Elrohir
Legolas will be leaving in the morning. I have tried not to think on it but it is inevitable. Tonight we have a farewell dinner, my brothers, Legolas and Gimli...and Glorfindel. The last few days it has been impossible to separate Glorfindel from Elladan. He is always there, watching him. I will not think on Elladan I tell myself, not tonight, for I cannot think about him without it causing me pain.
The mood is jovial and the wine flows, Estel and Gimli especially, are overflowing with good humour. It is clear they look forward to their journey and I do not blame them. It will do them good, the three of them, to travel together without the rest of us. It was an inspired idea of Legolas'. As hard as it will be to let him go, I do it willingly.
Legolas himself has been transformed these last few days. Slowly he has uncurled from the ball of misery he was until I hardly recognise him and I realise just how long it has been since I have seen him as he should be. It has been a slow, insidious decline for him dating back far before the attack I initially thought was the cause. How could I not have seen it before now? Why was I so blind?
Tonight, however, he is not quite right, not quite the creature of light he should be. A bit too quiet, a bit too introverted and thoughtful for me to be completely happy. I wonder if our impending separation bothers him, or perhaps it is worry about travelling with Aragorn that accosts him at the last minute? That would not surprise me and I determine to speak with him about it when we are alone. He keeps too many secrets and I will let him do that no longer. For now I watch carefully, he will not fool me into thinking he is well when he is not, again.
"Will you just leave it Glorfindel!"
At the other end of the table my brother erupts, slamming his plate down with a crash, causing us all to turn to him in surprise.
"Elladan, if you would just see sense-"
Glorfindel is pleading with him and I know what it will be about. He wishes him to allow Legolas to reclaim his sealonging. I must admit I am relieved to see Elladan refuse so adamantly for I could not bear to see Legolas burdened again, so soon after I nearly lost him. But I am torn, I do not want my brother to suffer either, as much as he has hurt me. He is still my brother. Why can the Valar not leave us alone?
Whatever it is Glorfindel has been saying to him Elladan has obviously had enough.
"Let it go Glorfindel, you know nothing about this!" he pushes back his chair angrily, "I do not answer to you."
"Elladan, if you would just-" Legolas reaches across the table towards him, his face anguished and my heart breaks for them both, for Elladan will not listen.
Instead he hits Legolas' hands away from him.
"I have told you, no!" and he pushes past me to leave the room.
As he goes I reach out, I don't know why. Since we have returned I have kept my distance, I have shut him out, and this is the first time we have touched in days, our bond has lain neglected due to the walls I have erected around me. But something about his desperation to keep Legolas from him, and the look of fear on Legolas' face as he does so makes me want to hold him. My fingers brush against his as he leaves and we connect. I take him unawares and he is not prepared for our bond after so long without it. There are no walls around him. Instead I am hit, as if by a blow, with the sea. A raging, churning, mass of waves and breeze and gulls. It makes me struggle for breath and there is no Elladan anywhere. As quick as we connect he snatches his hand from mine leaving me gasping.
"Where are you?" I cry, because throughout that connection, although it was brief, I could not feel his essence anywhere.
"I am here, can you not see me?" He says flatly, and then he turns and leaves.
Glorfindel stands to follow although he must know it will end in disaster, and I glance at Legolas who looks haunted and anxious, as he stares at the door which slams behind Elladan's departing back. I know, as much my brother has hurt me, it should be me who does this, it should be me who follows, and for Legolas' sake I will.
"I will go." I say, standing, placing a hand on Glorfindel's shoulder to halt him. "Let me do this."
For a moment I think he will protest, but he does not, he steps aside and lets me go.
"Elrohir...do not-" Legolas calls after me, his words strangling to a halt, but I know what it is he wants to say, do not lose your temper, do not hurt him, do not unleash your anger. I hope I can manage it, I want to...but can I? The anger within me is deep and bitter.
I am awash with tension by the time I arrive at my brothers room and the door swings open aggressively when I push it, perhaps too hard. This is not a good start and Elladan looks up in surprise at my entry, perhaps it was Glorfindel he expected? He must have known one of us would follow him.
"Why are you here?" he asks me and I can see fear in his eyes, is he afraid of me...or my answer?
