It's A Broken Message
Part Four: Analysis
There was something different. Han didn't know what.
He looked around the dinner table. The food was normal. Nothing was burnt or poisoned or anything. It was tasty.
He took another bite of his bantha-burger and looked at his wife. She was tired- setting up a whole resistance was taking a lot of work and would probably take a few years- but that was nothing new. She was still beautiful. Smiling brightly.
Then he looked at his son and wondered how it had taken him this long to notice.
"You changed you hair, Ben?" Han raised his eyebrows. His son's normally dark hair was a few shades darker, more midnight than brown now.
"Yes, Dad." Ben rolled his eyes. His mouth twisted into a grin. Oh, his son loved to show off. "I was wondering if you'd notice."
"It's not that different." Han looked at Leia. Surely she'd agree with him. He should have known better.
"Your father just happens to be colorblind." Leia betrayed him. She didn't even try to hide her smirk. Her eyes twinkled as Ben broke out laughing. Han didn't think his face was that entertaining.
"Do you like it?" Ben asked. Han had to smile at him. Ben's tone suggested that he didn't really care what Han thought but Han could tell it was complete baloney. It was in the set of his jaw, the way he bounce in his chair as one of his feet kicked gently. Knowing this, it wasn't like Han could say he didn't like it.
"I think it suits you." Han nodded. "It's nice to see you taking after me for once."
"Huh?"
"Great hair," Han explained. It was totally from his side of the family.
Ben cackled at that and Han felt slightly hurt. His hand automatically to his hair.
"Mom has you beat." He gestured at Leia's elaborate braided coil. "I'm sorry Dad, but you're getting pretty scruffy looking."
Han froze and looked at Leia. Words escaped him as to just how terrible this was. Ben had said some pretty unkind things over the years but this? This was completely Leia's fault. "Scruffy?!"
Leia insincerely patted him lightly on his hand. He knew she didn't understand just how much of a travesty this all was when she shared a look with their son. Poor Ben. He used to be so sweet before he'd been so unjustly corrupted.
"Well…" Han's face twitched into multiple wounded expressions. "We can't all be royal."
"You know Dad," Ben was not as sly as he thought he was, "Mom can help you dye your hair as well. Get rid of all the grey!"
"Now listen here, Ben," Han stood up and pointed fiercely at his son. "My hair is perfectly fine and-"
"That's enough, boys." Leia interrupted. She smiled at Ben, "You know better than to pick on your father like that. He's sensitive."
"Sensitive?!"
"Oh, stop that. You know I've I'm going to insult you then I'd actually do it, lazerbrain. You're looking entirely too pathetic."
"Hey, hey- excuse me, Princess!"
Leia ignored him blithely, "See Ben? He's entirely too sensitive. You need to remember that."
"Yes, Mom." Ben nodded. Han supposed it was nice to see him smiling. Maybe he could let the slight against his hair slide just this once. Maybe.
…
It isn't a moment of logic. In fact, Ben's been thinking too long. That's what drives him to try it.
He was in his room, his door slammed shut, and he turned his music up as loud as he dares. His dad yelled at him again and Ben's trying to forget. It's never the words said that tear him apart, but those left unsaid. It just wasn't fair. Ben was doing his best. It wasn't his fault that he hadn't turned in his history essay yet. He hadn't had enough time to finish it. He couldn't just fling words down like other people, he needed to research it and make sure it was perfect. He had to phrase it like he wanted it to be.
And yes, he had yelled at his teacher about it. Ben admitted that it probably wasn't the best choice but how else could he make her understand? He'd seen his mother get her way by using sharp words before. If it worked on the Onderon ambassador, why wouldn't it work on Ms. Kendle? Except Ben hadn't had the amount of control he needed. But no one understood why he needed to finish the essay in his head before he wrote it down. Everyone just thought he was being needlessly contrary.
He tried not to think about it all. He needed to distract himself. He knew that Mom was going to be disappointed and that was not going to be fun. She'd bring logic into things and negotiate a compromise. Even worse, she'd be disappointed. Ben thought that she probably wondered how he couldn't do these things himself. She probably thought that he was stupid or something, that he had no control.
