New Perspective Evangelion

by Dartz-IRL

Newton's First law. An Object in motion will remain in motion until acted on by an external force. The events of Neon Genesis Evangelion, as seen by the Fourth Child. Self Insert:ACC

9. Boxed In

"Good Morning Noriko!"

Misato was being painfully cheerful for this hour in the morning. Well, for a morning that I had to go to school on anyway. There had to be a way for me to weasel out of that prison. Work...training...psychotherapy...something.

"Noriko," she said, sitting gravely down on Asuka's empty bed. I heard Asuka herself outside talking with Shinji. "There is something I need to talk to you about, it's important,"

My brain wasn't quite awake yet... Important... Misato? Training? Oh...I realized despondently...the phone call. I slunk back down under my bedsheets. She was just going to tell me about it now, wasn't she?

"Emm... What is it?" I sucked on my lip.

"Just a single question," she said, crossing her legs. Question? What could this be? Why am I hiding the box? What do I really remember? "Do you know my bedroom is right beside the bathroom?"

"Huh?" I looked at the closed bedroom door, then up at Misato's chest... then her face...then her chest... then her face again before she caught me. She was wearing that impish grin of hers again

"Mmm..hmm, it is. Just remember, I can hear everything that goes on in there."

Oh...Shame. Nothing but a deep void of pink-faced shame. Blushed to death.

"I was...noisy?"

"No, but I'm a light sleeper. It might be a healthy thing for a child your age, but not for me when I'm on an early shift."

"Sorry," I muttered darkly.

Why couldn't she just have dropped by to tell me about the phone-call. Why did it always have to be sex?

"So, tell me, how did it feel?" she enquired.

"Em... No private talk this late." I squirmed.

Women's reproductive health was not my favorite topic at six-thirty in the morning. Just get to the phone call already or leave. If I wasn't so ashamed of myself I'd be annoyed...

Misato sighed, "You don't have to be so ashamed of your body, you know,"

"But..." I said to my pillow. It was nice to be ashamed of my body sometimes. It meant I was still me inside...

"What?"

"Nothing important,"

One of those awkward silences... Please leave Misato, or tell me about the call, or let me get dressed, or stop teasing me!. She was sitting there, watching me, thinking...pondering. The nut-house for Noriko in five days? Just tell me already! Don't leave me in suspense.

Misato stood up... and paused

"Ah... one more thing."

She held it on the tip of her finger. Finally!

"I was speaking with Ritsuko last night," yes, yes, now she was going to tell me. "The pilot of Unit 04 will be arriving on Saturday. You'll be meeting him first Noriko, in the Geofront. Since Unit 03 and 04 are designed to operate as partners, you'll need to have a good working relationship."

Dammit Misato!

"Don't worry, I've heard he's quit cute."

"Anything else?"

"Nope!" She bubbled. "Enjoy your day at school Noriko."

I was suddenly left feeling strangely hollow. I was just a pilot to her. I kind hoped she might actually have liked me.

Wait a minute... What did she say about Unit 04?

"Hey, Wait!" I yelped.

The door just closed.

I...I

New Perspective Evangelion

Chapter 9: Boxed in...

I don't own NGE, somebody else does
Stuff might be mentioned that's copyright
I don't own it either
It's just a bit of fun anyway.

I…I

"Oh, it must be from a secret admirer," Motoko beamed.

A large white envelope had been placed in my locker, with my name written cleanly in roman characters, and in western order. It stood out from the background of yellow post-its and notepads that were being used to soak up rainwater from my shoes. This was obviously from someone who'd put a lot of thought into it. It smelled vaguely of polystyrene glue.

"Open it... Open it." She pleaded. "Open it, I want to see who it's from."

"Well..." I started, looking down at it, it really was quite smart. It was crisp, it was clean.

"Go on, open it. He might be cute."

"I don't like boys." I mumbled. It should've joined it's brothers under my shoes. But curiosity needled me to open it. Oh well, what the hell. I tore at the top of it, somewhat carelessly. I wasn't too concerned with the contents... and that's exactly what I wanted to tell myself. If I ripped it, I didn't care. I unfolded the paper inside with deliberate and obvious carelessness. If it got ripped, well too bad.

"Well, who is he? Let me see will you," Motoko muscled in over my shoulder.

"Dear Miss Nagato,

Please come meet me at lunchtime, on the roof of the old building. It is important.

With respect,

-Aida Kensuke"

"He's going to confess!" Motoko announced. "Two days in school and you've already got a boyfriend."

Oh hell. I confess to almighty God... The gang girls were staring at me from beneath an orange crust of make-up. They were whispering and giggling amongst themselves... pointing at me and snarking. I wondered if I could crawl into my locker.

"I don't want a boyfriend." I said firmly, glaring at the letter. "I don't like boys."

"So why are you blushing."

"I'm not!" I barked. No good, my cheeks were blazing red. For Christ's sake how stupid...

If I didn't have to worry about Misato sending me away if I did poorly this weekend, or a large EVA-shaped bomb being shipped over if I did well, now I had a fanboy. One who had pictures of me...

"Even if it is just Kensuke Aida, look at the effort he went to."

"I met him before," I told her, a dark cloud of shame hanging over my head. "He took a photograph of me and ran. Asuka hates him, but Shinji gets on well."

"Asuka hates the boys here too." Motoko said, throwing an odd suspicious look out of the side of her eyes. "I suppose, given the way you look at her, it must be obvious."

"What?" I blinked...

"S-Class." She whispered in my ear, followed by a bubbly giggle.

"The what?"

Top-range Mercedes? The wind just dropped from her sails.

"Never mind." She said flatly."Even if you were staring at her butt as she walked in."

"Was not..."

"Were too."

"Was not."

"Were too."

Both of us were giggling. Genuine... natural... human. No guarding walls, or second guesses.

"I was not!" I barked, hands on hips.

"Yes...you...were." Motoko drilled it in.

"How could I? She came in after me?"

Silence... Victory was mine!

"Good point... But I was talking about yesterday you know." She smirked.

"But Asuka does have a nice butt... so either way." I shrugged.

My words flowed like a spring, as if I'd tapped down into some well of Japanese. My accent had thinned, dissolved within the local Tokyo-3 dialect. Something was going on in my head... something was changing, I was sure of it. It was something that had started yesterday, but I could feel it going on.

Different thoughts were bleeding into my own. Thoughts and ideas that I knew weren't mine I mean, I'd never been a fitness freak, or a fan of athletics, but now I loved running. I loved the feel of my heart punching against the inside of my breastbone. I loved the surge of adrenaline. I loved proper sportswear. It suited me in a way a school uniform didn't. For one thing, I wasn't naked below the waist. I had proper clothes on, not a hovercraft skirt liable to blow out at a gust of wind.

"So then, are you going to meet him?" Motoko needled.

"Well..." I dithered.

My gut said no, my head said yes. It was like a root canal. Best just get it over with and be better off. I could tell him I had no interest. I could demand that he stop selling pictures of me. I might even be able to do it myself, without Asukas help.

"Go on... " She pressed.

"Alright." I relented with a roll of my eyes. "But only to say no."

"Don't be such a spoil sport... go with him. You two would make a cute couple y'know."

I could only sigh again and repeat.

"I'm not interested in boys."

"What about Asuka? Be quiet about that, if people found out..."

Her tone of voice made it crystal clear, even the lockers had eyes. The gang girls at the window shared a snigger. Rumours like that could really ruin a persons life in school. It was certainly not something I wanted to put myself through, not with all the other stuff on my plate..

"I had a boyfriend," I stated with firm authority, forming a story in my mind that might actually dig me out of this little hole.

"Oh, I wonder what he was like," she poked. "What are European boys like?"

Making up fictitious characters on the spot was an ability of mine built by years of writing random fiction pieces. Most of which were admittedly a little crap.

"He was perfect," I said, loading my voice with righteous scorn. "Iron-blue eyes and golden blond hair cut short. He was on the school football and swimming teams, and he still managed to be a straight A student. Everybody loved him. His name was Gary Stewart."

"He sounds nice... but... there's always a but."

I nodded, "Yup. Everybody loved him. Me, Katie O'Gill, Mary-Sue Conners... about three others."

Oh yes. Writer, director, Oscar winning actress. All in one.

"Oh wow!" Motoko yelped, "Five at once, what... that was... I'm speechless, At your age?"

She's swallowing it whole. Inside, I was dancing a jig of joy, but I had to keep the poker face, everything in the poker face. Be as serious as a bottom-end knock.

I just nodded again. "I promised myself I'd never do it again, so I won't."

"And you're thirteen?"

"Fourteen,"

Motoko thought for a moment.

"You're acting like an eight year old, y'know," she teased, " and eight year olds are so afraid of cooties."

"Not cooties... just not interested." I stated again. Cross my arms that was it. Finito...

"We'll see," she said with a knowing grin. "We'll see. Just because one boy was bad, doesn't mean they all are."

Which is true, but still there was a snowballs chance in hell I'd ever go out with a boy. Not while Rei's butt still haunted my dreams.

I...I

It was almost like I had a different personality when talking to Motoko.

Maybe it was because I was dealing with just Motoko. I didn't know her issues, I hadn't seen her innermost trauma's flashed across a TV screen for my entertainment. I hadn't nosed in on debates about her character on fan websites. I didn't know a thing about her until I met her the day before.

It was such a weight off my shoulders.

Walking to class, I almost missed her.

"Why are you talking to him?" Asuka demanded, as if my embarrassment would be a slight on her honour. "He's so...disgusting, him and his two stooge friends."

"I think it's cute." Hikari remarked brightly. "A boyfriend after two days, it took a week for you to receive your first declaration, Asuka."

Noticing her jealousy, a small part of my mind wanted to tease. But I knew better than to push that button.

"Not a declaration, just wants to talk." I said. "Formal language, like business. And I say no."

The two girls looked at themselves, pausing me in the corridor between some Janitor's storeroom, and a noticeboard advertising photographs for sale on the school roof. Telepathic translations, pooling their mental resources to try and work out just what I was trying to say. The three of us stood there, blocking the intermittent flow of students to class...

"Sure it is." They harmonised, staring me down.

God I hoped it was.

"No matter, I still say no!" I announced. Be strong, be affirmative. Have pride and confidence like Asuka. What was it Asuka'd said once? I had my flower and I had to keep it safe from grazing pigs.

"Good for you." Sorhyu said as she slapped me on the back... too hard!

Hikari looked unconvinced.

