Clarke broke every speed limit on the way up to the lake house. It was a 3 hour drive and based on when she left, it would be nearly 11pm by the time she arrived. Lexa was due to depart back to NYC at 2pm the following day. It didn't give her much time, but she was hoping she'd be able to at least get Lexa's side of the story before shit hit the fan back at Lexa's headquarters in New York.
Clarke found the hidden key easily, she had been to the lake house nearly 50 times so everything still felt familiar. She was fairly confident Anya would have told Lexa by now that she was on her way there; but in reality, Clarke didn't know whether Lexa would run from the idea of seeing Clarke again or not.
She hadn't been to the house since a few months before Lexa left. She had fallen off of scaffolding that she was using to complete a project on the house. One of many projects. When Lexa bought the old wore down colonial house they had made a plan to fix it up and eventually move out of the city and raise a family there. Clarke now knew the scaffolding was faulty due to Nia, and part of her was upset she never came out while Lexa was gone to finish any of the projects they had going.
She entered the house cautiously, not sure what to expect when she arrived. What she saw when she entered blew her away. Lexa must have worked for months on the old house. The stairs that were barely usable had been turned into a magnificent work of art. Mahogany wood lined the hand rail with intricate dark metal rails. The studs that had been makeshift walls now covered in plaster and paint. But the thing that took Clarkes breath away was what hung on the walls. A collage of pictures, from their first date, to Clarke's graduation from college, to Lexa's birthday. It was a timeline of their whole relationship. Clarke softly traced the frames of each photos, every image bringing more and more memories to the fore front of her mind. The deeper she got into the hallways the more tears brimmed her eyes.
Slowly, she made her way to the open kitchen and great room. Where once stood empty pipes and stacks of plywood now held the kitchen Clarke had planned out with Lexa so many years ago. The cherry cabinets that Clarke had spent hours debating about, the granite countertop that took equal amount of deliberation. It was everything Clarke had chosen. Even the handles to the cabinet drawers. Her eyes wandered around the space for what seemed like hours until she made her way across to the fireplace of the great room. What stood before her was the photograph Clarke had left for Lexa at their penthouse of their 1 year anniversary hanging over the magnificent marble fireplace.
As her tears fell she thought back to how much time and love and commitment Lexa put into the whole house. Every decision they had made together put into account. Even the oak wood floor Lexa was adamantly against but Clarke fell in love with sitting there before her. She tried to wrap her mind around the hundreds of hours Lexa must have spent making each detail as perfect as Clarke had imagined it to be. How much pain Lexa must have gone through remembering every detail they had talked about over the years.
Clarke made her way back to the large couch of the great room, eyes never leaving the photograph she had left nearly 15 months before. The only picture she couldn't bear to break in her fit of rage. She had been in the house nearly 15 minutes, though it felt like a day with all the emotions rolling through her mind. Suddenly, she was surprised by a familiar voice.
"I'm really glad you decided to save that one" Lexa spoke. "It really is one of my favorites"
"How...?" Clarke muttered, her eyes still shedding tears. "H-how did you manage to do all of this?"
"I had a lot of time of my hands." Lexa was cold, but not bitter in her response. She stilled loved Clarke, she could never stop, but the Clarke sitting in front of her was lost, scared even. Attributes Lexa had never seen on the girl she so deeply loved.
Clarke made her way from the couch, composing herself as she went. Her goal was to make it to the kitchen for a glass of water but again Lexa's voice caught her mid step.
"What are you doing here Clarke?" Lexa was quick enough to grab the others hand and spin her around to face her, nearly catching her as she fell into Lexa's arms. Clarkes head landing on Lexa's shoulder where she had always felt right, tears falling from the younger girl again.
They just stood there, Lexa's arms wrapped around Clarke, holding her shaking body. Lexa allowed Clarke to get everything out of her system before she moved the girl to the kitchen island barstools to sit her down. Making her way to the sink to fetch Clarke a glass of water, and then slowly sliding it across the island.
"Thank you... I'm.. I'm sorry about this." Clarke said pointing to her face with smeared makeup and red puffy eyelids.
"You don't have to apologize Clarke... Just tell me why you came?" Lexa was not expecting a chuckle from the, clearly still, immature girl in front of her. "Clearly you haven't grown out of the dirty mind jokes..." Lexa's voice edged with laughter of her own.
