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Legolas

Leaving Imladris this time is difficult, and yet at the same time, exhilarating. I don't want to go, I have just rediscovered Elrohir, he has always been there but things between us had become so changed and now, now it is like it was when I first found him, when we were young, before the world came between us. I do not want to go.

But then, ahead of me lies the promise of Aragorn. The chance we can take our friendship and build it anew. That chance lights me with a fire of hope, for being sundered from him has caused me much pain.

I awake the morning of our departure with excitement, the doubts and worries of the night before have vanished while I slept. Whatever it was I saw must have been an illusion, a trick of my mind, for I know Elrohir loves me. I know it. I have no reason to doubt him, I do not doubt him, not in this moment. He smiles at me and his eyes are lit with love. He has forgiven me all the wrongs I have done him. I am blessed to have him and I rejoice in it.

There is only one cloud upon my horizon and that is Elladan, I go, before I leave, to attempt one last time to change his mind but Glorfindel intercepts me.

"Leave it Legolas." he says placing a hand firmly on my chest so I cannot move past him.

"I must try once more," I say, "I can see he is struggling, it comes between him and Elrohir, too long have I come between them."

But Glorfindel is adamant, he will not be swayed.

"You will achieve nothing today. Trust me. I have this in hand."

He is so commanding, so convincing, that I do trust him. I let it go, if only I had persevered would things have been different?

And so we take our leave, Aragorn, Gimli and I, on our trip to recapture times past. I look back over my shoulder as we go and watch, before he is gone from my sight, Elrohir, who stands, alight with love, I am not yet gone and yet I cannot wait to return to him.

Our trip is as successful as he promised me it would be. Free from the ever watching eyes of Aragorn's guards, from the protocol that binds us so tightly, we relax and rejoice in each other. It is exactly as it was except better, for we are no longer pursued by darkness as we were last time we travelled here. We are free to meander, to roam as we will. The days move on and Aragorn and I, we do find ourselves again. I wonder sometimes when we are sharing a joke, usually at poor Gimli's expense, how I ever convinced myself he was lost to me. Did I have any control over my own thoughts then?

I am happy. It has been a long time since I could say this but I am finally, truly happy.

It is a few days before it starts, before the doubts, the worry, the jealousy begin to creep their way across my mind. It is a dream that begins it, a dream in which I relive that scene in Imladris, where I looked down upon Elrohir and his once upon a time lover. Why my subconscious chooses that path to wander while I sleep I do not know. I look down, I see their intimacy, their touch, as I did before, but this time Glorfindel is not there with me, the intimacy does not vanish as it did before but intensifies until I have to turn my head, I cannot watch.

I am woken then, in a cold sweat. Aragorn crouches down beside me, his face concerned.

"Forgive me for waking you," he says, "Your dreams did not seem pleasant ones."

It takes a while for me to realise it was only a dream. It felt so real. I shake my head to try to rid myself of it, and Aragorn places a hand on my shoulder.

"Do you want to speak of it?"

I hesitate, perhaps I should tell him of this. He can help me dismiss it for it is surely nonsense. But a voice whispers in my ear, 'he will only lie to protect his brother,' and so I stay silent.

"No," I say cautiously, "It is only the past, we travel through roads we have trod before. It comes back to haunt me, it is nothing." and he accepts that with a smile,

"It is all behind us Legolas."

"I know that."

His friendship warms me but later, as we ride, the dream comes back to me. Why was it different, why so vivid? Why did I imagine more than I had seen? Because perhaps that is how it is now you are not there... my inner voice whispers ...now he does not have to hide it from you, now he is free to be with who he wishes?

The idea is ridiculous. I am not a seer. I have no gift of foresight, I cannot see the future or places where I am not, but still I dwell on it until it invades my every waking moment. What does Elrohir do in Imladris now that I am not there?

I become withdrawn and sullen and my companions watch me with concern, I know it, but I cannot keep my mind from Elrohir and his lady love, for I have convinced myself that is what she is.

We are but a day away from home when Aragorn approaches me one evening as I sit and stare moodily into the river we camp beside.

"You are quiet tonight." he says, sitting down beside me.

"Is all well?"

"Well enough." I know I should at least attempt to be more my usual cheerful self but I do not have the energy.

"The closer we come to home, the quieter you become, does something worry you?"

I know he speaks only from love for me but something inside me makes me attack. I do not know where my next words come from.

"Home?" I sneer, "It is your home but not mine. But of course you have ensured I no longer have a home to go to, haven't you."

He blinks in shock for I gave him no warning of my temper, in truth I had no warning of it myself but now it consumes me. I am a churning mass of anger.