"Never underestimate the power of a tug on your heartstrings." She warned sagely.

"Well..." Well what if he did push some right button down there I didn't know I about. I knew they existed, the box itself was proof of that. The mere thought of it made me sick to my stomach. Do you Noriko take Kensuke to be your lawfully wedded husband? No, I couldn't take this chance by myself. "...I may need assistance just in case."

They looked at each other. Asuka laid a weighty hand of responsibility on my shoulder.

"This is something you must do yourself, Noriko." She said haughtily. "You must be able to say no on your own."

"But you promised to help me be a girl." I said, whispering...half whimpering... just to make sure Hikari couldn't hear me. She frowned.

"And this is something girls need to do by themselves." She answered, gruffly.

"Excuse me." Hikari pouted in her teacher's tone. "I am right here."

"Sorry." Asuka and I said in unison.

"Will you's kindly get a move on!" Someone in the building crowd demanded. "If you wanta discuss the rag, discuss it in the bathroom like normal girls."

"Touji you jerk!" Hikari shrieked. I don't know how she'd known it was him, or how she'd picked him out from the building blockage of people. "When you get to class, so help me..."

She was red-faced with anger. I was red-faced with self-shame. Asuka rolled her eyes at the immaturity of the laughing boy's. Each of our characters revealed perfectly in our reactions to one crude remark.

"Perverts." Asuka snorted, as she usually did.

"Yeah, and we'll be tardy perverts if you clucking hens don't shift it!"

Jerks, I thought.

I...I

Just say no... Just say no... Just say no... Just say no. How hard could it be? No matter what he says I could just say no. So why was I so afraid? Why was my mind playing back to me a video of myself, swooning into the waiting arms of Kensuke, my heart promising itself to him and him alone while my mind screamed in helpless terror.

Nervous... a sick lump in the back of my throat.. almost like my heart was trying to jump through in a blind rush to get to him... body or no body a womans heart would not be denied it's one true love. A hand of terror held it tight in place, squeezing it tightly, strangling it before could make the leap.

I was terrified.

That he might hold the key to my heart in his hand as I held his paper of proposal. A girl's heart was funny that way.

But why should I be afraid then? Was I not a man? The reflection in the window stated otherwise, but inside at least. Why should I be afraid of him? As long I hated wearing a skirt, I would be fine. As long as boys eying me up made my skin crawl, I would be fine. As long as I could still fantasise about snuggling Misato's breasts and mean it, I would be fine. I would be myself, no matter what this admittedly quite attractive shell of flesh said.

I wanted to announce it to the school. I wanted to stand on the roof and shout to the highest heavens. So long as I can say no I would still be myself. A gentle draft crawled up the inside of my leg, licking at my underwear and I suddenly had a very good idea why I was so afraid of Kensuke Aida.

I swallowed my fear, forcing it deep into the pit of my stomach. Below my fears of Third Impact, below my worries about Misato sending me away, or Asuka having some ulterior motive. Below my sexual insecurities and through the souls of my feet if I could.

I could be cold. I could be hard. I could focus on telling him exactly where to stick his proposal.

A little further up a little used staircase, and I suddenly became uncomfortably aware of a latent femininity picking at the back of my mind, announcing it's presence with a bounce in my breast, a ruffle of long hair, the chilling swish of an open skirt and a seam of my underwear worming it's way up somewhere uncomfortable.

If this went badly, it wouldn't just be cheap elastic finding its way into my nooks and crannies. If you'd told me at that moment that this wouldn't be the most worrying thing to happen to me that week I probably would've just laughed hysterically in your face, and maybe suggested you take a quick stroll in my shoes.

Speaking of which, my feet were killing me. Stiff, outdoor shoes which just hadn't broken in yet; they were cutting into my feet. Solid leather, razor blades and sandpaper wearing my heel to the bone. I dragged myself up those stairs with the enthusiasm of a prisoner walking her last mile. Up the stairs to the roof, a rarely trod path into the hot afternoon sun. A few browned paper notices on the wall advertised last year's school trip, and the one before it.

"Stop!" a voice barked behind me.

I whirled around. Face to face with the oddest pair of brown eyes I'd ever seen. They stared through me in a way which Rei would've struggled to match. It was creepy that an otherwise normal girl, with normal brown hair, a normal school uniform...save for a red armband... a normal skin colour and a normal honey-coloured hairband should have a gaze that would make a tree blink.

"Mecha Pilot Noriko Nagato," She said, voice thrown forward with authority. "Haruhi Suzimiyah, SOS brigade, Tokyo-3 division."

"Err... okay."

Haruhi now. What next?

"You pilot the black mecha?" she interrogated. Staring... demanding...Haruhi.

I nodded dumbly. Haruhi Suzimayah... Har...uhi...Suzim...iyah...

"Are you a slider, time traveller, esper, or alien?"

I was two of those things... possibly three depending on the definition of 'esper'. But... Har...uhi. My mind screamed what the fuck?

"I am myself." I said flatly.

"Oh how boring." Haruhi sighed. "There has to be some reasoning behind it all. A reasoning for your selection. A great conspiracy behind the Evangelions. A conspiracy to unmake the human race."

For one brief moment, a devious thought entered my mind to tell her something, anything and probably everything, but I was too busy trying not to laugh at the absurdity of Haruhi Suzimiyah showing up in Tokyo-3.

"I wouldn't know." was all I could say without laughing.

Haruhi loomed over me, eyes zooming like little camera lenses. It was infernally creepy. Normal people didn't stare like that. Normal people didn't hyperfocus like that. Rei did. But Rei wasn't normal.

"This is my e-mail address." she stated, thrusting some paper card into my hand, "If you have anything you wish to talk about, don't hesitate to use it, the brigade will treat all correspondence in strictest confidentiality."

"Umm.. okay.."

The sensation of weirdness lingered long after Haruhi had left, running down the corridor. While it made one doozy of an explanation for what had happened to me, somehow Haruhi Suzimiyah pulled a fanboy into a girls body in another universe out of sheer boredom' wasn't anything near what had happened to me. Although, there was something inherently more appealing in the concept then Kawaoru Nagisa doing it for some eldritch reason beyond mortal human comprehension.

It helped me forget about Kensuke for a few moments.

He was still waiting on the roof, a few steps up above me. Alright, find the focus. Saying 'No isn't hard' I can do it. One leg up over the other. Think like Asuka, be like Asuka. Self confidence is key. A little nervousness, nothing I couldn't handle. I wonder if there's a coincidence in there, my last name as Yuki Nagato's? Hah!

Or was it the Battleship Nagato? Admiral Yamomoto's flagship during the Pearl Harbour raid, prior to the commissioning of the Yamato. The last active IJN battleship, final sunk by Able Baker in 1946. Was I really just stalling for time? Oh yes. My mind was stalling for time. My underwear wasn't right, better fix that strap before it begins to chafe. I wonder what Asuka's sundress feels like to wear?

Okay, now I really was stalling too much. My mind was beginning to switch to the XX track. Just do it! Not Asuka's Sundress, Kensuke. Do Kensuke!.No!. Just... Oh forget it. I knew what I meant. I didn't have to justify myself to myself.

Flush with renewed conviction, I dashed upwards. My heart leapt towards it's one true desire. Solitude and a life free of love. Well maybe not free entirely of love, if I met the right kind of girl, I might find a way to be comfortable with that.

And then there he was, standing there against a mountain backdrop. The midday sun was tingling the skin on my face and arms, already the beginnings of a sunburn. A cooling breeze whipped across the roof, stirring dust, and dragging at the blond boys T-shirt.

He was standing there, in a picture scene as perfect as any from a romantic novel.

And I felt nothing.

"Noriko, you came." he smiled.

Out of context... Don't think about that!

"Well, yes." I nodded. My confidence was holding. Here he goes. He taking his breath. His ready to say it.

"Have you heard if they've selected a pilot for Unit 04 yet?"

I turned blue.

"No," I stuttered out the one word I'd been fixating on since I got his letter. "Not... No... No Unit 04."

"I hacked my father's database. It said Unit 04 was nearing completion in the States." He told me, chest swelling with pride, while I was having some fun watch his eyes slowly creep down to a point between my breasts, hold for a moment, then snap back before he thought I'd caught him. "It didn't say if a pilot had been selected yet. Since all the other pilot's are in the class, maybe...,"

"You may be on list." I finished.

"I am!" He leapt forward.

I cringed. That wasn't what I'd meant at all.

"No...no" I shook my head. "Not that... em... how do you say? No reason you cannot pilot, but..."

The boy deflated before my eyes, his energy draining down to his shoes.

"What?" he pushed, crestfallen.

And I almost wished I did just have to reject him. I knew the pilot for Unit 04 had been selected, Misato had told me. I knew it would probably blow up, and somehow I had an inkling that the pilot just wouldn't be Kensuke. The exact word Misato had used was Bishounen, which in my mind was rendered to 'cute'. Kensuke, in all honestly, covered neither base.

He was myself a month ago.

Only a month. It seemed, somehow, to be much longer than that.

Okay, just divert the question then. It wouldn't be fair to crush all his hopes, would it?

"Why do you want to pilot?"

In all honesty, I'd expected something along the lines of, 'Because it's the most awesome thing in history', something like why I thought I wanted to be a pilot.

"Well." He held up, taking some time to consider it. "My father fought with the JASDF in the Vietnam interdiction. My grandfather was an officer in the JASDF. My great-grandfather was a pilot stationed on the carrier Sorhyu. His father fought at the battle of Tsushima as a lieutenant in command of the gunboat Akagi. For every war we have fought, an Aida had fought in it."

A short pause. He was looking straight into my eyes now..

"I guess, I just don't want to be the one left behind."

"Well..." I started on some track, before thinking better and just sitting back into awkward silence. What could I say to that? It isn't really a war, not the sort of war he's thinking of anyway.

"You are Shinji friend?"

He nodded. "But what does that have to do with it?"

Okay... think... don't fuck it up.

"Shinji need a friend for support. Friend more important than soldier."

I tried to say it like I meant it, but it just came off as corny to my own ears. That old mecha cliché.

"But why can't I be his friend, and his comrade at the same time?"

"Because he worry about you?"

"But he worries about me in the shelter. He worries about what would happen if he fails to defend the shelter. He's terrified we'll get hurt and that it will be his fault. "

Still on the back foot, I was looking for a way out,

"He told you that?"

