Ryoga nearly been eaten? Mousse? Shampoo? And she was sure all of them had nearly been driven insane as well within the first six months of coping with the curse. She had hung on to her sanity. Mousse and Shampoo appeared to have managed as well. Ryoga… Not so sure about him, Ranma commented internally. The martial artist brought herself back to the present, staring at her double who was busying herself with a compact and lipstick.

"So what about clone-chan, here?"

"The easiest method would be to get her back into the mirror and reseal it." Hild gestured to the clone, who seemed to pay little attention to her impending doom. "Failing that, she should dissipate on her own inside a month."

"Uhhhhg…" Ranma groaned. "We ripped the seal. Gonna take a week to repair."

"Better than a month, I suppose." The Daimakaichō shrugged. "Still, I can see where chasing a nymphomaniacal clone of yourself that offers herself to every man she meets would be… tedious."

"Embarrassing." Ranma corrected, earning Hild's agreement.

"That too." Hild chuckled.

"But I like guys!" The clone protested but silenced with the white haired woman's tsking.

"Of course you do, my little clone, but chasing men like some desperate animal is bad form." She explained patiently. Ranma nodded vigorously beside her.

"Exactly!" The martial artist pushed a fist in her open palm with a loud slap.

Oh, this will just be too good, Hild thought while smiling knowingly, then turned back to the double. "Take my student's word for it, glomping men is not the technique you want to employ here."

The girl boggled. "It's… not?"

"Duh." Ranma rolled her eyes. "I get glomped on all the time and trust me, it don't work."

"Then… what should I do?" The twin asked plaintively, as if its entire world view had been turned upon its ear. The girl looked from Ranma to Hild and back for guidance…

…Guidance Hild was more than happy to provide, knowing that Ranma would be unwittingly taking notes as well. "It is quite easy, little clone. Like a fight, it's all about control… Who controls who. When you chase, you give up that control. Make them chase you, and you retain said control."

The Grand Demoness had the doppelganger's complete attention now while Ranma unconsciously nodded with her mentor point by point. Pieces of the puzzle that had built up around her over the past two years began to unexpectedly fall into place as experiences from her own life played back in vivid detail. Mousse chasing shampoo. No control, failure. Kuno chasing Akane, a similar failure. The fiancées chasing me… the same strand of logic resonated. Just like a fight…

Ranma Saotome looked upon few people with respect. With that nugget of insight, the magical girl slash lawyer Hild joined those rare few, and she couldn't help but to look upon the white haired woman in awe.

"I think I understand." The clone nodded, soaking up the knowledge.

"Ranma and yourself both have more than enough in your respective arsenals maintain a high level of control," The demoness continued as if she were teaching a class. "Both of you are irresistibly beautiful, though you will have to learn how to act and move to refine that level of control. Ranma is quite talented in that area. I'm sure she would be happy to give you pointers."

The glow of praise that coursed through the martial artist's psyche was interrupted with sudden realization that Hild had just offered her services to tutor the twin. "Now I'm not so sure I want to baby sit—"

Her mentor leaned over, whispering in her ear, "As well as occupy her until you can return her to the mirror."

Ranma's objection stalled on her lips. It would do just that, and allow her to keep an eye on her in the process. Hell, it might even be fun, she thought, remember back to the last time she and Hild had caused a four car pile up in the middle of downtown Tokyo. A slight smile crawled across her lips. "I guess that wouldn't be so bad."

"Of course not." Hild smile benevolently, patting Ranma on the head like a good child. "But your normal fashion simply will not suffice for the task at hand."

"Well, yeah." Ranma quipped at the obviousness of the statement, unbuttoning the first clasp on her tunic, then paused. "Then what should I wear?"

The smile widened. "Didn't I buy you two miniskirts on our last outing?"

Ranma's eyes widened and Hild delighted in watching the gears churn within. It didn't take much imagination to figure out what two undeniably gorgeous redheaded twins in matching black and white minis would do to downtown Nerima. There will be blood, the Daimakaicho cackled with delight. Regardless, the Grand Demoness of hell was already thinking well beyond the mischief she was inciting. Two Ranma-chans in a mini was all well and good, but pairing the impressionable- not to mention prideful -martial artist with an inhibited clone girl whose sole purpose was to bed any willing male…

…And if his friends and family just happened just happened to find out...

