"I'm sorry. I'll say it a thousand times, and I'll know you don't believe it, but I mean it. I'm sorry. I am…"
"Sorry. You've told me." The room dropped to a chilly 20 degrees once he spoke and it made me look down. I wasn't even worthy enough to look at him, let alone be in the same room as him. "Who is he? The man you've been with." I closed my eyes, putting my head in my hands and shook my head. "Come on James. What guy swept you off your feet? Probably some muscle bound jock, who has a tiny dick, but makes up for it by being a power bottom. That's your type right?" I squeezed my eyes tight and clenched my jaw, hard. "I'm sorry…the doctor said you shouldn't have any stress or…pain of any kind. I should just leave. You're not going to talk to me anyway." I looked up fast, just to watch Kendall stand up from his chair and pull on his sweater.
"What does it matter who it is?" He stopped and turned to me looking in disbelief.
"Are you serious? You think I shouldn't ask you any questions right now? You don't think I deserve to know why, or with who? After a year of you playing me…making me look like a complete fool, I don't have a right to know?!"
"It's just going to upset you Kendall! I don't want to do that anymore."
"Then why don't you kill yourself! That seems to be the best fucking response, right?" I laid back on my bed and turned away from him. "What…what could I have possibly done to you? How did I hurt you, to make you go to someone else? I…I loved you James. I was going to give you my entire life. I…was giving you my entire life. We moved in together, I let you flip my entire world upside down, and you…you just destroyed me." I slowly turned towards him and watched him walk to my bed slowly. He gently sat on the edge, as far away from me as he could get and wiped at his nose. He was crying. "My head…it's telling me to run and never look back. Because I deserve better. I deserve a man who will spend his every waking minute to worship the ground I step on. But my heart…it hurts so bad right now, not because I know you cheated but…" He looked to me and blinked out some tears shrugging. "Because my heart knows…you are the best I've ever had. From that very first day we met in my senior year of college, to this very moment, I've done nothing but love you. And unfortunately…for my pride any way, I don't think I'll ever stop loving you. But right now…" He closed his eyes and reached out for my left hand. I let him take it, and cringed when he squeezed it. "I can't be with you." I closed my eyes again, and put my head in my hand letting silent tears fall out. "I can't be with a man who tells me he loves me, just to leave me a minute later and tell another man the same thing. I'm strong enough, right now, to know that I need to be away from you, to know exactly what I want. If…if I can see my life in ten years and you're in it I'll…I'll come back to you. But right now I just need…space." A small sob slipped past my lips, and there was movement on my bed. My hand was let go of, and I thought for sure he was gone: it wouldn't surprise me. I don't even know why I was surprised he was dumping me. But when an arm wrapped around the back of my neck and pulled me into a slim warm body, my heart exploded. My arms, as sore as they were, wrapped around him as I shoved my face into his shoulder and sobbed out. A few of his fingers traced through my hair on the back of my head, which would usually make me sleepy, but they were gone just as quick as they got there. When he pulled away, I opened my eyes and watched him wipe his face as he walked away from my bed. He stopped at my door and breathed out shakily as he continued to cry. It looked like he was going to turn around to me but instead the door opened, and he walked out, leaving me completely alone.
If I didn't have pain killers pumping through my body, I wouldn't have fallen asleep. Sleep didn't seem necessary at the moment because I always took sleep as a reward for working hard, or having a fun active day. I didn't see my currant life as fun, or active, and I definitely didn't work hard. But the sleep came weather I wanted it or not. I probably cried myself to sleep, without knowing it. It hits you hard when you're left alone, with no one to comfort you. When your life hits you in the face, and you are all alone…things get put into perspective. Did I really think killing myself was the best option? At the time yes. Did I honestly think I would actually die? No. Was I hoping Kendall would find it in his heart to forgive me, just so I knew I hadn't fucked up too bad? With all my heart. Was I naive to think him or Logan for that matter would be around? Hell yes. Those were the thoughts running through my head, constantly as I slept. It didn't get better when I woke up.
