If you wake up, and remember our fight, I'm sorry. If you wake up and don't remember our fight…I'm still sorry. I've come to terms with the man I've become. You deserve better. Kendall deserves better. I'm going to do something about this. I promise you. I will always love you Logan. Please don't ever forget that.
I groaned falling back on my bed, James's note in hand and rubbed my left eye, stifling a yawn. I didn't remember anything from last night…except that at one point during our night, Carlos kissed me. And I loved it. I've never been one to think piercings, or tattoos are attractive, or sexy by any means. But…when I started to talk to Carlos, and I got to find out what kind of guy he actually was, the tattoo's and piercings, made him 1000 times more attractive. For the first time in a long time, there was a guy, who liked me, and I liked, that could get my mind off James. And when Carlos leaned into me, in that dark hallway after I went to the bathroom, and kissed me…I was set on fire. He held my right side gently, on my hip wheel his other hand held my neck. Our lips touched and for a minute his lip piercing kind of weirded me out. But it went away fast when he bit at my bottom lip. For a moment it was just him and I. But when he pulled away, asking if it was okay that he kissed me, reality smacked me in the face. And then…everything is kind of fuzzy.
I sat up fast and regretted it immediately. My stomach turned and I felt like throwing up. But I didn't actually barf. I just sat in misery, clutching onto my stomach. I really wanted to remember if anything ore happened between Carlos and I, but I also wanted to know what James and I fought about. Well…If I'm being honest…I really just want an ice cold glass of water and maybe a bowl of fresh fruit. The thought of food made my stomach grow and forced me to slip off my bed. I threw James note onto my bed behind me and walked out of my room slowly, trying to regain some strength. Just as I walked out of my kitchen I could eh army peon ringing. Knowing my luck, it would be James. SO I let it ring. Also I had no idea where it actually was. SO I walked out into my kitchen flipping on the light and frowned. There was a bottle of OJ on the counter, opened, but with no glass around it. One of my worst bad habits when I'm drunk is drinking for cartons, and bottles instead of getting glasses. I ignored the OJ for now and walked to the fridge, grabbing my Britta pitcher, and yawned loudly. Just I had grabbed a big tall glass, there were three soft knocks on my front door, definitely leading me to believe it was James. I groaned putting my cup down and set the pitcher down right next to it. I walked out slowly and lazily to my front door and braced myself for a fight with James.
Except it wasn't James standing on my doorstep looking like an Eskimo. It was Carlos. I frowned, but moved out of the way quick, so he could get out of the cold. He walked in quick and gently handed me a large foam cup. I took it, grateful for the warmth and closed my door. "Carlos…hey." He pushed a hood off his head and then pulled off a beanie. He smiled at me, but it fell fast. He didn't look very good. Maybe he was trying to get over a bad hangover like me. "What…"
"I tried calling you. I first, wanted to make sure you were doing alright. I forget, when I'm out with people, not everyone drinks like I do." I smiled blushing and looked down at my cup in my hands. "Also…I got into work this morning to find no one else there. So I called Kendall." I looked up slowly and we locked eyes. He looked near tears. I quickly set my cup on the small bookcase behind me and walked right up to him.
"Carlos…what's going on?" He closed his eyes and put his head down breathing out shakily.
"Kendall's been at the hospital all morning. I guess last night…I don't know if you remember but I called Kendall's boyfriend, James, to pick us up. He dropped you off here, and me off at my place. And then he went home. But…" He paused and looked up at me, shaking his head. "Kendall woke up at about 2 and heard water running in the bathroom. He went in…he found James in the bathtub with his wrists slit." My mouth parted slightly as my entire world came crashing down on me. "He left Kendall a suicide note. He told him he's been having an affair, and couldn't face the decision to leave Kendall to be with this other guy." I closed my eyes and tried to keep my breathing normal and my heart under control. Not that Carlos would know, but I was getting this horrible pit in my stomach, that it was my fault. "I want to go see him, ya know? Because he's okay. He didn't die. That would have just…destroyed Kendall. But I didn't think…I don't think I can go alone. And I know we have only known each other for a day. I don't want you to think I'm getting all obsessive and weird on you I just…I don't really have a lot of close friends, and with what happened between the two of us last night I just…really wanted you there with me." I opened my eyes slowly and surprised myself at how strong I was being. I wasn't crying and I wasn't freaking out about the fact that James could have killed himself. Instead, I took the final tiny step towards Carlos, making us nose to nose and grabbed his free hand. He looked right up at me, again, us locking eyes and swallowed hard. With my free hand, I reached up grabbing his neck and held him gently as I kissed his lips softly. He let go of my hand fast and moved it to the small of my back, pulling em even closer in to him. I squeezed my eyes shut and let him take complete control of our kiss. I honestly didn't mind. But he didn't let it last for very long. He pulled away putting his forehead on mine and dug his fingers into my back. I moved my other hand up to his neck and held him gently sighing out.