Priceless.

"Do you understand now?" Ranma asked, glancing over her shoulder and back to the twin in tow as they exited the building containing Hild's earth side office. "Don't chase guys!"

Clone-chan nodded dutifully, falling in step with Ranma. Unspoken in that comment was the fact that the guys were to chase them, not vice versa. It was all about that single, fleeting word spoken by Hild.

Control.

The very concept was intoxicating, as Ranma Saotome, heir to the anything goes school of martial arts, had precious little of it in her life. Parents had laid claim to her. Fiancées had done the same. Rivals sought to blame her for every wrong. Now, she was in control of something other than fight. Even now she was commanding the attention of the entire street…

…And loving every moment of it.

Of course, her clone was there right beside her. Sure, she could have retained their attention all by herself; Hild had taught her that much, but having your very own twin dressed in an identical tight miniskirt only made the effect all the more surreal. A strange thrill ran through Ranma as they traversed the street and the only thing she could even compare it to was the high of pulling off a new martial arts technique for the first time. It was the flood of control she was exerting on those passing by. The waves of attention.

It was exhilarating.

The pair cleared the business district and turned for downtown Nerima, unaware that their every movement was being monitored by a smiling demoness who new exactly what the young martial artist was experiencing at that very moment. She was the chief architect of that experience, after all. Take one emotionally repressed individual, three cups of pride, four tablespoons or praise, another dollop of self worth, two liters of attention, and finally the secret ingredient; something denied her most of her life…

Control.

Simply helping a person gain control of their own life was an exercise in boredom when you were the Queen of hell itself. Helping Ranma Saotome gain control of her own life was quite possibly the best entertainment she had had in the last hundred years. Her life being the operative word. too many of his closest family and friends had a vested interest in controlling his life in one way or another. Having those bonds broken would be amusing. Having him break those bonds and luring her to womanhood in the process would be most excellent humor. And the chaos of family friends and rivals that would ensue whether she snapped under the pressure or not during the transition would provide the grandest entertainment of all.

The Daimakaicho's chortling went unheard by the pair as they entered the shopping district of Nerima, where upon the attention they had been receiving increased exponentially. Anything carrying even a milliliter of testosterone instantly found their eyes riveted upon the two petite, shapely women in matching black and white skirts that rode two pairs of magnificent legs all the way up. The similarly cut, revealing strapless halter proudly displayed their assets for the world to see. Each click of their high heels seemed to attract the attention of yet another pair of male eyes as both girl and clone continued up the street.

Ranma's own confidence was at its peak now, having mastered yet another aspect his mentors training. While there hadn't been any five car pile ups, she hadn't exactly tried yet either, though the number of nose bleeds she was producing was more than sufficient entertainment.

"Oh, that one's so cute!" the clone suddenly squealed and the martial artist whipped around to grab her wrist before she deviated too far off course.

"No!" Ranma scolded, snapping up the clone's wrist and reeling her back in. "Don't chase! Be chased!"

"Fine…"

Ranma-chan rolled her eyes, wondering just how much of Hild-sensei's instruction the clone had actually absorbed. The thing a fragment of herself…barely, she noted. It was an aspect of herself, an aspect of the mirror and apparently just barely intelligent enough to fulfill its own chosen purpose in life… glomp on men. The martial artist frowned. It may look like her, and it may even sound like her, but she was the original and she would show it how things were done.

"Okay then, follow my lead." She told her twin and sighted her targets, two boys who apparently hadn't noticed them yet. Ranma didn't like not being noticed, especially when she had gone through so much trouble to be noticed.

The two chatty boys neared their position when the redhead 'accidentally' bumped a thermos from the discounted table of the shop they stood in front of. With calculated precision, the cylinder bounced once, then twice, landing near the feet of the boys where conversation predictably ceased as they sought the errant containers source…

…And found their wet dreams incarnate. Their eyes strayed from the pavement to their heels, climbing up their creamy thighs, around the curves of their hips, lingered at their breast for several moments before registering the movement of the full, red lips.

