Chapter 4 – Time to rock and roll
"Hey, Zelda! Have you heard the news?!" Link shouted excitedly, holding a rolled-up scroll in his hand.
"What news?" she asked, perplexed.
"The reviews are in! Can you believe this? People are wasting their precious free time reading and, yes, even reviewing this story we're in!"
"Wow, really? I thought everyone had already been driven off by those stupid Japanese jokes that made everyone realize what a huge nerd the author is."
"Yeah, but this is Fanfiction dot net. Everyone on it's a geek/otaku/horndog/whatever. If not, they would (conceivably) be doing constructive things IRL instead of reading about what their fave fictional characters are up to in their downtime. And thanks to the libido level of the average fanfic writer, that happens to include a whole lot of boning."
"I never would've guessed," Zelda commented sarcastically. Giving a wink at the fourth wall, she remarked, "Wow...fanfiction sure sounds like a huge waste of time."
"I'm sure comments like that will net you tons of friends around these parts, Zelda. So here's what people are saying about How Hyrule Was Won: 'Quite possibly the worst drivel I've ever read...utter garbage written by a talentless author...not good enough to even wipe my ass with...oh, wait, sorry, I was reading the reviews for Fifty Shades of Gray by mistake...BTW, thanks, E.L. James, for giving fanfic writers-turned-legit-authors a bad reputation. Really appreciate that."
"You mean those actually weren't the reviews for this fic? You could've fooled me."
"Yeah, I know what you mean." Opening the scroll vertically, Link pointed at it and said, "Yoru95 wrote that this fanfic is 'really neat' and one anonymous guy/gal (let's be honest, probably gal) named RandomReader called it 'intelligent' and 'so clever.'" [A/N: That's right, even your reviews aren't safe from my fourth wall breaking power! Cringe in fear, mortals! Mwahahahaha!]
"They did realize they had reviewed this fanfic, right? Is it possible they got this one confused with a story that's actually...y'know...good?"
"Who knows?" Link pondered. "I'm just as surprised as you, Zelda. I thought we were just talking to ourselves here. I didn't know someone was transcribing what we're saying and doing just to later post it to the Internet for everyone's amusement. I feel kinda...violated. Is there no where I can go where people can't see or hear me?!"
"Link, if it weren't for people's voyeuristic tendencies, we wouldn't even exist! They would stop making games about us and eventually we'd be nothing more than answers to obscure video game trivia questions. We'd be the new 'Who was Sega's mascot before Sonic?'" Except in our case, it would be "Who was that green-dress-wearing elf who used to make boat-loads of money for Nintendo?"
"For the last time, it's. a. tunic!"
"Whatever."
Sighing, Link said, "Anyway, let's finally get back to the story, shall we? The next item on the agenda was this so-called 'Death Mountain.' Somehow I doubt it's a big tourist destination with a name like that. I had to travel to Kakariko Village first, so I mounted Navi and away we went! Just in case you forgot, dear readers, Navi is the name of my horse in this fanfic, so don't try to imagine me 'mounting' a fairy, you sick pervs. Anyway, when I got there, I thought I'd do that sidequest to get an extra bottle by helping that incapable red-headed lady who asked me to go look for her missing cuccos. I couldn't help but think of how typical this was of an NPC—person X loses possession/person Y and asks unbelievably good-looking, debonair hero Z to find it because said NPC is completely incapable of moving more than two steps from her predetermined position/walking route."
Zelda looked around nervously, hoping he wouldn't remember the earrings she asked him to find for her last week because she was too comfy in her chair to do it herself.
"Hey, wasn't Kakariko the place I saw you—I mean Sheik, the guy who totally isn't you?" Link asked.
"Yeah, I think so. I had...I mean Sheik, the guy who totally isn't me, had a long scarf which covered most of his face and blew around in the wind, making him look all badass. He taught you a few songs if I recall."
"But how could you know that if you weren't there, Zelda?" He looked at her accusingly in the most detective-like way he could manage, one eyebrow raised in curiosity.