"I'm sorry... Living with Raven for a couple months just made my mind dirtier really..." "I am here because I can't let you go through with this... With the deal.. The buy out or whatever the hell you're calling it.
"Anya has been calling it The Reaping, but honestly Clarke it's already done. Backing out now isn't an option."
"Everything can be fixed..." Clarke's voice was stern now, full of composure. "This company is your life Lex, you can't give that up for me or anyone else." Clarke paused, trying to figure out the wording for what came next. "I have always admired your heart, it's something no one else gets to see... But... you walked away from us, your family. You lost us, don't give up the rest of what makes you, you. You're trying to protect us, Raven, Octavia and I; and I could never be more grateful, but we're capable of taking care of ourselves. You don't have to always be the protector, let us protect you..."
"Clarke" Lexa's voice was just as stern. "It is done. What will be, will be and I have accepted that." What came from her mouth next would be much harder. "I gave up my happiness to protect you, I hurt the people I love the most to stop the 'accidents', to stop the pain. Can you really tell me that it hasn't been refreshing to not get a phone call with one of our friends in the hospital? Can you really tell me that you'd risk Octavia's life, or Raven's life, or m- Matt's life for your art? If you had the choice to make, we both know what you'd choose."
"They'd never ask that of me... Just like we aren't asking it of you." Clarke was turning colder by the moment, clearly upset by Lexa's last statement and the mention of Matt. "And secondly, don't presume you still know me or the choices I'd make, Lexa. I'm not the little girl you left all those months ago. I've grown up. I am fully capable of taking care of myself, I don't need you anymore..." Clarke was just as surprised as Lexa with what she had just said. "I mean, I-I don't need you to take care of me..."
Lexa's defense mechanisms were kicking in. Though Clarke tried to cover her statement, she knew what she had said was true. Clarke didn't need Lexa anymore, and that hurt much more than the slap in the face she had gotten at the gallery.
"Okay." That's all Lexa said before she made her way outside to the patio. Stoking the fire she had made earlier, and lighting up a cigarette she sat back into the chair she had earlier occupied. She would remain composed, she wouldn't let Clarke see her pain or vulnerability, not now.
Clarke sat for a while at the kitchen island, trying to compose herself. She knew Lexa would be bottled up. Lexa was good at that, hiding her emotions from the world. What Clarke also knew was that she was the only one who could see right through the façade that Lexa put up. She made her way outside right as Lexa was lighting up a second cigarette.
"So… you're a smoker now..?" Clarke asked somewhat disgustedly.
"I guess so, if that's what you want to assume." Lexa didn't look up from the fire.
"Lex, you know I didn't say that stuff to hurt you... I just, I just need you to know that I'm okay, on my own. I don't need you to take care of me anymore."
"You made that perfectly clear, Clarke."
"Stop that. Stop all of this. Look what you're doing to yourself, to the people who still care about you. It's killing all of us knowing what you're giving up. If you don't want to do it for me, do it for Raven, you know, your employee. Or for the thousands of other people who will be effected by this. You have to know that Nia won't keep Raven onboard, or those who are faithful to you and your leadership."
"I've already addressed those items. Raven will have a job, you do not need to worry."
"Of course, you're attention detail is never off, is it?" Clarke was now just as cold as Lexa, although she didn't want to be. "You know, I'm not just one of your cronies that you can talk down to and it is okay because you're the boss."
"You want to talk business Clarke; this is business, it's not personal, it's not emotional." Lexa stated impersonally. "And for the record, if any of my employees spoke out to me the way you have tonight, they'd no longer be employees."
"Jesus Christ, Lexa! Stop doing this! Stop closing me out! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to say I didn't need you. I do need you..." Clarkes voice was shaking now, close to slipping. "I.. I.. Don't just need you Lexa..." Tears were forming in the blonde girls eyes. "I... I want you... And I don't know how to stop wanting you, or loving you, or hating you, or feeling all these feelings I feel for you. Even after a year, even after you left, you're all I want, you're everything I want!" Clarke was in full blown sobs now. "Why don't you just fucking understand that?! Why did you leave me?! Why did you give me up?! You always said you'd be there for me, protect me, take care of me... Love me..." Clarke tried to regain herself to no avail. "But..but all I feel from you is hate, and anger and resentment."