"Hey!" Ranma smiled, pouring in as much sugar as she possibly could.

"Excuse us!" Her body double followed, immediately, seamlessly creating the effect that one sentence had just been spoken by a single individual inhabiting two bodies. The result was instantaneous and predictable, much to Ranma's delight as both men stumbled over themselves to be of service.

"Is this yours?"

"Do you want to get a drink?"

Be chased, the commandment echoed and Ranma responded in kind, affecting a shy, demure attitude and acting as if she hadn't heard the boys. "Huh?"

Her clone instantly adopted the same, shy attitude and asked her sister, "What should we do?"

"IDIOTS!"

WHACK-SMACK!

Both boys ran off as Akane found both girls, laying into their heads with a heavy fan procured from the discount store next to them. It was Ranma's turn to rub her smarting head furiously, "Hey! Watch it! She's the fake, not me!"

"Why are you showing her how to chase people!?" Akane raged, clearing the immediate vicinity of pedestrians. It was, in her eyes, a complete mystery. Why would her fiancée be showing her copy how to pick up guys!?

Because he's a pervert, of course.

The thought rolled around in her brain a moment before being siezed by her anger. She was just about to lay into Ranma again when the redhead twisted around in surprise. "Huh?"

Akane was equally as baffled. She was down one Ranma. "Where'd she go?"

"Dammit!" The martial artist slapped her head. "She's probably back to chasing again!"

"Weren't you just doing that?" Akane favored her would be husband with a dry look. Ranma was about to protest when she cut her off. "Save it. And change your clothes, for god's sake, Pervert!"

Ranma grumbled, but acceded to her demands. As great as she looked at the moment, the last thing she wanted to do was ruin the clothes Hild bought for her chasing her own damn clone around Nerima.

One change and five minutes later, they found her in a near by park snuggling a stranger with flowers. The fraction of a second it took Ranma to identify the man she was snuggling seemed to last an eternity as brain processed the scene.

Ryoga.

And then, she kissed him.

Ranma Saotome, heir to the anything goes school of martial arts had fought her share of grand masters. She had more than enough vengeful rivals to last a life time. Her fiancée troubles were the stuff of legends. Hell, she had even fought a half breed dragon prince. None of that, however, compared to the very surreal experience playing out before her eyes.

She was kissing Ryoga.

Kissing! A slight jolt rant thought her body as the kiss lingered in that fraction of eternity. Of course, the logical portion of her brain knew that it was the clone kissing Ryoga and not herself, but it… it was her! Her body, her voice, her lips… And somewhere buried under that mirror cursed guy crazy persona was a something of herself. The fact that she had identified her cursed self as her own didn't even register as a thought. I would be fighting against kissing Ryoga of all people! …wouldn't I?

Doubt ran through the concept like a subtle fault line as she struggled to rationalize the kiss. She's… she's just a boy crazy clone. Yeah. That's it… Ranma shivered unconsciously, an act that seemed to dispel the vision, allowing the moment collapsed in upon itself, and bringing Ranma back to the present. The clone had pulled away to admire her work, only to find the lost boy she sat upon a frozen statue.

In that moment, Ranma Saotome's psyche was divided into three distinct parts. The first was her pride and couldn't help but to admire the clone's handiwork, while the second part of her remained horrified, knowing no good could possibly come from kissing her oldest rival. Tied to her pride was a third part; the aspect still being cultivated by Hild and thus the smallest of the three. It was… curious as to what the clone- an extension of herself, it rationalized –had felt.

In the end, it was too underdeveloped and pride stepped aside, allowing horror to take over upon recognizing the need to punish the clone before it molested her rival further.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

The same heavy fan borrowed from Akane Tendo came down hard over the clone's head, rendering her as senseless as the boy she had just kissed. "Owwwwww…"

The girl groaned as Ryoga regained his own senses. His brain had barely begun to process who had kissed him before suffering a fatal exception and passing out right then and there. Ranma proceeded to secure the wayward clone in a headlock causing Ranma a modicum of concern. Maybe the clone had broken Ryoga?