"No," Kensuke shook his head, "but he doesn't need to. I can still see it. And if I was a pilot, I could protect myself. He wouldn't have to worry about me, or the class. I know I could do a good job of it. I know tactics, I know military procedure's. I know how to do it, so why won't they give me a chance?"

"I don't know." I told him the truth. "But EVA is more complicated,"

The whole bit about having to have your dead mother's soul as a core being on thing. Speaking of which, just why did Unit 03 work for me then if it was Noriko's mother? That's not important right now. Just, how do I get out of this without seeming like a jerk? I ran a few strands of hair through my fingers, trying to find something that filled the silence that followed.

Kensuke sighed, and turned around, shuffling his feet on the the gritty roofing felt. He looked out over the mountains, at a cross shaped prefab building at the center of a roughly man-shaped scar in the mountainside forest.

"How much more complicated can it be?" he asked, his tone so flat, I knew he meant exactly what he said.

"Classified,"

"And that's just an easy way out, isn't it?"

He called it perfectly.

"It also the truth." I told him flatly.

Synchronisation, the AT field, the testing and training required to become a pilot, even what the plugsuit actually did (but not it's existence) for a pilot were as secret as the Colonels eleven spices. I almost wished he had asked me out, it would've been much less awkward than this. It wasn't that I didn't want to tell him either, don't get me wrong, if I had the choice Id've revealed every gory detail of the Evangelions and their creation to him.

But I didn't want to be punished for it. Ten years in prison, at least, for the pair of us.

"They tell the pilots nothing."

"Thanks for meeting me anyway Noriko." He said. "Maybe you could put in a good word for me with Misato? Or tell me if you hear anything please?"

I thought for a moment,

"I will."

"Thanks." he smiled,

"Uh, but only if can say." I blurted, "No...em... so secret that cause trouble,"

Another pause.

"If you can't say anything, I understand." He said, disappointed. "But I have a website where people login and post theories about them. Since it's anonimised, maybe you could ad something?"

"Maybe."

I didn't want to say no, and I didn't want to say yes either. The classrooms had ears. And I'd been to enough Eva fansites to know exactly what would happen.

"Just think about it."

"Later." I said, giving a half hearted wave.

I left Kensuke leaning against the roof railing, looking out over the yard. So then, I wanted to pilot an Eva, because being a pilot was 'awesome'. And it was. I loved it. I loved the training. I loved the size of the Eva. I loved the feel of the plug. I loved wearing a plugsuit. I loved every little thing about being an Eva pilot, ...except for the occasional mortal peril. And if Shinji could deal with that like it was routine, it was only a matter of time before I could.

If I could get used to the 'bounce', I could eventually deal with anything. There was a lot I'd gotten used to in a month.

Anyway, it just seemed like I was the only one piloting an Eva because it was cool. It seemed so...stupid to me. Shinji did it to hear his father's praise, Rei did it because she knows nothing else, Asuka does it to prove to the world that she exists, Touji did/does/will do it to put his sister in a good hospital and now Kensuke, the fanboy elite, wants to be a pilot because of his family heritage.

It left me feeling oddly shallow and unfulfilled. I traipsed back downstairs and out the main doors, searching for Hikari and Asuka. Other thoughts wheeled through my mind, Misato actually thinking about sending me away, the pilot of Unit 04, and the Eva of death blowing itself and most of Tokyo-3 to pieces when someone tried to start it.

Motoko was sitting alone, on a low concrete wall beside a flowerbed, eating from a bento box while reading some magazine. Spying me from across the yard, she gave a friendly wave. I stopped. Asuka, or Motoko? I didn't even have to think...

Motoko it was.

"So, you must be Nagato," a voice said behind me. A boys voice.

Tall, thin, at least sixteen years old and probably on his way to a senior high soon enough, with a sharp chin, cynical eyes and short brown bangs. I groaned to myself. Why were so many people bothering me today? Would I even get a lunch?

"Yes," I snarled,

"Good", he said. "You've met Haruhi, I take it?"

"Yes," I nodded again. I'm not going to be bothered by this crowd now, am I? I mean, I enjoyed the series, it certainly had it's pick me ups, but I wasn't exactly a subscriber to the whole Haruhism thing, preferring alcoholism, like most Irish animé fans.

"Alright, you need to know a few...things," he said, being very suspicious as he said it. He gave a quick, nervous glance over each shoulder, making sure no bogey man was about to jump him, before pulling me close, close enough to whisper secrets in my ear.

"What?" I snarled. Damn this was annoying

"I'm Kyonichi Haruhara, and you can probably guess why I got dragged into this too,"

And suddenly, I was intrigued. Like a lightswitch. His voice oozed irritation, like a creme-cake of annoyance and frustration that was being squeezed beneath an especially irritating jackboot.

"Kyon..."

"The one and only, Of course, a secret Pilot named Nagato is going to draw her own fair share of attention too, "

I looked up at him, near half a foot taller than me if not more,

"What's going on?"

A small spark of intuition told me I wasn't about to get a summary of an animé series.

"Haruhi Suzimiyah's real name is Sakura Ikazuchi. About six months ago, during the first of those robot attacks, her parents were killed. She left school for a week, and when she came back, she insisted we call her Haruhi. She insisted she was Haruhi. She'd always been a fan of the books, so she knows everything about Haruhi. Haruhi consumed her mind"

He sighed, rubbing his templed.

"She dragged her ersatz-SOS brigade together. All of us are linked by our names. Me, as Kyon, Kimiko Asahina as Mikuru, Yuki Mutsu, as Yuki Nagato and Itsuki Koizumi as... well that one's obvious I suppose,"

"Well that's..." weird seemed like the right word... but not something you'd say to a person's face about they're psychotic friend.

"Weird, I know. But it's true,"

Oh well, what the hell.

"So, why do you keep up?" It was obviously annoying him, and, while I couldn't speak for the rest of the eSOS brigade, If eKyon was anything like they were, they were probably at the end of their tether's too.

"Because if we don't, we don't know what Haru... um... Sakura will do to herself when she finds out. She's so unstable as it is, the slightest thing could tip her over the edge. If she realises she's not somebody special, that she might just be an ordinary student, and an orphaned one at that well...she might harm herself. And we don't want that on our conscience,"

Part of me wanted to laugh. I mean, it seemed almost ridiculous. They had to be joking, right? This had to be some sort of joke at my expense. This couldn't be on the level. So thought the former animé fanboy turned female mecha pilot...

"What do you want me to do?"

I had all the enthusiasm of a condemned man asking the executioner for his last meal...

"Just play along for now. Make NERV the secret organisation Sakura thinks it is. Conspiracies within conspiracies, something that would give James Bond headaches. I'm sure NERV is pretty much ordinary military inside, aside from the mysterious enemy and giant robots, but make it seem really extraordinary... why are you grinning,"

I had the sudden devilish idea to tell Sakura exactly what was going on, the truth about Nerv and the conspiracy to turn the human race to goo for the sake of love.

"Nothing, I just like write story is all. I have wonderful idea,"

"Write? Good, that'll make it consistent. Just keep enough going to keep her running in circles. And don't give her secret away to herself..."

"I won't..." I said, throwing a Misato wink

It was, and probably would remain, the only time anyone ever asked me to write something.

"Don't..." he said, stone-faced "Run it by me before you show it to Haruhi, I can craft a scenario with the rest of the brigade to run along with it. I didn't spend the last three years in the schools TG society for nothing,"

TG being Traditional Games, and not trans-gender...

"I write something good, no worry,"

I didn't have the heart to tell him, I'd only ever written fanfiction. But I'd read some King, some Tolkien, every issue of Bike Buyer's Guide, I could at least come up with something.

"I'm going to tell the Brigade. See you, Nagato,"

"See you, "... I forgot his name... beyond Kyon.

We both walked off on our separate directions. Motoko was still over by the flower beds, sitting on that low brick wall, eating her bento, all alone. A true friend wouldn't ignore her like that, and my mood for the day was at it's highpoint...

Alright!

"So how did it go Fourth Child?"

Asuka...

I flashed her a glare, deflating on the spot. Just because I considered Asuka a friend, didn't mean I wanted her to follow me around. Hikari smiled, while the German planted herself to the tarmacadam, tapping her foot on the ground with building impatience.

"Fine, he just wanted to be Eva pilot of Unit 04." I gave a gallic shrug.

Motoko had stopped waving.

"Such an idiot, as if a sweaty army-nerd like him could ever be a pilot. Stupid nerds should stop living in their own fantasy's and wake up to the real world. "

That hurt in a way I didn't expect.

Hikari gave a knowing grin. "This from the one who fantasises about playing the lead role in a James Bond movie with Mister Kaji?"

"That's different."

"How?" I pondered out loud.

"Well for one thing, Ryoji Kaji is a real man, and not some anatomically perfect tenth-scale doll."

Which was a good point I guess. But she had about as much chance with Kaji, as the average animé fanboy had of getting into her underpants. Flesh and blood or not made little difference, the chance was still zero.

The only reason I was ever in Asuka's panties, was the same reason she was sometimes in mine. Shinji'd stopped bothering to sort them after Asuka yelled at him for touching her delicates two weeks ago, and since the pair of us shared...give or take... the same sizes, it really wasn't a problem to just pick from the same drawer. I never actually gave it much thought after the first five minutes.

I remembered the trio of figurines on my shelf back home, Asuka and Rei in a plugsuit, by Revoltech, and a bootlegged Misato with Yebisu, and wondered if I had my own figure series by now.

"I just never understood why somebody would buy a plastic doll rather than take a real girl out on a date." Said Hikari,

"Plastic doll never hurt feeling." I said. They never talked either. Just lingered on the shelf, lifeless eyes forever staring at a poster of an old lime green Kawasaki KZ-1000 on the opposite wall.

Asuka put her foot forward... as usual. "Well, dolls don't reproduce either," she said, "so they won't. Darwinism in action."

I chuckled, but Hikari just answered with a polite smile, and a nervous glance at my feet.

"Kodama's boyfriend is really sweet though." She told her shoes. "Once she actually talked to him anyway and pulled him out of his shell."

Asuka rolled her eyes,

"But it's really worth the effort, because some Otaku can be the nicest guys...once you get to know them."

"But most are disgusting creeps Hikari, is it really worth wading through garbage for one solitary gem?"

