The very next day, I got another new customer…a woman in a clown suit.
My boss ran and hid in the kitchen. The delivery guy hauled ass to his car.
I picked up my pen and ticket book and got ready to take her order.
"I'm just waiting for someone," she said. Great. I knew what that meant.
"Can I get you something to drink while you wait?"
She sat there, sipping her soda. One by one, my other customers thought of other places they needed to be. Pretty soon, she was the only one left.
I was on the phone, taking a delivery order from a friend of mine, when the other woman came in.
She was a stunningly beautiful woman, a dead ringer for Bettie Page, except for her coloring. Gorgeous red hair contrasted sharply with the soft, pale green of her skin. She wore beautiful strands of ivy around her wrists and neck like priceless jewelry.
I forgot everything and stared at her, feeling totally inadequate.
"You still there, Space Monkey?" Parker asked, recalling my attention to the phone. (Space Monkey, of course, had been his nickname for me ever since we were classmates at Reeve High back in Metropolis. It was the hair. He had been very impressed with a girl brave enough to shave her head.)
"Sorry," I said. "Code green." I hung up on him (I already knew exactly what he wanted and where he lived, and probably could have come up with his credit card number if I had to) and went to greet Poison Ivy.
"Do you serve vegetarian entrees?" she asked.
"Yes, we do." I reached for a menu, expecting her to ask for help making a selection.
"Why?" she demanded. "You won't eat the flesh of those filthy beasts, but you think it's all right to exploit poor, defenseless plants for your own satisfaction?"
"Give her a break, Red," said the clown girl.
"Harl, this is ridiculous!"
"Well, she ain't in charge of what they sell." The clown girl had a nervous-sounding voice at odds with her perky smile.
"Would you like to try our wontons, ma'am?" I asked. "They're made of cream cheese. And we have really good tea." I've never met anyone who could turn down a nice cup of authentic Chinese green tea with a little ginger, oh, god, I want some tea.
Where was I? Oh, yeah, Poison Ivy.
The tea tamed the little venus flytrap, and she was chatting happily with the clown girl when the Joker came in. I could see right off that sparks were going to fly. I had to do something fast if I wanted to have a place to work the next day.
"Welcome back, Mr. Jay," I said. "How was the Mongolian Chicken?" Just distract him. Just get his mind off of blowing things up.
"Let me put it this way: as long as you keep making food that good, I promise not to destroy your little restaurant. Not even for a laugh."
"Thanks. I know how much that means. Would you like the same thing tonight, or would you like to try something different? The Sesame Chicken has been very popular tonight."
"Pooh? Do you want Sesame Chicken?" he asked the clown girl. Poison Ivy got this Look on her face. I started to duck.
A bag of cheese wontons hit the counter near my hand. I turned just in time to see my boss disappearing back into the kitchen.
"Kuo Tsuey! That's no way to treat good wontons!" Seriously, throwing wontons is like putting the holy grail in the dishwasher. She never would have done such a thing to a normal customer's food.
I gave Poison Ivy an extra fortune cookie to make up for it.
"Call me, Harl," she said sternly before she left. "We'll have lunch."
As soon as she was gone, the clown girl turned into a completely different person, latching onto the Joker like an alien facehugger.
"I don't know how you put up with her," the Joker said. He looked severely annoyed, whether by Poison Ivy or by his girlfriend's clinging, I didn't know.
They ate in-store that night. I had no more customers that evening. I kissed any hope of getting decent tips goodbye the moment I realized this was going to become a pattern.
"See you around, Space Monkey," the Joker said as he escorted Harley out the door.
This time, I did crawl under the buffet table to cry. But I did manage to wait until he was gone, and I never lost my friendly smile.