I'm going on vacation tomorrow so there won't be any updates until August 2nd. As for the guest who asked for updates on Broken and Seduction... The new chapter for Broken is almost ready, so I'll post it once I am back home from my vacation... Seduction however... I'm having the worst case of writer's block with that story, which is annoying the crap out of me, but I hope to get over it soon, so I can update Seduction as well...
Ana
The second our gazes meet he comes to an abrupt halt and we just look at each other without saying a word. I take him in and he looks... changed. His hair is overly long, he hasn't shaved in a few days and is dressed in a light blue jeans and t-shirt that to my surprise isn't his usual choice of white, black or grey, but a bright turquoise that makes him look less of the powerful CEO/Dominant and more of a normal twenty something guy who is enjoying his free time.
But it's the expression on his face that really surprises me, he looks weary, almost scared and unsure of what to do next. Before I know what I am doing I'm on my feet and close the distance between us. Seeing this side of him I forget all my concerns and just hug him careful not to touch his back in doing so. For a brief moment I feel him stiffen, but then he relaxes wraps his arms around me and buries his nose in my hair. As he does he pulls me even closer to him, holding on to me for dear life.
"Christian... the baby... don't squeeze me like that." I get out and he steps back immediately.
"Shit, I'm sorry, did I do something wrong... do you need a doctor?" He asks with panic in his voice.
"It's fine, just no squeezing."
"Okay, do you want to sit... something to drink maybe... a snack before lunch?" He rattles off and I have to giggle.
"Your housekeeper already brought me a soda and I'm not hungry, I had a big breakfast." I tell him and he raises on brow.
"Don't look at me like that, I had pancakes, eggs and fruit salad for breakfast, I'm good until lunch."
"Sorry, old habits, I just had to make sure, you know... the baby needs food too."
"I know, after all I'm the one who has to get up at three in the morning to order myself a cheeseburger." I confess and he grins.
"You do that?"
"Yeah, honestly, the other day I had to wait in line at Starbuck's to get myself one of their banana muffins and I was seriously tempted to just snatch one of the tray of some very overweight older gentleman." I tell him and he laughs.
"Might have done him some good. So... the baby is fine." He asks and I know my face falls.
"What is wrong?" He asks and leads me to the sofa.
"Nothing, so far all looks well, the baby is growing as it should be and all of the tests Dr. Greene has done so far came back with good results... but there are still chances that the drugs I was given at the hospital have caused harm to the baby. Actually, there is something I have to ask you." I say and stare at my knotted fingers.
"What is it Ana, please tell me what you need."
"Dr. Greene, she said there are a few more prenatal test that can be done to rule out that the baby was harmed by the drugs... but my insurance doesn't cover them and I can't afford them..."
"I'll pay for them, Ana. Whenever you want to do them just ask Dr. Greene to send me the bill. Just... if the baby does have any kind of disability we deal with it together okay?" He says and I look at him.
"What do you mean?"
"I... I don't want you to end the pregnancy." He replies and I shake my head.
"Christian, I will give birth to our child no matter what, I just would like to get these tests done so I have the time to find the best therapy options for our baby in case it is needed."
"Good, because I want you to know that I will be there, no matter what." He says and I give him a small smile.
"So, I think you two are off to a good start, but I believe we should start to get to the bottom of your problems. Ana is there anything you would like to ask Christian?" Autumn asks and I take a deep breath, let's get this over with.
"Have you been with Elena Lincoln while we've been seeing each other or did it start again after I didn't sign your new contract?" I ask and he runs both hands through his hair.
"Ana, I didn't touch that woman after our relationship ended when I was twenty-one. That evening, when you came to Escala, she arrived shortly before you did. She tried to seduce me, what you saw was her trying to have me again, right after you left I kicked her out as naked as she was." He says and I do want to believe him, but it's hard.
"So... you haven't been with her and her blackmailing me was not your attempt to get rid of me."
"That's what you think?" He asks and I expected him to be angry, but he is hurt.
"Really, I didn't know what to think, I still don't. I want to believe you, but it's hard seeing that you considered a woman who abused you your friend for all of this time."
