Disclaimer: I definitely don't own Castle. They would still be on the air if I did.

A/N: Thank you so much for your patience with this story. My muse deserted me, and the words coming out were rubbish. I have managed to overcome my writers block now, and the end of this story is written. There will be one more chapter and an epilogue.

CHAPTER 11

*Kate's letter to Rick*

Dear Rick,

That greeting seems trite, especially as I am more used to calling you Castle, but no better option has come to mind in all the discarded drafts for this letter, and you are very dear to me, much more so than I have ever shown you. You are the master of words, and you may well laugh at me trying to subvert your tool to get my point across. Unfortunately I have driven you away again, in both word and deed, so the only way I can hope to prove my love for you is with pen and ink.

First, I am so very sorry for losing my temper when you told me about Mr Smith, and banishing you from my apartment. You know me best of anyone, and you know that my mother's case is my personal rabbit hole, the one that puts blood in my eye and blinds me to all else. I believe you took advantage of that weakness, to make me push you away just as you had pushed me away, not believing me when I first told you that I loved you. Not that I blame you for that disbelief, because I have done my best to keep you at arm's length over the last 4 years. I could talk about being scared, about trying to protect you, or my heart, but all those are just poor excuses for what I put you through, and you kept coming back.

So now it's my turn. I will keep coming back, and showing up, and showing you that I do love you, and you are the most important person in the world to me, more important than a murder case. My mother is gone, and nothing I do will bring her back. But she would want me to live my life, to be as happy as I can be, and the only way I can do that is to be with you. I don't expect you to just forget the last few weeks, or to forgive me for the terrible way I have treated you over a much longer period of time, when I can see clearly now that everything you have done was to protect me, in the only way I would let you. All I ask is that you give me another chance, to prove to you the truth in my words, and I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you. You know where to find me when you are ready.

All my love

Kate

Kate was torn about posting the letter, now that she had worked so hard on it, or hand delivering it to him, but she figured he would not want to see her, and it may cause a larger rift. She had dithered once before about going to see him, after she had overheard his conversation with Yolanda, and looking back now she could admit she should have rushed straight over then, made sure he was OK rather than waiting 12 hours until she spoke to the counsellor again That time, she had been paralysed with fear, but also in disbelief that the most cheerful, happy person she knew, who made her days better, could contemplate such a drastic act over something she did – or rather, didn't do. Now, knowing that he wasn't in immediate danger, she didn't want to inflame the situation by forcing him to confront her, but she would give him the words he deserved and the time to absorb them, and act on them as he saw fit. And if he chose to ignore them, and stay out of her life for good, then that was his choice, and she would learn to live with that knowledge somehow. She pushed the envelope into the mail slot, and let out a deep sigh, releasing all her worry because the situation was now out of her hands.

It had been 3 days since she had posted the letter, and Kate was sure Rick must have received it by now. She would give it a full week, but she wasn't sure if he would even read it, or just throw it away. She was lying in bed, 20 minutes before her alarm was due to go off, contemplating getting up, the restless bouts of sleep she had been experiencing had drained her energy completely, but there was no point staying in bed if she was just going to toss and turn, so she got up and put her running clothes on, hoping some rigorous exercise would help clear her brain, as nothing else seemed to do. She returned to her apartment after an hour, dripping in sweat but no happier, and put a coffee pot on while she took a scalding hot shower. Two strong black cups later, she was dressed in her Beckett armour and ready to walk out the door.

As usual, she was first into the precinct by an hour or more, greeting the few members of the night shift she passed with a nod. She dumped her bag in the bottom drawer, and made her way to the break room for more coffee, precinct sludge because she couldn't bear to touch Castle's machine, fearful she may break down if it hissed at her. She returned to her desk and pulled the large pile of cold case files in front of her, grateful that Gates had directed them to review the list again, while there was no active cases. She suspected that Gates had taken their team out of rotation as well, because the last week they had not been called out more than twice, while the other teams were constantly on cases. She was of two minds about this, because she could always lose herself in her work, the one thing she knew she could do well, but she had also been forced to admit, to herself if no one else, that the lack of proper rest had her brain slowly losing its sharpness, and pretty soon her detective skills would suffer. She just had no idea how to fix that.

