Disclaimer: I do not own these characters; they belong to the genius of AWM and that other three letter network I really don't like.
Overheard
Chapter 4
14 hours earlier.
Richard Castle sat in his study, blinds drawn and lights off, nursing a double whiskey. He had been this way for over an hour, since Alexis had come in before heading to Paige's for a study session and sleep over. His mother had popped her head in to frown at him just after that, before heading out herself for a date. Martha's disapproving frown had turned to an expression of deep worry after she turned away, because she could see just how deep in a funk her son was, but she also knew him enough not to press at the moment, so she left, determined that at least one member of the family should have fun tonight. Time for more unsolicited advice tomorrow.
Ever the wordsmith, Rick was trying to categorise his feelings, in the hope that by putting labels on them, he could relegate them to the back of his mind. He felt sad, he felt used, and he felt heartbroken. But most of all, he felt tired. Tired of being alone, of not having someone to share his life with, to give all his boundless love to. Two failed marriages should have taught him that this fairy tale of true love forever was not his for the having, but like a child - a nine year old on a sugar rush - he continued to believe. Kate - no, he would not think of her as Kate - Beckett had changed him, made him into a better man, because he believed that is what she deserved, and yet, she had led him on, allowing him to misread her flirting and innuendo, letting him think she wanted anything other than his friendship. He had never suspected she could be so cruel, but maybe she was just like all the other women he had encountered since he became famous, using him for those things he could provide. It wasn't money or fame for her, and maybe that is why he fell so quickly, because she was different, but in the end, she didn't want him either.
Rick reviewed the past year, after his ill-timed confession, and realised that Beckett had been trying to let him down gently, tell him she was only interested in his friendship, but he wouldn't listen. She sent him away at the hospital, disappeared for 3 months no doubt hoping he would get over her and move on, and even when she came back, she kept him at arm's length, not allowing him close enough to see her vulnerable, refusing to label their many meals at Remy's and movie nights at the loft as dates. That case where they met the sexy insurance investigator, Serenade Kaye, she even encouraged him to pursue the woman. Perhaps it wasn't jealousy he had seen in her eyes when Beckett caught them kissing in the hallway outside Serena's hotel suite, just shock at how close to the room they were. In hindsight, he could explain away all the little moments he thought meant they were moving towards something together, as just being wishful thinking and projection on his part.
Rick had invested so much of himself in the last four years that he didn't have any more to give. Alexis was graduating high school soon, starting her own life journey, and his mother was all kinds of independent. Neither of them actually needed him, and he had made good provision for both of them so they would be well looked after if anything ever happened to him. He had made sure of that when he started shadowing Beckett, and now those preparations seemed like a sign to him. He could move on, put an end to this debilitating pain in his heart and his mind, knowing that his favourite redheads would be okay. Sure they would mourn, but they had each other, and he knew they also had the support of the team at the 12th. Beckett may not love him, or want him to love her, but she would care for his family, he was sure of it.
Rick refilled his whiskey tumbler, and contemplated his options. It would be great if he could talk to someone about all this, but there was no one he could tell. He didn't have a best friend other than Beckett, and he really couldn't talk to her right now. She had tried to speak to him, the last time he was at the precinct, but he had blown her off with some flippant comment about fun and uncomplicated before leaving there as quickly as he could, and retreating to his loft to sulk. Jacinda wasn't double parked, but it was a convenient excuse, as he couldn't bear to look at Kate for one more minute without breaking down and begging her to love him, something his remaining self-respect would never allow him to do. She had already ripped much of that to pieces, he wouldn't give her any more opportunities, intentional or not.
Just thinking of her as Kate brought the tears to his eyes again, and this time he couldn't control the sobs. While he was angry, he could blame her for lying to him, and that fury kept his other emotions in check, but then he would recognise that she was really not responsible for his feelings toward her, and the sorrow and despair blew the anger away like it had never been.
He really needed to speak to someone, a stranger who didn't know him and wouldn't judge, but perhaps had some experience with these sorts of emotions. He recalled a late night ad for a help line, and picked up his phone.
XXXXXXXX
12 hours earlier
Rick stared at his phone after he hung up with Yolanda, feeling a little better about the situation. She had a soothing voice, so well suited to counselling, and for a moment he wished he could have met with her in person, laid his heart bare and asked for her advice. But that was not something Richard Castle was able to do, and poor Ricky Rogers was left with phone help only. At least his voice wasn't easily recognisable, so his slip up before he offered Alex as his name would not lead to Page Six speculation. The last thing he needed right now was for either his mother or daughter to think he was suicidal, they would never let him out of their sight and he would suffocate from their attention.
Yolanda had helped put his situation into perspective. It wasn't life ending that Beckett didn't love him, or that she had lied to him. Yes, she broke his heart, worse than anyone else before her, including Kyra, and it would take a long time before he trusted anyone with it again - if ever - but he had his daughters unconditional love, and his mother's support, and he would endure. The first piece of advice he would act on, was to separate himself from Beckett, and all those things that reminded him of her and the might-have-beens he had created in his mind. Perhaps with time, he may be able to return to a friendship with her, but right now it was time to look after himself, and recover that happy playful side of him that had shattered on the floor of the observation room, along with his heart. He swallowed the remaining alcohol in his glass, then crawled into bed, curling up in the nest of sheets he had left that morning. He allowed himself to mourn the fact that likely he would be alone in this bed for the rest of his life, and watered his pillow awake and asleep all night.
TBC
A/N: Thanks for all the follows and reviews to this story, I am truly humbled by your support. This chapter gives us Castle's perspective, and also clears up the question of timing. This whole story will take place in a very short time frame, although it's taking me much longer to write it. Next you will see Kate's reaction to the phone call with Alexis, and the harsh wake-up call that she needs to act.