"What was that?" I go on the attack, hoping to prise some information out of him by taking him unawares. "I felt the sea. Is that what it is like for you? I could not even sense you amongst it."
"You did not look closely enough then for I am here." He brushes his fingers across my face, the briefest of touches and I do feel him then, however it is not the calm Elladan I am used to but an agony of turmoil.
"Perhaps you did not wish to see me," he continues, "for it is you who have shut me out. Still I will take what I can, at least you are still here, even if you despise me."
"I do not! I have told you I love you...were you not listening? That is why your betrayal hurt, because I love you." I wonder how I have ended up having to defend myself?
He laughs and it is bitter to the core.
"Do not pretend to me Elrohir. I have never felt as apart from you as I have these last few days."
I grow frustrated then for why does he not understand?
"I am doing what you asked of me," I cry, " I have to shut you out so I do not hurt you. I am trying to have control, to not let my anger cause me to do damage when I do not wish it. I nearly lost Legolas because of it, I will not lose you."
For years and years he has told me I must have more control of myself, that I cannot act first and regret later and now I am attempting to do so he does not understand.
"You hate me. I do not blame you." He turns away from me and suddenly I know what is happening here. This is the sea, seeking to divide us.
I grasp his shoulder and turn him back to face me. I am desperate to make him understand this. I must do this.
"This is not real, Elladan, what you are feeling. It is the sea! It is telling you lies." but he will not listen.
"The look on your face when Legolas told you what we had done was real. Tell me it was not."
I am struck then by inspiration, I have felt the sea within him. I have never felt even a fraction of it within Legolas but with Elladan it is different, our bond is different, a part of us, as if we are two halves of a whole and I can reach it. I can take it! I can save them both!
"I will take the sea from you." I cry in excitment and he recoils.
"You will not! You are not meant to have it, it will destroy you completely and I will not let that happen."
But now the idea has occurred to me I am determined. I grasp his hand firmly, before he can move out of my reach and search our bond for the sea, but this time I do not find it, he is prepared and he has buried it deep within himself. All there is is Elladan and he is angry. His red hot anger surges around me. Still I am not that easily defeated, not when the life of my brother depends upon me and so I push, harder, deeper, into his mind and his soul, where is it? It must be somewhere! He cannot hide it from me forever.
"Get out!" He pushes me forcibly away, out of his mind and across the room so I hit the wall with a thud.
"How dare you! How dare you violate me! Do you hate me that much you would destroy me?" he is screaming with rage and I am, for a moment, still confused at finding myself outside of him. This time it is he who shuts me out.
"I do not hate you, Let me in Elladan, let me help you." I plead when I have recovered my senses but all I get is a fist to the face which makes me see stars. It hurts.
"You do not have the right to help yourself to my mind!" he is crying now, tears streaming down his face and I am at a loss, I do not know what to do and it tears me apart, I always know what to do when it is Elladan. My cheek stings and I cradle it with my hand.
"Get out." Elladan shoves me towards the door, "Why did you even come here if it was only to hurt me?"
"I came to help you," I say, one last attempt to reach him, but he does not hear me. He hears only the whispers of the sea in his ears that tell him that I hate him.
"Leave me alone! Never do that again!"
Those are the last words I hear as the door slams behind me and I lean back against it wondering just how that ended up going so very wrong.
"Your visit was not a success then." Glorfindel says quietly, from where he stands a few feet down the corridor.
"Obviously not." I reply angrily, my hand still on my cheek where I can feel the bruise forming. "I tried to find the sea within him and he is unhappy with me."
"I would say unhappy is an understatement." Glorfindel smiles at me sadly, as he reaches beyond me to the door handle.
"You are not going in there! It will end in a mess Glorfindel! He will not listen to you."
"I will not try to make him listen," he says. " Not now when there is no chance he will hear me. I go to offer comfort for he needs it. Do not worry for me."
And before I can stop him he is gone. I am in awe of his courage for I do not think I would be brave enough to face my brother now, but there are no shouts from behind the door, no signs of an argument.
And I hope he is right as I walk away, I hope he can comfort where I could not.
P.S. Many thanks to my guest reviewer on the last chapter. It was MUCH appreciated! :)