"You're an asshole! Do you really feel better now, jackass?!" I quietly closed the front door and swallowed hard hearing the shouting, and the slamming of things in the kitchen. I didn't want to go in there. Only because I just came from a quiet, calm, peaceful place. Somewhere I probably wouldn't be in a long time. Logan's place. I could tell he didn't want me there, and not because he hates me, but because…everything fell apart. Badly. It would be best if I didn't seem him right now. Driving him home, getting him in bed and telling him to call me for anything was the least I could do. It was bad enough to do that to him, but when he gave me the clothes Carlos lent him to give back to Carlos…I don't know. I felt even worse. But I took them, and drove all the way back home, just to hear Carlos and Kendall screaming at each other.
I walked out to the dining room and took a seat throwing my keys down on the table. Carlos who had his back turned to me turned and frowned. I gently threw his clothes and jacket to the floor by his feet and glared at him. He closed his eyes, slumping against the cupboards and slid down on his butt. He put his elbows on his knees and put his head in his hands. I didn't feel one bit bad for him. "I'm sure you took him home…made sure he was okay? While I was here crying my eyes out."
"You did it to yourself douche bag." Carlos was quiet, but I heard him and I cleared my throat taking off my coat.
"Like you have any room to talk." Both Carlos and Kendall turned to me, but I looked directly up at Kendall. "I don't know how many times I have to apologize to you. I tried to kill myself and that still wasn't good enough for you." Kendall's mouth fell open and he tossed a glass into the sink. It shattered.
"Don't you dare do that James! You put yourself in this position! You fucked him and hid it from me! I didn't make you enter him at any time and I sure as hell didn't put the blade to your fucking wrist!"
"You're right. This is my fault." The kitchen went quiet and he leaned against the stove, giving me a sad, angry look. "Kendall I made a huge mistake. I hurt you, and I can never take it back. DO I regret it? Yes, because I lost you. But…even if I try to explain this to you, you won't care so…" I put my elbows on my knees and looked down at the floor.
"James…here's a concept." I looked up slowly at Kendall who was letting slow tears escape his eyes. "Talk to me. Tell me the truth. It's all I wanted form the start. Explain yourself…please." I swallowed hard seeing Carlos picking at the denim on his knee. "Los…can you give us a minute?"
"No whatever this piece of shit has to say he can say in front of me. It will determine how hard I fucking kick his ass." I rolled my eyes but turned to Kendall shrugging.
"I thought…I thought he needed me. He was…he was so hurt and all alone." He looked away and wiped his cheek but I stood up and continue. "I did…I did work the night he was attacked. When we got there…the cops had the two other EMTS in the back of their car and I could hear him crying in his apartment. When we got in, he was on his couch, wrapped in a blanket, shaking, pale and bloody. The cop explained as best as he could what happened, only upsetting him more, and when I got to him…something happened. I put a hand on his shoulder and told him everything would be alright. He cowered at first but then…he grabbed a hold of me, and wouldn't let go. I felt so bad for him. All I wanted to do was hold him until the pain went away. SO I did." Kendall very slowly slid down the stove and sat on his butt up against it. I walked right next to him and sat down looking at the sink ahead of me. Carlos was staring at me, but I ignored him. "Every time I went to work, I went to check on him in the hospital. He was timid at first but finally opened up to me. We would talk for hours at a time. He told me about his life…I was always talking about you." I glanced over to Kendall who had a smile on his face. It was small but it was there. "Eventually he got released from the hospital. I was horrified to find out, no one was there for him. He was going to have to take a cab, back to his apartment, which was still trashed. He was about to get in the cab when I stopped him, and offered to take him home. It was a struggle, but he finally gave in. When I got him there…he broke down again and tried to clean up the blood and the broken glass but…" I stopped remembering how he eventually just fell to the floor in his room and stared at the words written on his wall. I remember, very clearly, taking him and just holding him. That was the first night we had sex. "He was so scared. And hurt. I felt like all I could do was be there for him. In any way he needed me."
"Did he make the first move?" I turned to Kendall to see him wiping under his eye but staring at the cupboard in front of him. "Was it him or you? I'm just curious…" I laughed and also looked ahead of me.
"It was me." I saw him nod next to me and I shrugged. "I honestly thought it's what he needed. He stopped it. I swear to you, he stopped it. He was worried about you…he didn't want me to hurt you. But…I became attached at that point and somehow convinced him. It was a two way street…yes Logan could have said no. But…I initiated it. I made all the moves and I was the one who wanted it as a physical thing, more than him."
"Are you trying to make him look better or dig yourself in a deeper hole?" I turned quick on my butt to Kendall and grabbed his face. I made him turn to me. His eyes stayed closed but he put his hands on mine.
"I lost you Kendall. I don't think I'm ever going to get you back." He cried out quietly and I gently pulled him into me. He wrapped around my back tight and cried on my shoulder. "But everything I did, wasn't because I didn't love you, or I wanted to hurt you. I just didn't know how to handle the situation. I panicked, got in too deep and…and now where here." He tried his hardest to pull himself up on my lap, but I had to help, quite a bit. I held him tight and rubbed his back. "I know how upset you are, and I'm sorry I ever made you cry. I wish I could have handled this differently, please believe that. But…it's happened and…and now I know exactly the type of guy I am. The one who just…isn't right for you. I am man enough to know you deserve better. And I'm man enough to know that I need to do some growing up and, find myself. My real self." He cried out quieter this time and turned his head breathing out hard. I glanced over my shoulder to see Carlos looking at us sad. I smiled small and sighed out. "I got my own apartment. I'm moving in, in a week." Kendall pushed off me fast and looked at me, worried. I smiled small and wiped at his face shaking my head. "I need to give you, your space. Like you said. If you see your life in ten years, and I'm next to you, we'll come back to each other. But right now…"
"I can't just let you, out on the street James." I chuckled making him frown and wipe at his face.