Boys... no matter how much I wanted to defend the fanboy elite, it wasn't a subject that really held my interest. Girls talked about boys in much the same way boys talked about girls, there was no mystery to it. It's no great surprise to say I didn't feel comfortable talking about boys like that, but it was more than that. With Asuka and Hikari deeply locked in debate as to what defined a good catch, I couldn't shake t the feeling that I was just another third wheel. I could've said something, but I didn't feel like there was anything to say... nothing beyond "I don't like boys" anyway.

I was standing there, not with them, but beside them.

I looked over to see if Motoko was still sitting on the wall, but she'd moved on. Rei, with some notebook resting on her lap, had taken her place. As if sensing me watching, she raised her head, staring right at me. Rei might have been fifty yards away or more, but I knew she was staring right into my eyes. A nervous quiver rippled through my body, before I shook it off and returned my attention to Asuka and Hikari.

Suddenly, boys seemed the better choice, and with any luck I'd see Motoko at the end of the day.

I...I

If you think you have strange dreams, try having a lesbian tryst with a nanite-gender swapped Shinji. It was disappointing to see him at breakfast that morning, Thursday, with a flat, distinctly male chest. I pondered on it for all of two seconds, wondering what possible combination of ingredients had baked such an entertaining cake, before coming to the conclusion that the cake was a lie. Nothing but a product of whatever part of my sexuality was governed by the female side coming (and then some) to an arrangement with the male side by which they could both get some fun from an acceptable partner.

Then I realised I didn't care about the in's and outs, I just wanted to wake up with that same feeling of energy inside every morning from now on. And maybe having 'someone' to share my little bedroll with would be nice. It was strangely cold...

Yes, I had the brain of a teenager and it was beginning to show.

Wednesday had been a nice day though. Quiet enough. The eSOS brigade were out and about, but I think Kyon kept them away from me. He gave me the strangest smile, when I passed him in the corridor between classes. Kensuke too. Admirers , Motoko suggested. Kyon was cute, at least according to her, but not right for me. Asuka and Shinji didn't argue, Rei was Rei and a handwritten flyer announced that pictures of myself for sale, at a ten yen premium over Asuka.

There was something oddly comforting about it. I put it down to the sportswear.

My mood was riding high running down to the afternoons sync test.

Asuka was in her usual mood. Either she was happy, or she was pretending to be. Rei was Rei. Shinji was gangly and boyish in his plugsuit.

In my entry plug, I could smell biscuits. Hot, baking biscuits in an oven. Such a wonderful smell of home, mingling with the slight tang of what could almost have been roasted barely, pine detergent and a strange strawberry scent that might've been perfume.

It was the EVA...It was the smell of home.

It was so comfortable, like a soft armchair that just gave way under weight and swallowed you up. The drone of the cycle pumps, the chirp of a signal generator, or the voice of a bridge bunny just fell away, fading until they sounded like they were being heard through a wall. A few whispers, a few thoughts, a smell of feet, a smell of bedroom, the sounds of the seashore.

There was the presence of the Eva again, and a sense of something feminine. It was pushing, probing more than usual. A questioning impulse, a feeling of curiousity, it was trying to find something and it dragged my mind with me. The world outside seemed to melt away completely, receding into the background as I fell within myself.

I felt perfectly at ease.

Somebody was standing there, looking at me. Surrounded by nothing but blackness, I could see nothing, but I could feel them standing dead still, six feet right in front of me

Just standing, watching me.

A woman, definitely, a sweet apple perfume tingling my nostrils.

Is that you?

Who?

You?

You who?

You?

It rushed forward, embracing me in it's arms No! Not this! My mind screamed. Familiar arms. I knew that smell! I knew that feel. I know that voice! No! Focus on the Eva. Focus on yourself! It wanted Noriko, I was not Noriko.

I am not her! I am not your daughter.

She stood there again, watching me. Coldly distant. And lonely.

Did you get your present?

Yeah! It's real shiny too! My mind resonated

Don't let it! Focus on the EVA, on synchronisation. Search for something anything but this. The throttles, reach for the throttle, a button, something!

I'll be home in three weeks then Nori' just after we run this one last test,

It's always another test,

Yeah but this is the last test, the absolute last test I promise.

Yeah mom... Wait... FOCUS. My name is... My name is... Switch channel, any channel! I wanted to get out of this memory. Abort the test? What test?

I'll ring you when I'm finished the test alright honey. Be good for your father

I will mom.

I could feel tears. I could feel it pushing deeper, driving hard into my mind. Another smell, the smell of hot plastic, the smell of sweat, the sounds of somebody screaming and a wail of a jet engine. I could smell jet fuel, seeping into the entry plug.

And it stopped. I felt a strange, empty sorrow

"Noriko..."

It was staring at me.

"Noriko..."

And it was gone?

"Noriko, are you awake in there?"

I blinked, mind snapping back to the blood smelling entry plug.

"Eh...Yeah," I mumbled, my head still swinging like a loose pendulum.

Misato's face drifted in and out of focus beside me. She was smiling at me, I thought.

"Good work Noriko. Sixty five percent. You make record increase!"

The only thing worse than my Japanese, was Misato's English. Wait? Sixty-five percent. I gave her a quizzical look. Occam's razor pointing out that she'd probably just made a mistake. That would mean...

"Double...of the last score." The Captain's took the words right out of my mouth.

All I could do was answer with a bewildered stare.

She looked away, her attention being tugged by a voice to her right, and frowned. "Really?" She asked. "Half already? I never distracted Shinji or Asuka that much." A teaser grin. "At least not like that," I thought of a thousand half-remembered pieces of fanart and giggled a few bubbles of LCL.

Sorhyu; "And how much have I improved by Misato?" Asuka popped up.

"Point-five." Was Doctor Akagi's terse reply

Sorhyu; "Well, I suppose it's easy to get big increases from low scores, isn't it Fourth,"

She was staring right at me, staring down at me. Her face was nothing more than a projection against the plug wall, but she still stared me, demanding an explanation for my insolence.

"It did something weird"

It was the only explanation I could give. It was the only explanation I could understand.

"Asuka, stop being a distraction," Misato barked. "Her score's already back below forty,"

Sorhyu; "That's not my fault, it's her own fault, she..."

Misato fixed her with an arctic gaze.

Ich habe dir gesagt, um nett zu ihr sein

Asuka shot back with some choice words of her own, before Misato bit down hard on her, sounding like a prison camp kommandant. Asuka sat there, huffing before dropping into a dark pout. A storm of fury boiled above red hair. I wasn't stupid, I knew I was sitting right at the centre of it. I knew that whatever had been said, had been something about me, and I new damn well that whatever Asuka had said, pounds for pennies said it wasn't very nice.

Even if the German language by it's very nature made reading a shopping list sound like reading a death warrant.

"Concentrate Noriko, try and focus on what you were doing before." Akagi directed. "Repeat what you did."

How could I repeat it, when I had no idea what had just happened. I did nothing different, then the Eva did something weird. I looked at Asuka pouting, Misato glaring. The wall opposite me was green and unyielding, except for a single technician head deep in some electrical panel. I thought about it, turning what had just happened over in my mind like a pig roasting on a spit. About the time 'medium' transitioned into 'well done', I felt it again, standing over me like a dark silhouette in doorway, watching over me.

And just watching.

Fear rose up again, my body charging up with static electricity. It was still there. Not approaching me any more. Just standing, I was in my bed, and it was a rapist, waiting to violate my sanity. It was insane. The rational part of of me knew it was just the Eva looking for what was left of Noriko. The rational part of me knew that it meant no harm, it was probably just curious. The rest of me could see the cockroaches crawling all over the rational part of my brain, squealing in Penderecki terror.

If it got any closer. If it ever got inside my head again, if it found Noriko, it would bring more of her to the surface. The more of her there was, the less of me there would be.

And still, it stood there, and there it stayed. At a synchronisation rate of 37.47 percent.

Asuka was pleased. Ritsuko was puzzled, scheduling a battery of tests to try and figure out just why my sync rate had shot up, then dropped right back down again. Shinji was pleading with Misato not to cook dinner. Rei was being Rei. I was just glad to be done with the test.

I stood under a showerhead for a full five minutes, steaming hot water just washing my worries away. Asuka stood beside me, her body wet and shining.

"Well, if you want to become a good pilot, you'll have to be able to maintain a sync ratio," she announced to her audience of one. Her mood had brightened again.

"It wasn't me, the Eva did something weird,"

"A bad workman blames her tools," chided Asuka.

"It was Unit 03's mind," I told her. "It wasn't me,"

"What are you, stupid? Who would design a weapon with it's own mind?"

Oh right, Episode 22.

"Whoever built Unit 03. " I said, leaving her in the shower to dry myself off.

"Well, maybe it is an inferior model, but my Unit 02 will do exactly what I tell it to. I'm in perfect control," Naked hands on naked hips time. "It does everything I tell it to without complaint,"

"You can't not know..." I snapped back, staring right inter her ice blue eyes. ... that you're own mother's soul is inside there, was how I wanted to finish. But that would be one hell of a landmine to step on, wouldn't it? I swallowed the rest of that sentence, and buried myself face first in my locker.

Underwear was more important than that. Much more important. Much more comfortable too.

"Can't know what?" demanded Asuka,

"Nothing," I dismissed it, snapping the elastic on a fresh pair of panties.

Drop it, just drop it now.

"What's nothing? You were going to say something weren't you? What's that something?"

"Nothing?" I repeated, swatting her away

She grabbed me by the shoulder and whirled me around,

"What's nothing?"

Her voice rang off the tiles, clear and crisp and right in my face despite the humidity. I stood there, underwear hanging limply in one hand, my eyes drifting towards the door. I could outrun Asuka now, I knew that. But could I run naked through a cold corridor?

I felt sick to my stomach. I couldn't even look her in the eyes.

"Personality type OS," I said between my teeth, "I was wrong. It was just the personality type OS going funny,"

She gave me a strange, suspicious look, her eyes narrowing into ice coloured slits. I licked my lips nervously. I was lying through my teeth... sort of... but would she call me on it? And what sort of answer could I give her? Unit 02 is your mother Asuka. Search your feelings, you know it to be true.

She'd scream like Luke Skywalker, and probably cut my head off to boot.

I watched her draw a slow breath, churning the idea over in her mind.

Hey Asuka, it's the funniest thing. You'll never guess what really happened to the Eva pilot's mothers! When they died, they all became the Eva's and protect us and love us. Now do you understand, the meaning of the AT field.

Nope. No less terminal.

"What are you, stupid? Is that all?"

