Chapter 5 – Who lives in a temple under the lake?
"After a month-long hiatus in updates for this story which I seriously doubt anyone noticed...seriously, did anyone miss this story during the hiatus?" Link asked. Crickets start chirping. "Question answered. You know, we really should do something about those crickets in here. We only hear them after telling an especially lame joke...which means we hear them a lot. Anyway, after the hiatus I headed over to Zora's Domain where I couldn't help but gawk at all the fishy nudity I witnessed around me which is for some reason completely OK for them but would have me hauled off to a deep dungeon with the key thrown away if I did the same...Not like I've ever wanted to do that or anything, but still..."
"That's probably due to the fact that us Hylians actually have...y'know...genitals and whatnot," Zelda chimed in.
"Oh yeah, those things...they're fun to play with, aren't they?" Link asked earnestly. Zelda just directed an odd stare at him in response. "Oh, don't give me that look! Even high class gals like you must have spent at least some time figuring out how everything works down there. It's only natural to be curious. Still, I hate double standards in censorship," Link spat. "If I wanna go freeballin' in my game, I should damn well be able to without someone having to pixelate my junk first."
Zelda couldn't help but laugh at the thought of this. "Just get to the plot exposition already, Link."
"All right, all right. So I went to see the the head honcho of the Domain who I noticed was seriously overweight. The dude clearly needs to get off his fat ass every once in a while and lay off the honey buns. I was really ticked off that I had to waste about half my day waiting for him to scoot his lard ass to the side so I could go looking for this Ruto chick that everyone said was missing."
"Chick? I thought she was a fish?"
"You know what I mean!" Link replied, irritated. "To my surprise, there was a huge fish in a large pond behind the fatty's room. I heard girly cries for help coming from within his giant maw. If I recall correctly, this is what she yelled: 'Someone please help me, the Ruto chick, who is waiting patiently in here for a virile, studly, heroic young man (no older than 22) to come save me and then inadvertently get engaged to me after asking for an essential item he is required to collect before being able to proceed with the game!'"
"That...is a very oddly specific and quite wordy thing to be crying when in danger." Zelda pondered aloud.
"Yeah, but c'mon, I knew there was no way I was gonna be able to get her out of there unless I could find some of that stuff that forces people to vomit so I could make the fish expel Ruto in a putrid puddle of steaming stomach contents."
"You couldn't just show it the cutscenes from those Zelda CD-i games to get the same result?"
"Nope, unfortunately that wasn't an option to me at the time. But there was a certain person that totally did help me out by using her magical ability of screwing with the story to allow the plot to continue advancing even if it creates plot holes the size of Nintendo's bank account after releasing a new Mario game...Come on, author lady, I know you're there! Do something cool right now to show everyone the awesome power you have!" Link pleaded.
"No, I'm not gonna be a character in this story. Nobody likes a self-insert fanfic," said the unbelievably beautiful and intelligent author who was perfect in every conceivable way. Just call her Sue...Mary Sue.
"May I point out that you just inserted yourself in the story when you answered him?" Zelda asked.
"Yeah, but just to tell you that I'm not gonna reply to you guys," Mary Sue said.
"You just did it again."
"Trust me, Zelda, you don't want me inserting myself in this fic. You might suddenly find yourself on the losing side of a love 'triforce-angle', so to speak," said Mary Sue smugly. "However, I'll humor you for a while for the sake of some comedic hijinks."
Suddenly, red rupees began raining from the sky. Link ran around like an idiot trying to catch 'em all...even though his wallet was already completely full.
"Do another! Another trick!" Link shouted excitedly. So the author made a pair of rainbows appear. "Woah, a double rainbow! It's so bright and vivid! What does this mean?!" yelled Link emphatically with a derp face. He was so overwhelmed with emotion that he fell to his knees as he wept manly tears. "More, more!" he implored giddily while wiping his eyes.
"You're really wearing on my patience for this, you know," said Mary Sue.
"But it's so much fuuuuun!" Link protested.
"You asked for it!" the author begrudged. All of a sudden, Link felt a lot chillier than he had the moment before. He looked down and saw that he was wearing a very skimpy swimsuit...and nothing else.
"Holy mother of fanservice, Batman! Abort, abort! Change me back!" Link demanded, crossing his arms over his chest protectively as he shrank in on himself like an abused shelter dog about to be backhanded again.
"Any more requests?" Mary Sue asked smugly.
"Um, no, that'll do, Sue. That'll do."
"I think I kinda like this author," Zelda giggled, smirking.
"I bet you do..." Link muttered. "Anyway, time to get back on topic. The fish eventually just coughed Ruto out like a cat does to a hairball. Although I'm sure that would put anyone in an instant bad mood, she was unbelievably peckish and angry right from the moment we met. She nagged me until my pointy ears were about to fall off, telling me that I needed to 'man up', 'fess up', and 'clean up', because she couldn't bear to even get within earshot of me without gagging from my horrible B.O. C'mon, what did she expect? Us heroes don't have time to worry about personal hygiene when the fate of an entire territory is at stake! You know, I have the strong suspicion that Ruto's one of those tsundere-types who picks on me publicly to save face but who actually worships me in private. Kinda like someone else I know..." He peeked from the corner of his eye in Zelda's direction. "She even thinks I'm engaged to her because I asked her for a piece of her jewelry."
"Oh no! She gave you the Zora's Sapphire?!" Zelda asked in horror.
"Yeah. It was pretty and I wanted it. So what?"
"You didn't make it...official...did you?"