"Let's go see your friends Carlos." He nodded closing his eyes and I kissed him one last time, softly on the lips, getting a soft kiss back.
We drove quietly, softly holding each other's hands. I drove, not wanting him to be too upset to drive in the snow, and grabbed his hand, squeezing it every now and then. When we got to the hospital, he walked tall and strong, leading me down the many hallways. I kept a strong hold of his hand, ignoring the rude stares and stupid whispering. Up until the point of standing in front of the halfway closed door, I was strong. But knowing I was about to come face to face with James…knowing he would rather take his own life than face up to his life, and his decisions…made me sad and a little bit angry. When Carlos took a step to grab the handle I grabbed his shoulder and swallowed hard. He glanced back frowning and I shrugged, blushing. "Maybe I should wait. I don't really know them that well Carlos." He smiled small and kissed my forehead before pulling back.
"You don't know me that well either." I frowned and he chuckled brushing snow off my shoulder. Or I assumed. "I'm not gonna force you to go in but…I would love it. And I think all the support James and Kendall could get right now, would be good." I sighed out and thought about it for a minute before nodding softly.
Carlos pushed the door open softly and we walked into a dimly lit room with the soft light of a TV up in the corner, giving the only light. The volume was on low, probably because someone was asleep in the room. But when the door shut softly behind me, I was surprised to see who was and wasn't asleep. James was sitting up in a abed, a hospital gown on, legs crossed, one hand holding a TV remote. ON a small cot next to James bed, Kendall was passed out, curled in a ball, under a heavy looking blanket. Once that door shut, James turned to us, and quickly sat up straight. Carlos let my hand go and quickly walked over to the bed. He put one hand behind James head and pulled him in roughly, hugging him tight. James closed his eyes and hugged around Carlos, but the wraps on his arms made my stomach turn and I looked down wrapping my own arms around my body. "How you doing James?" I swallowed hard seeing movement coming from the cot five feet from me, and looked up at it. Kendall slowly pushed himself up into a sitting position kicking the blankets off his body. He first looked at me, and then turned to look at Carlos and James. He rubbed his eyes, yawning, and got off the cot stretching. He grabbed a sweater form the back of a chair in the corner and slipped it on walking to the other side of James bed. James and Carlos were still hugging each other, but Kendall patted Carlos's back and kissed the side of James's head. I turned away fast clenching my fists and wished I hadn't agreed to come with Carlos.
"I'm gonna go grab some coffee. You guys want anything?" I lowered my arms and shoved my hands into the pockets of my jeans. I saw in the corner of my eye Carlos sit on the James bed and shake his head softly to Kendall. "I'll be back." When Kendall walked around the bed and headed towards me, he stopped. I tensed up, imagining him hitting me because, although I'm not sure how he would, it felt like he knew it was me. "Logan…do you want to come with me?" I straightened up completely and looked to James and Carlos who were both talking quietly and I nodded looking back to Kendall.
