Hey!

I'm updating waaay too soon those days, don't get used to it I'm not sure I'll be able to keep it up long.

Anyway. My beta is back (yay!), so I hope less mistakes.

Here we have some Bellatrix' insight.

WARNINGS: Urrh, torture I guess? It's non-graphic though. I think. It's just Bellatrix, I mean what else can you get?

Disclaimer: I dunnot own OUaT or HP.

Enjoy!

Chapter X.

The forest was oppressing, the branches hovering above her, threatening. She had run, earlier that day, she had run and intended never to come back. But she had no idea where to go, or what to do. She now realized the Queen had been a welcomed distraction, a way out; and she had one no more. She was left alone with her thoughts, her doubts, her fears, and she found she couldn't breathe anymore. Everything seemed to close in on her, and she was suddenly terrified, and all she wanted to do was disappear and never return. She was drowning inside her own mind, incapable of discerning what was real, what was imagined, which were memories and which were fantasies.

She had been able for so long to repress all remorse, never thinking about the consequences of her actions. She had done her best to close her mind and her heart; never letting anyone hurt her again. She had chosen an easy way out, a perfect solution to erase all painful memories. She had been shaped into a monster, and her worst regret was that she had let it happen. She didn't fight back, and she didn't even remembered why. All she knew was that she had been broken and remodelled, and she hadn't cared at the time. Now that she thought about it, she knew she should have rebelled against them, prevented them from removing every part that made her human. They made her a monster, a very proficient one, and she had marvelled in it.

However, she was regretting her actions, and most of all, she was feeling guilty about how compliant she had been. In order to break someone they have to give up and she did, she gave up everything, she forgot all about a future, forgot about what it meant to be happy. She didn't believe anymore, and she set her mind on the easiest thing: hurting people to forget her own pain. In her years of suffering, she had bounded to the worst person she'd ever known, and yet even now she couldn't regret that. She knew her Lord was a bigger monster than she was, and she knew nothing about him was lovable. And yet, yet she couldn't resent him, couldn't fault him for all the pain and misery he brought upon her.

She found that she hated him. She hated him for being the man he was, for having been so attractive. Not physically, of course, but everything with him was easy and letting go of any empathy had been the most natural thing to do. He made her feel free, even if she was anything but. The man was a sadist, a monster, and he ended up hurt her more than anyone before him. She trusted him blindly, had given up on her soul for him, and done every crime and gone in the worst place on earth. And yet, he lost faith in her, he punished her for silly mistakes and he didn't trust her no more. It was then that she broke down completely, when she noticed he didn't rely on her anymore. It destroyed any belief that she had left, and it made her forget what it was all about. It wasn't just worth it anymore, and she knew at the moment the Weasley cursed her she wasn't going to fight for her life.

She now realized that, ultimately, she had welcomed the punishments. In the end, being cursed into oblivion made her feel better about her horrific actions. She felt she deserved it, not because she had failed her Lord, but because she was a demon that deserved nothing less than a lifetime of suffering, and then some. She knew, deep down, she would never be able to redeem herself. Penance seemed too far away, and she didn't know if she wanted it anyway.

In the end, she didn't understand why she lived, and what was the purpose of it all. She thought that maybe, her never ending curse will be seeing the dead eyes of her victims in her sleep, hearing their screams of agony in the silence. Maybe she had to relive the endless tortures and live with the fact that she, the big bad Bellatrix Black, had caused such misery.

She suddenly remembered of a time when she had promised herself that she would never become her tormentors. She had sworn she wouldn't hurt unless she had to. She had looked into her sisters' eyes, glistening with tears, and she had been determined not to be the person making them cry, never again. She had lied to them and to herself, she had betrayed her soul and everything she believed in. She had become her own tormentor, had inflicted as much pain as them, and she had made her sisters cry once again.

The other two Blacks were her light, and when 'Dromeda went off with that mudblood it had broken her heart. She had always believed that if they stick together they would be invincible. But it had been wishful thinking, she now realized. It was never meant to happen. The day Andromeda was disowned was the day Bellatrix started to loose herself. She was loosing grasp with reality, retreating into her mind more and more. She never talked about her sister after that day. Narcissa had been worried, of course, but the girl had her own problems. Bella didn't blame her; marrying that git Malfoy was hard on its own.

If she had to think about it, the dark-haired witch would have to say her own marriage to Rodolphus was the breaking point. Everything she had done, she had done in order to protect her sisters. She was the eldest, and it was her curse. When she had no one to protect no longer, she began to fall apart, and she lost sight of her purpose. She assumed Narcissa didn't need her anymore, now that she was married to her blond annoying idiot, and Bella let go.

