Legolas
I am a long time alone in the darkness and I cannot find my way out. Briefly, fleetingly, I hear voices calling me at times but I do not know who they are or how to answer them. I am lonely and afraid and lost.
Then Elladan comes. Unannounced, his light parts the black before my eyes and I am blinded by him. When he calls my name I try to hide for he has hurt me, I know that much, I cannot remember how or why but I know whatever he did it hurt badly and I do not wish to approach him.
He lures me out though. He promises to return the sea and oh how I want that. In the end I cannot resist. I do not stop to consider if his words are true or a trap, instead I grasp his outstretched hand and claim it.
And suddenly, in an instant, I am reunited with my sea and with myself. It is such a relief, such a joy and I am overwhelmed by it. I dance in the waves and my heart soars for I am back. I am Legolas.
Elladan stands before me wading in the waves and he is laughing. It is so long since I have seen him happy and so I call out to him in my joy but suddenly, inexplicably, he vanishes and I am alone. Alone with myself and the waves.
The sea is a balm upon my soul. It washes away the darkness that had previously encased me. But most of all, best of all, is the fact that I am now complete. The ragged hole that had scarred my fea is sealed tight and I am contained within myself once again.
With the darkness gone I realise I can open my eyes to the light and when I do I see Elladan is there beside me although his joy is gone and his face tense with worry. I am in my room in Minas Tirith, in my bed and safe.
"Elladan!" I say his name mainly to ease his mind and then I am filled with such gratitude, such thankfulness for the gift he has blessed me with, the return of my soul, that I embrace him. "Thank you!" I cry and it is not enough. I cannot express how much I owe him for this.
There is banging at the door, insistent banging and I hear Aragorn calling my name, shouting in anger at Elladan and so I think to let him in, despite Elladan's alarm at my attempting to stand. I find out soon enough he is right when my legs fold underneath me.
It is so ridiculous, so absurdly silly, me sitting on the floor and even more so when Elladan, as he tries to help me, awkwardly collapses beside me. I cannot stop laughing. Tears stream down my face but I am so happy. It is such a relief to feel myself, to have the swish of the sea back in my ears.
Aragorn and Glorfindel burst in to the room in total panic. I wonder why? Why have they been locked out in the first place? And when I speak Aragorn simply stares at me as if he has never seen me before.
I am aware then that perhaps I have missed something vital.
He kneels down beside me and he is strangely anxious. I feel the worry flowing off him in waves.
"How do you feel?" he asks. "What has he done?" and he clasps my face in his hands. They are shaking...his hands are shaking. What is wrong with him?
"I have a headache," I say although I had not noticed until I speak the words that I do. My head throbs and when I lift my hand to my forehead cautiously I feel a wound there, and stitches. "What has happened?" I ask Aragorn. "How did I get this?" Now that I am thinking on it I find I am not really sure what has been going on. My memories are a jumbled mess.
"You fell and hit your head," he replies and his voice wavers. "I have not been able to wake you. I could not reach you."
"Oh!" Now this makes sense to me. "It was you who I heard calling my name! I could not tell."
"I thought we would lose you." Aragorn's voice cracks with emotion and I am suddenly afraid for him. Surely it has not been that bad!
"You will not lose me." I pat his shaking hand encouragingly trying to reassure him. "I am well now. Elladan has returned my sea to me."
He turns then to Elladan beside me, horror on his face.
"You did that? You saw how weak he was and you chose then to meddle with the sea-longing? Do you have no care at all for him?"
The tension between them is palpable. The air crackles with Aragorn's anger and I do not understand it. Elladan is my saviour—why does Aragorn attack him so?
"I had no choice!" Elladan cries, "It was the only thing that would save him."
"But alone Elladan?" It is Glorfindel and he is solomn as he places a hand upon Elladan's shoulder. "That was foolish in the extreme."
"Estel would not let me in. He would not have let me do this. You said it yourself, we did not have the luxury of time."
They are all confusing me. Why is Aragorn so tense and angry? Why this urgency? Why were Elladan and I locked in my room? Why can I not remember?
"You were right." Elladan is speaking to Aragorn now. "You were right back in Imladris when you said we played with fire messing with the sea-longing. I damaged Legolas when I took it, and I damaged myself as well. That damage has caused his irrationality, his paranoia and was why he was fading."
"There was a hole in my fea." I add. I am still unsure what he means, have I been paranoid? But I remember that. "It felt as if I was losing myself. There was no Legolas left."
Aragorn says nothing. He frowns at the both of us as if he does not believe a word we say. I know it sounds fantastical.