"I understand now, Ana. Believe me, I know now that what she did was wrong." He says staring into my eyes, willing me to believe him, but it's not that easy, because this is not just about me anymore.
"Look, I really want to believe you, but it's hard. I'm scared, not for me, but for our baby. You believed what she did to you was right for so many years and... imagine one day our baby will be fifteen and some pervert twice his or her age seduces our baby, I'm afraid you won't see how wrong this would be or..."
"Ana, I would fucking kill each damned pedophile who dares to lay hand on my child. Hell, if we are having a girl, I'll even kill all the horny high school boys and college guys who will try to date her. I know that a grown up being with a teenager under the age of consent is wrong, I always knew that... but I thought... or was led to believe that I needed it, that without her help I would have ended up in jail... in reality she stole so many years of my life... time I could have spend with my family, making friends, really just being normal. I want to have that now, I want that with you, Ana, but I know we are not there yet, I just hope you'll give me a chance to prove myself to you. I can do better than what you have seen of me so far. I'm getting help and I understand a lot of things now." He says and I give him a small smile.
"You know, I'm finding it very hard to say no to you, Mr. Grey." I give him back the words he once said to me when I got him to have sex with me in his guestroom instead of the playroom. He of course remembers and smiles.
"In this case I won't say I'm sorry, but where does that leave us?"
"Christian, I... I don't know. You still mean a lot to me, but I can't go back to where we left off. It's not what I want and with the baby..."
"I don't want to get back to that either." He says and I look at my hands...so he doesn't want me back...
"Well I'm sure we can work something out so you can see the baby regularly... though I don't want my baby at Escala when you have a sub there."
"Okay, I think I need to intervene here before there are any misunderstandings. Christian why don't you tell Ana what you want." Autumn says and I think about leaving... I so not need to hear that he is looking for a new sub...
"I want to be with you, Ana. Not in a Dom/sub relationship, but a traditional relationship, I want us to raise our child and hopefully more children in the future together." He says and I'm sure I look like an idiot staring open mouthed at him, but then a thought comes to my mind.
"Are you only saying this because you want us to raise the baby together?"
"No, I'm saying this because I want to share my life with you, Ana. I never thought I would want more, but with you it's different. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I want us to be a family."
"But a traditional relationship is not what you need." I point out.
"Ana, I have had fifteen subs since I turned twenty-one. I have had sex with many more women while I was training to be a Dom, but I have never wanted more. They have been nothing but a pleasant pastime. Still, I always felt empty and alone. With you, I feel like I can let my guard down. All you ever wanted out of our relationship was my attention, you didn't ask for anything... and I didn't show you enough how much I appreciate it that you see me as me, not the CEO, not the billionaire, not the Dominant... just me."
"But I wasn't enough." I whisper sadly, had I been enough for him he would have wanted to change for me back then, he would have fallen in love with me too.
"Baby, you are more than enough for me. I'm so very sorry that I was too fucked up to see it, but I see it now. I'm not asking you to jump into a relationship right away, but I would like for you to give me a chance to prove to you that I can change." He says and I don't know what to do. Do I want to give him a chance? Yes, I think I want to, but at the same time I'm afraid that things won't change.
"Christian I... I don't know. It's not that I don't want to give you another chance, but I just don't want things to become the way the were before again... and it's not just me anymore, I have to make the best decision for our child too. I don't want this child to grow up thinking it is perfectly normal to treat women like second class people."
"I never saw you like that." He says and I raise one brow.
"Really, because I can think of a number of times were you sure made me feel as though I am."
"I never meant to do that." Christian replies.
"Then why did you to it? Why did you treat me like trash in front of that god awful woman?" I snap, suddenly I'm so mad at him and for the first time ever, I'm not even slightly intimidated by him.
"She still had power over me... she manipulated me and I didn't see or maybe I just didn't want to see it. I felt threatened by her questioning my skills as a Dominant... and I felt the need to prove to her that I can do whatever I please to my sub. I'm so sorry, Ana. I only now realize that I have humiliated you in the worst way... because you knew... you saw Elena for who she really is right away. Please believe when I say that I would never treat you like I did ever again."
I stare at Christian, I want to believe him, but at the same time, I know it's not that simple and I can't even blame it all on him, because this is on me too.
