Idk how the logic adds up, but you guys get a chapter not only on time, but a smidge early, all because I wound up in the hospital with massive complications from getting my wisdom teeth out. (I'd say I'd do it like this more often, but ouch, no, not happening.)
Update next weekend!
On the ninth of January, Rose Hathaway woke up alone and hungover. She knew she didn't have to look behind her to see how the sheets had gone unrumpled in the wake of the previous night's conversation. It took Karolina knocking on her door a half hour later for her to move; she stayed in sweatpants and a turtleneck all day, only surfacing from the room to eat.
On the tenth, the sheets were slept in but cold, and her hand curled in the fabric where he'd laid next to her all night. Within minutes she was asleep again, and for the most part, she was generally left alone.
On the eleventh, she woke up at four in the morning, sweat pouring down her face as she tried to calm her shuddering breaths. Lissa didn't often dream anymore of the crash that had killed her parents at the beginning of high school, but when she did, it would hit Rose with the force of a body check from a Strigoi. She didn't glance down at the sleeping figure next to her when she slipped out of bed to roam aimlessly down the streets of Baia. When she returned, eventually too cold to stay outside, Dimitri was up and awake, packing his things to go back to work at the academy. He didn't look at her.
On the twelfth, she gave long goodbye hugs to Paul and Viktoria before they climbed in Dimitri's car. When he got to her in the sendoff line, she met his eyes for a moment, and he gave a single, sharp nod before sliding behind the wheel and driving away with her heart.
CODE OF ETHICS AND STANDARD GUARDIAN FIELD PRACTICES, VERSION FOUR
ADOPTED 31 JANUARY 1925
LAST REVISED 13 JANUARY 2015
[ . . . ]
SECTION III — Personal Conduct
[ . . . ]
K. Sexual Relationships — Consensual (rev. 2015)
i. In the interest of the Moroi in which they are protecting, guardians are to refrain from entering sexual relationships with other guardians or their Moroi charge. In the event that a complaint is lodged regarding this kind of behavior, suitable and appropriate disciplinary action will be taken after a thorough investigation. Sexual relationships have been found to significantly draw from a guardian's attention in the course of their duty.
ii. Relationships of a romantic nature are classified here for the same reason. Romantic relationships between two guardians or a guardian and their Moroi charge are expressly forbidden without prior approval from the Guardian Council. Approval will be given if the guardian(s) can prove that the relationship will not in any way hinder the guardian from devoting their whole self and attention to their duty of protecting their Moroi charge(s).
iii. Romantic relationships during non-specific guarding assignments are prohibited. Any sworn, active guardian(s) found to be in violation of this will be reassigned immediately, will testify at a joint Council disciplinary hearing, and will carry out the punishments agreed upon in a subsequent joint Council meeting. Please refer to Addendum A for reasoning.
[ . . . ]
SECTION XIV — Addendums
A. They Come First (rev. 1947)
i. Guardians are to be reminded of the oath to which they swore loyalty upon receiving their promise mark. It is by this governing principle that all guardians should conduct their personal and professional lives. Without full compliance by guardians, Moroi safety is compromised. Any lapse in judgment that compromises Moroi safety will be dealt with by the harshest appropriate measures as determined by an internal investigation.
[ . . . ]
NEXT ANTICIPATED REVISION, JANUARY 2017
She moved in a fog as time and winter dragged on, the weather matching the cold, grayscale view of the world she now held.
Life calmed down after the trio of Belikovs went back to St. Basil's; Rose fell into a lackluster routine of dragging herself out of bed to eat and socialize — obligations more than anything else — anything that was just enough to keep her reports back to Court as detailed as previous batches. They didn't have to know she was barely doing anything. They weren't privy to that part of her life, she decided early on. The Royal Council wouldn't get all of her.
But for the most part, she was in bed, and it was silently accepted as the new norm even if none of the adults attempted to hide their constant worried glances in her direction. She had a hard time letting go of the one place she'd been able to have Dimitri without worrying about the real world. In her despair over and self-directed anger at being so duty-focused, she didn't want to forfeit the only tiny paradise she'd ever been blessed with.
And when she was curled around his pillow, hugging it until her scent permeated his and unable to get her thoughts off him, she would write in the journal Sonya gave her for Epiphany, dozens of letters to a man who'd never read them.
Jan 15
I don't know what this feeling is. Do I miss you? I think I do. This is what it feels like when I think about my friends back home . . . but it's a thousand times stronger. I hurt everywhere. Why did you do this to me?
Jan 19
Alex convinced me to go lunch with him to surprise Karolina at work. It worked — she was so shocked to see me out of the house that she called me 'Roza' and I ended up outside crying for ten minutes. I had no idea tears could freeze against your face. (Did you call me Roza when you talked about me? Do you even talk about me anymore?)
Jan 21
I hate you. You make me weak when I'm usually so strong. I killed my first Strigoi when I was 17. That should count for something. I guess it doesn't since I don't know what to do with myself.
Jan 22
The feedback on my last report came in. "Much improved" is what I was told. I didn't include you in it. Maybe Marie fucking Conta was right.
Jan 27
Adrian read my aura one last time when he visited me the other night. Lots of darkness, both spirit and my own. He said it's what depression looks like but didn't offer me much more. His new meds are working, so I don't have that connection with him anymore. I don't know what to do.
Jan 30
I want to get past you. I've never needed someone the way I need you. I'm scared of losing my independence. You've shown me that you'd never hold me back from what I want, so I shouldn't have reason to fear and yet . . . I do.
On the first day of February, Rose finally relented to Olena's concern and accompanied the older woman into town for basic grocery runs.