She was still buried deep in case files when Ryan, and then Esposito came in, greeted them normally – or the new normal since Castle left – and continued on. She had a list of leads she wanted the boys to follow up, and lab procedures to request, so she passed those on and kept working. Her partners watched her with concern, but carefully, when they knew she wasn't looking, and jumped to her requests as if their prompt attention could bring her out of her funk.

The boys were out at the morgue, getting some information from Lanie, and Kate was about to get up and help herself to some more sludge, when a takeaway cup appeared on her desk, and a large body seated itself in Castle's chair. She smelt the coffee first, and hope flared in her chest for a second, only to be instantly squashed – it was unlikely she would ever get coffee delivery again. Then she registered the body in the chair, and lifted her eyes in indignation to yell at whoever thought they could sit there, when she was confronted by eyes of the deepest ocean blue.

Kate couldn't breathe, it was almost like her wishes had made Castle appear, but that couldn't be right, could it? Finally, after staring into his eyes for what felt like an age, she managed to squeeze one word out her suddenly dry throat.

"Castle?"

For his part, Rick could see the circles under her eyes, the sag of her skin over her face and shoulder bones, and finally accepted that she was hurting as much as he was. He worked hard to put on his best smile, and replied, almost as if he hadn't been away for weeks, but only overnight.

"Good morning, Detective. I see I am just in time with your coffee delivery this morning."

He gently pushed the cup towards her, and let his fingers linger as she grasped the cup with both her hands, feeling the shiver Kate was trying very hard to hide as they touched.

"Uh, thanks, Castle." Kate could have smacked herself in the head for such an inane response, but she had to wonder if he would explain what he was doing here – not that she wanted to go into it in the middle of the precinct.

"Any time." Castle responded, and their momentary meeting of eyes acknowledged that it wasn't their word, but close. Before she could do more than nod, he continued.

"Do you think you have time for lunch today? Away from the precinct?" It was spoken in a normal tone of voice, but his eyes were pleading, and Kate was relieved he obviously wanted to talk, but recognised the lack of privacy in present circumstances. She nodded, and was about to say something about being glad to see him, when they were interrupted by two voices of surprise.

"Hey Castle!"

"Good to see you, bro!"

The boys were surprised to see Castle there, and Ryan was just busting to ask a hundred questions, but Espo caught Kate's eye and the subtle shake of her head, so nudged his partner and after quick handshakes and back pats, they returned to their desks, only glancing occasionally over at the couple at Kate's desk, who looked to all the world like nothing had changed in the last weeks. That was unless you looked closely, and they were of course trained to observe. Both Beckett and Castle were sitting rigidly, their eyes flicking to each other and away, and the tension between them crackling from even this far away.

Very soon, Ryan couldn't stand it anymore, and being past 11am, he wandered over to Beckett's desk to find out about her lunch plans. She shook her head at his offer, but not before he caught the glance she threw at Castle. Understanding dawned in Ryan's mind, and he returned to his partner's desk, quietly sharing a few words with him, after which Espo nodded and headed for the elevator. He returned 15 minutes later, with sandwiches for the boys, and called over to Beckett and Castle, trying to act casual.

"Hey Beckett, why don't you head out to lunch now? Those files will still be there in an hour, and we can call you if anything drops."

Kate didn't even hesitate, nodded her thanks and grabbed her bag. Castle was right behind her, with his own nod of gratitude for the boys before getting into the elevator. They walked in silence to Remy's, taking a booth in the back and ordering their usuals, the food having been delivered before they actually looked at each other again. Castle figured it was up to him to start the conversation, as he had asked for this lunch meeting, so he took a deep breath and began.

"I got your letter, Kate."

TBC