"I'm leaving the girl you think you know behind me, forever"
Standing in dead silence in my room... the only sound being that of the ticking clock on the wall, staring down at the empty bag in front of me, wondering what I'm supposed to do, usually packing is just for a week or two, maybe a month... but this is like... having to pack my entire life, I mean... where the hell do I start? do I bring clothes? money? well yes I do need money, but where am I going?
Lets skip forward about an hour of me rummaging through my closest and looking over every inch of my room to find what I need. Mostly clothes with some essentials in there too, toothpaste, a toothbrush, pads; y'know... for that time, some pens (why?) and my stuffed purple giraffe, I couldn't bare the thought of leaving that behind.
I zip the bag closed and move on to the most important bit... money.
How much do I have? how much will I need? I have no idea as I have no idea what I'll do, hell there's even doubt in my mind as to whether or not this is good idea to begin with.
But every time I question it, every time I think to myself "should I just forget it?" "should I just put the stuff away and go back to normal?" "its not too late to go back to school" my mind answers the questions for me with one simple answer "no" blunt, straightforward, simple to understand, its what I really want inside and I can't just be a coward again like I have been countless times in the past, not this time.
Having a look around, not only my room but every other room, I managed to scrape together near enough $2000 which I guess would be enough for... a flight?
OH MY GOD CAT YOU'RE A GENIUS! What better way is there to leave your old life behind than by leaving the country itself?
With the idea now firmly in my mind I wasted no time in calling for a cab to the airport, patiently waiting and thinking, not really having a plan set out yet... but having any sort of plan at all is better than just wandering the streets waiting for an answer to jump out in front me.
The sound of a horn tells me the cab is here, its time to go, with my bag in one hand and the money stuffed away safely inside it I get up off of my bed, stopping at the door just before leaving, turning to look back at where I've always considered my special place, the one place above all else I would always feel safest.
I look over everything, the walls decorated with posters and pictures, shelves filled with stuffed animals, a desk with my computer and all the essentials I needed for school, and my bed, no matter what happened in my life I would always wind up back home in my bed, sort of the safe place within the safe place in a way, I could be alone with just inner most thoughts in bed, sure I spent a few sleepless nights there but it was my bed and I wouldn't want any other.
With a heavy sigh and a pain in my heart I turn off the light and pull the door closed, whispering "goodbye Cat" to myself as I hurry down the stairs, locking the door and taking the key with me as I go.
The cab ride is a long, silent one, when I got in he ent over where we were going again and I told him the airport was right, he asked me where I was planning on going but not even I knew how to answer that one.
Conveniently en route to the airport we ended up going right by my school, or my old school now, Hollywood Arts, it was now the end of the day so all the students were filing out, I felt a buzz in my pocket and checked my phone, it was a message from Tori.
"Hey Cat, where are you? we got an A for our film! and we were gonna go get sushi to celebrate but we're waiting for you"
I put the phone away without replying and look out the window, watching my school pass me by, "goodbye Hollywood Arts" I whisper to myself.
"Here we are" the cab driver pulls to a stop, I get out, take my bag and pay him and he leaves, so here we go... I've come this far, I could easily turn around and head home now but every time the thought so much as crosses my mind I inwardly kick myself forward, knowing its what I have to do.
Walking through, surprisingly quiet but then again that's no surprise, in a few hours it will probably be as busy as ever.
I don't have a ticket so I figured I may as well buy one, so I go over the desk where a woman is, greeting me with a smile, "Hi, how can I help you?" she asks, "I um... what's the next departing flight that tickets are still available for?" she turns to her computer, types away and turns back to me "there's one ticket available for a flight to London, leaving in 2 hours" PERFECT!
Having to pay a considerable amount for the ticket, at least $700 really hit the money I have on me hard, I sat waiting for my flight watching the clock tick away, eating a sandwich and drinking a cup of coffee I had bought myself since I hadn't yet eaten today.
I was starting to get bored waiting and I saw that I still had an hour and a half left, so I took my phone out and opened up a notepad, thought for a while before beginning to type.
Hello, my name is Cat Valentine, by the time you read this I will be long gone and I don't want to be followed so I'll be leaving my phone right here at the airport, who knows who will pick this up, who knows if anyone will even read it, but if you do, well... congratulations I guess, for all I know it could be so long before someone reads this I may even be dead while you're reading this.
But anyway, before I leave my life behind there are a few people I want to send a final message to, I'm not going to send it directly to them because they barely listen to me anyway so it'll be in the spirit of how things have always been.
Mom, you were the first person I ever knew, the first person I ever saw when my eyes opened in the delivery room, you've been the only person that has been there for me for every single day of my life and I can not thank you enough for it, you'd help me with anything and everything I needed, I could always go to my mom, be it school problems, friend problems, boy problems, or even intimate problems you were the ear I needed to listen and the shoulder I needed to cry on, at least you were... now I feel like I don't even exist to you, I try and speak to you and you disregard it, always feigning that you're "too busy" but its okay, you're the reason I came into this world anyway, and for that, I will always love you.