On the second, around mid-afternoon, Marina and Polina dropped by, completely unannounced, and pulled Rose out of bed and onto the back step of the house, passing a bottle of vodka around to keep warm. It took about two rounds for Rose to give in and join them, despite the sickly memories of the last time she'd drank straight from the source.
"What are you and Mitya fighting about?" Polina asked after a few minutes of silence.
"We're not fighting," Rose said quietly as she took another sip, fire etching down her throat as she stared out across the Belikovs' backyard.
"Liar," Marina muttered, affection in her tone as she took the bottle from Rose. "We saw you with Mamochka Belikova at the magazeen and the myasneek yesterday."
"It's . . . guardian stuff," Rose said. She left it at that; explaining the rules to non-guardians would take too much mental effort.
"Like Alex and Karolina."
"Polya!"
Rose looked up, minor confusion on her face at the silent conversation happening between the two friends. Polina snatched the vodka away from Marina with an unhappy grunt.
"So why not be with him while you're out here?" Marina asked.
"Pravda," Polina agreed, handing the bottle off to Rose. "You're very far from the Royal Court. No one would ever know."
Rose shook her head, took a long enough sip that she came up coughing. "I'm too close to the Councils. I just have to chalk this up to bad timing or whatever and get over it. I had something great but my life just . . . isn't accommodating for that kind of thing right now."
"Liar," Marina repeated, this time a lot more bitter and her trademark eye roll.
Feb 3
I feel so lost without your touch, your warmth, your patience. Something's missing in my world. I think it's you.
Feb 5
I started English lessons with Zoya and Masha today. I'm grateful for it. Kids don't look at you like you'll break if you're a little sad.
Feb 7
Lissa's meds got adjusted and we're starting to see a difference. I was averaging three episodes a week and it takes a while to recover from them when they build up like that. It's working great — we're down to one a week now. I've spent a lot of time down at the lake because of them and because the weather is getting warmer. The kids come with me sometimes, if it's in the afternoon. Their innocence grounds me.
Feb 9
My reports have seen "major improvement" lately. I feel like I'm in school again, getting graded on a end-of-term project.
Feb 10
Had a major dip into homesickness today. I don't know what sparked it. I was standing in the kitchen, helping with dinner, when it hit me. I still can't decide if it's a blessing or a curse to have the bond with Lissa. On one hand, I get to see what everyone back home is up to. On the other, I get to see what everyone back home is up to, if that makes sense.
Feb 12
Lissa's planning her wedding and I'm missing out on it. She's including me in some details, but it's not the same. I'm her maid of honor. I should be there.
Feb 14
I miss you.
Feb 17
Jill and Eddie are having a baby. The person I was before I met you and your family would've looked down on them — I would've said they're too young, that it's a mistake or will end terribly because she's still in college and she's got so much ahead of her. The person I am now, though, is happy for them. I think they'll be alright. They love each other so much. They'll get through whatever problems they face. I want to need to have to believe in that.
Feb 19
Alex proposed to Karolina tonight at dinner. Their happiness is infectious. I certainly didn't think about what you would look like on one knee with a ring in your hand. That would be ridiculous. I don't even believe in marriage anyway.
Feb 22
Lissa fucking FINALLY settled on a black and champagne color scheme for her wedding. I was expecting something like ivory and purple, but the more I look at the palette, the more it makes sense. Marrying Christian Ozera is a bold decision. The wedding needs to match that.
Feb 23
My only lifeboat these days is reading your mother's adventure books, the ones she keeps downstairs with the gilded covers. I've been getting better at reading Russian, so I generally understand what's going on. I can feel you when I read them. I imagine you as a little kid when I read them. Even at Zoya's age, you would've been so careful with the pages, I just know it.
Feb 24
When I was in high school, they made me go to therapy after Mason died. Once a week from March to graduation, I had to sit on a lumpy couch and share my feelings with a counselor whom I didn't like very much. Early on, she asked me if I resented Lissa because she had opportunities and freedoms I didn't. I was adamant that I didn't. It's been five years, but I'm starting to think I did and probably still do.
Mar 1
My birthday's in three weeks. That's how long we got to share together. I try to picture meeting someone and falling for them so quickly. I can't do it. You're my exception.
Mar 2
I haven't taken the necklace off, in case you were wondering.
Mar 4
It was warm today. I should clarify, though: when I say "warm" I mean above freezing. Still, it was enough to get me outside without a thousand layers.
Mar 5
I lied. It's cold again.
Mar 7
I started running again. I realized this morning that I haven't run in a long time. Alberta made me run a lot during my senior year and I stuck with it when Lissa went to Lehigh. I felt stupid for not remembering how good I feel after I exercise, but I reminded myself that I've had a lot to deal with the past few months. Plus, it's been fucking cold. I don't know how you live here year after year, comrade.
Mar 12
Zoya held a two minute conversation with me in English today. Karolina got most of it recorded. I'll have her send it to you. Zoya was so proud of herself. I'm kind of amazed at how fast she's picked up the language. Masha's not as quick, but she's just as dedicated to learning as I imagine you were in school.
Mar 18
I think if we met at a different time in a different place, it would've worked out. You taking that job at St. Vladimir's would probably have worked out better than this. I think about that a lot, how you almost ended up as one of my teachers. Would we still feel the same? Would things have worked out differently? I never saw myself as the kind of girl who would've fallen in love with her instructor, but if it was you . . . I think I would have. You're my exception, remember?
Early in the morning of March twentieth, Rose Hathaway was shaken awake by an extremely stressed out pair she knew well — Sydney Sage and Eddie Castile.