Author's notes: So sorry for not posting last night, but I worked for what felt like an eternity. But here it is. It is actually what I had planned on being two chapters, but I condensed them, otherwise it would have been another cliffhanger sort, and only about 800 words. So... enjoy. This chapter's title is from Sam Smith's Song How Will I Know

Merlin guided Arthur by the hand towards a bench next to an abandoned fire. Lighting the fire -not by magic, definitely not now- Merlin sat beside Arthur, careful to leave some distance between them. Merlin's hands were shaking violently, so he squeezed them between his knees and drew in an unsteady breath. Arthur furrowed his brow at Merlin's shaking hands, concerned that he was going to be told that Merlin was dying or something. He brought his eyes back to Merlin's when he noticed that Merlin opened his mouth to speak.

Mouth wide open, Merlin just stared at Arthur for a moment. Then he had to look away, because he didn't think that he would be able to get a word out if he could actually see the point when he broke Arthur's heart. "R-right..hmmm…" Merlin's breathing was so unsteady it was affecting his speech. He tried again, "I um- hmmm. Well I want to let you know that everything I say here will be the whole truth, nothing will be false, but I want you ask you to please let me finish before you speak or react, or anything. That is all I ask. Can you do that for me?" Arthur hesitated slightly before nodding his head twice. Relieved, Merlin inhaled shakily and started, "Right, so, um. Well, another thing you need to know is that all of my actions had only been to protect you and Camelot. I never did anythi-" Merlin paused, thinking about freeing Kilgharrah. "Okay, only once, but I did not know the consequences, I should have, but I didn't, and it was for the greater good. But I'll get to that eventually."

Merlin paused to get himself back on track, and decided to start at the very beginning. "Okay, so the real reason I came to Camelot was because I did not fit in and my mother thought my life was in danger, and that Gaius could watch out for me. He's an old family friend," Merlin smirked nervously. "She sent me to Gaius because I'm a-" Merlin gasped in a breath, feeling his eyes get hot. "-because I'm a s-s-sorcerer, Arthur. I have magic." At his confession, he had to look Arthur, he felt compelled to because some little bity part of him hoped that maybe Arthur either already knew, or would accept him with open arms. What he saw instead made him look quickly back at the ground, and swallow down a sudden sob. Arthur had frozen, staring deep into the fire, his face blank. Any emotion at all would have been good, Merlin could deal with anger, but this lack of expression Merlin knew was a bad sign. The last time Arthur looked like this was when he banished Gwen from Camelot.

But true to his word, Arthur let Merlin continue, he didn't immediately draw his sword or start yelling. Whether he was actually listening, Merlin didn't know. "I was -uh- born with m-magic, I didn't ask for any of this to happen to me, but I haven't tried to get rid of it either, because I'm not ashamed of my magic. What I'm ashamed of is not confiding in you, Arthur. Because you are my best friend, and I will do anything you ask of me. I know I should have told you sooner, and I am definitely regretting that now, because I'm sure we could have worked through this if I had. But I feel like I have waited way too long, and you're going to resent me for it, which I was trying to avoid at all costs, but I can't anymore, Arthur. You need to know, and deserved to know about four years ago." Merlin stopped, breathing in to stop himself from breaking down and sobbing now. He needed to finish.

"I thought you were the biggest prat on the planet when I first saved your life, actually, which should mean something, I hope. It was day when Lady Helen came to sing and then tried to kill you. I stopped her. Almost not in time, but I did, thankfully. I have done so much for you Arthur, and I'm not saying this to get any kind of recognition, because I don't need or want it. I want you to know that even though I have betrayed your trust, I never did it with evil intentions."

Merlin swallowed, trying to wet his dry mouth, and snuck a glance at Arthur. He hadn't moved, not an inch. Looking back at what he was now thinking of as his 'safe zone' Merlin continued, "So I'll just start telling you some of the things that actually happened, shall I?" Merlin chuckled, weakly, and a bit sadly.

Merlin then spent the next hour going over some of the events that had taken place, and how they actually happened. He picked some that he thought were more important than others, but mentioned that there was more so that he was keeping his promise about telling the whole truth; and then he definitely went back to explain the whole releasing-the-dragon-was-a-good-thing part.

Once Merlin finished, he drew in a deep breath, hoping to feel better, but it didn't work. He turned towards Arthur one more time, "So, um, do you- do you have any questions, about an-anything?"

Arthur didn't move or turn to look at Merlin, and he did not say anything. Merlin kept looking at the blank face next to him, and started squirming slightly, wishing Arthur would do something, anything really.

