Chapter 3 - Unhand me, you...hand!
.
"So after departing *koff*gettingkickedoutof*koff* The Castle, I made my way to Kokiri Forest to look for the first temple," Link recounted. "The first thing I saw was a little pipsqueak who told me I couldn't enter. He said that unless I had a fairy, I wasn't welcome in the forest, to which I replied that he should really clean his mouth out with soap for using a slur like that. I held one finger up against his forehead to keep him at bay while he wildly and comically flailed his arms in frustration. I entered the hollowed-out tree trunk to the forest proper and remember thinking that I must have entered Neverland and found the Lost Boys (and Girls)...although I also remember sincerely hoping that I wouldn't run into the ghost of Michael Jackson who would no doubt have a field day here. The whole forest was populated solely by kids who claimed to have no parents except for a tree who gave them life and told them they would die if they ever left the forest."
"Sounds like you unwittingly walked into the most devoted tree-hugging cult of all time," remarked Zelda.
"You're the one who sent me there so you should've known that already, Zeruda!"
"Ugh, let's not start with the Asian pronunciation name-calling again...Rinku! Wait, how old are we supposed to be in this story again? 'Cuz it seems like we're all of about five years old right now."
"LOL, yeah," Link said. "Don't you think it's funny how in so many of our games we're a measly ten years old or so from start to finish? I mean, ten-year-olds are known for many things, but great strength, remarkable intelligence and uncanny ability to focus on one task for long periods of time certainly ain't any of 'em. I guess if you wanted to defeat Ganondorf by annoying him to death with constant repetitions of 'are we there yet?' or 'I'm bored,' then ten-year-olds would totally be your go-to heroes. But...wait a minute—I thought all ten-year-olds were already busy catching Pokemon in Johto or Kanto or wherever..."
"Hmm...I think we're supposed to be seventeen in this story...minus all the typical acne and moodiness, of course," Zelda added.
"Yeah, who would want to play a game with a character who's a typical teenager? The dialog would include such gems as, 'Nobody understands me! Why do I feel so moody all the time?' And, of course, the classic: 'Why is hair growing there of all places?'"
Zelda suddenly seemed very flustered. "Have you been reading my diary again?!" she demanded.
Link inevitably facepalmed, muttering to himself the whole while. "Anyway...I asked for directions to the temple and they pointed me toward the mysteriously-named Lost Woods only after giggling profusely. I should have taken that as a bad sign but instead, showing no fear, I marched right on in, totally unaware of what awaited me. After wandering around aimlessly for a few hours only to end up back at the entrance every. single. time, I decided to just try cheating the game by attempting to clip through a wall. For the uninitiated, that's a glitch that speedrunners frequently take advantage of to skip whole parts of a game. Yes, even in a game as beloved by everyone and their grandma as almost any Zelda game, there are guaranteed to be at least a few bugs. However, I only succeeded in making myself look like an idiot by jumping into walls over and over again, giving myself cerebral hemorrhaging in the process."
"You succeed in looking like an idiot far more often than you think," Zelda quipped, doing a bad job of hiding her giggling.
"You know, Zelda, I'm friends with some of the lead programmers of our games. So don't be surprised if some 'modifications' are added to the next game that cause you to have buck teeth or a severe case of flatulence or something," Link threatened. "Just sayin'." Zelda only scowled in response.
Continuing on, Link stated, "Just when I was about to throw my controller at the floor in anger and go play another game, I ran into this creepy man-child who was attached to a balloon floating in the air. I grabbed a nearby rock and tossed it at his balloon to bring him down faster than the first flight of a prototype airplane. He promptly introduced himself flamboyantly with the fruity-sounding name of 'Tingle.' He kept shouting 'Koo-loo-limpah' or some other nonsense and was wearing the most ridiculous getup I've ever seen, even by RPG standards, consisting of a green skin-tight hooded onesie with red underwear on top which unfortunately left very little to the imagination. I think he was the result of Nintendo's attempt to make a character even more annoying than Navi, a task which scientists had previously thought impossible."
"Did you ask him what drugs the character designer at Nintendo was on when he came up with that abomination so I can make sure to steer clear of them?" Zelda inquired earnestly.
"Yeah, totally, but he simply laughed me off. This guy had a fascination with all manner of magical things and, in addition, he seemed enamored with my manly physique so I really got worried that he was going to come onto me. He suddenly reached for my hands which I very nearly responded to by liberating him of said hands. But to my surprise, he started spinning around with me. At first, it wasn't a big deal and I thought I could humor the guy for a while and play along with this obviously mentally-handicapped chibi dude. 'Cuz that way, I felt like I could fulfill my charitable-work quota for the year. However, he kept going faster and faster and somehow I couldn't wrestle my hands out of that midget's death-grip. Eventually, I just passed out."
"Were you OK? Did he do anything...obscene to you?"
"Hell no! That would be absolutely disgusting! What kind of fanfic do you take this for?! Definitely not a Link x Tingle slash if that's what you're thinking! No, this actually turned out to be a clever plot device, because whaddya know, when I came to, I was smack dab in front of the forest temple. How convenient, eh?"
"But how the heck did you get ther...?"
