Firecrackers and Angel Wings
It has been four solar days since they brought her back.
Four solar days since they had started this unfamiliar journey of trying to find a working routine as whole family.
Four solar days of complete and utter frelling insanity.
So far, they have put her through several extensive medical exams, checked and double checked the girl, made sure she is okay and unharmed.
They have tried to get her to understand the convoluted situation, bogged down with too many years of hopeless uncertainty
How do you explain that?
And yet the only person she seems willing to talk or listen to without threatening is D'Argo. Everyone else gets a nice dose of the silent treatment. After the situation with John in the transport bay, her escape attempts have dwindled down to little more than talk.
Her husband has pulled a pulse pistol on their daughter in the middle of the sleep cycle and the girl, in turn, has been haunting Aeryn's dreams.
That is, when Aeryn is lucky enough to sleep.
Sleep, what the frell is that?
It's a rare luxury, one her mind hardly seems to be able to afford. She barely remembers what it feels like to actually sleep without hesitation or fitful nightmares.
Aeryn is tired.
She's so tired. She wants to hug the girl; she wants to make her understand the utter hezmana that they have been through without her. She wants to make her daughter understand all of the things that John has made her understand over the course of their time together.
But look how long that has taken.
Speaking of her husband, it has been a good twenty-four arns since they have spoken.
"A misunderstanding," John had said.
Their opinions on how to get through to their daughter are entirely opposite at this point, and she is tired of discussing it with him.
So she doesn't.
She avoids him, and sets about with lessons, tech work, and studying star charts. Trying to find a good planet to settle on for a few weekens to earn a little income, get away from the confines of this ship.
The obvious way to kick start Taly into coming around is to use force. Plain and simple. Not to hurt her, but to force her to see their point of view.
Sit her down and tell her, without hesitation, exactly what happened and exactly what's going to be done.
To force her to see that it was never their choice for her to be raised on a Command Carrier.
Tell her how it is and make her come out of this shell that she has crawled into.
"Give her time. Take it slowly. We have to let her work it out at her own pace, in her own way. If we force her, she'll just end up resenting us more," John had replied.
Well, how much time does she need?
She feels out of control, and if there is one thing Aeryn Sun hates it is being out of control.
The door to the quarters whirs open behind her, and she hears John's steady footfalls as he enters the small confines and shucks off his jacket; carelessly tossing it onto a chair.
She doesn't turn and she doesn't acknowledge his presence.
"You know, you can't avoid me forever," he mumbles with a sigh as he walks tentatively closer to her.
"Watch me."
She hates it when he challenges her.
"Aeryn, we have to talk about this and we have to talk about it now. We're in this together and hell if I'm gonna sit back and watch you be pissed off at me over a little difference about the way we raise the kiddos," he says wearily, sitting beside her at the small corner table. "This is a drop in the bucket compared to some of the insanity we've been through together."
Talking. Frelling humans and their talking. Most of which doesn't even begin to make any sense at all.
"A little difference? Is that what you call this?" She laughs doubtfully, finally meeting his gaze. "It's hardly little John. She won't even frelling talk to us and you seem perfectly content to let it go on for as long as she'd like it to."
"There is absolutely no way we can force her to see our side of this, not yet, not right now Aeryn." He tries to grab her hand to secure her reaction, but she pulls away. "Look, she's scared. She's confused. She barely knows who the hell we are! How would you respond in that situation, given your background?"
John's right. He knows her better than she knows herself.
"I know this is hard, I know it is, trust me. It's killing me. I don't know how to get through to her either, but forcing her to our side…it's not the right answer."
Aeryn gives in and finally lets him take her hand into his as he rests them both on the table, his thumb softly stroking the skin of her palm.
"We're gonna get through this. Look at all the shit we've faced." John says with confidence in his blue eyes. "I mean, this is nothing Aeryn. We've gone through worse, and I'm sure we will again. And we've always managed to make it out on the other side, together. Me and you baby. This time isn't going to be any different."
He stands and kisses her on the forehead before he walks over to the bed and crawls in, kicking his boots off and slinging them sloppily to the side of the room.
Aeryn sighs, turning to look at him.
"You are so frelling hard-headed. Do you realize that?" she questions, half jokingly.