"After all the shit I've put you through, and you still want to take care of me?" he blushed looking down and shrugged. I cautiously, kissed his forehead and closed my eyes keeping my lisp pressed into his skin.
"I think I'm taking this break up harder than you." He moved around on me, curling into a ball and clung onto my arm, again lying his head on my shoulder.
"It could have been worse. You could have had Ali back there kill me." I glanced over at him but he wasn't looking at us. He looked upset. I know it's because of Logan, but…he got what he deserves. "It's really shitty what you did to him." I hugged around Kendall who sniffled his nose, thankfully no longer crying. It Breaks my heart to hear him cry. Especially knowing it was my fault. "I know you were helping out Kendall…and you wanted to make him feel better but…you're better than that."
"Yeah well…it's Kendall's fault. He couldn't take care of his own shit, and dragged me into it. If he was just a God damn man and dealt with this…"
"Enough." Kendall turned into my neck and sighed out squeezing me tighter. "No one in this kitchen is a saint. But no one is better than the other. Take a note out of your own book and be a man. Fess up to your actions and deal with the consequences." Carlos looked away from me and I breathed in hard, and exhaled softly, and calmly. "I'm sorry I let you down Kendall. And I'm sorry I hurt you."
"Me too." He was quiet, and my heart snapped one more time. "I shouldn't…I should not have done that. I shouldn't have done any of this…to you or Logan. Or Carlos. I should have…"
"We've both done some stupid shit Kendall. It doesn't make you a horrible person."
"I said horrible things to him. I'm not usually like that. I need to…I need to make it right."
"You shouldn't have said anything to begin with asshole!" We both sat up and turned to Carlos who was standing up. He picked up his clothes and jacket and stormed out. Kendall jumped off em fast and chased after him. I sighed out and got up slowly walking out to the living room to see Kendall standing in front of the door blocking Carlos from leaving. "get out of my way Kendall. I don't want to hurt you."
"Please Carlos…let me make it right. I promise you I will!"
"What makes you think he'll want to see you?!" Kendall frowned and looked down wiping his face.
"Well he sure as hell doesn't want to see you." Carlos turned to me, rage seeping out of every pore. "I've known him for a while…again I'm sorry Kendall…and I know for sure when he tells you to stay away, you need to stay away." Carlos deflated fast and turned walking to the couch. He sat down tossing his clothes to the floor, sitting down hard. He laid back and rubbed his face sighing out hard. "Why don't we all just…relax. I'll go get breakfast…and some bad junk food and then we'll watch bad B movie horror movies all day." I gently pushed Kendall towards the couch, where he fell down hard, and laid on Carlos. Carlos didn't look like he wanted it, but he didn't try to fight it. I smirked and slipped my coat back on, grabbing my keys from the table and walked to the front door. "Let me know if you guys need anything." I only saw Carlos nod and walked out fast so the cold didn't get in the house.
I walked down the steps carefully, and made my way to my truck. I held my keys loosely in my hand and walked down the sidewalk towards my truck. Before I got to my door, I heard a voice. A familiar voice. "Be carefully buddy! Watch out for that man!" I turned fast and saw a kid, maybe 5 years old, riding a bike helmet on. He didn't look like he was going to be stopping. I reached out carefully, and stopped him, looking up, hearing running. I stood up fast and smiled big seeing none other than the nurse who looked out for me in the hospital. Matthew. "I'm sorry. He's still learning…James?" I waved softly and put my hands in my pockets as he walked up to me. He quickly scooped the kid up off his bike and put him on his bike. "You live here?"
"Yeah…well I'm moving in a week but…yeah I live up there." I pointed to my apartment and he nodded looking up at it. "Who is this brave little guy…riding a bike in this cold?" He frowned and helped him unstrap his helmet.
"This is my nephew Craig…I'm…I'm watching him for a little while. I told him it's too cold but he insisted."
"I just got my training wheels off mister! I was really good huh?" Matthew laughed, and I nodded putting up my hand. He gave it a high five and I chuckled. "Uncle Mattie? Can we have hot cocoa?!" Matthew nodded and let him squirm out of his arms.
"Sure…why don't you take your bike back under the stairs?" He nodded and gently picked up his bike and pushed it back down the sidewalk. "Well it was good seeing you James. You looked healthy."
"Well I feel healthy." We went quiet and I took the chance to look at him. He was about a head short than me. But he was built. And didn't have one single fault on him. Not one.
"Well I gotta get back to Craig…I'll see you around." I felt my head nod and he turned, smiling small. I felt something weird hit inside my head and I moved forward.
"Uhm Matthew?" He turned quick and smiled bigger. "I was wondering…would you like to maybe…get some coffee with me? Maybe tomorrow?" He blushed looking down and stepped back towards me.
"Yeah. I actually would love to." He looked up and bit at his lip. "I work tomorrow, but I'm off at 10 in the morning."
"Great…uhm I could pick you up and we could go to that Starbucks right across the street from the hospital."
"Okay. Sounds great! I'll see you tomorrow!" He waved softly, again and turned walking back to Craig who was sitting on the bottom of the stairs, waiting patiently. I smiled big and turned back to my truck, unlocking it. When I climbed in, I shut the door hard and sat back, honestly forgetting my I even came out here.
I just couldn't stop thinking about his big brown eyes.