With a growl, he got up from his bed and started pacing. He picked up the stress ball his dad had bought him years ago and started to throw it around. It was simple at first. He just thew it up and caught it. Then he started bouncing it off his walls or nudging it carefully with the Force. It was hard to use the Force when he was all wound up like this but like always it brought little bursts of peace.
He tossed it over the dresser, careful not to hit the few breakable objects he had, and-
"BEN! GET DOWNSTAIRS!"
He flinched. Did Dad really have to shout? He turned to glare at the door but then remembered the ball. He shifted his attention back and no! It was about ready to smash into the little bottle of Tatooine sand Uncle Luke had given him. He reached out with the Force instinctively freezing the ball with all the irritation he felt at his father and the fear for his sand.
He didn't realize until he'd physically recovered the ball that he'd used the Dark Side.
Ben shuddered as he felt the now familiar sensation of the Dark. He couldn't quite stop from looking out of the corner of his eye for Snoke. It was only a little Dark, more like one grain of sand to the rest of his light.
His heart pounded and he sat on his bed. What did it mean that he'd used the Dark Side? Yes, he'd been thinking about it recently. He'd been tempted to experiment with it, to see just how Snoke could bare to use it. But this? It wasn't intentional. Not really.
He just panicked! That was all. He didn't want to lose his uncle's present. After all, the sand was precious- It was part of the planet that Darth Vader grew up on. It was something he treasured.
It was all Dad's fault. If he hadn't of yelled then he wouldn't have used the Dark Side. Ben took a shaky breath. It wasn't his fault. No. It was out of his control.
Except that made it worse. That made it scary. He had to be in control of himself.
He growled and sent that emotion into the ball. It flung out of his hand and smacked against his door like a meteorite hitting a planet. He grinned in triumph.
It didn't feel any differently. The Dark Side was still like a sticky coating. It was still loud and chaotic. It was a wave of power that he didn't understand.
But he could control it if he had too. That was something at least.
He shook again and was unable to bare the noise of the lingering Darkness anymore. He focused himself and used the Light to move the ball around everywhere the Dark had touched. He tried to burn out any remnants that lingered. But the Dark was inside him, it was still roaring in his ears. He could still make out it's melody even as he composed a symphony of Light.
He heard his father's footsteps and dropped the ball. By the time his father reached his room and opened his door, Ben was still sitting on his bed but holding his head in his hands.
"Ben, are you okay? I heard a crash." Dad approached him. His thoughts lined up, saying nothing but concern for once.
"I-" Ben hesitated, "I just don't feel very good. I think I'm sick." His parents could never find out about this. Uncle Luke either. He didn't even know what they'd do, he'd be in so much trouble. They'd probably never stop yelling at him. He'd be grounded forever. He'd never get to be a Jedi and what if they gave him back to Snoke? He just used pure evil, no matter what Snoke had told him. He knew it was wrong.
His parents would probably rather have him become a Spice addict than a Sith Lord. In fact, even dealing Spice would get him in less trouble.
They could never know.
He just had to focus on hide hide hide. Dad would be easy to trick. He didn't have the Force Sensitivity to be a problem. It probably would be a good idea to avoid Mom for a few days. It was so good that Uncle Luke wasn't here. It was going to be hard enough to hide it from Mom. She could sniff out anything.
He groaned and his head slipped further down. His father's thoughts became a concerned mess. It was good that Ben's panic had made him sickly pale. He apparently looked pretty bad. His father put a hand on his forehead.
"Well, you don't have a fever." His father said awkwardly. He started fussing with his hair. He'd always been out of his element whenever Ben got sick. "Maybe you should rest or something? I could call a doctor? Take you to the hospital? I guess I'll go get the Falcon-"
Ben didn't let him finish his thought, "I think I just need to sleep. A doctor would just make it worse."
"Worse. Got it." He fidgeted backwards. Then he almost tripped on the stress ball. "Do you really have to leave everything on the floor, kid?" He almost sighed. Ben was surprised that it lacked any heat. "Do you need anything?"
Ben shook his head, then flinched like he had a headache and it had hurt. He could act after all. He wasn't stupid.
For the first time his father looked suspicious but he kept moving towards the door, "If you're sure then, Ben."