"I know. One of the many reasons you find it so hard to resist me right?" He rolls on his side, facing her and patting the bed next to him beckoning her over, his head resting on his palm.
Why did fate see fit for her to fall in love with a mad man, a HUMAN no less? Such a crazy, passionate, and completely unlike her, mad man.
Aeryn smiles ruefully at the thought as she slowly stands. Her head is still bothering her, making every move calculated.
Sitting beside him, she reaches down to unlace her boots before slipping them off. Sliding back and lying down on her side, she fits comfortably into his arms, her back against his chest.
Back where she belongs. Back where things make sense.
He slides his arms around her, pulling her in and she feels his lips meet her hair as he breathes deeply and she closes her eyes.
Warm breath, soft touch.
For the first sleep cycle in at least two weekens she allows herself to fall into a deep slumber. Free of fitful dreams and unsettled rest; safe in the cocoon that she has come to rely on and wouldn't trade for her life.
- -
A long piece of parchment, weathered, torn, and yellowed from the passing of cycles, carefully marked on by his children, his wife, by himself.
Like a ghost.
A spirit of the past, of another world.
It's a simple chart, with English numbers and words drawn by four sets of steady hands,
You're the only one familiar with the custom John-boy.
Earth, God, it seems like a dream. Like a myth. The great Never-Never Land, or Atlantis perhaps. Hell, even Krypton seems more real to him these days than that far away, blue planet he used to call home.
The parchment bears marks of his children's height at different ages. A piece of their past, a relic used to remember the simple things, the joy of watching his children grow a little bit, or a lot, each cycle.
John sits leaning against the warm wall across from the chart, looking at it cautiously; evaluating his next course of action, his next tactical move.
Hell, who are you kidding John? This is about life. This is about family. There isn't gonna be an easy way to figure this one out, no simple calculations with maps and numbers and science.
If Aeryn is right about anything, and she usually is, it's that emotions sometimes make things harder to deal with. Sometimes taking stock of the situation and the tactics and just getting the job done is the way to go.
But, he is a man. He is a human. To him nothing comes without a price. And the price is usually a part, a small piece or a big chunk depending on the blow, of his heart. Emotions are a part of every single thing that he does. That hasn't changed yet. And he is pretty much as sure as hell that it never will.
5'9" - D'Argo, age 15.
3'9" and a half of a half " - Captain Jack, age 7.
2'8" - Taly, age 3.
Scribbles, the last thing he had seen his little girl attempt to write with her small hands. All smiles as she stretched high on little toes.
John sighs at the memory as he slowly stands, touching the edge of the tattered paper as if he is touching the moment itself.
He walks down the corridor towards Command where he knows his two eldest children are supposedly sitting quietly and working on lessons for the day.
He had an entire list of things he had wanted to get done but until he can figure out a way to make this right, to bring her around, then his mind isn't worth shit. He can't focus on his work; he can't focus on finding a planet to settle on for a weeken or two.
You can't even focus on Aeryn, and that is a definite damn problem.
John slowly walks into Command, getting a good look at the tall, handsome boy and the beautiful girl.
Your offspring John, of course they're going to be lookers. They are Crichton's after all.
They're not doing any work. They're talking.
D'Argo had found a way in, and John isn't sure how the hell the boy had done it.
Taly has been talking to her brother, opening up to him, and for the first time since they had brought her back, she actually smiles with him.
It's like a double-edged sword to John. It feels so right to see the look of happiness on his child's face, but he doesn't have a clue how to achieve that on his end.
They both look up at him as he wanders over to the table they're occupying.
"So, uh…how's this studying going? Sure is different than the way we did school back home," he trails off realizing his children probably haven't clue what he's talking about.
"I must sound crazy to you two. It seems like another lifetime anyways," He continues.
For the first time since they brought her back, his daughter doesn't look away. She meets his gaze, softness in her eyes. His heart rate picks up speed for a microt at the mere thought that maybe; just maybe, they have a chance of breaking through.
"It's not like I didn't already know that you were crazy," she smiles tentatively, never breaking eye contact. "It took all of two microts around you to figure that out."
He laughs resting his hands on the table between them and leans in. "Well, you've got me there. I plead the Fifth."
Taly looks over at D'Argo with a questioning gaze.
"You'll get used to that," the boy says reading her confused gaze. "He talks like that a lot. Earth-speak and stuff."