"Look, I really want to believe you, but it's not that easy. It's my fault too, because I never said anything when I should have. It's just I always felt like if I would say something, you would just end the contract and look for someone who doesn't complain or question all those stupid rules."
"Stupid?" He asks and I can tell he is trying hard not to smile.
"You gave me a list of foods I am allowed to eat... like I'm to stupid to eat healthy myself."
"Do you really want to talk about your eating habits, Ana? Because frankly, I feel like that is a topic you may need to discuss with a shrink." He says and I glare at him.
"Well excuse the hell out of me if the threat of being beaten with whips, belts and canes doesn't provide me with an healthy appetite." I snap and he glares back, which brings Autumn to speak up.
"Is it a problem, Ana?" She asks and I roll my eyes.
"I never had problems... well, maybe in my teen years, I did, but then again I'm not the only person in the world who can't face food when something isn't right in her life." I confess.
"No that is right, some people like to comfort themselves with food while others can't eat at all when they are upset. What happened when you were a teen?"
"My parents divorced, my mother re-married a total jerk, so I moved back in with my step-dad."
"Did he try something, your mother's husband?" Christian asks and the memory actually makes me giggle.
"I lived with him and my mom for about three months, he would always make me feel uncomfortable, you know he would stand too close to me, touch me as if by accident and walk into my room while I was changing without knocking first. One evening he came into my room and grabbed my ass while I was tying my laces... and I snapped. I just had enough. I turned around and told him he would never touch me again or I would make him regret it. Of course with him being 6'3 and about 220 lbs and me being 5'1 and maybe 115 lbs he started to laugh at me. Next he reached out to grab my boobs, so I kneed him in the balls and when he sacked to his knees I kicked him in the face. While he was a bloody, moaning mess on the floor I called the cops and my Dad, packed my belongings and when the cops arrived and I told them what happened, they arrested him. My mom didn't want to believe me at first and stayed with him, while Ray took me back to Montesano, but she came around when just a few weeks later he beat her to a bloody mess. They divorced and he went to prison."
When I look up at Christian he looks shocked. "You took him down?"
"Ray is ex-army, he always told me that being tiny or a girl is no excuse for not knowing how to defend yourself. He said there is no shame in losing a battle, it's only a shame if you're not trying to go down with one hell of a fight. Still, my mother choosing to believe him over me, her daughter, it made me really upset and it made it hard to eat for me, but it's nothing to worry about. I'm always somewhere between 118 and 124 lbs these days and that's okay."
"Why did you never tell me that our arrangement isn't making you happy?" He asks taking me by surprise and I sigh.
"Do you remember that I once asked you what would happen if I wasn't interested in your lifestyle or if I would figure out that it wasn't for me?" I ask and he nods. "You said that it was fine, but then we wouldn't have any relationship at all and that scared me. I was afraid by telling you how I feel you would send me away and I would never see you again. I understand now that it was stupid of me not to speak up... but I just wanted to be with you."
"And now you don't want to be with me?" His questions is asked so quietly that I nearly missed it.
"I don't want to go back to where we left off, that is really all I know right now. Other than that, I don't know, because sadly I don't even know how a normal relationship works and if it would work for us. Still, I can't seem to get you off my mind and with our baby on the way we need to find a way to work either as a couple or as friends, because I can't stand the thought that our child will grow up with parents who really don't have anything to say to each other."
"I don't want that either, Ana. I want us to be together, but I know I can't just order you to be my girlfriend or move in with me, even though that's what I want... but we can work on it." He says and I have to force myself not to gape at him. His girlfriend? Moving in with him? Who is this guy? And where is they guy who told me that he doesn't do the girlfriend thing?
"I thought you didn't do the girlfriend thing, Mr. Grey."
"Well, I don't want to go back to what I have done before... I want more. More of seeing you happy and relaxed around me, more of your smart mouth... just more of everything." He says and I can't believe what I am hearing.
"But what about rules and punishments?"
"I don't want that anymore... which doesn't mean that I don't want to get kinky with you at all... but in essence I want a normal relationship."
"I don't think I can just jump into that." I murmur. Do I want all that he has mentioned? Yes, but at the same time I know just jumping into it won't work.
