Chapter 6 – Shadows and Spirits and Sheikah, oh my!
A/N: There wasn't hardly anything funny I could think of about the Shadow or Spirit Temples, so this chapter covers both of them (and rapidly at that). I mean, seriously—can you think of a single thing funny about them? Yeah, that's what I thought.
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"Guess what, Zelda?" inquired Link. "Those Goron were really on to something—it's faster to get around by rolling!"
"But you have a horse...so why exactly would you need to do that?" Zelda asked, puzzled.
"Because it's so much more fuuuuun!"
"Well, that explains why you always smell like dirt and have grass in your hair."
"That's a small price to pay for all the time I save by rolling!"
"So you'd rather stink to high heaven and look absolutely ridiculous than just, I dunno, walk on your two feet like the goddesses intended?!"
"If the goddesses really intended for us to walk everywhere, they wouldn't have given us the far superior ability to roll! It's so fun, Zelda. Look at me—whee!"
"Please don't tell me you're..." She trailed off, having placed a hand over her eyes out of fear of the stupidity she would see if she dared to look in his direction. After uncovering her eyes, she groaned. "Oh goddesses, you are..."
"That's just how I roll!" he bragged, stopping his antics long enough to push some heavily tinted sunglasses against his eyes and make a seductive cat noise at Zelda in a feeble attempt to be smooth.
"Where the heck did you get those thi—...oh, why do I even bother asking?"
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"The Shadow Temple is where I found out that it is literally impossible for me to lose this game," mentioned Link. "You know what happened to me after I accidentally auto-jumped into a bottomless pit? I just respawned at the beginning of the temple! Seriously, I am literally as immortal as a god in my games."
"Knowing that kinda takes away some of the tension of playing these games, doesn't it?" Zelda bantered.
"No kidding! Not to mention I never show any physical signs of injury such as bruises, cuts and the like which would totally be expected on even the best of fighters, especially considering how ridiculously little armor I wear. I'm a true-to-life Adonis!" With one hand next to his mouth in order to channel his voice, he whispered to the fourth wall, "That's a really hot Greek god, in case you didn't know."
"If you're a god than I must be the goddess Hylia," Zelda quipped sarcastically.
"Haha, don't be silly, Zelda! You, a goddess? It's already hard enough to picture a butch gal like you as a princess in past lives!" He got a hearty laugh out of that seemingly hilarious thought.
As usual, Zelda shrugged off his inane comment. "What did you think of Bongo-bongo?" she asked.
"Oh yeah, you mean that giant eye-monkey creature who plays, of all things, a bongo? Heck, with a name that original, I wouldn't be surprised if you told me you had named him."
"At least the boss' design was unique!" Zelda defended. "Did you want every enemy in this game to be a dragon or goblin or another generic fantasy creature?"
"No, but I did at least expect something less...ridiculous. Was I really supposed to be scared of it or something?"
"Dare I ask how you defeated it?" Zelda ventured.
"Oh, this one was real easy. I brought in the Indigo-gos, hooked their instruments up to some huge amps and had them jam some death metal until he died due to intolerable amounts of sound vibrations in his body," Link explained proudly.
"That...actually seems quite logical," she marveled incredulously. "Wow...kudos to you for thinking of that one."
"Thanks! Oh, and I also met your babysitter," he said mockingly, starting to cackle like an idiot. "She told me to make sure you were eating your fruits and vegetables and changing your underwear every day! Hey, it's good to know you've been potty trained, Zelda, but do you still need her to cut your meat and wipe your runny noses?"
"Yeah, yeah, laugh it up," she muttered.
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"After that, I went to Lon-Lon Ranch for the annual Hyrule Derby!" Link proclaimed. "I don't know if you're aware of this, Zelda, but I'm a very accomplished jockey and I always participate in the local derby every year. I met a girl named Saria who said she was from Kokiri Forest." He scratched his head pensively. "Huh...I guess I must've missed seeing her my first time through there. She informed me that she was a 'sprightly' 179 years young. I remember saying to her, 'Wow...you really don't look a day over...160...' as I sweatdropped nervously and slowly side-stepped out of frame.'"
"So how did the race go? You won, right?" Zelda asked.
"Heck no. Being a Kokiri, she made an excellent jockey since she's smaller than my ego is after I get swallowed by a like-like. I hardly even had a chance. Although I had no problem securing second place after using all the skills I learned playing hundreds of hours of Mario Kart, no amount of banana peels or red shells could get me near Saria, that little bolt of greased lightning!" There was more than just a tinge of jealousy apparent in his voice.
"What a shame."
"Ah, it wasn't so bad. My consolation prize was a year's supply of Kakariko Fried Cucco! And I made sure to play your lullaby to the cows on the ranch on my way out so they would fill my bottle with some of their sweet, sweet nectar at the awesome cost of nothing."
"Oh, you put some Lon-Lon milk in a spare bottle?"
"No, I still only had that one bottle I got from the red-headed cucco lady so I had to constantly reuse it. I had to empty out the dead bugs and decaying fish first. At least, I think I got most of the guts out..."
Zelda struggled quite hard not to throw up.