Zelda scratched the back of her neck anxiously and sweatdropped. "Oh, uh...yeah, I guess you, um, must have...told me...at some point?"
"Ah, let's quit playin', Zelda. Everyone and their dog must know you're Sheik by now...it's not exactly a spoiler anymore. The game's already like two decades old for the love of the goddesses. By the way, that name—seriously? You're a Sheikah and the name you settled on was...Sheik. If that's any indication of your creativity level, I don't even wanna know what uninspired name you gave your childhood pets. Kitty McCat, perhaps? Squeak Squeakerson?"
"Ah, quiet, you! The name was good enough! At least it was easy to remember!"
"You liked to say really poetic and vague things when you were disguised as Sheik, didn't you?"
Zelda crossed her arms and raised her chin arrogantly. "It took me a long time to think of all the cool stuff I said."
"What was it you said to me in Kakariko again?" Link asked pensively.
"'Roses are red, violets are blue, Death Mountain is hot and might kill you.'"
Link sweatdropped. "That...that was really disappointing."
"Deal with it," Zelda muttered. "I wasn't in the poetic mood that day. Anyway, after that I decided to teach you some songs that would let you teleport around and make you wonder why you even had a horse in the first place other than for that kickass feeling you get when you ride one...but that's when I remembered that I had left my harp at home. So I had to improvise."
Link started laughing his ass off, even having to grab his side because of the pain to his ribs. "Oh yeah, I remember now! You tried to whistle but you were so terrible at it that a carpenter came over to see if you were OK!"
Zelda puffed her cheeks in anger. "I most certainly wasn't that bad! I did at least manage to teach you the songs."
"Yeah, but only after you gave up trying to whistle and hummed them instead."
"...It worked," she mumbled.
"I don't see why you find it so hard to do anyway. All ya gotta do is put your lips together and blow. Which is also exactly what I'd like you to do when we're in the be—"
"Ooooookay! Enough of that!" Zelda shouted, swiftly covering Link's dirty mouth with her hand while turning a lovely shade of pink in the process.
When Link finally managed to contain his laughter, he asked, "So, uh...why did you suddenly decide to start cosplaying, anyway? Was there an anime/gaming convention happening in Hyrule that weekend?"
"No, you doofus! Ganondorf and his minions took over The Castle by force soon after you left and I had to make myself scarce ASAP."
"Oh yeah, bummer. Meanwhile, I was busy ransacking houses for pots to break, valuables to steal, NPCs to demand conversation with, and just the overall opportunity to be a total creep."
"You do realize that invading people's privacy and destroying their property is quite illegal here in Hyrule as I'm sure it is in most nations, yes?"
"But...but I thought this was a Western parody! There shouldn't be any laws here because this is the frontier which exists at the very fringe of civilized society and of law and order!"
"Ugh, I hate that show. Apparently you're ignorant of the fact that laws exist even in territories but the problem is that they're poorly enforced because of the lack of police...like you're supposed to be, O upholder of justice," she mocked.
"Well, excuuuuuse me, Princess."
"Don't even start with that, Link. You know that show was terrible."
"It wasn't all that bad. The animation was pretty good for it's day, I got to let loose some clever quips and you actually got to wear pants! That's important for you girls, right? Doesn't it represent women's lib or something?"
"It wasn't even our show. We had to piggy-back onto Mario's show, remember?"
"And wasn't that nice of him?" Link remarked. Zelda simply sighed and eye-rolled in response.
[INSERT COOL TRANSITION HERE] "So I made my way to the first base camp of Death Mountain," recounted Link, "to find a village of some kind of horribly mutated lepers who called themselves the 'Gore-on,' I believe. Personally, I turn gore off in my games since I think exposure to too much gore tends to desensitize people to violence, but to each his own. It weirds me out just a tad bit that their food source is rocks. Isn't that, like, cannibalism or something? And why are some rocks sentient and others aren't?"