"Yeeeah, Dad." Ben sighed when he was finally gone and his door was safely closed.
He was going to have to be very careful. He couldn't let anyone find out, ever.
But, if he'd already touched the Dark Side, then wasn't the damage already done? He knew that he was never going to Fall to it- no, not even if it clung to him. He could still use the Light just fine and there was no way he'd ever abandon that side of the Force. The Dark Side wasn't like Uncle Luke described. It wasn't seductive at all. He could stop at any time. Maybe he was just that strong. Yes, that was it. He was stronger than the Dark Side.
He just needed to know more about it. He needed to know how it worked. He needed to know how Snoke could keep using it, and even more how he could defend himself against it. Ben stopped himself from shaking. He'd figure the Dark Side out and find out how to control it. He wasn't just going to be scared of it. He was Ben Solo- the son of Leia Organa and Han Solo, heroes of the New Republic. He couldn't let himself be ruled by fear.
He wasn't going to Fall. He could stop at any time.
That being said, his experimentation could wait until later. For now he wanted to imagine that he hadn't just used the Dark Side and listen to the call of the Light. He wasn't scared.
…
Leia wondered if she should just invest in a futon or some kind of rollout. She admitted that it was kind of entertaining how her brother kept twisting himself into strange positions to fit on her couch but it probably wasn't very comfortable. Well, she was probably moving soon anyways. Her Resistance was almost ready to start mobilizing. As soon as she finished negotiated the issued of funding then she'd have to find a good planet for the base. She didn't know how long that would take but something told her she didn't really have to worry about replacing her couch until then. Luke didn't stop by that often after all.
She brewed two cups of tea. She make sure to be quiet. Leia didn't want to wake up her boys. Although, to be honest she wasn't entirely sure how Han and Ben hadn't woken up from Luke's entrance. She could tell that Luke had tried to be quiet but… 'tried' was operative word.
When she had the tea ready she prodded Luke awake. It was better to get this out of the way sooner rather than later.
"Leia? What you doin'ere?" He slurred from his stupor. She shoved his mug under his nose.
"Since I'm apparently your psychologist now, I'm going to listen to what's wrong this time."
Luke pathetically tried to sit up. It took him a while to shift positions. Leia almost felt sorry for him. When he looked awake enough, Leia passed him his tea. She made sure he didn't spill it when his shaking hands grabbed it.
"You shouldn't just assume something's wrong."
"Luke," she sat down on the caff table in front of him and set her tea down, "When is something not wrong with you?"
"Leia, that's not nice." Luke sniffed his tea.
"Fine. That was a little much." Leia shrugged. What did he expect of her this early in the morning? It's not like she was the nicest person ever when she wasn't this tired either. Luke was the nice one. She was the one who got results. "But you're on my couch again. That usually means that you ran away from Jedi school again."
"I didn't run away." Luke argued. He took a careful sip of his tea. It was still apparently to hot to drink but he was definitely awake now. "I just called a short holiday. It's Ertiera's birthday tomorrow so I thought she should spend it with her family."
Leia gave him a flat look. Luke looked away like Ben did when he didn't want to keep talking. She could wait.
"I don't know what I'm doing, Leia." He finally admitted. His mug shook slightly. "It's getting to where I have nothing else to teach a few of my students. They're not Jedi yet though, I know that much. And the ghosts won't agree, when they actually show up. There's so much that I never learned that I'm somehow supposed to pass on to the next generation."
"It might just be time to let go." Leia patted him, "Let some of them graduate. If you've taught all you know then that's all you can do."
"Not when I have the dead to pester me when I mess up." Luke groaned and looked at his tea. Leia picked her own mug up.
"I thought Jedi didn't believe in death?"
Luke gave her a look. She probably did deserve that.
Leia blew lightly on her tea. It was almost drinkable. She sighed and turned her attention back to her brother. "You can only do so much, Luke. It takes time to build an organization. I know how frustrating it can be to try to bring back the past. But you know what I've learned over the past few years? It's never going to be the same as it was. You, and your personal haunting squadron, are going to have to accept that."
Luke wouldn't meet her eyes and took another sip of his tea. He didn't jump back this time so Leia took a nice slurp of hers. It was a nice blend. She'd went through a lot of tea before she'd found something similar to what she'd grown up with. Even now it reminded her of Alderaan.