"Fainting in a place like this…" Ranma shook her head, then poked the boy. "Are you okay, Ryoga?"

The reboot of the Lost Boy's brain took exactly five point eight seconds; more than enough time to realize exactly who had kissed him—A certain redheaded martial artist. There were, of course, questions. Why was she there?To torment me, without a doubt. Why did she kiss him? To make my life hell! Why did it have to be so soft and—

"DAMN YOU, RANMA!"

His uppercut was swift and painful, sending the offending redhead off into spiraling arc while her protests that it was not, in fact, her went largely unnoticed. Ryoga was about to stomp off after the wayward martial artist and finish the job when fate interevened in an untimely manner, allowing the original purpose for him being in the park to arrive…. Sweet, innocent Akari…

Whom he had just disgraced.

By kissing another woman.

"Ryoga!" The girl sighed happily, though joy- predictably –was the last thing on the fanged rival's mind. Sure, the girl- Ranma -had just hopped into his lap and planted an planted a rather aggressive kiss on his lips, but that was all semantics at the moment. Akari was a nice girl. Innocent. Like Akane. And what had he done?

"Akari… Don't come near me…" The girl and her giant sumo pig looked on curiously. They hadn't seen the kiss, after all.

But Ryoga didn't know that.

"I disgraced myself!" And with that declaration, the Lost Boy promptly got lost, running from the park with a bewildered, yet dedicated Akari following at high speed while two Ranmas and an Akane looked on.

Ranma slid the door open to the Tendo household, precariously balancing on a gnarled wooden staff while performing the otherwise simple operation. Simple, however, did not take into account the fact that he had just spent not only half the day chasing his man obsessed clone across half of Nerima, then running into Ryoga during said chase.

Needless to say, Ryoga had some issues to discuss with Ranma, namely that of a certain kiss only a day earlier. The martial artist rubbed another sore spot on his body, one of many he had taken during the fight. Ranma knew he was good, but Ryoga in righteous fury mode was nothing to take lightly, much as he hated to admit it.

That, and getting the first shot in helped too.

"Dammit, Ryoga…" Ranma grumbled as he cleared the door and hobbled down the hallway. Today can go to hell, he decided. Last night his clone had found out he was really a guy, then proceeded to seduce him with all the subtlety of bull in a china shop. But was that the end of it?NOOoooooOOoo…Ranma snorted mentally. This morning it had tried yet again, this time in what Nabiki called 'the height of nude fashion', the nude apron.

Hild had bought that for him too.

Not that he would have admitted it to anybody, especially after Nabiki called him out on it with her declaration that the clone was little more than an aspect of himself. Kasumi chiming in really didn't help any, and now there was this nagging voice in the back of his mind wondering just how much of the clones behavior was his own? If he wanted to be painfully honest, there was quite a bit. It was confident, skilled, straight to the point…

…which beckoned the disturbing and somewhat frightening hypothisis that her wants and needs were- to some degree –his as well. The kiss rippled through his mind again and Ranma shivered. Pain pulsed through his body, as if reminding him that was a thought he shouldn't be having. Stupid day. Stupid clone. Stupid—

"Isn't it great, Akane?" The depressed sound of his own female voice talking in the next room stopped him in his tracks. "He really likes you."

"Wha-?" That'd be Akane, Ranma thought as the comment had obviously caught his fiancée off guard. "Uh, No way! Ranma and I are just friends!"

Ranma Saotome nearly slid off his crutch as the words hit him. AGAIN. The martial artist ground his teeth down in frustration. She's doing it again! I'm not some goddamn yo-yo for her to—

"NO!" The clone protested from out of sight. "I know that he… he… REALLY LIKES FAT PEOPLE! IF ONLY I WAS FAT TOO!"

Ranma blinked and missed the commencement of hostilities as the clone scrambled from the room into the hall he was occupying. The redhead wasn't quite fast enough and failed to dodge the Tendo School of Martial Arts touch tone telephone atttack, sending the wayward twin into Ranma at high speeds…

WHAM!