"We can take things slow, Ana. Meet for lunch or dinner, go to the movies or just hang out."
"Hang out?" I giggle, Christian Grey wanting to hang out is not something I ever envisioned hearing him say.
"Yup, we can even chill out together, Miss Steele." He smirks and I laugh.
"We can try... see where that leads us." I reply and his answering smile is so big it makes me smile too.
"So, if I would call you sometime next week to meet for lunch you wouldn't hang up on me?"
"No, I wouldn't..." I stop for a moment and then decide to go for it. "Maybe on Thursday? I have my next check up on Thursday... due to what happened I have to see Dr. Greene every two weeks and she said next time she may be able to see if it's a boy or a girl. You could join me for my appointment and we can have lunch afterwards." I offer and he looks a bit nervous.
"We can find out, really?"
"Well, I will be 15 weeks along next week and Dr. Greene said you can usually determine the sex at 16 to 20 weeks, but since I'm close to sixteen weeks she might be able to tell me. I would really like to know, so I know what colors to buy."
"That sounds great... yes, I'll come with you. And since we are on the topic there are a few things I would like to discuss about the baby."
"Okay, go on."
"First, I have set up a college fond as well as a trust fond for our baby. He or she can access the trust fond once he or she has turned twenty-one, but it will be supervised by me or you until our child has turned twenty-five."
"Really... well, it's good to know that our child won't have to worry about paying for college." I reply not really sure what to say, because I haven't even thought this far when really I have know idea how to afford all the stuff the baby will need once it's born.
"I have also bought a house." He says looking nervous again.
"A house?" I ask confused, why would he buy a house for the baby?
"Well, I want our child to have a real home and if we can't make things work between us, I still want our child to have a real home for the time it spends with me. Escala is great for a bachelor, but for a child it is not the right place. I have bought a house at the sound. Elliot is remodeling it for me. It has a huge meadow, great backyard, lots of space to run around and have a good time... but the longer I thought about it, the more I want it to be our child's permanent home. Maybe I could take you to see it and if you like it too, I would like for you to move in. I have bought the neighboring plot of land as well and I would build my new home there so our child could just come over to see me. You don't have to decide anything now, but keep it in mind." He says and I nod wide eyed. A house? I can't afford to pay the bills for a house and...
"There is one more thing." He says interrupting my thoughts.
"Ana your car... look, I know you love it and I already have arranged for it to get a new engine and breaks, but even with that it is not reliable or safe by any means. I want to buy you a new car, something safe and family friendly, so you have enough room to put a stroller, groceries or whatever in the trunk. We can go to a car dealership together and look at some of the cars I have in mind." He says and I appreciate that he isn't just buying a car and ordering me to take it, still it is too much.
"Look, I know I need a new car, because even I understand that my car isn't safe to transport our child in, but the thought of you spending money on me makes me uncomfortable."
"Ana please, you know I have more than enough money. It's not a big deal to me." He nearly begs and I decide to negotiate a deal.
"Can we negotiate this?"
"How?" He asks and leans forward to listen.
"Well, you already own a fleet of SUV's, I'd be happy to take one of them on loan... indefinitely." I offer and he smirks.
"Fine, I can live with that. I have Taylor send one to your place." He says and blows out the breath he was holding. "That was easier than I thought." He adds making me roll my eyes.
"I'm not unreasonable, Christian." I pout.
"No you are not, but it still surprises me that you don't like to receive gifts. Women usually love them."
"Maybe I'm just not that kind of woman. I like gifts when it's a special occasion, but you tend to buy such expensive things that I fear I'll break, lose or ruin it in anyway."
"I want you to have the best of everything, Ana."
"And all I ever wanted was to be with you. I don't need expensive gifts... if you want to give me something, give me some of your time that's all I really want." I blurt out before I can stop myself and blush, while he gives me the biggest, goofy grin.
"I'll keep that in mind... so how about lunch?" He asks and I smile.
I know we still have a long way to go before we can be together and have a healthy relationship, but today has been a very good start...
I know there is a lot more for them to talk about, but this chapter was merely the start, so topics that haven't been covered here will come up in future chapters...