I've been writing this chapter for four years there's something seriously wrong with me

"Man, that was sweet!" Alfred was skipping along backwards in front of Ivan and Yao, regularly stumbling but admirably persisting all the same. Francis walked ahead of them, leading the way.

"Yao, the way you sprung that lock, I mean wow, I had no idea you could do that!"

Yao shrugged. "It's just something I picked up."

"Dude, you need to teach me that like, yesterday."

Catching sight of Francis shaking his head frantically over Alfred's shoulder, he gave a noncommittal "someday," and waited until Alfred turned to Francis before shuddering. Alfred, able to pick locks? Arthur- no, the world - would never forgive him.

"And Francis, you charmer! I thought that chick was never gonna let us leave!"

Francis flicked his hair over his shoulder with a flourish. It shone in the light like no teenager's had any right to. "Her name is Amber, she's a Libra, and we're going to lunch next Thursday."

Alfred looked at him with the beginnings of new respect in his eyes.

"You need to teach me that, too."

Francis sighed. "It's a gift, mon ami. I can try, but I make no promises."

Alfred looked him over appraisingly, before turning to Ivan.

"What did you even say to that police guy, Ivan? I thought we were rumbled for sure!"

"Oh, I just explained to him the situation and he seemed to understand. Why do you ask?" Ivan replied innocently.

"It's just, he looked so scared…" Alfred frowned. Ivan inwardly shrugged. All he'd done was put the fear of the motherland into him. Not his fault if the man took it the wrong way.

"Wow, we make a great team," Alfred sighed happily. "I'm glad I thought up this little trip." He stumbled in his backwards skipping, but managed to right himself quickly and spun round to face the front.

"I meant to do that!" He called out.

"This is it!" Francis announced. He'd stopped outside a two-storey detached house, with a cobbled path and a well-kept garden at the front of it.

"Nice pad." Alfred nodded approvingly.

"Do you think any of his siblings will be home?" Yao asked.

"For all our sakes, I hope not." Francis shuddered.

"I can't even imagine that level of eyebrows in one room, seriously," Alfred said as he vaulted over the front wall and strolled up to the front door. "I feel like the universe would implode or something." He turned around.

"Well, aren't you guys coming?" he asked.

They made their way to his side. Yao eyed up the wall surreptitiously, almost considering copying Alfred's move, before he thought better of it, using the gate like the other three.

"I am thinking of his face when he will open the door," Ivan said. "He will be angry, no?"

"Why would he be angry?" Alfred asked incredulously. "Here, look."

He rapped on the door with his knuckles, to the tune of the Star Spangled Banner, before Francis pulled his hand away and forcibly held it down, at around 'dawn's early light' or so.

They heard a muffled shout from inside the house, followed by the sound of thudding footsteps. Soon after, Arthur threw the door open, shading his eyes against the afternoon sun with a hand. Confused, he looked them up and down, blinking sleepily. Then, his eyes narrowed.

"I was sleeping. Why are you… wait, what time is it?"

"It's… " Alfred grabbed Yao's wrist and brought it up to his eyes to read the time off his watch. "12.30! Hey, can we come in?" He didn't wait for an answer, letting go of Yao and ducking under Arthur's arm to open the first door leading from the hall he came across. "No, wait, that's a cupboard."

"12.30… oh my God, Alfred, did you all skip school to come here?" Arthur demanded, following Alfred as he finally found the living room and settled himself into a plush cream sofa.

"Nice place you got here Arthur," Alfred said, ignoring him entirely.

"It was his idea," Ivan said from the doorway of the room. Alfred glared at him, but Ivan only stuck his tongue out in response.

"Of course it was." Arthur sighed, shaking his head as he sat down in an armchair. "I swear, I can't take my eyes off you people for one second."

"For the record, I was against this," Yao said, perched on the arm of a chair next to Ivan, who had sat next to Alfred on the sofa.

"And yet here you are," said Ivan. Yao hit him in the arm.

"You haven't missed school since we first arrived, Arthur. We were just worried about you." Francis put a comforting hand on Arthur's shoulder, before quickly removing it after hearing Arthur's sharp hiss of pain.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"Just must've slept funny on it, is all." Arthur tried to reassure him, rolling his shoulder a couple of times to try and alleviate the stiffness, missing the way Alfred's eyes tracked the movement. Alfred had, after all, heard a certain superhero complaining about an injury in exactly the same place only last night…

Alfred almost laughed out loud at what he was thinking. Arthur? A superhero? He was being ridiculous.