Asuka scoffed and turned away. She thought I was an idiot. Just another thing on top of a growing pile then. I groaned, dropping forward until my head thudded against the cold steel door.

And the higher my sync ratio got, the more of my mind and memory would be overwritten with Noriko's. It was a wonderful Faustian dilemma. The more power I wanted, the more of myself I would have to give up. Overwriting my identity, it was like taking individual grains from a salt heap At what point would it stop being a heap? At what point would I stop being myself and become Noriko? Would there be a terrible moment of realisation, or would I just slowly erode away into the background?

I thought about Asuka, and about how much I really knew about her, and how close I'd come to getting in over my head... and genuinely wondered if maybe it wouldn't be for the best if I could wake up in the morning, and never realise I had been anybody but Noriko Nagato.

I would wash myself. I might find Shinji cute in his shorts. I might borrow Asuka's perfume, because for some reason I never bought my own, and maybe share clothes with her...more than underwear. I might go shopping with Motoko. I might ask Shinji out on a date. I might be happy for the next six months of my life.

Until my friends start dying.

The 13th Angel might take one as a prize.

Asuka gets mind raped into a coma.

Rei blows herself to pieces, then they fetch another one from the tank.

Shinji falls apart when he kills Kawaoru.

My own sanity hanging by a thread as I stare down nine white evangelion's with hungry grins on their cetacean heads.

And then a lance to face, or giant naked Rei turning me to tang.

Damned if I did, damned if I didn't, I guess. And all the while, Asuka was muttering to herself in German.

It'd be maddening if I gave it more thought.

At least I could tell which memories where Noriko's, and which where my own. Different disk partitions in my head. That was a starting point. And here's hoping I could hold onto enough of myself that, when it really mattered, I'd know what was coming, and what to do.

"Hey, Fourth, I think this is one of your bra's, it's really tight on my chest."

Asuka offered it to me, pink lace and all, with a teasing smirk on her face. Well, this was a question I knew how to answer.

"And these might be your panties, they're really loose around the waist," I answered with a forced smile, running my thumb along the waistband. Snap went the elastic

Silence.

"Hah, we both read that book, didn't we?"

Ranma? That's the last place I remembered a joke like that from. Somehow, Asuka didn't seem like the manga reading type. I nodded dumbly, wondering privately what 'that book' was, before taking a few narcissistic moments to admire the reflection in the mirror... again.

I may have been quite possibly going slowly insane in the mind and soul, but at least the body was fitter and healthier than it had ever been.

I was dressing into my training gear, when Misato dropped in to say hello, good work, announce all bright and bubbly that she was cooking dinner since Shinji was staying with friends..

Asuka turned pale at that one, but I liked curried ramen...

She told told me that Dr. Akagi wanted to see me in her office after school tomorrow, instead of a sync test. I was expecting it, I knew what it was. A psych exam. She used 'Dr. Akagi' instead of Ritsuko, that just confirmed how serious it was, despite the smile on her face.

And then,

"Good news Asuka!"

"What?"

Asuka looked to be dreading what our guardian was about to say, and truth be told I didn't blame her.

"Your father will be in Japan for the weekend!"

"I see," said Asuka, showing a turkey's enthusiasm for Christmas. The fluff of lint on the back of her locker suddenly seemed more important than her own parents. It sucked the heat out of the room, replacing it with a cool, humid chill.

"He told me he'd like to watch you pilot too, and since we were planning on full-scale sparring matches to test equipment on Unit 03..."

Asuka's gaze darkened.

"Well naturally, you want the best pilot, otherwise it wouldn't be a fair test. And don't think for a minute Fourth that I'm going to be going easy on you,"

"Well, it wouldn't be...fair test. Unit 03 not close combat."

She'd tear me apart to prove a point, I was sure of it.

"It's a firearms test Noriko. Commander Langley wants to test some prototype weaponry to be deployed with Unit 04 when it's shipped"

Ooh... Prototype. Everybody knows prototypes and test types are better than the production models... Just ask Shinji. Or any super robot pilot.

"Well, a prog-knife and some skill will never run out of ammunition. This will be easy."

Appealing to her competitive side, Misato knew how to make Asuka play along, that was for sure. For my sake, I hoped she wouldn't be too enthusiastic.

"Don't try too hard to impress your father, we need to get some good data from Unit 03," Misato said, with a bright smile and half a wink.

"That won't be a problem," said Asuka, her voice losing all it's colour once more.

"Heh, don't have to go easy on me. Targeting computer better than all." I teased her back... well, tried to tease anyway.

The only answer I got was silence, punctuated by the slow drip...drip...drip of cold water down a shower drain. Spirit crushing silence, and a strange exchange of glances between Misato and Asuka.

That won't be a problem... She'd restrain herself from going berserker on me and tearing me to pieces just to impress her papa. That's how I'd understood it. I shrunk back into my locker to hide from the silence.

"Anyway," Misato killed it, sighing to herself, "The flight has already left Reagan airport, it'll be arriving in Tokyo-3 tomorrow. They're booked into the Railton Hotel for the weekend, so anytime you want to see him."

"Yeah,"

She wasn't going to. Getting her red headgear in it's proper place was more important to her than her father. I wondered what sort of man he was, for a moment, but I knew better than to open my trap again.

Misato would needle Asuka, trying to get her to at least see her father once... outside of 'work' hours anyway, while Asuka ballet-danced her way around the questions. It was and interesting thing to watch, but I got out of there before my mouth could cause troubles for me again.

I took a solitary train ride back to the surface... jogging up a 1-in-1 incline for a kilometre would probably have killed me. I jogged the rest of the way home in the evening sun, putting Unit 03 and Asuka's father and anything else that had been dredged up during the day out of my mind. Just take a shower in the cool evening air and let it carry my problems away.

I didn't know just how big a problem it was carrying towards me. Flying over the remains of Hawaii, was the Fifth Child.

I...I

It was the end of the week, and I had the Friday feeling. The traditional arts class I'd been enrolled in... because all the other good classes were taken... was boring as hell, and wasn't helped by a teacher who was widely regarded as being old enough to remember the Meiji restoration, but could never remember what she was saying from one moment to the next. Asuka beat on Shinji, Shinji 'forgot' her lunch on purpose, the same old same old. It sort of faded in the background. I borrowed Daisuke Mifune CD from Motoko;

Cruel Angels Thesis.

Something interesting while I made my way to Franken-Frau's office. It was psych exam time and I was trying not to think about it. Time to put on the aura of being completely and utterly sane. What's the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist?

What happens if they think I'm not...competent to Pilot. Misato mentioned something about rehabilitation on the phone? Okay... I was perfectly sane... for now anyway. Rehabilitation? Does that mean they send me to some sort of Hospital, or just take me off the piloting roster until I'm more...stable?

I think I'm stable.

I sat on a lonely red chair in the corridor outside Akagi's office, tapping one foot on the floor impatiently. I probably should've changed out of my school uniform, but I had to be there on time... even if the Doctor didn't. At least it served to let me know who was the most important here.

In my opinion, I was mature for my age. I was uncomfortable with my gender, and I was terrified about discovering the disturbing truth about my past. I knew there was a disturbing truth. There was always a disturbing truth. I had half an idea of what it might've been, aside from the crash, but I had no idea what would happen if I actually remembered. There's a big difference between knowing what happened, and remembering it

I gave a sharp exhale and lent back as far as I could, stretching my arms up over my head, the blood pressure of a passing tech going up a notch before he hurried on. Well, I couldn't exactly blame him, I suppose... I was pretty athletic...

And I would've killed for something to read. What better way to learn the Japanese writing system than to read manga? That's how I justified it to Misato. Truth was, I just 'enjoyed the artwork' so to say. Old habits die hard, I guess. Even if lately, most of it had begun to seem vaguely... uninteresting.

If anything, it seemed a bit more detached and unrealistic.

Maybe because H-doujins were geared more towards the male mindset which I knew full well I was getting further and further away from with every passing day. It was getting hard to see myself as anyone but Noriko... despite the fact that I knew better. Each time I looked in the mirror in the morning, I felt that I had been looking at the same face for the whole of my life, and not just for the one month.

And, truth be told, I smiled in the morning to greet myself.

Maybe this psych test wouldn't be so difficult? A few questions, some 'Did you hate your parents' analysis. I could probably guess what was going to come up, all I had to do was repeat the same answers about amnesia, and maybe a few other ass-pulls, and so long as I kept my stories consistent, I wouldn't have a problem.

Which is exactly what I thought going into my second year mechanics exam, which I ended up failing... badly.

"Sorry I'm late Noriko, we can begin now."

Dr. Akagi's voice, but no Doctor. Only a sudden draft, the buzz of a door opening and a rustling of paperwork marked her passing. I didn't even have a chance to stand up before the door closed.

I followed her in, to doctor lighting up a cigarette when the door closed again behind me. She didn't even look up, she just leafed through a heap of print-outs of god knows what. the office was still a disorganized mass of paperwork, files, cats, cigarette buts and cold coffee cups.

"Strip naked and wait for me on the bet behind that screen, I'll be with you in a few moments."

I just sighed and got on with it. Probably just taking the chance to give me a check-up. Her office may have been smoky, but it was also damn cold. Somebody like to have the air conditioning set somewhere around arctic.

On the other side of the curtain, the doctors shadow kept leafing through papers.

"Captain Katsuragi did tell you about the Fifth child arriving tomorrow?"

"Yeah," I said.

Well, the one good thing about the Tokyo-3 school uniform was that it was easy to get out off. Undo two buttons, shake it off your shoulders and let it crumple to a heap at your feet.

"And that you'll be performing tests with prototype weapons against Unit 02"

"Yes..."

Misato had told me all of this. She really was a much better Guardian than the Doctor gave her credit for... more or less.

"And that the boy was raised at our facility in Germany. I'm told he's quite the bishounen. "

And that ruled Kensuke out right there. If he was from Germany, maybe Asuka would know him. I made a note to ask her when I got back.

"So, how is school anyway?"

"Fine... it's school. Nothing special."

And not much I wanted to say about it either

"What do you expect? Now just lay down on the bench, and I'll get started"

Dirty thoughts were warmer than cold vinyl, that was for sure. Cold enough to make the two thermometers to pop. Yeah... cold.

"Why are we doing this anyway?"

I'd prefer to still have clothes on in a cold concrete room.

"Well, we have to find a reason for the sudden spike in your sync ratio," she said, picking her favourite clipboard from beneath a stack of Cattopia magazines, "It's unlikely to be anything physical, but I'd like to rule that out unequivocally first. Unless you can offer another suggestion?"