Somehow, still, she never stopped loving her sisters. A love like that doesn't die. Yet she did her best to forget about it, as it was easier.

The truth was a cold slap in the face and she was surprised she hadn't realized it sooner. She was a coward. She was completely and definitely a coward. How's that: the feared Death Eater, no more than a coward running from difficulties at the first opportunity. Running so fast she had forgotten how she was. She was cowardly beyond help, and nothing was going to change that fact.

It's well know it's easier not to feel anything. It's understandable, too. Guilt would rip her apart.

Yet here she was, lost in the middle of an unknown forest, cold to the bone, overwhelmed by unforgiving emotions. She wanted to rip her own heart out, she wanted to be numb again, to forget about the faces and to be deaf to the screams. She couldn't; she couldn't and deep down she knew that she shouldn't.

Because of those eyes.

They had held so much fear, so much disgust it still made Bellatrix ache. In that solemn moment, back at the Manor, she had seen herself in those chocolate orbs. She had seen the monster she was, and she had been disgusted with herself. Yet, once again, she took the easy way out. She did what she did best: she inflicted pain. She inflicted pain to erase what she saw, to forget about the look in her eyes. She was almost certain she had seen pity in those eyes, and she had wanted to slap it out of her. She ended up making her scream.

Of all the terrible things she did, this night was the worst on her conscience. This girl was innocence incarnate. But it hadn't stopped Bellatrix before, and it hadn't stopped her this time either. Yet strangely, she couldn't cope with this one. She had been overwhelmed by guilt ever since, and she didn't understand why that was. She didn't feel guilt. Her heart was dead. She had made sure of it.

Since this night, still, emotions were ambushing her when she least expected it, and it was unnerving. It happened again this morning, when the Queen had dropped that name. It had brought up unexpected feelings, and she couldn't cope with them. She felt frightened, as she didn't understand what the purpose of her survival was. She wanted to yell at the sky, to rip herself apart, as long as she didn't have to live like this anymore.

Sometime along the day, she had fallen asleep. She was exhausted, and she didn't even resist it. She didn't mind that her bed was made of leaves, or that her bedroom was the canopy. She didn't feel afraid about her surroundings, and she only clutched her wand tighter between her fingers, pressing her hands against her chest. It didn't take more than a second after she dropped her head on the unforgiving ground.

As per usual, her dreams were haunted by nameless faces, and bloodcurdling screams. She moved in her sleep, restless, undisturbed by the nature around her. Nothing to wake her up, nothing to jerk her out of her nightmares.

She screamed herself awake. Her voice broke through the silence, reaching beyond the forest. She had witnessed her sisters dying at her own hands, all the while begging for mercy. She had showed none, torturing them to insanity and then death. The last thing she'd seen was those eyes: filled with tears and incomprehension.

She knew why she had reacted strongly at murdering her sisters, but she didn't understand why the look in the girl's eyes was having so much effect on her. She was panting, and her chest was heavy. Silent tears were running down her cheeks, and she felt like her heart was breaking all over again in her chest. The only thing she knew was that she never wanted to see that look in Hermione's eyes ever again. Then again, she thought, it wasn't like she was going to see her anytime soon. She laughed bitterly at the thought, and she angrily wiped the tears away.

She suddenly heard voices coming her way, and she frantically looked around her, seeming to remember where she was. She narrowed her eyes, trying to discern who was coming her way through the darkness. Unable to see anything, she sighed and whispered lumos, the tip of her wand instantly producing light.

"Bellatrix?" The voice was closer, and the witch had trouble recognising it. Somehow she believed she heard it before.

"I see light over there." It was another voice, and this one she knew. She almost ended her spell, but thought against it. She watched as the two persons finally made their way towards her, and frowned at the apparent relief she saw on both faces.

"God, Bellatrix, I'm so glad you're all right." It was the mutt talking, and she decided not to acknowledge her. When frightened, she went back to her old ways. Instead, she settled her gaze on the Queen, who seemed strangely quiet.

"You gave us quite the fright there, Madame Black." She said simply, crossing her arms on her chest, covered in a thick coat. She noticed the wolf wasn't, and thought it was probably because of the animal she was. She snorted, causing Regina to raise her brows.

"Something funny? Do you understand you could have been injured?" The Queen asked, a strange tone in her voice. Bellatrix recognized it for care, and it unnerved her. She didn't understand how somehow could care about a monster like her. She chose not to answer and rose to her feet, slightly wavering on her feet. She saw Ruby advancing on her, trying to grasp her elbow to steady her, and Bellatrix stepped back, putting her wand between her and the mutt.