"I can give you a comforting shoulder rub?" Francis offered Arthur with a wink.

"Oh, go sit down." Arthur gestured at the armchair across the room with a sigh.

"Suit yourself." Francis flounced over to the other armchair, tossing the end of his scarf over his shoulder and crossing his legs elegantly as he sat down.

"Sorry if you were worried about me," said Arthur, watching Alfred bounce his leg up and down out of the corner of his eye. "I've just been so tired lately-"

"I met the Panda Hero!" Alfred interjected with glee, almost jumping up out of his seat with the urge to share the tale of his night-time adventure. He was met with groans from around the room.

"You've already told us this." Yao sighed.

"I've heard this three times!" Francis cried. "No!"

"How many ninja will be in the story this time?" Ivan wondered out loud.

"I thought this visit was supposed to be about me?" Arthur said, not feeling keen on the idea of hearing a dramatic retelling of his own evening. Not even a factually accurate retelling of his own evening, judging by what Ivan had said.

"Yeah, but you're fine, right?" Alfred waved an airy hand. "Stop being such buzzkills, guys. My life changed forever last night."

"Fine." Arthur sighed. "Let's hear it then. Just make it quick, so I can go back to bed."

"You're gonna love this!" As Alfred launched into his tale, Arthur let his excited squeals and unidentifiable action sound effects fade into the background, rolling his shoulder again, trying to alleviate some of the lingering stiffness in the muscle. Maybe he should have said yes to that shoulder rub after all? He looked up at Francis, who having heard Alfred's story three times already was absentmindedly examining his nails, nodding absently whenever there was a lull in Alfred's speech, and thought better of it. You say yes to a massage, and where does it end?

"…so then I was like, 'you have failed this city', and then the Panda Hero was like 'Alfred you are so cool and I wish we could hang out every day' and then we took a kickass selfie together." Alfred paused in his relentless tirade of information to gasp for breath. Arthur took the opportunity to stop him there.

"Alfred," he asked, inserting just the right amount of suspicion into his voice. "Did any of this actually happen?"

"Well…" Alfred looked sheepish, avoiding Arthur's gaze. "We didn't actually stop a robbery together, we just talked."

Francis gasped dramatically in mock surprise.

"But I do have a picture!" Alfred jumped up, wrestling his phone out of his back pocket, and shoved it in front of Arthur's face. It was almost close enough to touch his nose. He certainly couldn't see anything more of whatever he was being shown than some out-of-focus blotches of colour.

"Look!"

Arthur grabbed his wrist and forcibly moved his arm back by about a foot to let his eyes focus.

"Huh," he said finally. "The vigilante let you take this?"

His surprise wasn't entirely faked - he really was surprised at himself. It had been a risky move, allowing a photograph of his Panda Hero self that was anything more than a grainy blur to exist at all, let alone it being in the hands of a friend who could well recognise him. If he hadn't yet, he was unlikely to, but the risk still existed. It was rather unlike him, to allow such risk, but Alfred's innocent excitement had been rather sweet, and he'd found that he couldn't really help saying yes.

It was a good photo, though. Alfred, bundled in his beanie hat and thick winter scarf, his cheeks and the tip of his nose pink with the cold air, grinning from ear to ear with his arm around the hooded hero.

Arthur was actually quite impressed with how he looked as the Panda Hero from a casual glance, having not been around mirrors very often while transformed to properly assess the look. Although he still didn't understand the need for the ears protruding from the top, the hood covered his scruffy sandy-blond hair well, and the forest green markings around his eyes functioned almost like a mask. The flag and its bright colours, rather than looking tacky like he'd worried, were a bold and courageous statement, and the moody and, dare he say it, dangerous expression on his face wasn't like him at all. All in all, it was a functional disguise.

(And, a tiny, less serious part of him whispered, he looked like a proper superhero.)

It was Alfred's lock screen, too, and that was just precious.

Alfred was still looking at him expectantly.

"It's very nice, Alfred," he said.

"You could probably earn some money selling that picture to papers," said Ivan, and Arthur tried to keep the sudden alarm off his face. Alfred blew all his money on comics, and was always on the lookout for ways to get more.

"Hey, I'm not gonna do that!" Alfred was outraged. "The Panda Hero trusted me! It's mine!"