Dad, the other half of the puzzle that made me, they say every little girl has a special connection with her dad and I am living proof that that's true, sure mom was my go to but for some things you just need your dad instead, you would always check to see if there were monsters under my bed and you'd always tell me there weren't, apart from the time you hid under there and jumped out and made me wet myself... I haven't forgiven you for that and I never will haha.
We'd argue sure, but at the end of the day you were and always will be my dad and I was your little girl, I say was because... I'm not anymore, like mom you've just lost interest in me and I feel like I may as well be dead to you, and if this is my last message to you, well... I still love you dad.
Oh, my brother, where do I start with you... the most backward individual I've ever laid eyes upon and I've seen my reflection staring back at me, the very reason my hair is the color it is now, thank you for throwing that vase at me... kinda.
When mom and dad weren't there you were my guardian, you were the one to look out for me, even if you didn't want to you did it anyway, I'd make you take me to the park or to see one of my friends and you did because you wanted to see me smile, and one night when mom and dad weren't home yet, I had never gone to bed without at least one of my parents in the house and the idea terrified me, you sat with me, read me bedtime stories and even sang a song with me, you told me "Cat, I love you, and I'd go to the ends of the earth to protect you" well, prove it.
Tori, ah... Tori, my best friend, at least, my best friend who doesn't yell at me all the time, I still remember the day you stole the show at the big showcase filling in for your sister, and of course the first day I saw you at school, and how could I forget the first words you said to me...
In a way you were the sister I never had, I could come to you for anything and I mean anything, you were always the friend I could turn to in my hour of need, and we certainly had some memorable times, whether it was you kissing my boyfriend, in a way that kind of brought us closer together, or us winding up in prison in some strange foreign country, great plan on getting us out of that by the way or else we'd still be there, or that time you performed at the Platinum Music Awards, which I really loved, my bibble addiction aside, oh and of course the time you and I performed together, that will always be my most special memory I've shared with you.
We spent countless hours together, days and nights and I grew to consider you as family Tori.
Jade, Yes... Jade, you might be a little backward, oh who am I kidding, you're very backward, and mean too... but if I say that you'll hit me, regardless of all of that however, I've seen the real you, I've seen that even you have kindness in your heart, and I know it kills you to admit but its true and I love it.
You were my first true lifelong friend, I'm not quite sure how we wound up being friends in the first place but I wouldn't change it for the world.
I guess its true, opposites attract, I guess with Tori being a sister to me you were too, but like, my older, bossy, protective sister, always sticking up for me and never letting anyone else be mean to me, only you haha.
Sure we had a few fights, and arguments, and you may have tried to kill me a few times... I waxed off your eyebrows and you shaved my head bald, but I guess that's just how we showed our love for one another, its weird, but its true, I love you Jade.
Robbie, my favorite boy in the whole world, well apart from the times you want to play pirates, but we wont talk about that because its um... dirty.
Everyone can see you've had a crush on me, even I can see it, but you never could muster up the strength to tell me exactly how you felt, sure there were VERY strong hints, I mean the way you play pirates was enough of a hint alone, but again... not going into that.
I love everything about you, your sense of humor, your guitar playing, your personality and just every little detail that makes you, well... you.
Maybe we would have ended up together at some point, if I hadn't just run away from you again, and who knows... maybe at some point... I love you Robbie.
Andre, my older brother, wise, kind, funny, always happy, I enjoyed all the time we spent together, the few times you asked me to record vocals for a song, you know... when you weren't asking Tori, it was always a pleasure to see your musical genius at work and I have full belief it will take you to wherever you want to be in life.
You've always been a protector to me, much like Jade only in the sense that you weren't mean to me while stopping others from being mean to me, if that makes sense.
I wish we could have spent more time together but I was always a little bit too childish, maybe later down the line our paths will cross again, I hope.
I love you Andre.
Beck, hmm, what do I say about you... very similar to Andre, one of the boys who would always look out for me, and I'm sorry I left you stuck in your own RV, next time you go to the beach I won't be there so hopefully someone else like Tori will run off to use the bathroom, and have enough sense to come straight back rather than get sidetracked by boys.
Much like with Andre's musical knowledge I loved seeing your acting and filming genius at work, whether I was in the play or movie, or just watching you, I always had a fantastic time doing so and I will always remember each and every one, I love you Beck.
And to anyone else... teachers, counselors, friends, acquaintances... even Trina, you have all touched my life in a way that will always hold a place in my heart, I wish I could go through each and every single one of you and tell you just how much you mean to me, yes... even Trina.
But I have to go now, I have to leave my life behind.
I love you all.
I wipe the tears from my cheeks, hearing the "final boarding call" for my flight, making me stand up, I turn around and stand still for a moment, thinking through countless memories I've spent with all the people I just wrote about, yes even Trina, mentally debating with myself whether or not its really worth leaving behind, but with a heavy sigh I turn my phone off, looking down at it, a tear rolls from my cheek and falls down, splashing on the screen.
I set the phone down on the chair I was just sitting in, look at it one last time, before I turn around, take my bag, and walk away.
"Goodbye..."