"Have you officially left the New Republic yet?" His voice was full of concern. He tentatively continued, "I know it must be harder on you than you say."
"I'm not the one on the couch." Leia raised an eyebrow. Luke laughed and scooted over. He patted the cushion beside him.
"Well sit down then." His eyes gleamed like the winning dice throw of a good challenge. He was smirking.
Leia herself chuckled and moved to the couch. It was actually a lot more comfortable that the table. She settled herself comfortably and ignored Luke's expectant look. She'd talk when she wanted to.
"It's an easier decision than you think." Leia took another sip of tea. "I raised the New Republic like it was a child. I fought for it, I helped to create it, and I've been with it every step of the way to make sure that it became the institution this galaxy needs. But, Luke? Ben is my son. I will do whatever I need to in order to keep him safe. I won't allow Snoke to use him."
Luke's voice was low as he asked, "Has Ben talked anymore about what he went through?"
Leia shifted her position. She was careful not to spill her tea and set it down on the table. Her hands were clasped in her lap. "He still won't talk about it. I've considered getting him a therapist but he absolutely throws a fit at the idea. He said he just needed time but I'm worried about him, Luke. Ben was starting to behave normally again but now he's withdrawn again."
"He hasn't mentioned anything?" Luke gave her a sympathetic look.
"He'll hint at things. Or sometime he'll shout at Han. As far as we can tell, Snoke just talked to him, but I don't believe that. Ben's been having nightmares ever since, and I swear I can feel a shadow of the Dark Side. I don't trust the Dark Side- not around Ben, not with what it's done." Leia didn't specify their father. Even now she didn't like to accept that the man who tortured her, helped destroy her planet, and had been the boogieman of the Empire was her blood. She wasn't sure if she would ever forgive Darth Vader. She'd accept 'Anakin Skywalker' for Luke, but never Vader. She would never call a puppet her father.
Luke seemed to understand her anyways. Sometimes they didn't need words.
"I don't trust the Dark Side either." He sighed, "That's part of the problem with my students too. How can I defend them against it if I don't know exactly what it is? Or how to resist it's temptations? With Snoke growing in power, they're going to come across it. I couldn't stand it if any of them…" Luke shook his head and put down his tea. Leia leaned into him until he could get passed the unstated.
"And your ghosts aren't any help?"
"As I said, they don't agree on anything. My Order's has attachments. Master Yoda has disapproved of that since the beginning and now he's gotten so cryptic that I don't have any idea what he wants me to do. Old Ben refuses to give me advice because his apprentice turned to the Dark Side. And Father…" He looked at Leia sympathetically, "He doesn't actually show up a lot. Yoda and Old Ben don't appear much either but Father rarely turns up. For all I know, he's already passed on to the other side of the Force or whatever dead people usually do."
"Has he… talked about it before?" Leia asked slowly. Of course, the man couldn't be properly helpful. Dar- Anakin Skywalker just didn't have the best track record when it came to Luke. She couldn't help but look at his artificial hand. She was grateful for their father's final sacrifice, for that she'd always owe him, but her father still owed them so much more than that.
She couldn't imagine ever being about to treat Ben like Darth Vader had tormented Luke.
But surely Luke and Anakin had talked about why he'd turned. Luke had tried talking about it with her once actually. She'd waved it off then. She had wanted to know but at the same time she couldn't let herself understand. She didn't want to feel any sympathy for the monster.
"The Emperor had been manipulating him since he was a child." Luke put his shoulders back and drew out his chin. His eyes wandered over to the stairs. "I don't know everything but it had to do with our mother. She was pregnant with us and Father believed that she was going to die. in childbirth. He was desperate enough to do anything to prevent that."
Leia felt almost cold to finally have the story. She snatched her tea and gulped it down. It was rather unprincesslike and Han would have teased her about it. Then she would have asked if they had anything stronger.
"Leia, it's not our fault." Luke tried to comfort her, "And even if Father hadn't Fallen, the Emperor would have taken the Republic without him. And Ben told me that Mother didn't actually die from childbirth. It's in the past, Leia."
