-Chapter Seven-

"Hey F.C., I was thinking about going for a more subtle animal look. Like maybe just the ears, no tail," I complain as I whip my costume tail and smack Ed's ass.

"Don't tease me Arey. And you know it's part of the job requirement."

"No where in the contract does it say it's mandatory to dress up as a cat. This is just one of your loser schemes."

"Do you know how many men love a good pussy?" He replies cheekily waggling his eyebrows while I just roll my eyes.

I met Edward and Alice Cullen in my first year of high school. Their family had just moved from New York City to my tiny but prosperous settlement of Forks. You see Forks isn't your average run of the mill timber-town, though it is surrounded by miles and miles of forestry. No, its where the rich go to live. I would probably describe it as a city sized country club where every one wears those ugly sweaters tied around their necks and pristine white tennis shoes. A town where women sip their mimosas and gossip about their neighbour sleeping with the pool boy while their children are raised by nannies. I'm talking about freakin' white picket fences and ugly Mercedes Benz mom cars!

So you see exactly why we left Forks.

But anyway back to my story, I met Edward and Alice in my first year of high school. Back then they were the weird new kids coming into our exclusive inner circle. My parents forced Rose and I to hang with them during one of my mothers famous mixers and we became fast friends after Alice called out that teen slut Irina Sveltsky on padding her training bra with toilet paper. Lets just say, we all bonded over our mutual hatred for human life.

To be honest, I had a massive crush on Edward for a while; he was just so funny and nice to me. But that was until I found out the same Irina with the toilet paper boobs gave him a handjob during a screening of Pirates of the Caribbean. I was so put off with the thought of skanky Sveltsky jerking him off that my crush fizzled out.

And that's when my obsession with sex started.

In my spare time I would secretly read about sex and how it supposedly felt like Christmas, Hanukkah and your birthday all rolled into one when you 'came'. So I did the only thing a curious 15 year old would do, I asked my only guy friend, Edward to take my virginity.

Of course he laughed and said I probably won't even experience the festive season my first time, but being the horny fuck he is, went along with it anyway.

It was awkward to say the least and I certainly didn't feel sparks fly when we were done.

And to make matters worse, I began to re-develop my little crush on him.

A week later I was seriously contemplating telling Edward how I felt when Maggie Hamilton cornered me in the bathroom to tell me she might be taking things to the next level with my best friend at Marcus Fischer's 15th birthday. Count them, 7 days after we had both lost our virginities, he was already to move on with this whore.

I don't know whether it was more from my hate for Maggie or the fact I was rubbed raw and scorned but I told her that Edward's drapes matched the carpet, which in actual fact it didn't. This spawned the nickname Fire Crotch or F.C. for short.

Of course he didn't get laid that weekend and when he found out I was the cause for this he was livid. As pay back, he told his baseball team that I had bologna sized areolas, hence the name Arey.

Luckily two weeks later the same Maggie gave Edward a blow job and dispelled the rumours of his ginger ninja and a month later at our school's annual swim carnival, I made an accidental nip slip and half the school saw I have normal sized areolas.

It took us 2 months to become friends again but a further 6 months to be able to joke around with our nicknames and thankfully by then my feelings for my hunky best friend had gone with the wind like an STD scare.

I'm actually glad nothing happened because as much as I love him, he's way too much of a manwhore to commit. He is smoother than Harvey Specter and hotter than Beckham but he's never had a steady girl friend. Unfortunately or fortunately, depends on the way you see it, the only girls who can put up with Edward are Alice, Rose and I and so we're the unlucky recipients of his sex-scapades. Like just last week he supposedly had a threesome with two English tourists who came in looking for the nearest pub but ended up porking him in the McDonald's down the street.

"So Arey, Alice tells me you're going to some speed dating thing? Good on you! I mean, I know you love me but baby, its time to move on. Maybe you'll even find someone and throw away your E-brator," Edward calls from over by the rabbit pen.

I throw my cat ears at him and scream, "For the last time, I don't love you and I don't have a vibrator called Edward!"

Still holding a poor innocent fawn bunny, he tilts back his head and moans out, "Ohh Ed, you're so big! Take me!"

He keeps going for a while, moaning like he's in pleasure but completely fails to notice the rabbit is leaving little bunny presents in his hands.

Check and mate fucker.

Sorry team! I'm hopeless at updating :(

I hope you're all having a wonderful start to Spring/Autumn!

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-A x