"Listen to this…it says when he was finally able to get a hold of 911, he had already had four ribs broken, and a dislocated knee. When the two paramedics showed up, because of the writing on the wall calling him a fag and a princess, they took turns…Jesus Christ. Did you know these scum bags?" I gently shook my head trying not to think about everything Kendall was saying, but it was hard. "Did you work that night?" I again shock my head and turned it toward shim. We were sitting on our couch, him on his laptop, me watching highlights on Sports Center. His legs were laid out over my lap, occasionally digging into my thighs. While I stared at him, as he locked on the screen on of his computer.

"Why are you looking at that?" He glanced up at me and frowned closing his laptop. He set it on the ground, carefully and stretched his back, yawning. "So…is he gonna be a good fit?" I hated asking the question. I hated even thinking about him. But because he won't call me, or answer my texts, talking to my boyfriend about the guy I'm having an affair with is the next best thing.

"I think so. He seems a bit sheltered. But that's understandable." I nodded softly, turning back to the TV and felt him move around next to me on our love sit. My left arm was raised and quickly his warm long, lean body was up against mine, holding onto me. "I think Carlos likes him…they were gonna go get a drink after work tonight. They would be super cute. And Logan is an improvement over Carlos's last idiot boyfriend." I clenched my fists, just thinking about Logan with anyone else, but remained quiet and calm. "Oh also…remember how I asked you months ago to re paint that closed off back room, and you said to let a professional do it? Yeah Logan said it's probably best I waited because all of it has to come down, and re sanded…it's going to cost more than I wanted but I really want that room to be in use." I nodded slowly, rubbing over his hip. "I can't wait for it to be finished." I quietly hummed a response, making him push up off me and stare at me. I turned to him and smiled small but he shook his head. "You're really quiet tonight. What's going on?" I laughed shaking my head and sunk in my seat. "James…seriously. What's wrong?"

"Nothing babe. Just tired." He frowned pushing back into me and kissed me softly. I closed my eyes moving both my hands ot his body and pulled on him. Except he pulled back and jumped off the couch

"I know! Let's go out to night! Y9ou have the next three days off so we can go get wasted!" He hurried past me already pulling off the sweater on his body, which was mine, and hurried to the stairs. I groaned quietly, quickly pulling my phone out of my sweat pant pocket. There was a message, a short one, from Logan that made me feel horrible. "Don't bother coming to see me. Carlos is a great guy." I stood up fast, shoved my phone in my pocket and made my way to the master bedroom.

Kendall was standing in front of our shared closet, shirtless and only in a pair of black boxers. He had his hand son his ships and was quietly humming to himself. I walked right up behind him, turned him fast and shoved into him. I kissed him hard and rough, making him stumble back. I grabbed around his back, while he held around my neck and moaned into my lips. We ran into the clothes hanging on the hangers but I forcefully shoved them out of the way. I moved both my hands down to his thighs and licked him up pushing him up against the wall. His hands went to my face and pushed me back, gasping for air. He opened his mouth to talk but I shook my head, pinching his butt. "I don't want to go out tonight. I want to stay home and cuddle. We'll go out tomorrow night." He smiled but closed his eyes and nodded. "And lucky for me, your already half naked." He put his head back and shrugged slightly. When he lowered his head back down and smiled at me, running his fingers through my hair on the back of my head, that guilt and that horrible pain I felt every now and then hit me. I gently set him back on his feet and took a small step back. "Kendall…there's something I need to tell you." He chuckled walking into me and nodded kissing along my chin, and jaw. I closed my eyes tight and tried to force the words out.

"Do you think it can wait?" He slowly walked around me and out of the closet, forcing me to open my eyes, and once again, shove my confession to the back of my head, for another time. Again.

I can't really complain, I guess, because I'm getting sex from two different guys who are very, very generous lovers. But sometimes, when I'm with one, Like with Kendall right now, I have an urgency to feel Logan. And when I'm with Logan, I'll want to feel Kendall's long legs wrap around my body. I've become greedy in this sense. When I'm with one, I want the other. And although they are nothing alike, especially in the bed department, one of them is not better than the other. Kendall…Kendall likes to take control most of the time. I can top all I want, but he was what I like to call a power bottom. And I fucking love it. After he left me in the closet, I hurried out to him. He was already completely nude on the bed, waiting for me. It didn't take long to get myself undressed, and get a condom on, but once I entered him, I went as slow as I could. I loved looking into his bright green eyes, and hearing him moan, and I wanted it to last as long as I could possibly make it. However, much like every other single time we've had sex, Kendall took control, pushed me on my back, climbed on and did most of the work. We came at the same time, and only after a few minutes of having sex. He collapsed on me and then he was asleep. Just like every single time we have sex.

