Author's note: Here we go! I don't know if I said it before, but I won't have ANY pattern when posting chapters. I'm basically writing, reviewing, and posting when I'm done. So it is highly likely that to post another chapter tonight, or I won't for a few days. Do not worry, I am definitely not abandoning this. It's all planned out. And the chapter tiltle comes from Twenty-One Pilots' song Stressed Out.
Merlin woke slowly, almost afraid to open his eyes and face reality. He had to face Arthur today. He had to look Arthur in the eyes knowing that he was a giant liar, a fraud. He had always known he was lying to Arthur, but this was the first time he actually, acutely, felt the consequences. And they felt worse than terrible. They felt like they were able to tear a hole in the very ground he stood on and he would fall for eternity, never reaching the ground.
As slowly as he could, Merlin drew back the blankets, lowered his feet to the floor, and sat at the edge of the bed, mentally preparing himself for the day ahead.
He could do this. Has been doing this for six years now. And didn't that thought just crush his motivation and determination just a bit?
With a big inhale, Merlin stood and got dressed, running a hand through his hair in a halfhearted attempt to tame it.
Merlin dragged himself out of his room, down the stairs, and passed Gaius on his way to the door. He waved goodbye, and gave a slight tilt of his lips to soothe Gaius' worried frown, and left without breakfast. He would just grab a roll from the kitchens as he got Arthur's breakfast.
The roll sat uneaten on Arthur's tray as Merlin made his way into Arthur's chamber to wake the slumbering king. Placing the food down on the table, Merlin somberly made his way to the windows to open the curtains. His "Rise and shine" wasn't nearly as cheerful as it usually is, and Arthur picked up on it immediately, but chose not to comment on it.
"Breakfast is on the table. What would you like to wear today, sire?" Merlin asked, moving to the wardrobe.
Arthur stretched, and looked at Merlin funnily. He was never this serious, especially in the mornings before all his chores roughened him up a bit. "Um, something blue, I guess." Arthur then got up, and sat at the table to pour himself some water, seeing as Merlin didn't do it beforehand, but then again, he forgets that often, so maybe it's nothing.
Merlin pulled a royal blue tunic out of the wardrobe along with a pair of dark brown trousers, and laid them out on the bed. Then he went to make Arthur's bed, as the king ate his meal.
Merlin moved about the room, doing his various chores silently. This was most unusual, and not something that Arthur could let go.
"What, no witty banner this morning? You're never this quiet. I don't know why I'm mentioning it, it should be a blessing, but it just feels weird."
Merlin just shrugged, said, "Don't have anything to say," and continued to pick up random items from the floor.
Arthur studied him for a bit longer, then decided to let it go. He had much more important things to worry about this morning than his awkward manservant. "I have a meeting with Geoffrey this afternoon to discuss how to undo my father's laws. Care to sit in?"
Merlin froze. There was no way that he could handle sitting in a room where Arthur talked so openly about legalizing magic. Not a chance. So he came up with the first excuse he could think of. "I would love to, sire, but I still have to mend some of your shirts that I forgot about yesterday. Then I promised Gaius that I would gather whatever herbs he needed from the forest because he settled my debts… from all that time I spent… in the tavern… that one week..." As the excuse went on, it lost its steam, and just started to sound a bit ridiculous. But Merlin guessed it was enough for Arthur because he just waved his hand lazily, as if to say 'whatever', and continued eating.
Sighing internally in relief, Merlin went back to straightening odds and ends around the room so as to avoid Arthur's suspicious gaze. When Arthur finally finished his meal, and stood up to go change into his day clothes, Merlin quickly moved to clear the table, and rush to the door. "Anything else, sire?"
Arthur looked in Merlin's shifting eyes and said, "Just muck out the sables before you go fetching herbs for Gaius. It has been put off for too long." Arthur then went behind the divider, to change, and Merlin slipped out of the room.
Out in the stables, Merlin shoveled out the horse manure mechanically, his mind far away. Well not too far, just back up in the castle where Arthur was most likely meeting with Geoffrey to go over the legal delicacies that were involved with turning the kingdom on its head - or right side up again, depending on your point of view.
Merlin steered his mind to the possibility of actually confessing everything to Arthur. To get everything off his chest and out in the open. Then he remembered Gaius' words and immediately decided against just throwing his words out there. But he had no idea how he should easy Arthur into it. It's not like Arthur were a baby that Merlin was teaching to swim, he couldn't just gently ease Arthur into accepting his magic by exposing him to little tricks and treats. It would not work that way. The only way Merlin could think of that could possibly be, well, not easy but not traumatic either, was to just sit Arthur down, start with an apology, then an explanation on why he lied, and then a confession about what he lied about. Then, hope with all his being that Arthur didn't act then think.
That could work. It should work. Now, all Merlin needed was to know when to do it. He definitely couldn't do it today, or within the next couple days, he had to work up the courage first. Which was weird because Merlin typically acted first and thought things through later, quite like Arthur. Courage had never been something that he was lacking, despite all that Arthur joked that it was.
Okay, so Merlin would do it in the somewhat near future, but not too near. He could do this. He could come clean to Arthur. He could explain that his intentions were only ever pure. He could convince Arthur that he would never lie to him ever again.
He could break Arthur's heart.
Oh gods, he can't do this. He's going to make Arthur think that he Merlin didn't trust him, and never trusted him. That Arthur couldn't trust Merlin despite everything they had done for each other.
No, no. He has to do this. He doesn't think he could handle reigning in his magic while others practiced so freely. And what if so amateur, some showoff, decided that they should become Arthur's protector? There is no way that they would be able to defend him from all the bad magic that Arthur attracts like a magnet.
That settles it, before magic becomes legal, Merlin has to confess everything to Arthur, and prove that he will continue to protect him and Camelot, just like he has from the beginning.
He can do this.