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"I wanted to buy a better shield before going to the next dungeon, but wouldn't you know it, almost every useful thing in this game costs at least one rupee above what my current wallet will hold," recalled Link. "No one would budge an inch on their price even though I'm sure they mark up the prices at least 20% on all their merchandise! Tightwads..."
"What was the next dungeon again?" Zelda pondered.
"The Spirit Temple, which was my favorite by far."
"Why's that?"
"Isn't it obvious, Zel?"
"Don't call me that," she muttered, ticked off at being called a silly nickname.
"Why not, Zelly?"
"Don't call me that either."
"OK, Zelda-hime!" said the genki bishounen while patting her on the back, receiving annoyed glances from her all the while [A/N: You got your geek cred for the day if you understood all the words in that sentence]. "I'll tell ya why! It's because it's chock. fulla. lay-days! Ladies, ladies, everywhere! Sure, none of them are particularly attractive and they look a lot like palette-swapped Jasmine-from-Aladdin wannabes, but you gotta admit, a whole area of Hyrule inhabited solely by the fairer sex is a bachelor's dream come true! I am so jealous of Ganondorf for getting to be the leader of such a place. I bet he gets so much—"
"Pussy! Oh, what's this pussycat doing here?" Zelda asked, leaning over to pet the new arrival to the room.
"Impeccable timing there, kitty," Link chuckled. "So I met a vixen named Nabooru in the Spirit Temple. I noticed she had the most beautiful boo...I mean, eyes," he corrected quickly. To his relief, Zelda didn't notice his snafu, being too preoccupied petting her pussy (not that pussy, you pervs!).
Link continued. "I used the silver gauntlets I got in the temple to lift a huge boulder blocking my path...unfortunately, the game neglected to tell me that I still need back support before lifting objects one thousand times my own weight, leading me to have to warp to a chiropractor, stat. Also, block-moving puzzles—Nintendo, haven't you put those in enough of my games by this point? Why can't you add more puzzles that don't require so much physical labor from now on? Maybe a pleasant game of solitaire? And how about a pillow fight against the mini-boss of the dungeon for once? Give my poor body a rest, please! Even at my physical peak and forgetting the recently established fact that I'm immortal and impervious to injury, there's only so much punishment one guy can take."
"A pillow fight?!" Zelda scoffed. "Oh, please! The history books would never have bothered to record the adventures of past heroes if they had only won Hyrule by engaging in pillow fights! And one thing I've always wondered—why is it that whenever you open a door with a key, you lose the key? Any key works on any lock, so if you'd just keep that first key, you'd save yourself a lot of trouble, you know?!"
"What can I say? I'd lose my own head if it weren't attached to my body," Link said sheepishly.
Zelda sighed and shook her head. "I'm almost afraid to ask this, but...how'd you beat the boss of the Spirit Temple?"
"Oh, you mean Twinrova, those two old hags combined? How strange is it that they turn into a hot lady when they combine themselves, anyway? Shouldn't it be the opposite and they become two times as ugly and old?"
"Game logic, Link...game logic."
"Oh yeah, I forgot. Another thing I can't believe is that they were Ganondorf's surrogate mothers. Awww, makes me wonder what it was like changing little Ganny's diapers. I bet he was a cute little future usurper, yes he was!" he said in a babyish voice. "It was super-easy defeating them/it, as usual. I just distracted them with some Bingo cards and started calling out numbers and letters randomly. While they were frantically looking for a bingo, I stabbed them with my trusty switchblade." He twirled the aforementioned blade in one hand with a cocky grin.
"Where does he think up these lame strategies?" Zelda wondered.
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"At the exit of the temple, I was surprised to see you there in your Sheik getup, so I called out to you, 'Hey, Zelda! Yoo-hoo, Zelda! The one in the Sheik costume!'"
"And I promptly told you to STFU since you were totally compromising my cover," Zelda said with clenched teeth. "Remember, Link—I wore the disguise since, if Ganondorf found me, he would've kidnapped me like he does in practically every freakin' game I'm in! Did you really want to have to rescue me again? What, are you going for the 'Most Damsel in Distress Rescues Over Multiple Lifetimes' world record or something?"
"My bad!" he responded succinctly. "So tell me, what was the reason behind vanquishing all the trials and tribulations of those temples? What was my way fantastic and totally worth it prize?!" he asked eagerly, wagging his tail like an excited puppy.
"You know this already. The reward was the satisfaction of a job well done and the opportunity to get in my pants at the end of this story."
Link stood there, mouth agape. "Woah! Really?! That sounds awesome! But...wait a minute...How could I get in your pants? We're not even the same size!" Zelda rolled her eyes, but despite her best efforts to hide it, a smirk crept onto her face.
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Would you still play the LoZ games if Link new main weapon was a pillow? Do you have any idea just how incredibly crappy my first draft of this chapter was (more than usual, I mean)? Can you hold on for just two more chapters which is when this torture will finally come to an end?! Find out next time...same fanfic place, same fanfic channel.
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A/N: I will probably respond to you if you ask me a question in a review, but if you are reviewing anonymously, you're gonna have to leave your email in the message. I can't respond to you telepathically, capiche?