"No," I mumbled.

It was obvious what she was doing. She was shaming me into speaking. Well no! I would never talk. I would never tell. Doctor Akagi would just have to have her wicked way with me.

Hehe... I giggled at that thought.

"What's so funny?" she inquired, a puzzled look falling across her.

"Nothing" I chuckled, "Nothing at all." Just a H-doujin named Housecall Heat featuring Rei and Ritsuko.

"Keep it to yourself then." There was something shiny in her hand. Stainless steel, with a menacing glint from an overhead light, and the reflection of a terrified naked girl. Just like Housecall Heat.

Silence... My lips were sealed. Resolve would save my day.

"Misato told me you had your period this last weekend..."

Snap. Alright... anything but that!

"The Eva did something weird," I muttered. As little information as possible, that's how to do it.

"Could you elaborate. Weird how?"

And she started her examinations anyway. I gave her a sour look. That wasn't how interrogations worked. I gave her the information she wanted... she didn't poke around my insides. That's how this sort of thing worked, right? The more I squeal, the less I scream. And all she was actually doing, was taking a skin sample from my leg. It was still a violation of the unspoken, unwritten and unmentioned code.

"It just...um..." how to describe this in less than a essay, "...got into my head."

"It's supposed to do that at high sync ratios. It's nothing to be alarmed about. You were startled, weren't you?"

I just nodded... Then twitched as her little tool bit another chunk off of a sensitive place on my shin.

"And what about it was so startling?"

"Well..."

I dithered on that, trying to think of some single way I could explain this without giving the truth away.

"It went into part of me, where I didn't want it to go to."

She hummed to herself, and continued poking and prodding me like a butcher pokes a cow before choosing the best cut.

"And what part might that be?"

Right as she went into another part of me I didn't want her to go. My whole body twitched... cold... something and sensitive skin did not mix.

"Just stuff, nothing serious,"

"It's serious enough if it can cause a swing in sync ratio like that."

"It's not..." I tried to wave it off. "I just don't like it,"

If I could've crossed my arms. I would've. Just to underline the point.

"It is very serious. If something similar were to happen in combat, to the point where your mind causes the EVA to shutdown," she pontificated, "it would be a dangerous situation,"

I glared at an air bubble on a ceiling tile. She was right, but in no way did I want to admit it. Go down that track, and there's only one place it would lead to. I gritted my teeth and screwed my lips together. She was right, technically. The Doctor stared at me over the edge of her clipboard, daring me to argue against her, and perhaps let slip some important detail, but I wasn't going to fall for that.

Silence fell, followed by a few a few more gruff pokes with something sharp, a new RFID tag in the shoulder, and a hospital gown was dropped on my lap, followed by some quick scratchings of a pen on a clipboard.

"Mammogram downstairs. IDS aswell," the Doctor ordered.

I sat up and frowned at the duck-egg coloured gown on my lap. No underwear, just paper between me and prying eyes.

"Can I wear a plugsuit instead?"

The question fell into a pit of silence, punctuated only the the rhythmic toc-toc-toc of a slow fan somewhere above that had chipped a blade.

"Interesting," said the Doctor. Almost as if a cell sample she had been studying did something slightly unusual. Not exactly worthy of a paper into itself, but certainly a paragraph or two, and a note somewhere down the bottom. She sucked on the end of her biro for a moment, considering something.

"It would take too long," she said.

I frowned, and she quirked a curious eyebrow back at me.

"Why not your uniform, if I may ask?"

Warily, I looked back at the crumpled heap of fabric sitting forlorn and unwanted on the floor. There was no real answer, just a preference, nothing more to it than that, and certainly nothing worth a second thought.

"I like it," I said. "It's comfortable,"

The doctor emitted a momentary hum, scratching another note onto her clipboard. Just another itty-bitty piece to a growing puzzle, one that was to be analysed and solved.

"It's also expensive, the gown will do for now. Unless you'd like to go nude..."

She flashed me a caustic grin over the lip of her clipboard. I answered with a dark scowl and a stiff lip. No... not a chance. A quick, rapid-fire glance between the gown and the doctor, and all will to resist crumbled. Why bother anymore? It's not worth it. With a resigned sigh, I pulled the light paper garment over my head. Just get this over with and get me home.

"Why do Angels never appear when I want them to," I mumbled.

"Excuse me?"

"Never mind..."

"It's not far. Down two levels to room RB26,"

That was easy for her to say. She was fully dressed. That same powder blue zip-sweater, knee length battleship-grey pencil skirt and dark tights combination she always wore beneath her lab coat. Every inch the professional woman. Was it a uniform? Or just a mind to occupied with bigger things to worry about choosing what to wear day to day?

Following her through the uniform corridors of NERV HQ, I couldn't help but remember those cheap B-movies, where the amoral scientist would put some poor unfortunate orphan through a hundred hellish experiments, with the final result being a half-insane superhuman with psionic powers and the ability to be the most dangerous thing in the 'verse.

Or being able to outfight Asuka, outshoot Misato, outcute Rei and generally save the world. That's what I'd be. Fit and Fighting. And with a few drops of Asuka's confidence and...somebody...I wasn't sure...who on my arm. Confident and strong, cutting a fine figure against a blue sky in a skintight plugsuit, long black hair billowing in the wind.

Oh well... It kept my mind off the techs watching me pass, or Ritsuko demanding 'Object PS4C-009' be delivered to the examination room.

"Nervous?" the Doctor inquired

"Cold," I shivered.

"The heating in the exam room is working, now hurry up. I have a meeting in a hour"

Room RB26, another room among thousands. Another room filled with ice-white machinery I didn't quite understand. It smelled of oil, and that same eye-watering pine disinfectant that seemed more suited to a hospital, than a military base. There was an actual linoleum floor beneath my feet, buffed and polished to a perfect shine. A workstation computer squatted in the corner, powered on and showing lines of kibble I couldn't, and didn't really want to. Beside it, wrapped in it's vacuum package, a fresh yellow plugsuit. The only dirt in the room was the concrete grit on the souls of my feet, which I was tersely instructed to rub off on some antiseptic laced mat.

Vivisection time.

"Take your gown off, and lay on the pallet beside the machine to your right," ordered the Doctor, leaving no room for discussion. "The less you move on the pallet, the less time the scan will take,"

More cold, slick vinyl which stuck to my equally cold skin. Exam room heating, my backside, it was just as cold here as anywhere else in this place.

"Don't be alarmed by the machine starting, and don't hold you're breath, breath normally"

"I'm not blonde," I deadpanned.

"And neither am I," the Doctor answered with an alto chuckle.

I just growled and lay there as servos began to whine around me. The whole machine buzzed and vibrated as it started to move, a heavy metal ring with some form of rotating scanner bolted to it. Unsettlingly, it sounded like preflight on an airliner. The scanner came to life with a jet roar, and a bolt of panic ran through my body.

"Don't move," ordered the doctor.

I gritted my teeth and closed my eyes. My breath came shallow and quick. It's just messing with my head that's all. Why does it have to be so dry in here? A cold sweat prickled across my skin as the machine began to move. It's just my mind playing tricks, nothing more. Mind playing tricks... mind playing tricks.

"You won't feel a thing, don't worry," Ritsuko said, but doctors never meant that.

My eyes were closed, but I could sense the monocular scanner slowly tracing itself over the curves of my body. I could feel the cold draft as it's electronic eye passed around my hips and up along my arm, whirring menacingly beside my head.

The doctor was discussing things with the computer terminal in front of her. It wasn't English, it wasn't Japanese, it was some sort of doctor language. Apoptosis, osmosis, and a hundred other -sis's I just didn't understand, but were absolutely fascinating to the faux-blonde.

"Misato tells me you have a box of possessions recovered from the crash, they should help with that problem of yours."

I gave nothing but an uninterested "Uh..". Another topic I didn't want to discuss.

"Physical objects from a persons past have been a useful recovery tool in similar cases."

"Uh-huh," was all I gave back.

"There was one woman in Hokkaido who suffered from an amnesia very similar to yours for quite some time. A similar sort of head injury, but less severe," she noted. "What eventually let to her recovery, was a photograph of a pet dog she once had as a child,"

Why couldn't she see that I just wasn't interested? Why did she have to push this particular topic?

"I'm quite content with where I am," I stated factually, hoping it'd be enough to change her track.

"And why is that?"

And the answer to that was a story in itself. The answer to that would have me locked up as a lunatic. I fidgeted as the scanner swept beneath me.

"I just am,"

"Well," huffed the doc, "I'd imagine that I personally, would like to know who I've been,"

There was something comforting about that. I was beginning to irritate her. And it served her right.

"I don't think it's important,"

"And why not?"

"It just isn't,"

That's my opinion. I'm not being drawn into an argument on it.

"These tests will take a lot longer if you aren't more conversational," she warned, her voice turning sour. Well good, let her get mad.

Silence, broken only by a sharp hiss as the doctor drew a quick breath through her teeth, and the ever-present whir of the scanner.

"I just don't want to talk about myself," I said, drawing a line under it.

"There's not much else to talk about,"

"There's the testing tomorrow," I tried to change the topic.

"There will be a briefing file prepared by the time you leave. It will detail the weapons and the tests to be performed."

And that's all I'll get, I sensed.

"Do you enjoy being an Eva Pilot?"

"Of course," I smiled back, relaxing on the bench. Success.

Another one of those curious "Hmmm's" of hers. What was so fascinating about me enjoying being an EVA pilot.

"I don't know exactly why... I just like being a Pilot."

"Well, if we can't find an answer in these tests, that may be subject to review,"

Oh what a deliciously veiled threat that was, I thought bitterly. And the really infuriating thing was, it wasn't in any way an empty threat. I wasn't dumb enough to think it was.

"Not being very subtle..." I mumbled under my breath,

"And neither are you," the Doctor shot back. "You're deliberately avoiding my questions, and being so obvious about it that it is quite clear to me that any answer you give, you think will be more harmful than outright refusal,"

Nailed it in one. Dammit she was so much smarter than me. The scanner lurched to a halt beneath my head, before running back on it's track on whining servos. The sound strained the ears as a building tension strained the room.

"I just don't want to talk about it. That's it?"

"And it's my job to find out why."

She swiveled around on her chair, crossing her legs as she turned to face me, fixing me with a sour glare. Her ever-present clipboard and pen sat on the worktop, beside a workstation PC with the outline of a teenager's body on it.

