Author's notes: The chapter title is from Evanescence's song My Heart is Broken, and the previous one from from the Script's song, Breakeven. Please enjoy. I don't think all the chapters will be this length, I think most of the will end up being quite a bit longer.

Merlin left Arthur's chambers as soon as he could. As he listened to Arthur go on and on about how he planned to reform the laws to make magic legal again, and how it would take a bit of time, but it would definitely be worth it, Merlin felt like all the air was being sucked from the room. He felt like he couldn't leave fast enough. He couldn't handle looking Arthur in the face anymore after all the time that he had lied to him. Is still lying to him. It seemed like it was easier to keep his secret while magic was illegal and he had the excuse to say that he kept it secret to protect himself and Arthur from being executed.

Merlin didn't know if he should tell Arthur now. Well, he knew that he should have told Arthur a long time ago, laws be damned. The trust had been there from near the beginning. He was Arthur's most trusted advisor, for goodness' sake! He could hire someone much more sensible for the job as adviser, but he steadfastly relied on Merlin's word on certain matters, especially those concerning the citizens in the lower towns or outlying villages. Merlin had always felt like it was such an honor to be considered Arthur's right-hand man, now it just feels like a lead weight on his chest, crushing everything that felt right and good about their relationship out of him.

Once back in his own room, bypassing Gaius' sleeping form, he closed the door and leaned back on it to take a deep, steadying breath. It didn't work. His breathing was increasing and increasing, and soon enough he found himself hyperventilating while crouched in front of his door, head between his knees. He didn't know when he had gone from standing to sitting, but now that he was there, he didn't think he'd ever stand again. His breathing was loud in his own ears, and his vision was tunneling down, black closing in around him.

Arthur. God, what had Merlin done? He's going to be devastated when he finds out, because it's only a matter of time before he eventually does. 'He's going to throw me in the dungeons to rot. Or burn me at the stake. Chop off my head. There's no way he'll let this slide. No way. I have betrayed him in the worst way imaginable.' Merlin's thoughts continued like this for quite a few minutes.

What Merlin did not realize was that he must have been making more noise than he thought he had. Enough noise to rouse Gaius from his slumber, and make him investigate the commotion.

Gaius knocked on Merlin's door, "Merlin? Are you alright? What is going on in there?" When Merlin didn't answer- couldn't answer- Gaius tried to open the door, but Merlin was still sitting in front of it. "Merlin? Please, open the door, you're scaring me."

At that, Merlin was able to roll over onto his side, and away from the door enough for Gaius to open it. When he saw Merlin curled in on himself on the floor, he immediately became more worried. "Merlin! What's wrong? What's happened?"

Merlin continued to gasp for breath, unable to breathe properly to answer Gaius. However, Gaius seemed to understand and was then able to pull Merlin back into his former position but with his head further down between his knees. Rubbing his back up and down, Gaius said, "It's okay, calm down. Take a nice deep breath for me. It's just a panic attack. Once you get your breathing under control, we can work out whatever is bothering you... Come on, deeper breaths... slower now. That's right. Now, with me, in… out… again... "

After a minute or two of Gaius guiding Merlin through his breathing, Merlin was finally able to pull in long, deep breaths consecutively. "There we go. Much better. How are you feeling now?"

"Like a sack of dung," Merlin replied shakily.

Gaius chuckled quietly at that. "What's wrong Merlin?"

Merlin knew that if he looked into Gaius' eyes, he'd then burst into tears, and straight into another panic attack, so he kept his gaze locked onto the wood grain pattern of the floor between his feet, head still between his knees. Taking another two deep breaths, Merlin was finally able to answer, "Arthur is planning on legalizing magic."

To say that Gaius was shocked is an understatement. Merlin could feel his surprise even from within his shame-bubble. His eyes flickered up to Gaius' face to confirm his feelings, not long enough for eye contact, just enough to see his eyebrows reach his hairline.

"Why is that a bad thing?"

Merlin gulped, and his breathing instantly got shallower. "Alright, take it easy. We can just talk it out, everything will be okay," Gaius said gently, trying to curb the oncoming attack.

"No, it won't!" Merlin suddenly shouted, making Gaius jump a bit from the sudden volume. "It won't be okay, because then Arthur will see what a fraud I am. He will see that I am no different from Morgana or Agravaine. He'll have me executed, or worse, he'll tell me to leave and never want to again. I can't bear the thought of never seeing him again, Gaius, I can't. It hurts too much."

Gaius waited until Merlin was finished getting everything off his chest to speak. "Merlin, you know you are different from Morgana. Morgana hid her magic and then used it against Camelot and Arthur. You have never done such a thing. If you were to tell Arthur right now, yes he will most likely be angry, and ask you to leave, but not permanently. He cares for you too much to do that. I don't think he could bear the thought either. There will be no easy way to tell him- if you decide to tell him, which I highly advise- because you have, indeed, kept this from him for years. You two are best friends, he will feel betrayed, but that shouldn't keep you from telling him. Because you two are such good friends, it means that nothing will tear you two apart. So just, think on it. Don't just spring it on him, because that would be cruel. You have to easy someone as stubborn and rash as Arthur into things like this."

Merlin listened to every word Gaius said, because he was the wisest person he knew. He could feel himself sink deeper into his depression when Gaius confirmed that Arthur would feel betrayed, which was Merlin's biggest fear, but once he realized that it was inevitable, he felt like it would be just another obstacle to cross. Just another evil to fight, and he could work with that.

He nodded to Gaius, and slowly stood up on his shaky legs, and held out a hand to Gaius, who took it appreciatively.

Merlin didn't say anything after that, just wrapped his arms around Gaius for a few moments because he felt vulnerable and hugs helped with that. Then he turned, kicked off his boots, shimmied out of his trousers, untied his neckerchief, and climbed under his blanket, letting everything fall to the floor. Gaius left without another word.

Merlin laid in his bed, staring unseeingly out his window, letting everything that happened today wash through his mind, and hopefully his subconscious would figure out a solution by the time he woke in the morning.