Chapter 3

Kylo woke very early, if he had really slept any tonight anyway. Cold sweat encased him as he recalled the nightmares he was having. He turned and saw Hux, quietly sleeping away the night next to him. Kylo laid there trying not to move, for fear of disturbing this sleeping ginger in his bed. Trying to not relive the nightmares that have been plaguing him since the destruction of the Star Killer base. The light was there now. A faint glow in the distance. Burning, there is a burning in his abdomen as he silently sits up from the bed. As he moves it becomes less sharp of a pain, he carefully pulls the sheets up and puts them closer to Hux. Swinging his legs over the side of the bed, the burning disperses entirely as he stands from the bed.

Walking through the dark room he picks up his cowl, cloak, mask and boots. Reaching the door, he throws on his cowl and cloak. Snaps his helmet into place and lifts his hands towards the sleeping Hux. With a gentle motion of the Force he turn the ginger to face the other side of the room while tucking the sheets around him. Hux, doesn't seem to notice and simply readjusts to his new direction towards the wall. Kylo opens the door and quickly walks out as it shuts behind him. He drops his boots on the ground outside and slips into them. It was still dim in the hall at this hour, but he could feel it again around him. Trying to encase him. Trying to blind him, but thankfully it was just out of sight for now.

"3 days… going back to my master to complete my training…what else must I do? What else do I have to do to prove myself?" Ren thought to himself as he stood in the hallway. He lets out a small sigh and tries to shake this sensation from him. He continues on down the hall, making his way to the gym. Perhaps some time in the training room will do him some good. Once he reaches the training room he orders all troops out and locks the door behind him. He could not have these idiots running about the area if he was going to try and meditate. The only thing that he misses from the Star Killer base is that he had a specially designed room in an isolated section of the base reserved just for him to focus on the darkness.

Ren moves to the far end of the room, removes his heavy attire and mask; placing them in a pile a few feet from him. He takes a clean mat from the bin and lays it down before him, sitting down he begins to set himself up for this session. He reaches for a pouch he has on the back of his belt and unclasps it, a string of beads is lifted out of it as he grasps them between his hands. This is the only thing that he owns that is from his life as a solo, his training to be a Jedi. Each bead heavy and colorful, made of stone. Shimmering and dense, he remembers selecting each stone and carving them to fit the string he fashioned together to make this. No one knows he still has this, not even his master. He has meticulously hid these from his mind anytime he is interacting with his master or any of The Knights of Ren. These beads were made by him, for him to focus on The Force; although it is not the same side that he is concentrating on now.

He reaches out to the light panel through the force and turns each off around him one by one, starting at the door. He also locks the control entrance panel from the inside, now only he and Hux will be able to access the door. Thinking that Hux is too busy anyway to come to the gym now anyway. It's always a good idea to just have it open for him so he doesn't start on a rant.

He takes the necklace of blues, golds and reds in his hands and loosens his grip so that they hang around his palms. Closing his eyes he begins to concentrate on his hate, his passion, the darkness around him. "Peace is a lie, there is only passion. Through passion, I gain strength.
Through strength, I gain power. Through power, I gain victory. Through victory, my chains are broken. The Force shall free me." With each line of the Sith code passing through his mind a soft clack is heard when his fingers roll through the beads one by one. "Peace is a lie, there is only passion." Clack "Through passion, I gain strength." Clack. He continues drawing on the anger inside himself. "Through strength, I gain power." Clack. Becoming a hypnotizing chant in his mind. ". Through victory, my chains are broken." Clack. Drawing on the constant sound to keep him in order. "The Force shall free me" Clack. Razor sharp pain filled his senses in a flush of red. Biting his lip, a light flickered on in a flash and burst overhead. Chewing on his lip he tries to push through the rush of red he is experiencing. Another comes on in a dazzling glow and shatters. He continues to chant.

As the time passes by him. Minutes. Hours. He can hear the crackle of glass falling around him like snow. Trying to ignore the rush of red dancing around him he continues to chant to himself. An agonizing heat pushes through him. The sensation of being fire. Suddenly all the air rushed out of his lungs and he tumbles to the floor. Ren groaned, trying desperately to breathe again and in all the red twirling around him he recognized one form…one person… "Father" losing his focus now. The light starts to meld into the red. "I CAN'T!" He losses grip on his necklace as it clatters to the floor. His body went icy cold around the burning in his abdomen. Such a bewildering sensation. Color swirling around him as he forces all of his anger outward demanding the Force to purge these memoires. These thoughts. He saw that girl again. In his mind he saw his father die, over and over again. Each time he wanted to take it back. If only he could take it back. "NO I CAN"T! IT"S TOO LATE FOR ME!" He screams upward.

Darkness radiates from his screams. He wants the darkness consume him. To destroy him. To destroy this suffering. A bright white surging through the colors begins to pull towards him. As it is about to reach him Ren reacts, grabbing a small blade from his belt and stabbing it straight into left forearm. He cringes through the pain and uses it to fight back the light with his pain. He exhales gritting his teeth. "It's still here… every time I try to meditate it keeps finding me…" He thinks to himself. The sensation of the warm blood starts to drip from around the blade. He pulls it away and slams his hand with it to the ground. It drips and began to soak through his sleeve. He draws on the pain to keep himself in check. With this he is able to focus again on the black room. He breathes deeply and can feel the dark side answer to him. The trickle down his arm is a reminder of his strength to overcome anything.

He once again grasps his beads. For Kylo, this passion is as close to a sense of peace that he can find. After a while he notices that the drips were starting to diminish, the white was creeping back into his vision. He grabs his blade once more and with a swift thrust drives it into his arm with no hesitation, deeper this time and leaves it there for now. Deriving his focus from this now throbbing pain. His body is cold. The burning from his abdomen has left him now. He was left to feel the emptiness now.

Blood starts to escape from around the wound again and Kylo breaks his meditation. When his concentration is broken he finds himself with the heat of the light warming him. "NO MORE!" he curses the light as he stands igniting his light saber. He starts violently swinging his blade, not as a tantrum as others see but as a way to use his rage to his advantage. Slashing and smashing the walls, floor and any equipment within his reach. Leaving glowing streaks of red in its wake. The rest of the lights in the room flicker on and shatter around him like snowfall. Now panting and surging with energy he pulls the blade free from his arm and tosses it in the direction he thinks that mat was. As he does this blood rushes faster pooling on the ground next to him. The cold comes flooding back to him and he is silent and still. Only his heavy breathing remains with the sounds of dripping to comfort him. His body starts to shiver, and he can feel his heart calming.

Trying to fight the frigid shudders rising up his body, the only warmth now is what is fleeing his arm to the floor. Lightsaber flashes off and he clips it to his belt before dropping down to his knees. Throwing his head back he summons the force to drag his beads across the floor to him, they trailed through the red puddle under him before reaching his hands. "Can I ever truly escape this?" He wonders. There is too much still running from him. He whispers aloud "Maybe I shouldn't…" Through the darkness a light appears, but not the one he has been running from. "Hux" he knows he is the one standing in the now open doorway. His vision blurs. "Maybe it's for the best." He tells himself as he grins to the shadow of Hux whispering to him "Don't hate me…" as he loses sight of Hux and fades into a darkness he is not familiar with.