"Doesn't matter!" Link quickly interrupted. "Geez, Zelda, you ask too many questions. Who cares as long as it advances the plot and avoids unnecessarily long, drawn-out monotony that ruins the pacing of my grand adventure! I mean, did you really want me to wander around a labyrinthine forest until I inevitably fell to the ground, dieing from dehydration and/or starvation and—wait, actually, don't answer that," he added swiftly, cutting Zelda off before she could chime in with a witty comeback. "You think I ever could've figured out the trick to get out of the Lost Woods on my own? I didn't have enough money to spring for the strategy guide so the answer to that is a decisive 'no.' You got all the brains, remember? I'm just the scrappy but lovable courageous one."
"You're being too hard on yourself," Zelda soothed. "You do pretty good at those Professor Layton games. Those give even me problems at times."
"Wow, thanks. Mighty nice of you to say that. Anyway, to get back on track, I ventured into the forest temple and immediately noticed some pretty cool BGM! I love that rattling sound and the chanting or whatever that weird sound effect before the music starts looping is supposed to be. Seriously, Zelda, have you heard it?"
"Yes, yes, I've heard it," Zelda said in exasperation, speaking as she would to a young child getting on her last nerve.
"Great! So not long after entering, I ran into this huge spider that took up the whole hallway. I was like, 'S'cuse me, dude, but I'm tryin' to get through here. I got a kingdom...I mean, a territory to save and all' but he wasn't having none of that! He spun around real fast and knocked me flat on my ass! I was really mad at that point but my attempts to retaliate at the little pest...or big pest, rather...were futile since his body was harder than the way mine gets when I think of my beautiful Zelda in her birthday suit."
"Link!" Zelda exclaimed, blushing up a storm.
"LOL, Zelda, you know I love you, girl!"
"Yeah, but...please, not in front of the readers," she whispered shyly.
"We've already done some preeeeetty kinky stuff in front of an audience of readers before in other fanfics. Kinda late to be getting shy about it now," he said suggestively, winking at her. "Awkward transition...aaaaaand now we're back to the story. So I tried squashing the spider with a rolled-up newspaper and a shoe but that didn't work. I also tried playing the Song of Storms but that didn't do anything."
"Why the heck did you do that?"
"Well, you know how the song goes. 'The itsy-bitsy spider went up the water spout, down came the rain and...'"
"But that wasn't exactly an 'itsy-bitsy' spider now was it?" she huffed.
"Yeah, yeah, you're right, but it didn't hurt to try, now did it? Anyway, just when I was at my wit's end, the stupid spider turned around, exposing it's most vulnerable spot! And would you believe that all the spiders in this temple did the same stupid thing? It's like, helloooo! You guys are completely invincible at any time that you're not turned around! I only wish I could have a fool-proof defense that consisted of doing nothing more than simply not moving. Geez, it's almost like these spiders were all programmed to idiotically reveal their weaknesses or something."
"Something tells me that if the only possible ending to the game was you getting stuck in a random hallway of the first dungeon because of a skulltula that didn't turn around to reveal his weakness, the game wouldn't have sold the millions of copies that it did."
"Whoa, seriously? My games are selling millions of copies? Where are my royalty checks, Nintendo?! My contract clearly states that I get 10% of the gross profits of all my games! Why, those cheap bastards! I at least deserve some hazard pay for all the danger I put myself through so they can rake in the dough!"
After taking a few moments to calm and compose himself, Link soldiered on. "So after doing some other random gamey stuff and going through some funky, twisty funhouse hallways, I came across these rooms where eerie shadows appeared underneath me accompanied by a creepy sound effect. So I thought I would just camp out in that spot for a few moments to see what would happen at the termination of this super-ominous sign."
"I don't think that was such a great idea..." Zelda commented.
"However, I happened to notice a pot in the corner of the room that I had not yet liberated of its contents, so I headed on over to it, but before I got there, a menacing hand plopped down behind me from the ceiling and started trying to cop a feel! I told the thingy that I wasn't the touchy-feely type, but the fact that it kept coming toward me seemed to indicate that it didn't care one iota about respecting my personal space, so I took that as invitation to open a fresh can of whoop-ass on him. But the damn thing kept pulling a Matryoshka doll and splitting into smaller and smaller hand-ettes, if you will."
"Disembodied hands...eww."
"Eww, indeed. After venturing away from that hellish area, I eventually found myself in a mini-art gallery with a bunch of lame paintings that all looked the same. I thought to myself, Man, I can't believe I came this far just to see a crappy art gallery when I could be browsing Deviantart instead from the comfort of my own treehouse. But as soon as I started to leave in a huff, I was met with a sinister-looking guy on a dark horse who the game referred to as 'Phantom Ganon' during the boss intro sequence. Thanks for the info, text overlay! I surmised that this guy must be a real art connoisseur since he was so into art that he literally went into the art. After I gave him a few warning shots with my trusty revolver, he started wanting to play tennis with me. But darn, I had forgotten to bring my tennis racket...so I just shot him dead instead."
Zelda chuckled. "Whatever gets the job done. Not every boss fight has to be epic, I guess."
"After that, I reached into the chest cavity of his carcass to retrieve a piece of heart which I...'used,' shall we say...to increase my health."
"Eww...uhm...do I even want to ask what you actually did with it?"
"No...you don't. Just...no."
.
Does Zelda write angsty teenage poetry in her diary? Would you read a Link x Tingle slash? Why does Tingle even exist, anyway?! Find out in the next...uh...kinda interesting episode of 2H2W...