SPAlooSH!

…and predictably into the koi pond. Ranma regained his- now her –sense first as Akane towered over the pair, stone lantern poised to drop upon the both of them in a rather indiscriminant display of violence. There was only one thing the water logged martial artist as she stared up at her apparently once more ex-fiancée…

This shit has GOT to stop…

"Hild-sama will see you now."

Ranma Saotome Saotome nodded at the conservatively dressed receptionist from the other side of the secretary's desk and looked to the waiting room chairs, relieved to find not merely one, but two Ranma's safely infatuated with themselves. The second Ranma's presence- a male this time –actually went a long way in stabilizing the female version as they mooned over one another. Sure his production had been an accident as well and the Looking Glass' curtain ripped yet again, but oh well.

Yet something else I can blame on my idiot old man's appetite, she groused, walking over to the couple, grabbing at her female twins hand. "Let's go."

"But…."

"No 'buts'" Ranma shook her head, all but dragging the clone up and across the room. the male version quickly followed like a puppy, equally infatuated with not just women, but these particular women. After all, two Ranma-chans are better than one, right, Clone-kun?

"Ah, Ranma-chan!" The tanned woman delighted from behind her own desk as no less than three versions of the girl stepped through the door. "I see you brought another friend."

"Yeah, I'm startin' a collection." Ranma quipped with humor, then frowned. "But seriously, I'm at the end of my rope here."

Hild smiled knowing, standing up to get a better view of the trio while affording them a better view of her current fashion statement, a black dress with a plunging 'v' neck, highlighted in hot pink while streamers hung freely about her. "I can't promise miracles, but what can I help you with?"

The inside joke and the mischievous smile that went with it were lost on Ranma, who simply nodded. "No problem, you're just better at this magical bullshit than I am." Hild nodded, and the redhead continued, "I don't suppose you could, like, do something with them for a week? I dunno, put em to work or something? You got a huge company, right?"

"True, true." The Daimakaichō mused, sizing the pair up. "But what is wrong with your place?"

Of course, she already knew the answer.

"Keep getting me in trouble!" Ranma shook her head furiously. "They'll chase anything with two legs of the opposite sex, Akane thinks I'm hittin' on everybody and clone-chan here kissed one of my rivals. Hell, I nearly got married to Shampoo thanks to clone-kun here!"

"Ah, yes," Hild put an index finger to her lip, recalling their earlier conversations. "The Tendo girl is quite… reactionary. Honestly, you can do so much better, but that's a conversation for another time."

That statement caught her completely off guard. "Uh, yeah, I guess."

"And what to do about you two?" Hild circled around the desk, studying the pair who were barely aware she had asked a question. Instead, both were staring at one another with other things on their mind. The white haired woman turned back to Ranma. "I suppose I could arrange something to keep them out of your hair."

"Really!?"

"The least I can do." The Grand Demoness of Hell smiled. "And if you scribble down the address of the mirror, I'll even chauffer them there myself at the end of the week."

"Awesome!" Ranma gushed, and snatched at the piece of paper Hild had proffered her. A quick scribble latter and Ranma was out the door, waving goodbye and leaving the Daimakaichō in possession of two mirror clones.

"Ahem." Hild coughed, gaining the reluctant attention of one male and one female Ranma. "Ranma asked that I take care of you…"

Both clones nodded, reassured by the woman's warm smile.

"And I shall." Hild shaped the fingers of her left hand like a gun and sighted clone kun. "Pa-tooo!"

The demoness's hand recoiled and the male Ranma abruptly exploded, detonating next to clone chan in a audible pop of smoke and sparkles. Clone-chan's eyes widened in horror as she leapt back gasping.

"What!? What the hell!?"

The hand-gun took aim on the remaining clone. Hild's eyes twinkled with amusement as the girl stepped back in horror. "It's quite simply, my little clone. Your usefulness has come to an end."