"Just a suggestion," Ivan replied, shrugging. Arthur hadn't really thought Alfred would be the type to 'kiss and tell', for want of a better phrase, but it was nice to hear it confirmed all the same.

"What I don't understand," said Yao thoughtfully, "is why the Panda Hero talked to Alfred at all. He wasn't in danger or a victim, like Ivan was. Why show his face at all?"

"Of course he talked to me, I'm amazing!" Alfred said happily.

"Oh, cher, never change," Francis said, chuckling. "Bathroom, Arthur?" he asked, getting up.

For one odd moment, Arthur thought Francis was asking him to go with him.

"Oh, uh, first door at the top of the stairs," he replied. "Can't miss it."

"Don't miss me too much while I'm gone." Francis winked at Arthur as he sashayed out of the room.

"Oh, fuck off," said Arthur, laughing a little even as he said it.

"About the Panda Hero, I think I know," said Ivan. "As creepy as Alfred's hero worship is to us who know him-"

"Hey!"

"-the Panda Hero works under cover of darkness, and enjoyed being appreciated."

That was a fair assessment, Arthur thought. Everyone liked to be appreciated.

"What the Panda Hero really wants is attention. He is a little bit of a… drama queen? That is the right expression?" Ivan asked.

Oh, hold on.

"You know exactly what the right expression is, stop playing your accent up," Alfred accused. "Why do you even do that?"

"Because you enjoy it so much, Fredka," said Ivan innocently.

"Noooooo! Please don't give me a pet name!" Alfred wailed.

"Slishkom Pozdno, Fredka!" Ivan doubled over laughing.

"Stop that!"

"Uh, Ivan," Arthur interrupted them before the inevitable fight broke out. "What did you mean by drama queen?"

"Well, when I saw him, he said to me 'terribly sorry old chap'," Ivan answered, the clichéd English sounding ridiculous in his Russian accent. "Nobody talks like that."

"I'm sure some people talk like that," said Arthur.

Ivan thought for a moment. "No, they don't."

"Francis does it all the time!" Arthur protested. "Every third word he says is French!"

"I don't think Francis is really the best example of normal behaviour," Yao said.

"I don't really speak French, so I can't be sure, but I think Francis once called me a cauliflower," said Alfred.

"Intended as the highest praise, I assure you, mon chapeau formidable," Francis said, ruffling Alfred's hair as he came back into the room, choosing to lean against the side of the sofa instead of sitting back down. Arthur's eyes narrowed in suspicion as he spotted one of Francis' hands was held awkwardly behind his back.

"Awwww, Francis, that's sweet." Alfred grinned goofily.

"Alfred, that's not real. He just called you a hat." Arthur seriously worried about that boy sometimes.

"What kind of hat?" Alfred mused.

"I- what? That's not the point!"

"I disagree. What kind of hat am I, Francis?" Alfred turned to ask him.

"Only the douchiest of snapbacks could match you, Alfred Jones," Francis assured him.

"That works. Sweet." Alfred sat back, the most important question of the afternoon, in his opinion, already having been answered.

"Controversially, Arthur, you are a bowler hat, not a top hat," Francis continued.

"I literally don't care at all-"

"But enough about that, look what I found when I was looking through Arthur's room!"

"My what?!" Arthur shrieked, his heart sinking as Francis brought what he'd been hiding behind his back out in front of him, and he recognised a certain green stuffed rabbit (who of course moonlighted as a hero consultant, but he was very good at pretending).

"Oh hey, he's cute," Alfred said. "What is it?"

Yao's eyes had gone very wide.

"It's a rabbit, but it's got wings, let me see that…" Alfred held a hand out for the toy, but Yao snatched it as soon as Francis held it out, cuddling it close to his chest, looking more content than any of them had seen him before.

"I just really like cute things," he whispered, sounding almost choked up.

"That's, uh," Arthur began. "That's Flying Mint Bunny, I got him on holiday in Wales, er… are you not going to make fun of me?"

"Why?" Alfred said absently. "Let me have him Yao, I want to see his little wings."

"No."

"You should trust us more," said Francis to Arthur, as Yao fought off Alfred's swipes for Flying Mint Bunny. "I don't know what kind of friends you had back home, but none of us would mock you for something like this. We came here today because we were worried about you. We care about you, okay? Please don't be afraid to open up."