"You're thinking about it too much," answered Zelda.
"Oh, yeah. I guess I am. Well, one of the Goron seemed to be having an identity crisis because he claimed to have the same name as me before I even told him my name. So, just for the fun of it, I told him my name was 'Harry Balsac' and he totally ran with it!"
"How mature."
"C'mon, you know you would've done it too! Anyway, I went to see the village elder and apparent leader of them all, Darunia, but just like an angsty teenager, he slammed the door to his room in my face and said he wasn't in the mood to talk with me. However, I warmed up to him by playing a groovy lick on the harmonica. To my amusement, he started dancing...terribly. It was quite a pathetic sight, to be honest. However, I politely waited until the guy had finished embarrassing himself before I decided it was time to...wait for it...rock and roll! Get it? Because the Goron are anthropomorphic rocks and they roll around...and...and...um..."
Link laughed weakly while Zelda gave him a blank stare, arms folded. "Ahem...anyway, I left the city and continued climbing the mountain only to be hailed on by rocks and molten lava. Geez, Zelda, you think you could've warned me to bring a helmet or something?!"
"You're right...I'm sorry," she apologized sincerely. "I wouldn't have wanted you to be...hot-headed with me!" she said, chuckling.
"Now it's my turn to be apathetic to your lame joke." He matched Zelda's earlier blank stare/folded arms combo for an inordinate amount of time.
"Um..." Zelda started.
Link immediately shushed her and yelled, "Not yet! I'm not done being apathetic yet." He continued to blaze a hole through her with his stare for far too long.
Just when the awkwardness between them was reaching critical levels, Link finally broke the silence. "So...the first thing I noticed when I reached the summit was that somebody seriously needed to adjust the thermostat and close the oven door. It was hotter there than the way my dear Zelda's face gets when I talk about her gorgeous figure."
"Link! C'mon, enough already! Are you gonna make a joke like that in every damn chapter?!"
"Of course! I wouldn't miss a single opportunity!"
"Ugh...I was afraid of that."
"Great, glad we're squared away on that now. Really, Zelda, the fire temple is one of those fairly forgettable dungeons so I don't remember much about it other than holy hell do I hate fire keese. Those a-holes are so hard to hit and they can just fly away to escape all my short-range weapons. And whenever I wait for them to come close enough to stab them with my Master-brand switchblade, they somehow manage to light me on fire first and then escape while I'm doing the whole 'stop, drop and roll' thing. Has anyone in the history of Hyrule ever liked bats showing up in their video games? Other than Batman, I mean, 'cuz he's pretty cool."
"Yeah, but I think he's a bit too busy being broody and sending the Joker to Arkham for the thousandth time to help you out in your games."
"Unfortunately, yes. Which is a shame, 'cuz I really could've used his help when facing off against a little fire-breathing dragon named Volvagia. It was pretty hard figuring out how to avoid having my chestnuts roasted on an open fire, so to speak. Not at all coincidentally, this is when I found out that if I'm doing really bad in my game and I'm really close to death, there's an annoying beeping noise. It almost made me say 'eff it' and just let Volvagia do me in so I wouldn't have to hear it anymore! Can you believe he kept popping out of holes in the ground, apparently wanting to play a game of whack-a-dragon with me? Luckily, I remembered just in the nick of time that I had brought my portable fire extinguisher and so I was able to make quick work of the guy. Afterward, I made some s'mores over his smoldering carcass."
"Hmph...another one bites the dust...rather lamely," Zelda muttered.
.
Is beeping the last sound a person really hears before death? Will anyone venture to leave me a review after seeing what I did with them in this chapter? [A/N: Any more reviews you guys leave might—just might—be used in a future chapter in some mysterious way...consider this a forewarning, y'all...or foreshadowing if you're reading this after the story's finished, whatever]. Is Sheik the most uncreative name ever for a Sheikah? Will Link and Zelda just make out already?! Find out in the next...uh...ah, hell with it, you know the drill.