Then he did. But it was to get to his feet and slowly make his way back to the castle. Not a word spoken, or glance thrown in Merlin's direction.

Merlin felt the tears that he thought he had gotten rid of finally run down his face silently, and he took a shuddering breath, looking at his hands still tucked between his knees, too afraid to look at Arthur's retreating figure.

Merlin stayed out by the embers of the dying fire for another hour or so, contemplating sleeping on the hard bench, not entirely trusting his legs to carry him. However, he eventually managed to force himself to stand and slowly make his way to the physician's chambers.

Once there, Merlin quietly opened the door, trying not to wake up Gaius, and crept to his bedroom. He climbed to two steps, opened his door, and carefully closed it behind him. He leaned back against the door, feeling his tears begin to fall again, and proceeded to strip himself of his clothing and crawl under his covers, praying to never have to leave their security ever again.

In the morning, Merlin woke to Gaius knocking on the door, "Merlin, you can't oversleep today, Arthur has a big day ahead of him, and he'll need your help. Come on, get moving."

Merlin rolled out of bed and pulled on some clothes. Doing up his boots, he thought about what he was going to do about Arthur.

Just thinking about him made Merlin's chest hurt.

He left his room, nodded in Gaius' direction, and made his way towards the kitchens to fetch Arthur's breakfast.

Surprisingly, Arthur was already awake and dressed when Merlin knocked quietly and walked in. Merlin set the food tray on the table, poured some water in a goblet for Arthur, and then began to tidy up the room.

Wordlessly, Arthur went and sat at the table, but picked at his food. Merlin noticed, and said nothing. But then he had a thought. An unpleasant one, yes, but it could be their only salvation.

"Um... sire?" Arthur flinched, but gave no other indication that he was listening, so Merlin carried on. "I was w-wondering, if it would be possible if I could take some time off to go visit my mother in Ealdor. It's been awhile since I've seen her, and I think now is a good time." Merlin finished and cleared his throat, feeling a sudden thickness in it. When Arthur still didn't respond, Merlin took that as a 'no' and resumed cleaning the room.

"Do you plan on coming back?" Arthur asked in a quiet voice, almost a whisper, making Merlin jump.

He had said it with just a touch of an emotion that Merlin could not identify. And truthfully, he didn't think he wanted to. Arthur reading between the lines should not have been surprising, but to actually have him speak it aloud Merlin's thoughts was what was shocking. Merlin himself did not know whether he wanted or even should return.

"I -uh- I don't know, sire."

Arthur nodded his head, like he knew that would be Merlin's response. "Go ahead," Arthur said, with a little wave, as if he were dismissing Merlin. Merlin hurriedly gathered the clothes he piled in a basket, and cleared the table, seeing as Arthur wasn't going to finish it. Then, with his arms loaded, he left the room, not looking back to see Arthur's face.

Merlin did not wait to start packing. As soon as he had taken the laundry and dishes down to the kitchen for cleaning, Merlin quickly went back to his room, and started throwing everything he owned into his knapsack.

He was mostly done when Gaius returned, and noticed Merlin's door wide open, with the boy running back and forth. He approached the room just as Merlin was sliding the book of spells into his pack. "You told him, didn't you?" Gaius asked, seeming to discern it all from Merlin's face.

Merlin's jaw started to quiver, and then, once again, he was crying. He drew in a great stuttering breath and put his face in his hands. Gaius came up to him, turned Merlin to face him, and pulled him into a hug. He rubbed his back, trying to soothe the poor boy. "Is he sending you away, or are you running?"

Merlin answered in a small, wet voice, "I asked him if I could go visit Mum, and he said yes, which was the first thing he's said to me since I told him everything last night. He didn't say a word, Gaius. Just got up and left. So I thought it best if I leave Camelot."

"A wise move, in my opinion," Gaius said, which made Merlin stiffen. "It gives him time to think everything through and cool off. Some time apart will be good for you two." Gaius continued to rub Merlin's back.

"But Gaius, I l-lo-"

"Shhhh, I know, Merlin. I know." That soothed Merlin more than it probably should have. To know that Gaius was aware of how he felt about Arthur. If it was that obvious, maybe Arthur would know that Merlin was sincere in his explanations. Maybe. Hopefully.

After packing his things, Merlin finished his chores, which, thankfully, were not in the castle, then found a young serving boy to take Arthur his dinner, then wake him in the morning. He would basically take over Merlin's spot until Arthur decided to find someone else.

With everything settled, and just before sunset, Merlin walked out of Camelot with a letter to Hunith from Gaius and his heart feeling broken beyond belief.