Yao pushed Alfred off the sofa. Ivan applauded.

"What," Arthur snorted. "Did you bring my stuffed animal down here to make some sort of point about the magical power of friendship and trust? Doesn't seem like you, Francis."

"No, I just thought you'd look cute when you blushed." Francis chuckled. "Oh, hey, there it is again!"

"S-shut up!" Arthur protested, shoving Francis away while trying to cover his now bright red cheeks.

"Aha!" Alfred shouted in triumph, breathing hard as he held up his prize, Flying Mint Bunny. Yao, defeated, glared at him from the corner of the sofa.

"I win!"

"Win what?" asked Ivan. It was a good question.

"Well, I… just…" his sentence trailing off into nothing, Alfred slowly lowered Mint Bunny, down to his side, his eyes growing more and more unfocused.

"Alfred?" Francis asked tentatively.

Mint Bunny fell from his slack grip.

"What's he doing?" Yao said, picking Mint Bunny up off the floor and dusting him off.

"He is playing a silly game, no?" Ivan said.

"I… I will…" Alfred muttered, his eyelids fluttering.

"Alfred!" Arthur yelled, alarmed, reaching for Alfred as he suddenly listed alarmingly to the side.

"I will!" Alfred shouted, becoming alert again just in time to throw an arm out to save himself. He sat back down on the sofa with a sigh of relief.

"Alfred?" Arthur asked cautiously. "What was that about?"

"Mmm? What was what about?" Alfred answered distractedly, totally lost in thought. He was looking down at his hands, his brow lightly furrowed.

"You know," Arthur prompted. "I will..? Will what?"

"That?" Alfred shook his head as if to shake off a train of thought. "Oh, that was nothing." He laughed, and put on his biggest, brightest grin.

"Are you sure?" Arthur asked sceptically.

"You sounded like a maniac," Ivan added.

"Yeah, sure, totally fine. Loving the weird bird-rabbit, by the way, Arthur," Alfred said, trying to change the subject.

"Don't call him weird!" Yao said, outraged.

"Don't even try it!" Arthur said. "You were having some kind of psychic episode or something!"

"Yeah, I'm totally psychic," Alfred drawled. "That's why I got an A on that test last week. You got me." He paused and pretended to think for a moment. "Oh wait, that was you! Maybe you're psychic, huh? Check and mate!"

Arthur sighed. "No, Alfred, I just studied."

"Haha, nerd!"

"Oh, so working hard and caring about my future makes me a nerd, does it?"

"Yah, a loser nerd."

Alfred smiled to himself as Arthur began berating him for his lax attitude to education. Subject changed subtly and skilfully, even if he said so himself. Arthur loved lecturing him more than anything. Now he just had to keep it changed for the next couple of hours until they all left for home. Shouldn't be too hard. If all else failed, he could just bring up the thing about the hats again.

Even Arthur's mother had noticed how much better a mood he was in after that surprise visit from his friends. He couldn't tell her why, of course, as all five of them should've been in class, but it wasn't too hard to pretend it was because of a good grade. He didn't think she was listening all that well anyway.

The thought of his nightly patrol would've filled him with dread that morning, but he could even face that with a smile now, thinking of how Alfred, his number one fan, might search the next morning's news for any sign of his exploits. The shoulder wouldn't be too bad, he'd just pop a couple of painkillers. Refreshed after a good night's sleep, thrilled by the idea of admiration, he was feeling the kind of excitement about the job he hadn't felt since he first got his powers. He felt like a hero again, rather than a bumbling idiot throwing himself into danger for the sake of it.

"Sorry about that earlier, Mint," he said to his guide, who was being uncharacteristically silent, as he suited up for the night. "Hope they weren't too much bother; especially Alfred." He chuckled, shaking his head. "I don't know what was going on with him today."

"It's him," Flying Mint Bunny said suddenly. Arthur froze.

"What do you mean?" He asked, after a moment.

"It's him, Arthur," Mint said, growing steadily more excited. "He's the one we've been looking for. He's a Panda Hero."

"Alfred is?"

"Yes! I can't believe our luck! Right here under our noses!"

"My Alfred?"

"Yes!"

"How did you… I mean, how can you tell?"

"I could feel it!"

Arthur sighed. He'd been hoping for a more expansive answer than that, but vagueness wasn't out of character for Mint at all.