Lexa was just as caught off guard as she had ever been. Words wouldn't come to her, minutes passed and she didn't say anything just watched the girl next to her cry into her hands.
"God, why am I so stupid... I shouldn't have said any of that... Fuck... Why would you even fucking care?" Clarke's words were almost unintelligible but Lexa got the gist right as Clarke got up to leave.
Lexa hopped up much faster and brought the girl into her arms. Holding her with one arm on her back the other right below her ear, prompting Clarke to look her in the eyes. Eyes that now held tears of their own, threatening to fall.
"I'm sorry Clarke, I am so, so sorry for everything I put you through." Lexa's voice was cracking as she looked deeply into blue orbs in front of her. "I have always loved you, I never stopped. You are... You're my whole heart Clarke." Lexa knew somewhere inside that this was everything she needed to say but at the same time she was also not allowed to. Not anymore. Clarke was committed to someone else, what she wanted to do wasn't right, wasn't respectable. "Clarke, I-I want you, I want us, but we-we can't, I can't." With that Lexa let go of her grasp, instead moving her hands to Clarke's hands, eyeing the large engagement ring still set on her left hand.
Clarke felt loneliness at the loss of Lexa's touch. She wanted more, needed more, and the heat growing in her belly was turning to a raging fire.
"Lexa, please... We aren't okay, we won't be for a while, but I-I need you, just at least... Hold me? Please?"
Lexa took her cue with more enthusiasm than she'd normally show. Arms grasping Clarke in the same manner she had just recently let go of. Lexa's resolution slipping as she stared deeply into Clarke's longing eyes. Eyes she would never forget, eyes that she saw in her darkest nightmares filled with sadness and longing. Clarke looking at Lexa like she held the world in just her touch. They stayed there... Holding one another, Clarke's hands drawing circles on Lexa's lower back, Lexa softly rubbing her thumb up and down Clarke's jawline. If there was true peace, it was in this moment they shared after so many days and months apart. Their foreheads leaned on one another, eyes closed now, just feeling each other's presence. Lexa knew what she wanted, she knew Clarke wanted it as well, but neither could move. Clarke knew her desires would hurt Matt, Lexa knew Clarke would hate herself for hurting Matt as well. What Lexa never told Clarke, was how she knew Matt Hubbard, which was something she knew would be soon to catch up to her, but now was not the time.
"Lexa..." Clarke moved to kiss the girl in front of her. Her heart talking strongly over her head. Lexa withdrew just slightly, seeing the hurt on Clarke's face made her reconsider but she knew this wasn't right.
"Clarke... Trust me, there is nothing in the world I want more... Than this... Right here. But I can't... I can't be that person to let you give up on everything you believe in. You're not a cheater, you love Matt, and I will respect that. I-I have to respect that..." Lexa's voice was pained. She had missed Clarke's touch for so long, being in this moment was far harder than going months without the girl she loved. Having to walk away from the touch she had so desperately yearned for, but this was the right decision. This was the honorable decision. "If-if I ever get this again, I want it to be true. To be honest, not an act of desperation or some night we just walk away from and return to our separate lives. Doing this now would hurt both of us, not to mention Matt, and cause more confusion to already high emotions."
"I know... I know you're right..." Clarke sounded like a scared child. Her eyes forming tears again to know that Lexa was still Lexa, honorable, honest and true. She was still protecting Clarke, she always would.
"Come on... It's late. You should get to bed." Lexa prompted. Taking Clarke's hand in hers and leading her through the house and up the grand staircase. They made their way down the hallway, Clarke taking in the new paint, and plaster which had once been patchy holes.
"I still can't believe you did all of this Lex. It's amazing."
"It's what you always wanted..." Lexa responded matter-of-factly.
"You remembered everything..."
"How could I forget? It was important to you, so that made it important to me."
Lexa showed Clarke into the master bedroom, she set Clarke's bag on the bed, then made her way into the bathroom. Lexa turned on the water in the shower to warm up for Clarke, getting a fresh towel and wash cloth out of the linen closet as she went. While Lexa was doing that, Clarke soon realized this was the room Lexa had been staying in. Her glasses were on the bedside table, along with her cell phone and laptop. Clarke was happy Lexa had decided she could stay with her tonight. Even if it was just as friends, she liked Lexa close, she felt the loneliness fade. Lexa made her way out of the bathroom and left Clarke to her shower.