I lay awake, thinking about the situation I am in. I wanted to tell Kendall. I wanted to confess to him that I loved another man. Most importantly I wanted to tell him, it didn't mean I loved him less. I just didn't know how to get those words out. Logan was expecting me to just be able to do it, but it's a lot harder than it seems. I've given Kendall almost 8 years of my life. How could I just, end that?

I was almost asleep, with Kendall curled up against me, sound asleep when my phone went off. I got out of bed slowly and quietly, but the ringing woke Kendall. I grabbed my sweats off the floor and pulled them on grabbing my phone out of the pocket. I was expecting it to be Logan, but got disappointed seeing Carlos's number. "It's okay babe. Just Carlos. Go back to sleep." Kendall nodded yawning, rolling onto his back, stretching out. I answered the phone quick and grabbed a sweater as I walked out of the room. "Hello?"

"Hey!" I pulled the phone away from my ear hearing a loud bass beat in the background and Carlo's screaming voice. "I know you worked like a 12 hour shift, and you were probably asleep, but I really need a ride home! I'm kind of shit faced right now." I rolled my eyes walking to the front door and slipped on some shoes. I shoved my wallet in my pocket along with my car keys and sighed out. I walked out of the house, making sure it was locked up behind me and headed to my car.

"Yeah I'm leaving right now. Where are you?"

"You know that bar that's…uhm…shit. Oh we're over by the river. That bar right next to the movie theater." I frowned getting in my car and shivered, regretting my coat. Minnesota at 1 in the morning. 15 degrees out.

"Who are you with…" I paused slamming my door shut and felt my head spin. He was out with Logan. I put my head back groaning and tried to think of an excuse not to go. I don't think I could face Logan right now. It killed me to see him at the bakery today, and was even worse to pretend I didn't know him. And then to get the text that he didn't want to see me…this wasn't going to be easy.

"We'll be out front!" Carlos hung up fast, and is wallowed hard throwing my phone into the passenger seat of my car.

I drove as slow as I could through town, trying to avoid getting in an accident. I was also delaying seeing Logan for as long as I could, but it was becoming inevitable. When I finally did get to the bar, I wasn't surprised to see a parade of girls in skimpy outfits, and guys stumbling over themselves, no doubt to get those girls home with them. I frowned, irritated not seeing Carlos or Logan out front and parked right in front of the bar, in a red zone. I went to grab my phone and opened my door, but I spotted them. They were sitting on a bench, right next to the bridge over the river, close together. Logan, who looke3d the cutest I've ever seen, had his legs on Carlos's lap and one arm in Carlos's jacket. His other hand was holding a cup of steaming coffee. Their faces were so close together, you couldn't tell whose breath was whose. I swallowed hard watching Carlos set a hand on Logan's knee, making Logan squirm and shove a this chest. I closed my door fast and quickly dialed Carlos's number. I watched as he quickly pulled his phone out of his black jacket and put it too his ear. "I'm right out front." I watched him scan the area quickly and then smile big, nodding over to my car. I hung up fast seeing Logan look towards me, and glanced out my window shoving both my hands in my pockets.

I avoided looking at both of them as they stumbled into the back of my car. Because I know both of them fairly well, I could tell Carlos had, had a little too much to drink. He was super giggly, and didn't even seemed fazed that he was in a new place. As I drove away fort eh curb I looked into the rear view mirror and saw Carlos now leaned into Logan's ear, whispering something. Logan put his head back, obviously intoxicated, and giggled shoving harder into Carlos. I cringed and cautiously merged into traffic, and ignored the yuck fest in the back seat of my car.

I purposely drove to Carlos's apartment first so Logan and I could talk. Even though both of them are drunk off their asses, Logan isn't the type of guy to sleep with someone on the first night. Especially if I have anything to say about it. When I did get to his place I parked in his usual spot and turned the car off. I glanced back into the back seat and saw I was being watched by Logan. Carlos was, of course passed out on Logan,, who didn't really seem to mind. I sighed taking off my seatbelt and got out of the car, walking around to Carlos's side. Logan had bother their seatbelts off and was gently shaking Carlos. I opened his door and reached in, grabbing him. I picked up out of my car and put one of his arms around my neck, as I carried him up to his apartment. I heard Logan behind us, shutting the doors, and hurrying after us, and turned when we were in front of Carlos's door. "Will you grab his keys?" Logan only nodded and reached in Carlos's jean pocket, pulling out his keys. He handed them softly to me and I quickly unlocked his house. When we walked in, we were first bombarded by Carlo's German Shepard, Max, but I shushed him and carried Carlos to his room. I heard the front door shut, but quickly walked Carlos into his room. I slowly walked to the bed, and pulled back the covers. I gently put Carlos down, and turned on the light by his bed. I pulled his shoes off, but left him dressed, and put him under the covers. I walked to his desk, grabbing a piece of paper for the printer, and a pen. I wrote Carlos a note, explaining I drove him home, and took home Logan, and to call me in the morning so we can pick up his car if he wants. I put the note on the nightstand by his bed and quickly walked into his bathroom grabbing some Advil, and filled a glass with water. I walked back to his room and set the pills and water by the note, and turned off the light.