"What do you mean by that? We never did..." But then the realization hit him like a ton of bricks. "Oh crap! It's just like Katy Perry warned us! I remember waking up in Vegas with one hell of a hangover and the Zora's Sapphire in a ring on my hand...but no...it couldn't be..." Link's face curdled with the sudden knowledge that, oh goddesses, he was probably married to a fish-girl right now.
Zelda couldn't avoid letting loose a few giggles upon seeing his look of shock and horror. "Now, now, it's not so bad," she said soothingly.
"'Not so bad'! Easy for you to say! I'm the one who's married to the same thing I normally eat for lunch with a side of chips!"
"Relax, Link! You'll be happy to know that an interspecies marriage with a Zora, especially one that was only consented to during a period of inebriation, is only valid in Zora's Domain. Therefore, you're only technically married to her when you're physically in Zora's Domain."
"Oh, thank the goddesses. I'll just make sure to never step foot around there again and I'll be fine...right?"
"Yes...exceeeept...Ruto will likely do everything she can to...coerce you into returning there."
"What...what do you mean by that?" he asked tentatively.
"By that I mean you better keep one eye constantly looking over your shoulder...someone like Ruto may very well be willing to go as far as to kidnap a man in order to get him to fulfill his husbandly duties," she answered with no shortage of glee in her tone.
"Great. Is there anyone out there who doesn't want a piece of me?" Looking to the sky while shaking a fist angrily, he yelled, "Damn you, goddesses! Why did you have to make me so freakin' attractive and irresistible to women?!" Zelda simply rolled her eyes.
.
"The Water Temple is so wrong on so many levels," Link deadpanned. "First off, moving underwater with iron boots equals super boring, like being caught in some tedious slow-mo instant replay. I guess I should thank the game for allowing me to grow gills and breathe underwater simply by wearing blue fabric? ...Even though it makes no. damn. sense. Oh, and the miniboss of this dungeon, really? Why is a dark doppelganger of myself here of all places with no explanation of why I even have a dark clone?! C'mon game, throw me a bone here! Is there a hidden lair full of dark Links somewhere waiting to have an orgy with me or what?"
"I'm sure a lot of fangirls out there wouldn't mind that at all," Zelda giggled.
"Hmph. People are weird," he remarked sardonically.
"I got a question for you," she said. "You have to wear iron boots in order to walk in the water, correct?"
"Yeppers."
"And I assume you have them somewhere on your person when you're not wearing them, correct?"
"Right-a-rooni."
"Then why the hell don't they weigh you down all the time?!" she yelled in confusion.
"Because game logic, that's why. Don't bother asking questions, Zelda, it'll just hurt your head. It's the same reason why Cloud and the gang couldn't just bring back Aerith with a freakin' Phoenix Down. Impaled in a battle? A-OK after imbibing a potion. Impaled outside of battle? Shit just got real, son! And don't bother resetting your Playstation and reloading your save file to prevent her death with your new knowledge because there's no possible way to save her outside of a cheating device! I hadn't even given Aerith her final limit break before she died, dammit! That stupid Great Gospel item just sat in my inventory for the rest of the game as a constant reminder of my fallen comrade-in-arms. Why did you have to toy with our emotions so, Square?! Why?! Whyyyyyyy?!"
Link wept manly tears on Zelda's shoulder for a few solid minutes before it sounded like he was just faking it. "I'm only still crying because I really can't think of a good transition from this point," he explained. Zelda rolled her eyes once again. "We really need to talk about this Morpha thing, by the way," he continued. "Were they just trying to make the most hentai-like tentacle monster thing they could? Because I did not consent to having my bodily orifices filled with watery tendrils and I will press charges if I'm ever violated like that again."
Zelda worked hard to hold back a look of total revulsion as the image of that niggled it's way into her subconscious. "So, um...how'd you beat this one?"
"I left my freezer door open for a while, came back, and then shattered Morpha's icy, frozen carcass and had me some morph-sicles!"
"I expected nothing less."
.
"After finishing up at the water temple, I went to the fishing mini-game place at Lake Hylia to try my luck at catching the famed Hylian loach. The counter guy was...interesting, to say the least. As he explained the fishing rules to me, he was scratching his head from which a literal blizzard's worth of dandruff fell, much to my disgust. Then as he was getting me a fishing hook from underneath the counter, he mooned me with a plumber's crack that would put Mario to shame. When he leaned over to get me to sign a release of liability form in case I hooked my eye or drowned or something, I couldn't avoid getting a whiff of his intense B.O. which overpowered even that of my own. I remember thinking, damn dude, you have some major hygeine issues! Oh, did I say 'think?' Because I actually meant that I said it out loud by accident, which caused the prices to suddenly triple because of 'supply and demand' or some such, as he explained."
"Wow. That's rough," Zelda commented.
"You're telling me. On the bright side though, at least spending all that money lightened my load significantly. Rupees are frickin' heavy. You'd think Hyrule would hurry up and adopt paper currency by now."
"How many fish did you catch?" she asked. Link suddenly tensed, remaining quiet. "C'mon now...I'm sure you managed to at least rustle up a turtle or an old shoe or something...right?"
After a long moment of silence, Link muttered, "Oh, who even likes the stupid fishing mini-games anyway?! What a stupid way to end this chapter too," he pouted, crossing his arms in anger.
.
Will we ever see the amazing, incomparable Mary Sue again? [Totally blunt answer—yes, obviously, although maybe not in this fic]. Did you really care about Aerith's death or was it just 'meh' to you? Be honest—you're not reading this anymore, are you? Find out in the next...oh, you already know these are all rhetorical questions anyway.