"When I saw Elrohir," Elladan continues, "He told me when he first woke he confused me for Legolas. I felt like Legolas to him. And I realised that was why, that was why I was out of control...that was the reason for the wildness Arwen said she felt within me. The sea-longing was a piece of Legolas' soul and I could not deal with it. It made me...unpredictable."
As he speaks it is like the slow opening of a floodgate within my mind, for where is Elrohir? If I have been so unwell as to cause Aragorn such worry why is he not here? And then I remember.
I see it all. The strange dreams of Elrohir's unfaithfulness I have been plagued with. My anger with him. The hunting trip, the boar. Elrohir flying through the air, Elrohir bleeding, his blood covering my hands as he calls me beloved. Elrohir dying. It is too much. I am filled with a wave of nausea as the memories assault me and I think I may be sick.
"Elrohir!" I cry and I push Aragorn's hands off me. "Where is he? Tell me he lives, please! Tell me he is not dead."
He will not let go me, he will not allow me to push him away. Instead he holds me tight.
"He is alive Legolas and he will be well. I promise you, all is well with him now."
I feel as if I cannot breathe as the memory of Elrohir lying still and deathlike returns. It chokes me with terror, so much so that I almost cannot listen to the reassurance Aragorn gives me.
It is then I remember Elladan.
I knew he had hurt me. I knew it as I hid in the darkness, I knew it when he came to find me but I did not know how. Now I do. I remember the words he spat at me. I remember lying on the floor as he kicked me. I remember the pain, emotional and physical. That is what he means when he says he was unpredictable. That is why Aragorn is angry.
"You hurt me." I gasp at him and his face is instantly devastated.
"I am sorry, I am so sorry Legolas. I did not mean it...I do not, I would take it back if I could. Please forgive me."
The look on his face brings me to a standstill. This is Elladan who saved me. The pain that he caused me is raw but he was as much a victim as I was.
"You saved me." I whisper, "You took my sea-longing when I begged you and did not think on the consequences to yourself. You saved me then and you have saved me now. Of course I forgive you." And it is heartfelt. I do.
It is Glorfindel who interrupts us, bending over Elladan and helping him to his feet. He has obviously decided he has had enough, of Aragorn's anger and my pain.
"Come Elladan. You have paid a high price for your foolishness. I think it is time for you to rest."
I try to stand to then and feel a surge of irritation when Aragorn prevents it.
"Let me go!" I snap at him, "I must see Elrohir."
"Elrohir is going nowhere." He says. "I mean it when I say you do not need to worry for him. You, on the other hand, are a mess. When did you last sleep? Can you even remember?"
Of course I cannot.
"You will rest as well then." He uses his kingly, commanding voice that is so very irritating. "I will send word to Elrohir you have recovered and you can see him tomorrow."
Unfortunately I am too tired to argue with him although it is very tempting to resist just to annoy him.
I do rest then, my mind drifting through thoughts both pleasant and upsetting. Aragorn sits beside me, his hand in mine and I must admit it is reassuring to have him here.
"I am sorry to have caused you to worry." I mumble to him through the sleep that drags on my eyes. "We have too little time together to waste in argument and fear." And I know I have wasted much of it allowing the gulf that lay between us since the attack on me to last for so long.
"I am just pleased you have returned to us." He pats my hand and takes a breath. "I do not know if I can forgive Elladan this." He says then, as much to himself as to me.
I force myself alert then.
"You must Aragorn! This is not his fault."
And he simply shrugs.
"I do not know if I can find a way."
"You can!" I am certain of this. "You forgave me the injury I did to you when my mind was twisted by grief and pain. You have pleaded with me to forgive myself that. You say I was not to blame because I was not myself. Nor was Elladan to blame for what he did to me. He was not himself either, you cannot forgive me but then not him the same indiscretion. That is not fair Aragorn."
He is silent then, but he nods and I know he will think on it.
As I allow myself to drift towards sleep Elladan's words return to me. He wished me to leave Elrohir alone. He accused me of harming him more often than I make him happy and there is truth in that. His words spiral through my brain until I am no longer aware. Then the sea sings me a lullaby and brings sleep my way.
When I awake it is dark and Aragorn is asleep in the chair beside me. He must be exhausted. I, however feel invigorated and alive. I must see Elrohir and I will wait no longer so I ease myself out of bed slowly, carefully, not waking Aragorn and creep across the room. Luckily my legs are now behaving themselves. That is a relief. As amusing as it was sitting on the floor with Elladan I do not wish to spend my life there.
I have awoken with a conviction, a surety about the future and how I should approach it. I am certain I am right. I am certain this is the only way to proceed and so now, I will act upon it.
And so I move gently down the corridor, making my way to the room of my beloved.
There is much I need to say to him.