She scrutinizes D'Argo with a subtle look. "Earth?"
Home.
"Home sweet home kiddo," John states with a longing smile. "D', can I grab you for just a second?"
D'Argo closes his book. "Sure Dad, what's up?"
"Won't take but a minute, I'll have you back to your studying in no time at all." John looks at them each in turn. "I mean, it really looks like you two were getting a lot done there. I'd hate to put an early end to this meeting of great minds."
A sly wink in the girl's direction is deserving of another half smile before she looks back down at her book.
John knocks on the table nonchalantly with his knuckles as he turns to walk back out into the corridor, his son trailing behind him.
Once he's pretty sure that they're out of ear shot, John poses the question that has been teetering on the tip of his tongue threatening to spill off.
"D' what's it gonna take?"
D'Argo glances back at his sister before meeting John's gaze. "What are you talking about Dad?"
"What is it gonna take for me and your mom to get through to her? What's it gonna take to earn her trust?" Hands in his pockets, he shoots a quick glance at the boy.
"She's scared Dad, she doesn't have a clue what's going on, beyond what I've told her." D'Argo begins tentatively, trying not to cross the line of trust that he has developed with his sister. "She's coming around, I know she is. I've told her about what happened, what I know. I've told her about you guys and how much you love her. Told her what we do, and where we go, why it's going to be okay. For the first time since she's been back Dad, over the past weeken or so, I really feel like she's gonna be okay with this; with all of it."
"Not without you she wouldn't," John pats his son swiftly on the shoulder. "You're a good kid D'."
"Yeah, well you owe me one I guess huh?" D' asks with a smirk.
"You like those pants covering your ass there boy?" John asks slyly, draping his arm around his son's shoulder. "Cause I provide those. Not to mention your shirt, and your food, and your schooling. You should stop me, by the way, because I could keep going. Point being, I'm pretty sure I don't owe you anything."
"Fair enough. That was a freebee then," D'Argo concedes.
They laugh together and a weight is lifted off of John's shoulders. They are so close, so damn close. He lets his mind relax just slightly.
Sit back and let time run its course.
- -
For the fourth time that weeken, Aeryn finds herself drawn back to the terrace; always ending up at the same place, sitting in the same exact spot over and over again.
A solitary perch, surrounded by stars, the cool breeze from the air shaft on her face, and space for as far as her eyes can see.
Space is a comfort to her right now.
Empty.
Unending.
Vast.
Like a path to the past and the uncertainty of the future.
Beautiful and frightening, uncertain and random.
She's always felt so comfortable with space, but somehow it has changed to her recently. Fear of the unknown was something she had never really allowed her mind to comprehend before.
She is the only one her daughter won't talk to, won't acknowledge or listen to.
Frelling ridiculous.
She is out of ideas, and out of options, and she just feels like jumping in her Prowler and flying for as far and as fast as she can. Who the frell cares where it leads to?
She needs to fly.
Her mind is everywhere. She had never found her thoughts to be something she had trouble controlling, but these past weekens have been a different story. She is lucky if she can reign them in long enough to get a few arns worth of sleep.
The past, present, future. They are all a blur.
Tastes like yesterday…Beyond hope…Three isn't such a scary number...
The door of the quiet room purrs open behind her and she doesn't recognize the footfalls as they meander towards her solitary spot on the ground.
Light steps, small gait.
Aeryn turns tentatively and catches sight of her daughter, dressed in Peacekeeper leather, hair spilling loosely on lean shoulders, and her breath hitches in her throat. She almost coughs, but holds the breath in, muffling the sound. The realization of this huge step is almost enough to bring her to tears.
Almost.
The girl stops short of her mother, looking down and meeting her eyes for a brief microt before they are drawn out to the same space that has been Aeryn's escape for so many solar days.
"It's beautiful isn't it?" She asks her daughter.
The girl replies softly, almost a whisper of a breath. "It's dark, it reminds me of home."
"Me too," Aeryn says patting the ground next to her. "Do you want to sit for a microt or two?"
Don't force her; take it slow, at her pace.
John's words ring in her head like a warning bell from far away. A warning not to push the girl; a warning to guard her heart. Sometimes she forgets that it needs protecting.
Don't get your frelling hopes up.