"Look," he said, "are you sure? It seems unlikely, is all. We've been searching for four months and it was him all along? What are the chances of that?"

"Don't you see?" Mint said excitedly. "It's destiny, England!"

"Destiny?" Arthur scoffed. "Don't give me that."

"You have superpowers, England, why would you draw the line at destiny?"

"I dunno… it's embarrassing…"

Mint laughed. "You're funny. Won't it be fun to work with another Panda Hero? You're always talking about how tired you get."

"I suppose…"

Arthur thought about it. It would be fun. Alfred would love being a superhero more than anything. Sharing the workload, fighting the bad guys together, it sounded like it would be fun – that is, if he ignored the little part of him crying out that the Panda Hero was his thing, and he didn't want Alfred upstaging him. That was just ungrateful; he could really do with the company. The hero gig could be lonely.

"Okay, let's do it."

"Huh? Do what?" He'd startled Mint.

"He's coming with us tonight, Mint. Let's put him through his paces before we tell him the truth, see if he could handle the lifestyle." The more he thought about it, the better the idea seemed. He could show Alfred the ropes, they could bond; it'd all be a great laugh.

"Are you sure you don't just want to show off to him?" Mint asked sceptically.

"Shut up."

Will you be my hero?

Alfred, too distracted by mulling over the mystery voice to even think about picking up a comic, was lying in bed, staring up at the ceiling. He was supposed to be asleep, but that was nothing new. Instead, he was wracking his brains, trying to think of where he'd heard that voice before. It had been hauntingly familiar, almost like he'd heard it every day of his life, and yet strangely generic at the same time. Who was she? Why did he keep hearing her? And what on earth had compelled him to say yes to her?

I will.

Will what? What had he been thinking, making promises he might not be able to keep? When you used the word hero, you could get him to do anything, it seemed. When you started hearing voices, you shouldn't promise to do things for them. It was just common sense.

Alfred sighed, and shifted in his bed so he was lying on his side, facing the wall. He'd never had a lot of common sense. His parents said it, Arthur said it, Mr Beilschmidt said it after he broke his nose that one time. He should probably just go to sleep, and worry about it all later. He shut his eyes and relaxed, his breathing getting slower and deeper, until suddenly he was hit with a realisation and his eyes snapped back open again. Of course! He'd heard her voice last night, in that dream! He couldn't remember much of it, but that was the voice he'd heard just before he woke up. He felt relieved for a moment, but then he remembered that hearing voices from your dreams during the day was not really a good thing. He groaned out loud. Maybe Arthur was right to be worried…

At that moment, he heard a tapping at his window, shaking him out of his thoughts. He considered getting out of bed to check on it, but decided against it. It was cold, and besides, it was probably the tree branches tapping against the window in the wind.

It came again, more insistent this time, and Alfred remembered that there were no tree branches within easy reach of his bedroom window. He sat up in bed.

There, perched on the windowsill, tapping at the glass with a sheepish expression on his face, was the Panda Hero. Alfred's brow furrowed in confusion, and he got up to let him in, tensing as the cold air hit his blanket-warm body. He gestured to the Panda Hero to get down from the windowsill, but it took a couple of tries for him to get that across. Finally, he turned the handle and pushed the window open.

"Uh, hi," said the Panda Hero.

"The window opens outwards," was all Alfred could think to say.

"Oh, so that was what you meant," the Panda Hero said. They stood in awkward silence for a moment, before Alfred's brain kicked in.

"It's cold out, did you want to come inside?" Alfred gestured to his bedroom behind him, a gracious host indeed. "It was England, right?"

England nodded. He leapt back up onto the sill, lightly, like a cat, and then stepped through into Alfred's bedroom. He stood there stiffly in the middle of the room, gazing around idly at the piles of comics and clothes, his arms folded across his chest, his fingers drumming against his bicep every so often, as if with the repressed urge to start tidying up.

"Uhhh…" Alfred began. "I know this looks bad, but I keep those comics like that for a reason. The clothes, I've got no excuse for – I haven't seen my batman shirt for weeks – but these are in order. See here, this is All New X-men issue number 22, and that's next to Guardians of the Galaxy issue 5, because the Guardians are-"

"Alfred," Arthur said rather abruptly, interrupting Alfred's rambling.

"Yeah?"

"Would you, by any chance, like to stop a robbery with me?"

Tell me what kind of hat you think you are in the comments