We walked in silence towards the cafeteria, heads down, hand sin our pockets. I didn't even know where to begin. Do I come clean? Tell him I've been fucking his boyfriend? The reason he almost killed himself was my fault? How do I even start to explain myself? DO I even need to? I pondered the thought, wondering if I should wait for Kendall to say something and silently stood next to him as he grabbed a bottle of water and asked for two hot chocolates. He put a ten dollar bill in the tip jar and handed me a cup of hot chocolate. He led me to a quiet corner with a huge window looking out at the busy street below us. I sat down across from him and unzipped my black jacket, watching his every move. He pushed up the sleeves on his sweater and yawned running his hands up and down his face. When he lowered his hands he grabbed his cup of hot chocolate and took a gulp, before setting it back down and looking at me. "I've been suspicious for a while. About James cheating." He chuckled looking out the window and I too, glanced out. "He wasn't very good and hiding it. One minute he's telling e he loves e and the next he gets a text and has to leave. I knew for a while now…a few months, maybe even the past year, but I pushed it all aside. I covered it all up with this idea he was happy with me. That hopefully one day, he'd leave the other guy behind and it would be just him and I, like before. I was naïve, I'll admit, but I'm hopelessly in love with the guy." He laughed quietly this time making me turn to him and he set back crossing his arms over his chest. "Well…was hopelessly in love with him. I know it will seem cruel dumping him in the hospital right after he tried to kill himself but I am so angry I can't even fucking see straight. I thought we were in love. I thought it was him and I against the world. Instead it was him and I, and some home wrecker, against the world." We locked eyes, and for a split second, I got up the courage to tell him the truth. But he continued talking. "I'm almost tempted to go through his phone, find a number that calls a lot, and call him, and tell him to come take care of the prick but…that stupid thing in my chest hurts so bad knowing James could have died. All because he's not man enough to face the consequences of his actions." I sat back in my chair and gently played with my hand sin my lap looking back out the window again. "I'm sorry Logan. You don't need to hear all this shit." I smiled small and shrugged.
"I don't mind Kendall. I was a little hesitant when Carlos asked me to come because I don't really know you or James. Especially James." I looked over at his face and shrugged again. "We aren't just business associates Kendall. I'm from a huge family…when one of us is down, everyone helps to pick them up. Yesterday you reminded me of my family down In Texas. You made me feel at home. So, if you need someone to talk to…to vent to, I'll be here. Especially because I'm a third party." He laughed quietly and nodded. "If you don't mind me asking…why did he want to…kill himself?" Kendall sat up opening his water and took a small sip, offering some to me. I greedily took it, remembering how much I wanted water this morning, when I woke up from my hangover.
"Well he told me in his letter that this guy he's been seeing…he really fell in love with him. And James fell in love with him. He got so wrapped up in this relationship, and eventually became addicted to this guy. Well this other guy…he asked James to make a choice. Him or me. I guess if James wasn't planning on killing himself, he was going to pick the other guy. But because, as he put it, he didn't want to hurt me…he tried to kill himself." I nodded softly, hoping I was looking sincere, but felt like hurling myself off the top of the hospital. "DO you think it's better to have loved and lost, instead of to have never loved at all?"
"I don't know…if I was in your shoes…I would have taken ignorance over the pain of knowing a man I loved and trusted, was so willingly to hurt and betray me. People don't say ignorance is bliss for nothing." Kendall slowly sat up grabbed his water taking another sip. "If your looking for support to dump James…I think you should hear him out first." He raised his eyebrows swallowing hard and then smiled.
"Come again? You want me to hear a guy out who's been fucking someone else behind my back?" I laughed sitting up and grabbed my cup.
"Kendall look at this way…you know you already don't want to be with him. He broke your heart…you're angry and you're pissed. Why not give yourself even more reason to be pissed and angry? Hearing why he did and why he never told you, will just give you more validity to doin the right thing." He slowly sat back and looked like I just explained the truth Alien abductions. Before he could answer me, someone stood at the end of our table, making both of us look up. I smiled immediately looking at Carlos who walked behind Kendall chair and took the seat next to him. He took the water on the table and drank the rest of it, swallowing hard. "You okay?" He smiled big at me handing the empty bottle to Kendall who was glancing between the two of us, smiling slyly. Carlos glanced over at him and rolled his eyes sitting back.
"Did something happen last night?" My cheeks turned red instantly but I looked to Carlos for him to seriously answer the question. "I didn't take you for a first day of knowing a guy, hook up kind of guy Los."
"I'm not. Nothing happened. I woke up alone." I leaned forward smiling like an idiot, happy to know Carlos wasn't going to lie about what didn't happen between us. "Although between you and I Kendall, this guy is cute as hell when he blushes." I blushed even harder and put my head down chuckling.
"Don't embarrass him idiot…you have my blessing to date my best friend if that's what this is going to turn into. But Logan?" I looked up quick and let my smile fade seeing Kendall standing. He finished off his hot chocolate and crushed the cup staring down at me, very serious like. "If you break his heart, I'll have to break your legs." I watched Kendall walk away from the table and toss his cup into the trash can as he went. I turned back to Carlos who looked irritated but smiled at me. I hated to think I had already broken Carlos's heart, without him even knowing.
I'm curious to know…where do you guys think this is going to go? What pairing do you think it will end up with? What would you guys like to see, based off this chapter? I would love to hear your insights.