The girl timidly crosses the short amount of remaining space, coming to rest at Aeryn's side. Taly is hesitant, but she sits regardless, making sure to keep a bit of distance between them. Enough room for a quick escape, but close enough for Aeryn to easily reach out and touch her arm.
Make sure she's really there.
Stillness.
Breath.
Space.
They look on in silence and Aeryn loses track of how long they have been sitting, holding the same positions, and she doesn't care. She hopes it lasts forever. This is the most time she's spent with her daughter since they brought her back. The only time she's spent with her daughter that has been the girl's choice, a voluntary action.
Aeryn looks over to get a glimpse of her. Soft, long, brown hair that curls at the ends slightly, like her own. Delicate features, blue eyes locked on some far off star, steady breathing, her child. She is beautiful.
Comfortable in my presence, the way she should be.
"Once, a long time ago; I was a soldier, just like you." Aeryn says, tentatively breaching the silence, shattering that thin layer of ice that seems to remain between them with her words.
The girl looks up at her, a softness behind her eyes that Aeryn hasn't seen since she was a small child.
"I was a Peacekeeper, and it was my life." She continues, looking forward. "But then, one day, all of the sudden it seemed, I realized that I wasn't really living at all. I didn't even know what life was."
Taly looks back to the vast darkness of space, but she doesn't stop listening.
"What do you mean?" The girl asks quietly.
Aeryn smiles gently at the memories the question immediately brings to mind.
The time when life actually began.
"Love, it's a foreign concept isn't it? A hindrance, something that will weigh you down, frell up your missions? Isn't that what they taught us?" Aeryn questions, looking at her daughter, trying to gauge her reactions.
The girl nods, never taking her eyes off of space.
"They're wrong, you know. I know it seems logical, seems like it makes all the sense in the universe," she continues looking down. "Well, it doesn't really make any sense at all. What is the point in even living if you don't have something, someone to love, something to live for?"
Frell, she sounds like John.
The girl is playing with one of the frayed laces of her boots, listening intently, a sad and longing look on her face.
I remember this life.
"It took tragedy, a complete and utter frell up, for me to figure that out. It took losing the only life I knew, everything that I had ever known in the matter of a microt, for me to even begin to see that." Aeryn scoots just slightly closer to her daughter, looking at her profile and the similarities it holds to John's. She wants to be closer, wants to protect her.
Don't rush her.
"You see, I met your father, and after many, many frelling disasters, after I ran until I couldn't run any more; after cycles of trying to convince myself that I had everything that I needed in myself, in the military… I realized that I didn't want to be alive if I didn't have him.
"I didn't want to be alive if I couldn't protect him. And then I had your brother, and you, and all of a sudden I didn't care about the Peacekeepers, or my detail, or my unit, or flying a Prowler."
"You flew a Prowler?" Taly questions, an amazed look in her eyes as she gazes at Aeryn with a new light. Respect.
Aeryn notices her daughter's newfound determination. "I did once. I was a pilot, still am. Only now, I do it for myself, for our family, when I need to."
"What happened? Why didn't you care about your duty any more?"
"Well, I had a new group of people to live for. And this group was much more important to me, more special, different than anything I had ever known, in all of my cycles with the Peacekeepers." Aeryn sighs. "It was real. It was...well...love."
Is this even coming out right?
The girl gives her a questioning look.
Don't frell this up. This might be your only chance.
"Oh, and I was irreversibly contaminated," Aeryn continues with a slight laugh as she looks at the girl.
A smile. That is definitely a smile.
"I know, it's confusing and crazy and hearing it sounds completely frelling insane. It doesn't even make sense to me half of the time. But, I do know this. I didn't know I was living until I fell in love with your father, fell in love with you. More than that even; until I realized that it was okay to love your father. Okay to love my family."
Just a little bit closer. Brush the hair out of her eyes.
"There comes a time when you have to choose your battles Talyse'un." She rests her hand on top of the girl's and for the first time her daughter doesn't pull away. "Choose your causes, and trust me when I tell you; this one is worth fighting for. This one is worth the risk. Nothing that the Peacekeepers say, nothing that High Command says; nothing is worth living without this."
This family has become her life.
"We fought to bring you back, we will fight to show you why, and we will fight to make sure that you're safe. Always."
She will do whatever she has to do to keep this vow to her daughter and frell it all, they will be okay.