"Usefuleness!?" the clone girl shook her head, clearly not comprehending the suddenly ruthless turn of events. "But you can't!"

"I can and I shall." Hild shrugged. "But thank you for nudging my Ranma-chan in the right direction." The clone opened its mouth to protest…

"Pa-tooie!"

…And was reduced to component atoms herself.

Normalcy.

It was a double edged sword in his opinion. On one hand, he was a martial artist and had long since accepted his life wasn't destined to stay any length of time in the same realm that normal people spent theirs; that is to say one with a normal upbringing, a high school sweetheart, aspirations toward college, and eventually, that nice salary position at a well established corporation. Ranma Saotome lived the anti-thesis of that existence—Life and death battles involving the dispensation of highly destructive martial arts against demi-gods, ghosts, rivals and occasionally even fiancées. Suffice to say, it rarely got boring, which was the way he liked it.

On the other hand, even the best martial artist in the world needed a vacation and today appeared to be that day. Akane was in a good mood, the fiancées were occupied by other endeavors, the fathers weren't scheming, and Ryoga was good and lost. Oh, it wasn't absolute perfection, of course. Kuno dropped by the dojo to look for his pigtailed girl and while Ranma had a right mind to make him hemorrhage from the nose, just wasn't feeling up to putting forth the effort. A foot deftly applied to his face sufficed.

No, amazingly enough it was turning out to be a lazy summer Saturday and nearly every point of consternation that normally manifested itself within his life was preoccupied with other matters, leaving the martial artist to do whatever the hell he pleased.

Grumble.

Well, almost, Ranma decided as his stomach signaled its neglect. The pig tailed boy's rooftop kata wound down and came to an easy halt. He froze in his final stance, allowing calm to once again center around him before breaking from the pose, hoping lightly off the edge and—

"Oh my!"

The Saotome kicked a foot out mid-drop, throwing momentum into a half twist that served to narrowly avoid the Eldest of the Tendo as he landed. Ranma bounced into a crouch that absorbed the inertia of the awkward landing and stared up at Kasumi with an apologetic look.

"Eh, sorry 'bout that Kasumi." Ranma said sheepishly, regaining his full height. "Was distracted. Shoulda been payin' more attention."

Kasumi's blinking ceased after another moment and the concerned surprise on her face lapsed into a gentle smile. "You really shouldn't be practicing on the roof, Ranma-kun…"

"Aw, you don't have to worry about—"

"After all," Kasumi continued. "I'd hate for one of your rivals to create another hole in our ceiling."

"—me." Ranma stalled, then noted the twinkle in the eldest Tendo's eye. He smiled. "Gotcha Kas-chan." Her own face betrayed nothing but the gentle smile, but he could see the humor, then noted the small bouquet of tulips in hand. Flowers? Maybe he could poke her back. "Who're those for? Doc?"

While the slightest of blushes adorned her face, she shook her head. "No, these are for mother."

"Mother…? But, um… She's…?" Now it was Ranma's turn to offer a clueless visage while trying to recover valiantly. "I mean, it's her birthday?"

Kasumi chuckled softly over the pigtailed boys floundering. "If you keep this up, I might have to accuse you of being as clueless as Nabiki seems to think you are." The clueless look persisted and she relented. "Mother's day, Ranma."

The martial artist's mouth morphed into a large 'ooooh' as enlightenment dawned upon him. Still, he tiptoed around the delicate topic. "You, um, do this every year?"

Kasumi nodded pleasantly and resumed her walk to the dojo, Ranma falling in step behind her. She really couldn't blame him. Sure, he knew all the major holidays, but one thing that had become abundantly clear during his stay was that the young man had missed out on a lot of social niceties during his upbringing. Being raised to think his mother was long dead certainly hadn't helped matters, especially when it came to being cognizant of holidays such Mother's Day. "It's my way of honoring her, just as Nabiki and Akane have their way."

"I think I know whatcha mean…At least a little." Ranma commented as they stepped into the dojo. The statement cause Kasumi some pause. Perhaps he did. Ripped from his mother at five and forced to live on the road for the next ten years. Even now when he had a mother, he could only be around her as Ranko Tendo. So close, yet so far away, the sister mused soberly as she walked up to the shrine and laid the bouquet at the foot of the shrine.