That wasn't what Leia was concerned with but she gave him a thin smile, as real as she could manage. Although, now that he mentioned it, how ironic it was that their birth had helped to cause the fall of the Republic and Jedi Order when they spent the rest of their lives trying to reverse it. But she couldn't blame infants for a war, she was a mother. She knew who was really responsible. That wasn't the problem.
No, she knew desperation.
Her mug was empty and she frowned at the injustice. She could see part of her reflection in the shine of bottom of the cup. There were her eyes, (not blue, not covered in a mask).
"We need need to get stop Snoke." Leia said. She wasn't quite ready to get up for another cup of tea yet. Maybe when Luke finished his? She yawned.
Luke tried to say something but he caught her yawn. Maybe this wasn't the best time to have a serious conversation. She'd been prepared to help his with his Jedi school, not have this turned on information she'd never wanted to know.
She heard the stairs creak and there was her husband. He looked tired and grouchy and cute.
"What's the party?" He squinted his eyes pathetically, "And when did Luke get here? Just because you have a key, kid, doesn't meant that you just show up. Have you ever heard of holoing ahead? Jeez."
"Luke needed some advice on teaching his class." Leia explained.
"Morning." Han said firmly. "Or rather late morning, y'know when people are actually supposed to be awake."
"It's almost a tradition at this point." Leia giggled. Yeah, she was tired.
"Yeah?" Han gave Luke a look, "Well here's my advice- teach 'em to have some manners. Like not waking folks up when the sun isn't up."
"I didn't mean to wake everyone up!" Luke protested. Leia was glad that he was almost done with his tea with the way he clumsily waved it around. She really didn't want tea spilled on her.
"I'm sure you two can draw up a whole curriculum in the morning." Han emphasized morning. Leia was a little amused that he'd actually gotten out of bed. He was so grumpy.
"I'll be up in a few minutes." Leia promised. Han shook his head and sat in his armchair.
"And that means a few hours, knowing you."
"I can actually keep track of time, unlike some people." She pushed out her jaw.
"Really?" He took a calculated glance at the clock, "Then why aren't we asleep?"
She growled and Luke yawned. He put his tea on the table and stretched his arms.
"I guess it is a party." He commented mildly, but there was a grin on his face that seemed to light up the dim room. She shoved him slightly.
"I guess we have different qualifications for a party." Leia sniffed. Then she did a mixture of yawning and sighing. She probably ought to get up and make more tea, especially since Han was joining them but she really didn't want to move.
"You called what happened on Hapes a party." Han complained. "That wasn't a party."
"Oh I remember that," Luke smirked. "Do you remember-"
…
In the morning, Ben tromped downstairs for breakfast. He took one look at the living room and blinked. Apparently his parents had a sleepover last night with Uncle Luke. And Uncle Luke was here. He turned around and decided to sleep in a little longer.
If his parents we're still unconscious then they couldn't drive him to school. That meant no school as long as he didn't wake them up. He'd certainly take extra sleep. School was too early anyways.
…
Ben listened to his mother rant. The New Republic was so unfair to her. Couldn't they see how much work she put into them? Why didn't they appreciate her?
He knew that his mother cared about the New Republic. She'd tried to instill him with the same sense of duty to the people. He had power so he had a responsibility to the galaxy. She wanted him to build a bright future for everyone when he was older.
But now his mother was leaving the New Republic. If she could leave it then it meant that the New Republic wasn't for the best. It meant that Snoke was right about them. It made Ben so mad at the government that he'd trusted because even when Mom had tried her best she still hadn't been able to make the democracy work.
"Hopefully the Resistance won't last long." Mom was apparently done cursing the New Republic, "We should be able to bring down the First Order in a few years. Hopefully by then the Saccorian Faction hasn't brought the whole system down."
"It'll be ok, Mom." Ben said just because he thought he should.
But if the New Republic wasn't right, then what was?
A/N: Ooh, we're getting close to the end. Just two more chapters. And yes, i'm sure it'll be 2 chapters and isn't going to grow again. We're getting deep. And... I apologize about the sand. I just couldn't help myself XD
Anyways, thank you so much for reading this! I hope this chapter was enjoyable. I know I had fun writing it.