"The others can keep their secrets," I noted bitterly. "Why can't I?"

I sat up, and fixed her with a deadly stare as Akagi's visage darkened into angry scowl.

"None that might have an affect on their ability to do their job," Her voice was cold and deadly hard. "And it is expected that if that were the case, they would take constructive steps to deal with it."

"I am dealing with it!" I snapped back, then stuttered. If there was a line, I had the dread feeling I might've just crossed it. Whatever breeze there was, dropped from my sails. "I mean...something..."

Em... I threw a nervous glance at the machine beside me, then to the locked door.

"Yes." pushed the doctor, her features softening slightly in a way that just unnerved me even more.

Had she planned that?

"Well..." I swallowed, feeling myself standing at the thin end of a very long branch. I didn't know if I should be angry, or afraid of the woman sitting across the floor for me. I wanted to be angry, I wanted some of Asuka's fury and confidence, just to come out with something...

The air was laden with an expectant silence.

She'd gotten me up against the wall alright. I couldn't dodge out, I couldn't refuse. I had to answer. I had to give her something.

"I um..." My mouth had gone desert dry. "Well... I just don't want to because..." I stuttered, trying to say something..."I don't...want to... because," it was catching on the back of my throat. There had to be an answer I could give. I couldn't tell the truth. That'd lead to another why, and another, and a one way ticket to a solitary cell. Padded or not, depended on if she believed me.

"What?"

Tendrils of irritation crept back into her voice.

"I am...em..."

There was nothing I could say that wouldn't lead to another 'why' then another, and another. And I just can't deal with that, alright. And I can't even tell her that. It was frustrating, it was infuriating. I wanted Misato...

Ritsuko sighed, "Just put your chest in the scanner over there and don't fidget,"

I plodded across the floor to another white machine. I'd done this before anyway. At least thing where quite, except for the machine whirring away to itself. It would come up clean, of course, there would never be any doubt about that. The only thing it'd pick up was a small aluminium rivet that was so deep inside, it wasn't worth getting out.

I certainly couldn't feel it when I squeezed them, and there wasn't even the smallest mark. It wasn't the only metalwork under my skin anyway. My legs had more rivets holding them together than the Titanic. Given all the running I got up to, I hoped whoever'd done it, had done a better job than that old jallopy.

The doctor didn't say a word, that wasn't required by the test. Maybe she was plotting a new angle of attack, maybe I'd given her the information she needed, or maybe...hopefully, she'd just given up. I could stand there and hope, and weld my mouth shut just in case I 'volunteered' something.

The woman exuded irritation as she worked, noting things down as she went.

"I'm going to have to have a talk with Misato about your attitude," she said. And she would enjoy badmouthing me to my guardian, wouldn't she? "But it's too late to cancel tomorrow's certification tests. If there is is another 'anomaly' like yesterday, without proper explanation, then we may have to retire Unit 03 to reserve status, along with it's pilot."

I wasn't sure whether to be afraid of her, or not. I didn't know what to think. My body was shivering, and I don't think it was the cold anymore. It might've been the Siberian gaze Ritsuko had fixed me with. I didn't even look at her, staring down at my feet instead.

"Is there anything else you'd like to say for yourself?"

I had the right to remain silent, and I intended to use it. Anything I did say, can and will make things worse anyway at that stage.

"If that's the case, get suited up and get down to the simulator system. There's still over an hour left to run with the testing down there."

I was just thankful that it was over. I was left alone to change, while the doctor rushed off to another appointment. Get this test over with, get home, get fed and get to bed.

The plugsuit was comfortable. I was so confident of myself walking down to the simulator system, it was almost funny. I didn't mind the way the odd tech would snatch a glance. In that plugsuit, I was the 4th Children. I was an Evangelion Pilot. I knew exactly who and what I was.

And, thinking about it, maybe that might've been the reason I liked to wear it so much.

Unit 03 didn't do anything strange, not this time anyway. She was there, watching me still, but kept a comfortable distance. I could relax for a while and just enjoy the peace of it.

I...I

I jogged home as usual, weapons briefing stashed in a light grey folder in my backpack. I took the stairs instead of the lift, as usual. My keycard worked, as usual. I left my runners at the door, before skate-sliding my way along the same varnished wood floor as always. It wasn't an elegant glide, but it was more interesting than walking. Dinner was cooking, the air charged with the tang of fried ginger.

"If I can't have you all to myself, I don't want anything else from you," the television declared.

Half a mop of rust coloured hair was spread across the couch. "This film is stupid," snorted it's owner, stabbing at the television with the presser. Next channel...

Some pots where bubbling away merrily on the cooker, watched over by a mesmerised and hungry penguin. My stomach growled at the thought of food. Him and me both. It smelled like pork. Ribs? I wondered, liking my lips.

The chef himself was pecking away at the keyboard of his grey school laptop, poking at the same maths homework thing I'd done in class. The boy had his back to me, the words "Ikari 03" printed on his replica football Jersey. I wasn't sure what team it was from, no team I knew use purple and white as their colours.

"I'm Home"

It still came out as Tahdoyma. My accent was still so much heavier than my frame.

"Welcome Home," Shinji answered.

He didn't even look up from his work.

Asuka gave a half hearted wave over the back of the couch, then carried on kangarooing through all ten channels. Flick...flick...flick. The television post-Second Impact wasn't really that different to the rest of the world. It looked impressive at a quick glance, but when you got anyway close, you could see just how cheap and tacky it was. The actors were real, but half the sets were cardboard, and the others didn't exist anywhere but on some computer's harddisk.

"Welcome home, Noriko," another voice answered, appearing from Misato's room. She had her red beret and command jacket on, along with a devils grin on her face. Something was very, very wrong.

"Doctor Akagi called me at my office before I left, I wonder if you have any idea what she might've talked to me about?"

Oh...

"Nothing," I muttered,

"That's not what she said," said Misato, her sinister smile holding firm. "A childish attitude towards a superior?"

Misato might only have been four inches taller than me, but I suddenly felt half her size. Asuka's curious face appeared over the edge of the sofa, Shinji finally peeked over the lid of his laptop. The vultures were circling.

"Well," I composed myself, trying to at least generate some sense of righteous indignity,"She asked questions I didn't like,"

"Which was her job," staated Misato, her voice hardening chillingly, "And she told me you knew what she was trying to do, and that you deliberately tried to get in her way,"

Asuka was stuffling a giggle. I just wanted to run... somewhere.

"Well now, as your commanding officer, it's my duty to punish you, Pilot,"

She was enjoying it. The grin and wagging finger told me so. I hated Ritsuko Akagi so much.

"Trash duty, for the next two months. And if your attitude doesn't improve, perhaps some classroom lessons in proper Japanese politeness will help"

The judges gavel fell, and I just nodded silently, before moping over to the couch. It could've been worse. Rubbish was no big deal, but 'politeness classes'. She knew well how to threaten me. It wasn't fair... It just wasn't fair.

I sat beside Asuka, brooding. The TV chattered away to itself.

"What did you do to piss the Doctor off so much?" Asuka enquired. "She spent ten-minutes chewing Misato out while I had to wait in the car with Shinji,"

"I didn't think I was that annoying,"I stated defensively.

"Well, because of you, I had to spend ten minutes on the back seat of Misato's car with Shinji,"

I supressed a horrid giggle at that. Dirty minds...

"What?" the German girl blinked quizzically. "Ack!" she spat. "Not like that Fourth! Such a perverted little boy, he was forcing himself not to look at me the whole time we were there, but it was obvious how much he wanted to stare at me. He tried to deny it, but I was watching him the whole time,"

A soft groan drifted over from the direction of the kitchen, followed by the crack and fiss of a beer can being opened.

"He can't help it, he's a boy," I shrugged treasonously.

That reminded me of something.

"Asuka, you trained at NERV's German base, right?"

"What are you, stupid, Of course I did,"

I blew off a mild sting of irritation at that.

"Well, Unit 04's Pilot is supposed to have trained there too, Akagi told me...em... I was just wondering if you met him is all?"

"A German boy she said?" Asked asuka rhetorically, but I still nodded anyway. "I trained to be a pilot since before NERV was called NERV, and I don't remember ever hearing about another candidate, even for EVA's Five and Six,"

She paused, staring off in the direction of an old Sony CD player beside the television.

"There was a girl I met once, for some aptitude test or something, but that was before..." another pause, followed by a strange controlled breath."I was even selected to pilot. I was told to beat her, so I did,"

Asuka sighed,

"When I found out I was to be a pilot, I always thought that she was also candidate for Second Child who'd failed somehow. But, there were no boys that I remember, the only other children were too old, or too young"

Something seemed oddly familar about that, a gut feeling that was hard to ignore. I'd done similar testing when I myself had been a kid.

"Akagi definitely told me he'd been raised at NERV's German facility," I confirmed for the benefit of both of us, "And that he's supposed to be quit the bishounen,"

"Well, I've never heard of him," she stated confidantly, "And I knew just about everybody at Bielfield."

" There's no other bases in Germany?," I said, running over the list of facilities in my mind, just to make double sure.

"Nope," Soryhu shook her head.

"No other bases that we've deemed it necessary for you two to know about," Misato chimed in a wave of beer breath. "There's a lot of information about NERV that's 'Need to Know' and you two don't need to know"

Myself and Asuka exchanged glances. Despite Misato's playful tone, there was something terribly unsettling about that.

"So why was he trained at a base we didn't know about?" demanded Asuka.

Same question I wanted to ask

"Security," Misato smiled back. "And that's all I can tell you., I'm afraid. I knew about Noriko here, two months before you even arrived Asuka,"

.

The pair of us glanced at each other for a moment, then at Misato. Just because the two of us knew about the EVA's, didn't mean there wouldn't be a hell of a lot more goings on deep within the bowels of NERV than they would ever tell us. And I began to realise that there was more than was even shown suring the series actually going on. Maybe the Angels might remain the same, but this new pilot, this new Eva, they would change nearly everything else. Maybe for the better.

"As soon as a candidate child is found, I receive their file," Misato continued

"But if this boy was raised and trained at a NERV base, the wouldn't he be a lower numbered Child than Fifth?," Asuka countered. "We're designated in the order we're found, so he would've have to have been found after the Fourth child,"

"Ummm..." Misato faltered, and Asuka grinned a savage, almost predatory grin. Our guardian glanced down into the maw of her beercan for a moment, then fixed her gaze on Asuka.