The martial artist watched as the eldest sister gently placed the flowers at the shrine's base, retrieve one step back and close her eyes with a silent prayer. It was a sight that invoked no small amount of envy in the martial artist… unconditional love, and Ranma was certain it was something that existed not only in her mother's death, but life as well. The martial artist watched for the scene for a moment before realizing how just intensely personal it has and retreated from the dojo out of respect. Outside the structure, the pigtailed boy let a sigh loose.

It was something he wished he could share with his mother… Without the ever present threat of a katana hanging over his head. The hopeless proposition was broken with a smile. Maybe 'Ranko' was the only one who would be seeing his mother, but that didn't mean Ranma couldn't send her a little something. The martial artist abandoned the dojo with the idea at the forefront of his mind, jogging into the now vacant house and finding his school pack from which he retrieved the necessary pencil and paper..

Dear Mom,
Sorry I can't be around, but just wanted you to know I was think' of ya and will hopefully be able to see ya soon. Can't wait! Happy Mother's Day!

Saotome, Ranma

The boy reread the terse note and walked over to the living room desk, pulling out a single envelope and stamps. He was about to turn away when another idea popped into his head. With a smile, he withdrew second envelope and returned to the table, fishing another sheet of paper from the book bag. The smile persisted as he readied the pencil once more.

Dear Hild,

Can't afford anything fancy and it's probably not my place, but just wanted to wish you a happy mother's day. I know ya don't have it easy, today of all days, but hope to see you soon.

Saotome, Ranma

Ranma nodded and packed both notes into their respective envelopes, addressing and stamping both before taking them in hand and out the house. The nearest postal box was only three blocks away and Ranma leapt over the property to shave time off his transit. Two blocks, turn the corner, another block and the red box was right in front of him…

…and standing next to it, a white haired woman with tanned skin, a revealing pastel wrap and a sour look on her face. Ranma closed the final few feet of the mailbox, prepping for battle.

"You again?" Ranma snorted, dialing up his most condescending tone. "Shouldn't you be taking care of that kid of yours?"

The round struck home before Urd could even compose a thought, causing the woman's cheek to twitch. "That kid is my sister, idiot."

The martial artists nodded as if it were simply a fact of life. "I mean I would have never guessed. You could be her mother, after all."

"Grrrrr…" The goddess growled as lightning manifested itself along her skin. "You're pushing it, mortal."

"And I got better things to do that chat with senile old women." Ranma retorted acerbically. "Was there a reason you dropped in? Mahjong night with the other old geezers, maybe?"

Urd's fist began to pale as it tightened with fury. Electrical arcs danced from it, but she managed to remain in control. Barely. "I'm here to give you a warning, jackass!"

Ranma decided to relent on his verbal assault. As much fun as it was, this poor excuse for Hild's daughter was obviously enduring his goading for a reason and that was just enough to intrigue him. "Fine. What is it?"

"Watch you back around my mother." Urd replied in complete seriousness. "You have no idea what evil she's capable of and right now, her sights are set on you."

Ranma somehow managed not to roll his eyes. Barely. Sure, lawyers didn't rate that highly on the public opinion poll, but… "Bit over dramatic, huh? I mean, if you want me to introduce you to evil, stick around Friday nights at about six. When you here the word 'sweeto!' yer in the right place."

"Idiot!" The Goddess of the Past was fuming once more. "Your immortal soul is in jeopardy! If she has you sign a contract, it's over!"

This time Ranma didn't suppress the roll of his eyes. "Look, just because you don't get along with her doesn't mean you have try and fill somebody else's head with your bullshit. I got enough people already trying to do that already."

"I'M TRYING TO SAVE YOU!"

"And delusional to boot." He quipped then adopted an exaggerated contemplative pose. "Why is it I always seem to attract the crazies…?"

"JACKASS!"

With that the woman was gone in a puff of smoke, leaving Ranma to chuckle as he slid his two envelopes into the red post box. God, what an airhead…

"Letter, Boss."