"Do not touch me, filth."

The air shifted, and the moment stilled between the three women.

There was something about the witch, something Regina couldn't quite grasp. She seemed different, and not in a pleasant way. She had thought they had made progress, during the last few days, but they seemed to go backwards now. Bellatrix had a dangerous vibe that Regina knew all too well. The woman acted like a cornered animal, she seemed frightened, and from the looks of it, she had been crying. She didn't quite understand why, but that thought unnerved her.

"Bellatrix." Her voice was tentative, almost soothing, and she stepped towards Bellatrix, careful.

"Don't come any closer." The tone was as tense as the witch's posture, and Regina fought not to step back. That wand was now aimed at her, and she swallowed.

"Now dear, calm down." It seemed to have the opposite effect, as Bellatrix was even more jumpy than before. She sneered, and Ruby stepped closer as well.

"I said, don't come any closer." Her fingers were tight against the wood, and small sparks seemed to shot from the wand. It was not unlike Regina's own magical breakdowns.

"Have you been crying?"

The time stopped. Ruby talked before thinking, as per usual, and Regina wanted to face-palm. If Emma was capable of noticing the two broken women were alike, how come the wolf didn't get the memo as well? She should have imagined saying that to the Queen, and the consequences. Making a woman such as Bellatrix know her moment of weakness didn't slip attention was never a good idea. Never.

She saw it happen, and she didn't even know why she did such a foolish act. The unstable woman snapped her wand towards Ruby and she only whispered, a wicked grin steady on her lips.

"Crucio."

By the time the spell hit Ruby, Regina had already thrown herself in between.

The sensation was the worst thing she ever experienced. It felt like thousands of needles piercing her skin while being plunged into iced water. The pain was excruciating, and she heard a scream, and it took her a moment to notice she was the one screaming herself raw. She was shaking, and she bit down on her lip so hard blood ran down her chin. The moment seemed to last forever, when it was only mere seconds. Ruby was wrestling the older woman for her wand, and suddenly the spell was lifted.

Regina now understood what she did to torture was just child's play compared to this. She had wanted to beg for death, wanted to spill her darkest secrets, to make her stop.

She was still on the cold ground, shaking uncontrollably, tears in her eyes and blood in her mouth. She stared at the skies.

"Red?" Her voice was raw from screaming, and she fought to turn her head towards the last place she'd seen the witch, spitting out a mouthful of blood. She was lucky she didn't cut her tongue out during the unfortunate torture session.

She saw Ruby leaning over an unconscious body, chest heaving, and she knew that the wolf had knocked Bellatrix out. Regina coughed again, and Red's eyes snapped towards her. Recognition flickered in her irises, and the Queen watched her hurrying towards her, and she let out a sigh when she kneeled next to her.

"Regina, oh my God, I'm so sorry." The older woman shook her head slightly and winced at the pain, causing Ruby to apologise again and again.

"R-Red. Stop." She stopped instantly and Regina sighed again, trying to get up, unsuccessfully.

"Could you, please?"

"I don't think you should get up, let me get some help. I'll be right back." Ruby made a move to stand up, and Regina lifted her end to stop her.

"No, stay here. I just need to get up. I'll be fine." She tried to smile, but her teeth were tainted with blood and it was chilling.

"Alright. Hold on." She grasped Regina's shoulders and held her upright, sitting at first.

"You shouldn't have done that, you know. I can take a little pain." Ruby tried to joke, but her attempted failed miserably.

"No. I wouldn't wish that kind of pain upon my worst enemy, Red." She finally wiped the blood from her lip, and managed to get on her feet, leaning slightly on the wolf, who chose wisely not to answer anything.

"How did you knock her out?"

"I punched her."

If the answer would normally have offended her, she simply nodded.

"Well thank you." To say the truth, she was glad Ruby had muscles. She didn't know how she would have coped if she had stayed under that curse a while longer.

When she could finally stand on her own, she drew a deep breath, and stepped closer to Bellatrix. She watched her contemplatively, running her hands on her pants-suit in a soothing gesture.

"She's going to be mad when she wakes up." She felt Ruby nod beside her, and she smiled a bit.

"Maybe you should restrain her?" Regina seemed to think about the question, but shook her head ever so slightly. Moving too much hurt.

"No. I'm taking away her wand though. That thing is dangerous."