There was a really cute, young looking male nurse by my bed looking at a machine beeping and while I sat myself up, he turned to me and smiled small. I smiled back and slowly took in my room. The sun was trying its hardest to come out through the clouds giving a little bit of morning glow in my room. The only thing new in my room, beside the sun, was a bouquet of flowers on the table at the end of my bed. I frowned seeing a note card, and tried to grab it, reaching as far as I could. The nurse quickly pushed me back and grabbed the note card handing it to me. I smiled at him again as he put a tray over my lap. "I hope you're hungry. I had the chef personally make you a meal fit for a king." I chuckled quietly as he put a plate full of scrambled eggs, sausage, and pancakes. I quickly scanned over the note card, feeling my heart break seeing Logan's handwriting. It didn't say his name, for obvious reason, but it did say he loved me. And he would see me soon. I gently set the notecard on my tray and grabbed a plastic spork. I frowned and looked at the nurse who was shaking his head as he poured me some OJ from a pitcher. "Our rules Mr. Diamond. Because of your circumstance, you aren't allowed to have anything sharp." I frowned again and raised the spork.
"The spork gets a bad name. It could be as sharp as it wants." He laughed, sincerely and looked me in the eyes. "You don't have to call me Mr. Diamond. My names James." I painfully raised my right hand and he looked down quick taking it with both his. He shook it softly before setting it on the bed, and kept a hand on mine.
"My name is Matthew. You can call me Matt. I've been taking care of you since last night." I smiled again and watched as he swallowed hard, and suddenly became nervous. He took his hand off mine and pulled a pen out from his scrub pants. "I need to get you some more medication. Eat up. It has to be taken with food. I'll be right back James." I nodded softly and watched him turn, but he stopped short. "I didn't know anyone was here…I'll get out of your way." He moved quick to the door that was already open, with Kendall and Carlos standing in it. I watched, with slight amusement as Kendall stared the guy down as he hurried out. Even when he left, Kendall watched from the door as Carlos walked in, holding a bottle of water.
"Hey buddy. I tried to bring you some of my world famous coffee but they wouldn't let me." I frowned to Carlos as he sat on the edge of my bed and swung his legs like a child. I turned to Kendall who slammed the door a little and walked to the other side of my bed, where Matt was just standing. He shoved his hands in his pockets and looked down at me, softening immensely. "How you feeling?" I turned back to Carlos and smiled shrugging, stabbing at my eggs.
"I slept all through the night. I'm in a little bit of pain but…"
"That young thing probably makes you feel pretty good." I stopped mid chew and looked up at Kendall who closed his eyes quick and swallowed hard. "Carlos can you give us a minute?" I gently set my spork down and watched Carlos sigh, but get up and walk out. Just like that. "DO you have to flirt with everyone that walks by with a cute face?"
"Well he doesn't have to be cute." Kendall opened his eyes fast and I shook my head. "You dumped me last night Kendall. What the hell are you doing? Are you seriously getting jealous over something you have no say in, anymore?"
"Just because…we broke up…" He paused and took his hands out of his pockets. He breathed out softly and put a hand on my arm. "Just because we broke up, doesn't mean I don't care about you any less. And seeing some young guy with a nice ass hitting on you, doesn't feel good James. And I'll calmly remind you, the reason I dumped you is because you were fucking someone behind my back."
"So you're pissed…but still get to claim me as your property? Don't' play with my emotions like that Kendall. I'm not stable enough to think there is a glimmer of hope I could have you back. I know I hurt you bad, and I deserve loosing you, but making me believe I could be with you again just seems cruel." He looked down and shuffled his feet. "And to be completely fair…he was hitting on me. Not the other way around." He laughed, for a second, before he went back to being serious and stared at me. I picked my spork back up and put a sausage link on it. I raised it to him and raised my eyebrows. He laughed again and moved in quick, biting off a chunk of the sausage. I put the rest in my mouth and sat back chewing slowly. As I looked down at my plate, my stomach growling, a hand ran through my hair making me look up fast. He bit his bottom lip and shook his head.
"You need to get your hair cut." I swallowed hard feeling like that wasn't what he wanted to say. He rested his hand on my neck for only a second before pulling back and clearing his throat. He shimmied out of his jacket and threw it to the end of my bed. He walked to the door and opened it. "You can come back in Carlos…oh hey Logan!" I felt the color drain from my face as Carlos walked in, holding Logan's hand as Logan handed a small note book to Kendall, who frowned. "What is this?" He shut the door softly, looking at Logan who followed Carlos to the side of my bed. I locked eyes with Logan who simply smiled small at me and looked away.