Mara handed the pink and black clad Daimakaichō a small white envelope, prompting her to arch an arched eyebrow. She looked at it then back her current project, a malnourished, mousy looking man with sunken eyeballs and the nub of a black mustache hanging beneath his nose. He was chained spread eagle to the ring of scorching hot oven bricks, ensuring every contact with the ground was as excruciating as possible. Hild's eyes lit up with curiosity as she noted the sender and she ignored the whimpering little man momentarily in favor of parting the seal with a highly decorated nail.

"Peeeehhh…. Peehhhhh…." The tortured man rasped, barely having enough energy to pull in the breath necessary to make his plea. "Peeehhleease, mistress Hiiiild…."

The smile the white haired woman's face was like that of a kid in a candy store as she pulled the note out. Her eyes never left it as she commented, "More fire-ants, Oggna."

A huge, red skinned demon with broad horns and several strands of red hot chains dangling from them smiled, bearing several rows of gnarled fangs. Beefy claws grasped a bucked that danced with flame. Inside, ant-like creatures rippled with anticipation.

"Mistresssss Hillldddd! Pleeeeeasssse!" The man's eyes widened and he suddenly found the ability to stuggle in quite an animated manner as the demon held the bucket over him "Have mercyyyy!"

The Grand Mistress of Hell paid him no attention and unfolded the note with anticipation, her eyes flicking back and forth as she read the terse note's contents. Purple eyes blinked at the words, then blinked again as she reread the letter.

"AAAiiiieeeeEEEGHHHH!!!" The man twitched painfully as thousands of flaming insects crawled about his skin, biting with piercing mandibles. Anywhere they found an orifice they journeyed, ensuring no part of the man's body remained unsampled. Still, the chains remained taut throughout his struggling.

Mara took her eyes off the withering man for a moment, finding a lost look on her mistress's face. It was completely at odds with the expression she had started to read with. "Um, Boss?"

She looked up at her subordinate with a bewildered look. "She sent me—He's not—I can't—"

Demoness First class Mara looked at her boss, then the piece of paper. What the hell had the Saotome kid written, anyway?

Hild folded the letter back up, noticing the attention. Mara was half tempted to rub her eyes to be sure, because she could have sworn Hild's were positively sparkling now. "I'll… be in my office." She seemed to think on the course of action, then nodded. "Yes. No disruptions. Period."

"Um, sure Hild-sama." The blonde nodded, watching the Daimakaichō's back as she found the nearest exit from the super-heated torture chamber.

"Hiiillld-sammmmaaaaa!"

Hild paused, nearly having departed the room completely when the last gasp found her ears. She smiled a bit wider. "And more fire ants for A-chan."

"NOOOoOooooOOO!"

The Queen of Hell left the chamber, a smirk on her face.

Author's Notes:
First of all, thanks to everybody who's managing to hang with my release times on this fic. I know they can be rampantly abysmal and I do apologize. Other projects have taken priority but I'll keep pumping it out when I can.

Clone-chan; For me, this is perhaps one of the most intriguing chapters in the entire Ranma ½ series. Here we have Ranma, manly man, donning a tight mini for little better reason than to show his clone how to pick up guys. This goes above and beyond both ego, and somebody who uses a body as a throw away item. This story aside, I see definite attachment to the body and it's times like these when I wish RT would have gone deeper into his psychological state. In any case, it builds more than enough into canon for Hild to have a pretty free hand in events.

Ranma-chan; Since when did I say Hild would get away with making Ranma a girl?! Laugh and pretend you got the joke. Anyway, this is still not a 100 -chan fic, though it will feature heavily in the fic. That has been the warning since the beginning since Hild likes the idea, as does the author. Plot to this end will be revealed as necessary.

Follow Along; Most of the events in this chapter- while attributed to hild -can be seen in book 35, including the scene with two Ranmas in a mini.

Special Thanks; To mah peeps, Miz Lear, Metroidvania G and Dustin D. Anything remaining after their fine work is my shizzle. And my nizzle. Or something.