She watched as Ruby dropped to one knee, catching the wood warily before handing it to Regina, biting her lip in worry. The Queen gripped it slightly, half expecting magic to course through her body, but didn't show her disappointment when nothing happened. Deep down, she could understand how so much power was attractive. She bet that on the over her of the stick, Bellatrix had felt powerful. Who could blame her?

"We should go. Do you think you can carry her?" Regina looked at Ruby, brows raised. When the other woman nodded she turned on her heels, slowly making her way back to her house, the lanky brunette on her feet.

"Are you sure you're all right, Regina?" She asked, and the Queen wanted to sigh.

"I will be."

"Was because of what I said?"

For a second, Regina wanted to lie, say that the witch was just unstable. But she couldn't.

"Yes." She saw the wolf's head drop, and she sighed once again, stopping to put her hand on Red's shoulder.

"Don't. It happened, and we'll make sure it doesn't happen to anyone else here, or wherever." She looked at Bellatrix, thoughtful, and bit the inside of her cheek. "Something must have triggered it though. We must find out what."

They resumed walking then, the lights of the town coming into view. Regina was nearly panting, exhausted from the physical and emotional pain. She couldn't wait to settle into bed.

"I think she had a nightmare." Regina looked beyond her shoulder to stare at Ruby, thinking about how right she must have been. It explained the sudden shift and the different atmosphere surrounding the witch. She simply nodded, and finally made it into her backyard, opening the back door and letting Ruby in.

"Where should I put her?"

"On her bed."

They went upstairs and the lanky woman settled Bellatrix gently on her bed, Regina watching the scene from the door. When Ruby came back toward her, she went out, and closed the door behind her, summoning her little strength to place charms on the bedroom.

"What are you doing?" The tone wasn't accusing, merely curious.

"Setting wards of some sorts. It'll tell me when she wakes up and prevent her from living the room."

Ruby nodded, and they watched each other for a while, in a pleasant silence. Eventually, the wolf shifted and bit her lip.

"Well, I'm gonna … head out now. I … Thank you, Regina."

The Queen frowned slightly at the idea of letting Ruby go, and she shook her head, grasping the wolf's wrist when she brushed pas her.

"No. Stay. Please. I don't want to stay alone." She dropped her gaze as she admitted her weakness, biting the inside of her cheek once again. The other woman wordlessly nodded, but muttered an okay when she noticed Regina didn't see her assent. Almost shyly, the former Mayor looked up at her again, and smiled a bit. She tugged on her wrist and led her into her bedroom. Letting her wrist go, she rushed into her dressing room and pooled out pyjamas for her friend — she deserved that title, after all, or so Regina thought and hoped.

It took them no more than ten minutes to be ready for bed. If Regina settled into bed easily, Ruby was more wary, afraid it was just a sudden weakness on the Queen's part. She wanted to be there for the woman, though, and prove her she could be relied on. She slipped beneath the covers beside Regina and draped a careful arm across her waist. When she didn't encounter a snappy comment, she smiled to herself and settled into the cushions, allowing herself to drift off to sleep.

Regina didn't move, surprisingly at ease with the arm settled against her waist. She didn't mind, really, and it comforted her. She wanted to fall asleep as well, but her mind wouldn't stop working. She sighed, listening to her counterpart's breathing, hoping it would calm her enough to sleep. She listened until the wolf's breaths deepened, and only then she spoke, without knowing why she felt the need to do so.

"I don't know what I would have done, have you not been there, Red." It was merely a whisper.

"I'll always be here to protect you, my Queen."

The words made Regina freeze, and not only because she was startled at the wolf's voice: she wanted to fight her on this, to tell her she was no Queen. But she didn't have the heart. Before she could think of a reply, a warm body pressed into her back, and she let herself slip away, calmed down by the comfortable embrace.

Now now, as I assured my beta who hates the redqueen ship, this is swanqueen and will be swanqueen through and through. So bear with me, I did say it was going to take a while. I just have a major crush on redqueen friendship is all. Nothing romantic will happen between the two.

kytkis: I see your point. In my memory, I just remembered Henry still living in the loft (that faithful scene where Regina's shirt is undone and Snow calls her out on it before she goes see Henry in his room). I based my relationships on the beginning of season 4, so Henry is coming around and Emma is being an ass (though isn't she always?). For Snow and Charming, I have to say I just love to call them the two idiots, and I love when Regina calls them that. But sure, technically, I guess it's more friendly (in a way) than hateful. In my opinion is just Regina's way to pretend she still finds Snow annoying, I guess.

'Till next time!