I walked back out to the living room, where Logan was standing awkwardly by the front door. Well, he wasn't really standing. He was leaning against the door, hands shoved into the pockets of his coat, shivering slightly. We locked eyes for just a second before I cleared my throat and pulled my keys out. "Let's get you home." He nodded pushing off the door and turned to it. I held it open for him as he walked out and I shut it behind me. We got back in my car, except he sat up front with me. Like many times before, when we would go on private dates. Except we didn't hold hands, we weren't talking and the cold weather wasn't what built the ice wall up between us. Neither of us wanted to be near the other. At least that's how it felt. I wanted to hold him and make him warm, and kiss his red nose and rosy cheeks, but he would probably hit me. And I was honestly starting to consider confessing everything to Kendall, and being close to him was bad already.

We got to his apartment, and as soon as he got out, I did too. He was still drunk and there was ice everywhere on the ground. I would at least walk him up to his door, and make sure he got in safety. When he stepped onto the sidewalk, thankfully I was behind him because he almost fell back. I caught around him and pulled him back up. His hands went on my arms and he put his head back groaning. "I took too many shots." I smiled small letting him turn in my arms and lay his head on my shoulder.

"Carlos only knows one speed when he drinks." He chuckled snuggling up against my neck, and I carefully walked us to the stairs. "DO you think you can walk up? Or do you want me to carry you?" He groaned, making me believe he could barely stand, so I scooped him up. He wrapped his arms around my neck and sighed out, shivering again. "Loges…I'm sorry about today. At the bakery."

"Just shut up James. Don't ruin this." I rolled my eyes carefully stepping off the last step and reached in his pocket on his coat and pulled out his keys. "This isn't fair to Kendall. Or Carlos now."

"You just met Carlos. I can't believe you care about him that much." I shoved his door open hard, and walked in, closing the door with my foot. It slammed shut, and as soon as it did, Logan dropped out of my arms and shoved me away.

"I can't believe I still care about you, you prick!" He forcefully tugged off his jacket and threw it to the couch, stumbling to his kitchen. "How could I have let someone like you make me do something as stupid as sleep with a guy whose taken?!"

"Hey I didn't force you into this! You wanted this just as much as I did!" I walked out to him and watched him take out a bottle of orange juice. "We could have walked away at any time! And your guilty conscience wouldn't be catching up to you, if you weren't working for him!" He slammed the bottle on the counter and turned to me. "Face it Logan! Before you met him, you were begging me to leave him…dump him and break his heart! And now that you meet him you expect me to feel guilty? Guess what babe?! I already do! Every time I'm with him I'm thinking of you! And every time I tell him I love him, I question whether it's real, or just out of pity! And that's your fault!" He looked away wiping at his nose and shook his head. "Did you think this was going to be easy? Did you honestly think that the longer we stayed together, the easier it would be for both of us to forget about who were hurting?" He squeezed his eyes shut and cried out quietly. I took a step back and breathed out hard running a hand through my hair. "I don't think…I can't do this Kendall anymore Logan. I can't…"

"Don't say it!" He turned to me and pointed an accusing finger at me. "Don't you dare tell me you can't be with me anymore! Because it's not fair!" I frowned slouching and he stepped towards me. "Why does he get more of your heart?! Why do you care more about not hurting him, than me? Do you think I like being the other guy? DO you think I liked looking hi in the eyes and not telling him everything?" He walked to me and shoved me hard by my chest. "Why do you love him more than me?! What can I do to have you?" He went to shove at me again, but I grabbed his arms and forced them down at his sides. "Let me go! Why don't you go back to him James, and just leave me the hell alone!" He tried to yank out of my grasp, but I was too strong for his drunk movements. Instead I pulled him into my chest and walked us backwards. I hit a wall and while he continued to fight me, I slid us down the wall. He clutched onto my sweater as we hit the floor and cried, openly and loudly on my chest. I held around him, pressing my lips into his head and closed my eyes.

His cries were pathetic, and heartbreaking all at the same time. I felt guilty…for my boyfriend and for the man I let in my heart, without the intention of actually taking care of him. I hated hearing him ry. I hated feeling his tears on me. Only because I was the cause of them. I would much, much rather be hit by a semi right now. And then set on fire. At least that pain wouldn't be self-inflicted.