"Ithilien is your home, Legolas," he says quietly after a pause, "Your people who love you are there."

"It is not my home! My home is the Greenwood and I have no people there, no father, none who love me. I can not even tarry there for you have seen to it I will find no peace. You have destroyed me with your sealonging!"

I know this will hurt him. I know he blames himself for my sealonging and over and over I have argued with him that it is not his fault. Yet suddenly that is how I feel, that all of this is down to him, if I had not followed him, if I had not listened to him, If I had not loved him, I would still be free and Elrohir would be mine.

"Legolas..." He gasps softly in shock, "Do you mean this?"

"Of course I mean it! Why did you do this? Is it simply to keep Elrohir and I apart?" I spit my words with venom, "You will be pleased to know you have succeeded!"

He stares at me in horror and I feel joy at his pain, but within me struggles a voice that asks me why I do this...why do I hurt him?

"Legolas! What goes on here?"

It is Gimli, he has heard my raised voice and come to investigate. At the sound of him, my anger bleeds away, as if it spills out of me onto the ground.

I am left speechless, what am I doing? Why do I speak to my friend, my beloved friend like this? What am I even angry about? He was only trying to help me. None of this is his fault.

"Aragorn?" When I do not answer him Gimli turns his attention to Aragorn who still stands, staring at me white faced. The sight of him breaks my inertia.

"Forgive me!" I gasp, "I do not know where that came from. I do not mean it, you must believe me."

The words spill out of me in desperation, we have been so reunited, what if I have spoiled it all, spoiled it all because of what?

He does not answer me.

"Aragorn," I plead, "I am sorry, I am tired, I do not know what is wrong with me, please say you will not listen to my bitter words. None of it is true."

I feel tears spill down my face, have I destroyed it, his love for me? All that we have so painstakingly built on this journey?

Gimli is beside me now, his face etched with worry,

"Now lad," he pats me on the arm, "What is up with you? Have you not been sleeping? Aragorn, fix this!"

Finally Aragorn moves towards me then, but I cannot read his eyes.

"Are you sure you are well?" He says quietly, "Is there nothing you are keeping from me?"

'Tell him' I think, 'Tell him of Elrohir.' but something holds me back and I find I cannot. Even my thoughts of Elrohir's betrayal seem ridiculous now. He loves me and me alone, why have I been thinking anything else?

Instead I collapse in contrition and weep,

"Tell me I have not ruined it all." I cry between sobs.

He places his arms around me then and holds me.

"You have ruined nothing," he murmers in my ear, " but I would know what has caused this, for I think it is more than fatigue."

"Gimli is right, I have not been sleeping, my dreams have been troubled," I will confess to this at least and he knows it is true. "I do not know where that came from, I am not myself."

He sighs gently then,

"Why did you not tell me? Tonight I will give you something and you can sleep with pleasant dreams. You only had to ask."

And so we continue as if it had not happened, when night comes he offers me his bitter tasting medicine and I take it gratefully for I am sick of nights spent reliving watching Elrohir and his betrayal. As I drift towards artificial sleep I hear them talking,

"What happened?" Gimli says "What was that?"

"I do not know," Aragorn replies and I can hear the worry in his voice.

"It was strange and I am not sure it is as simple as he attempts to make us believe. We will see how he is in the morning with some rest. I will reassess things then."

And then sleep finally takes me and I know no more.

In the morning when I awake it is as if my world has been washed clean. The rest has done me good and my spirits are high, but Aragorn, of course, pins me down.

"What was yesterday about?" he asks when he is sure, because of my buoyant mood, I will not turn on him.

I am as honest with him as I can be.

"I do not know, it was as if I was outside of myself, even as I said the words I wondered why I said them. Perhaps it is worry at returning home? Today, all is better."

He frowns in concern.

"Why did you not tell me the extent of your lack of sleep? Will you never learn?"

"It did not seem that important," I shrug and he rolls his eyes at me which makes me laugh.

"Tell me you will not take what I said to heart," I say then, as at our closeness I am suddenly overtaken by a wash of anxiety.

"I did not mean it, not a single word."

There is a pause before he answers, a pause which to me seems to stretch on endlessly,

"I do not take them to heart, Legolas, but I would have you come to me with problems rather than hide them and it bothers me that you do not."

Now is my chance, now is my opportunity to confess all, to tell him of my problems with Elrohir, to let him help me, but something inside me prevents it. Today, on this bright morning with home within reach my worries seem far away, a figment of my imagination and I cannot bring myself to admit them. I will look an idiot.

And so I keep my own counsel and my thoughts to myself.

And the jealousy, although it is but a tiny thing this beautiful day, still twists within me turning all to dust.