"It's a sketch of what I had in mind for your place. Carlos let me in early this morning and I sketched out what we've talked about…what you've shown me. I hope you like it." Kendall pulled a chair up to the side of my bed and set the notebook on my bed. He sighed out and opened it up to reveal a beautiful colored sketch of Kendall's bakery. I leaned in gently and smiled small, squinting.
"You managed to put everything in this Logan…everything I wanted even my wish list! Look…a wood burning oven! Carlos we can start making those amazing breakfast pizza's!" Kendall looked up and turned the notebook to Carlos who was too busy staring at Logan. Logan looked out of place, but also really comfortable. Probably because Carlos had a hand on his hip and was looking at him like he was already in love. Logan blushed and looked down between them poking his chest. "Carlos! Jesus dude…it's been like this since last night." I frowned to Kendall who also frowned and flipped the page in the notebook. "Well because of everything…I'm gonna close the shop down for the rest of the week. Which means we can really get in there and start re-doing everything! And I mean everything!" Logan chuckled, which warmed my heart and helped me go back to eating.
"Well before I start anything, I want to have a friend of mine come in. He checks for termites, asbestos…just routine checkup so we don't have to run into any surprises." Kendall nodded pulling his phone out and stood up slowly.
"Have him come in tomorrow if possible…I'm sorry I have to take this call. Excuse me." Kendall hurried out of the room, shutting the door hard behind him, making Carlos jump and turn to look back. Carlos frowned and turned to me, smiling big.
"Did Kendall chew you out again?"
"Don't I deserve it?" Carlos looked down but pulled Logan into him. Carlos kissed Logan's nose, which made Logan bush like crazy and look anywhere but at me.
"I'm gonna run to the bathroom and get some water. You want anything?" Logan shook his head fast and moved out of the way so Carlos could leave. As soon as the door shut, Logan rushed to me, threw his arms around my neck and pulled me in for a hug.
"What the hell were you thinking James?" I hugged him back as best as I could and closed my eyes. "How could you have been so stupid? What would I have done without you?"
"You would have had Carlos?" Logan pulled away fast and we stared each other down. "Did you let him fuck you?" My face was slapped hard, but as soon as it happened, I knew I deserved it. I closed my eyes turning my head away from him and tensed up. "I'm sorry."
"Me too." I opened my eyes and turned my head to him slowly. He covered his mouth with one hand as the other held around his stomach. "Your cheek is all red…"
"Don't worry about it. They'll just think I'm hot." He closed his eyes shaking his head and I licked my lips. "Last night…Kendall dumped me. He could barely look at me. I'm a piece of shit, I deserve worse, but…it made me realize something." He turned around showing me his back and I swallowed hard. "You and Kendall deserve more. Deserve better. I'm not right for you Logan. You always say I saved you. But it was the other way around. And now…all I've done is hurt you and a man I can't even imagine living without. I honestly thought this would be harder but seeing you with Carlos…I can tell he's crazy about you. Who would blame him?" I smiled small and heard him sniffle quietly.
"Are you dumping me?"
"Yeah…only because you deserve the best. You deserve to be treated like a king, and I can guarantee Carlos will treat you like a king." He slowly turned to me and wiped his eyes, looking relatively calm.
"We messed up didn't we?" I nodded and he sighed out wiping his face again. "We have to tell Kendall."
"I will…eventually. I promise. Just…not right now. Give em some time." He bit his bottom lip, but nodded, shoving his hands into his pockets. "I love you Logan. Always will."
"Yeah...I'm just not the guy you want." I smiled again and he shrugged. "It's not the first time I've heard that."
"But it will be the last. Carlos adores you. I can see it." He laughed gently sitting n the edge of my bed.
"Last night…before Kendall came to Carlos's place we…we had dinner. He was pretty upset about you. You're like his big brother James. SO I cooked for him. Turned the table…instead of him cooking it was me. We talked…we might have made out…it was…unlike anything else." I smiled to show my support, but it still hurt. Probably like how Kendal felt seeing that nurse flirt with me.
I wanted to tell him to ask me to choose him…like he had done some many times before. But I could see it in his eyes. He had moved on. I was alone. No one wanted me and to be honest…no one should want me. Doesn't mean it feels good. I was the living and breathing spork. I had my good qualities. No one would be able to eat in hospitals if it wasn't for me. But then again…there was always a fork, or a spoon just around the corner, who had every quality you could need. I would never be one guy with amazing attributes, and nothing less. I would always be the spork.