Never underestimate how truly intelligent the Second Child actually was. It made me smile. Even if this was the last place I'd expected my little question to go. Asuka was only supposed to answer Yes or No.

"Well..."

"The pilots are designated in the order they are assigned to an Evangelion." stated Misato. "Not in the order of discovery,"

It was such an obvious ass-pull, even I could spot it. That meant Asuka definitely knew it was. Why would Misato want to lie to us? A dark frown crossed Asuka's features, and I feared she'd try and push the issue, I even expected her to, but she had more sense than that.

"Alright," she said simply, "He better be as cute as I've heard though. I need somebody more interesting than boring Shinji,"

There came another groan from the kitchen and the point died there, to Misato's visible relief.

"Oh, Shinji. I've heard he's looking forward to meeting you personally,"

"Who?" Shinji's head rose over the lid of his laptop once more

"The Fifth Child, Shinji. He's coming tomorrow," Misato answered him.

"Oh,"

And with that, Shinji returned to his work, Misato returned to her beer, Asuka returned to her channel surfing, and I returned to pondering this Fifth Child, and who he just might be. In anyways, I'd find out tomorrow.

And two extra EVA's and pilots could only be a good thing, when it came to crunch time, right? It couldn't be too bad.

I...I

I didn't know what impulse drove me to do it at 3am in the morning, but before I knew what exactly I was doing, I was on my feet and slowly padding my way through the apartment. I didn't know why, I didn't even try and rationalise it with myself, I just knew that I was going to face that stupid cardboard box right now, and that would be it.

Over and done with.

I could stare right into the plastic packing foam and only confirm my own identity. This will be easy.

Beside me, Asuka mumbled her way through another dream...or nightmare. Only Asuka knew, and she probably wouldn't remember in the morning anyway. I didn't dare wake her, a violent death awaited those who did. From Shinji's room, came a snore that reminded me of an overloaded tractor struggling up a series of steep hills. There was a long clagging draw up, followed by a sharp sigh of mechanical relief. From Misato's room, a shaft of light speared across the polished floor, and out into the living area, picking out the edge of the couch, a pair of tights crumpled in a heap on the ground, before finally glinting off the frame of a picture on the wall.

It didn't matter if the light was on, Misato always slept with the light on. Once, the bulb in her room blew, and she stayed awake all night watching television, instead of sleeping.

I sighed, asking myself if this was the right thing or not. I knew it wasn't, but I knew I had to do this now. I had to make this a non issue. Akagi might've been right, and it sickened me to almost admit it to myself. I had to deal with this, and the best way to do that, was to open that box.

Pandora's box.

I sighed, and steeled myself. This was the right thing to do. This was something I had to do. Bollox to it, where did Misato stash that bloody box? She goes out of her way to make it hard for me to ignore the thing, and then when I finally want it, I can't find it.

"Damn it," I snarled, rifling through the contents of the hot press. Under the water heater, hidden by towels and dancewear was... a box. Full of old shoes.

"Where is it?"

I sat down in the kitchen for a moment, my body wet with sweat. I didn't know if it was from fear, or from the heat of the water tank, or what. It was boiling hot in here. I flicked a few strands of damp hair off of my shoulders and tried to think.

Misato wouldn't have put it in her own room, would she?

I glanced over at the door. No way I could get in and out of there without waking her. Oh well, maybe I should just put it off until tomorrow. Get some sleep? Or some stress relief? No stress relief. I wasn't in the mood for it in any way at all.

I stood up... adjusting my underwear just in case sombody was watching. And then, there it was, nestled between the television, and the balcony door. The residential district of Tokyo-3 glittered in the night outside, trapped heat rising out of the concrete and steel buildings. The fortress buildings in the city centre stood apart, cloacked in their own darkness, except for pulsing red navigation lights on their rooves.

The city lights spilling through the glass-plate door highlighted the DHL box clearly in the dim living room. In the early morning gloom, it looked impossibly evil, a malevolant midnight purple cube, with a glint of a white label in one corner.

A chilling dread washed over me, followed by a firm sense of purpose.

I will do this.

I picked the box up, not to light, not to heavy. My heart hammered inside my chest, a frozen sweat condensing across my brow. I was shivering cold, and scorching hot at the same time. Too hot tho stay inside. Taking the box under one arm, I pulled the balcony door open with the other, the oil-starved runners giving a surprised squeal of pain as the moved.

The chill of the night rushed in and embraced me. I'd always preferred the cold to the heat. Heat always drained my energy, but the cold seemed almost to stoke me and drive me forward. The night was crisp and cool, with the scent of cheap washing powder carried on a gentle breeze from the drying clothes on the line outside. The moon was hiding behind some low cloud, but I could see well enough by the city light.

I steppped through the door, concrete grit scratching at my feet. And cool breeze lapped between my legs, sending a cold shiver bolting up my spine, and I wondered for a moment if going outside wearing nothing but white cotton panties and a t-shirt was a good idea.

I dropped myself down onto the plastic sunbed, placing the box carefullly on the ground at my feet.

And then I stopped.

And stared at it.

It seemed to stare back, as if a box could do that. A torn strip of parcel tape hung loose off the side, the flaps of the lid cracked open ever so slightly. Inside was only pure darkness. Terrifying, freezing darkness.

Darkness that threatened to erase my very identity.

I wanted to move, but my body just refused. I just sat, and stared. I didn't think about it, I didn't think about anything at all. My mind was locked up as solid as my body. So I just sat there on that sunbed and stared at it. Maybe if I stared long enough, it would open itself.

"This is stupid," I told myself.

"Sitting outside on a cold night, wearing only your underwear, that's stupid," a voice stated beside me.

Standing in the doorway was Misato, looking down at the box at my feet.

"I told you I was a light sleeper," she said warmly. "I heard you open the balcony door, and thought you were about to throw the box over the rail,"

I took a quick look over the edge, ten stories down to a sodium-orange street below, and wondered why I hadn't actually done that.

"I wanted open it," I told her

"You could have picked a better time,"

Misato was calm, she didn't seem annoyed at all. Her voice was safe, reassuring, trustworthy.

"I woke up wanting to," I said. "No back to sleep without open,"

"But you didn't..."

Because? She didn't ask straight up, she left it for me to chose to answer if I wanted, or if I could.

"If I did...em...maybe..."

And I didn't know where I was going to go with that. A cool silence decended on the pair of us, a gentle breeze rustling Misato's nightdress. It hung so loose from her body, it might almost have blown off by a stronger gust. My gaze tracked down her legs, then across the concrete floor to the box, still sitting there.

"You're afraid of what's in it," finished Misato. "And how it might affect you,"

Silence.

I nodded. "How you guess?"

"Experience," she chuckled softly, throwing me a knowing wink.

I wasn't tense, I wasn't afraid. I was a lot more comfortable than I thought I should've been. Misato was so much nicer than the Doctor, Misato could be trusted. Misato wouldn't harm me. Oh well, here goes...

"I...um...I open this and memory might come back." I said, trying to wing it. "I really am not wanting to remember now, it..."

No, I couldn't say why.

Misato sighed again,

"That's your choice to make, Noriko," she said her tone cooling slightly. "It might seem the safe option, but in the long run, you might find you regret it more that you didn't than..."

I nodded,

"But well..." how do I put this? "I want to move forward. I do not want to remember, because might end up...em...stuck in past and stay."

Well, that was the only way I could really say it. I watched as Misato thought about it, almost pleading that she didn't push it any further, or that she might understant what I was trying to say.

"You can't move forward, if you don't know what's behind you." she said, very slowly, very deliberately, each word carefully chosen. "You might think that you're taking a step in the right direction, but without knowing where you've been, how can you know where you're going? How do you know you aren't just doubling back, and dooming youself to retread the same path over and over again? If you don't know your mistakes, how can you learn from them, how can you be sure that you're not just endlessly repeating them?"

I didn't know what to do, or say. I drew a long breath in through my nose. I knew what she was saying. I knew if I'd been 'normal' she would've been right. And I wasn't sure she wasn't right anyway. The sky behind the mountains was beginning to brighten ever so slightly. The inside of the box was still jet black.

I stared into it once more.

Should I?

"But, it's not for tonight, Noriko. It's late, so get to bed, tomorrow will be a long day. Remember, we have to be at the Geofront by 9 a.m."

Her soothing smile returned.

"Yeah, I understand." I smiled back.

I stood up again, shivering in the cold, taking the box under my arm again. I gave one last glance inside before stepping back inside the apartment. A flash, a glint of silver deep in the black, caught in the light spilling from Misato's room

"That's it," I screeched, Misato nearly jumping out of her clothes with fright.

I punched my arm in towards the glint, gripping something cold and metallic. I pulled it free, a few stray beads of packing foam following it onto the floor. My bracelet, the same one I'd taken out weeks earlier. Blued and scorched stainless steel, with my name engraved on a burned plate, some of the letters picked out in soot.

"What?" Misato spun round, concern written across her features.

"This," I grinned back, holding the steel bracelet up to here. "This what I wanted Misato,"

My guardian bliinked owlishly, as if to say 'Is that all?' And, strangely, it was. I closed it around my arm, the latch giving a sharp metallic snap as it closed around my left rise. That was the right place for it.

I was so glad to have it, and I had no idea why.

"Goodnight Noriko," Misato said, dissapearing into her rooms light, before the door closed behind her and sealed me in darkness.

"Night," I answered, but I doubt she heard me. I heard the thud as she dropped back onto her bed.

And there I was, with Shinji still snoring away behind the door beside me. I left the box back where I'd gotten it from, then went back to bed. I kept the bracelet on my arm as I slipped back down under my bedsheets.

Nice and warm.

Asuka shuddered beside me, tossing in her bed. She never did sleep easy. I flicked my wrist, listening to the bracelets metallic clack before I turned over to face the wall, and drifted off into a restful sleep.

Tomorrow was going to be a long day alright. An entertaining long I wasn't going to be taking that bracelet off again unless I could help it. Why it was so special that I had to get up in the middle of the night to get it, I had no idea. I'd no idea what had even sparked the desire.

But it was too late to worry about it, and it just wouldn't seem as big a deal in the morning.

I...I

And that's that. After nearly 1 whole year, and about 20 pages of false starts, this is done. 40-odd pages of .odt. Maybe, it could've done without the Haruhi bits... but I wanted some comic relief, and real life is full of weirder people.

Don't forget to R+R folks... please... with sugar on it :(

-Dartz