I sat alone on the couch, my knees drawn up to my chest, a posture that he had found ridiculous yet found amusing at the same time.

I have long since declared the Kira Case closed, departed Japan with barely a word of goodbye towards the others that I have worked together with on this case.

Last I've seen of Soichiro, he had been greatly saddened by the death of his firstborn but was terribly ashamed that he'd raised a monster such as that and pretended that his son was not his own.

His own father does not see his virtues, covered up by the dark deeds he had committed.

But I know, I know it all too greatly.

The clock on the far wall measured out the seconds, the sound of it loud in my ears.

Tick… tock… tick… tock…

I do not bother to glance at it, no longer keeping track of time for my own was lost, a jumbled up mess.

In truth, I knew how much time had passed, how long it has been since I had last lived.

But I did not want to know and thus cast the knowledge of it away, far away.

So I sat with my messed up sense of time, remembering yesterday.

"Hey L?"

Light's voice was soft, inquisitive and I tore my gaze away from my screen and turned to look at him.

The boy had begun to developed dark circles beneath his eyes, faint but prominent as his face was nothing but perfection prior to the current sleepless nights that he shared with me.

Still, that did nothing to spoil his appearance, I found. His face is still an image of beauty, one with endearing flaws instead of the sharpness of perfection.

I said nothing about my thoughts, the mask of indifference easy to maintain as I questioned, "Yes, Light-kun?"

His expression mirrored mine, the only thing that betrayed his emotion are the brightness of his eyes, even if he had seemed as tired as he looked.

I knew the source of it – the thrill of speaking to someone with the same level of intellect as you have, after suffering years of encountering merely simpletons.

I knew for I had experienced that as well.

He leaned closer to me, the movement barely perceptible, slightly expectant as he asked, "Have you heard of this saying ,'You don't know what you have till it's gone?'"

Habit found me and I was already nibbling on my thumb, enjoying the sensation it brought as it fed to my compulsion.

"I'm afraid I haven't, Light-kun. I'm not one for quotes."

Indeed I was not, crimes, lessons and theories filled my days up more than anything else in the past decade and a half.

"Um, okay," He eyes flickered away from me for a moment, "Your thoughts, then?"

I reached for the bowl of sugar left upon my desk, picked one up and tossed it into my mouth, enjoyed the crunchy texture of the cube and the open look of disgust on Light's face.

"I suppose the saying made sense," I decided to answer when I finished the sugar cube, "People do not see the value of what they possess until they have lost it."

Light got over his disgust of the imagined taste of saccharine sweetness and said, "I beg to differ."

"How so?"

"I find that it is not that people do not know the value of what they had," He said, reclining back in his seat, "They knew that is was important, they just didn't expect to lose it."

"An interesting take on it," I commented, musing.

It was not inaccurate, I find.

The reason why Light had asked that in the first place showed itself as he straightened in his seat, leaning forward more than he did, curiosity clear on his face as he asked, "So… quick question."

He looked slightly nervous, an unconscious biting of his lips presented itself and I find that I can't ignore it, as indiscernible as it is.

"Is there anything that you value, L, or anyone?"

By heavens, he can't be more obvious than now.

And my mind spoke only of one thing.

You.

But I held my tongue, I cannot speak of such a thing.

What with who he is and who I am.

I did a show of nibbling my thumb, deep in thought, before simply answering, "Sugar."

His face fell.

"Are you kidding me, L?"

Even someone as dense as Matsuda can tell of the dismay that he felt.

"Whatever do you mean, Light-kun?" I asked innocently, letting nothing betray my face or voice.

"Nothing."

He turned away and didn't speak to me anymore that night.

I was pulled out of my memories when the door opened.

I turned slightly, watching idly as Quillsh made his way into the room, seeing the cheesecake that he had left on the table in front of me, the piece of confectionary untouched.

He sighed and shook his head, I watched all of this with a sense of disinterest.

"L," he uttered, his aged voice washing over my disjointed mind, "It has been over two months, perhaps you should try to take on a new case."

It took time for the words to register, that I should respond my guardian, my mentor.

"I'm afraid I'm not in the mood, Quillsh."

He looks disappointed, but I can't feel my heart sink like it should have, like it had.

The apathy is beginning to spook me, but I find that I could not be concerned by the worry.

"Perhaps you should consult a specialist about it, L," he said, before adding with a tinge of sorrow, "You can't go on like this."

I peered at him, intrigued by his suggestion.

A specialist?

He would think I need a specialist?

He thinks I'm going mad?

I cannot believe that he dares suggest that I am psychotic, the ideal detective that he had raised himself, the greatest!

I said nothing of that sort, simply replying, "I will consider it, Quillsh."

I turned away from him, willing my mind to blank.

The door clicked shut and I closed my eyes.

The sound of time haunts my ears, mercilessly passing, passing and leaving me behind, trapped within my memories.

"I am Kira."

I stared at him as he utter the words, loud enough for the others to all hear.

"What are you saying, Light-kun?"

"I am Kira, L. I can prove it to you, I can provide evidence, everything."

Why?

"Are you turning yourself in?"

I don't understand, wasn't the goal to continue to deceive me, the others, in order to kill me?

Why reveal yourself now?

"I killed Higuchi Kyosuke," he muttered, bringing my attention to his watch, "This slip of Death Note, in here."

He pulled the dial four times and a slot burst out of its place, showing me the piece and Higuchi's name written in what seems to be blood.

They gasped.

I was alarmed.

Do you not know that this means death?

"Light, the death sentence-" I hissed, for L cannot be compromised.

"It's too late now, L. They all know now."

He answered in an equally low voice, determined eyes boring into mine.

Why do this?

Why give up at a time like this?

Out of the corner of my eye, I see the white Death God glaring at him before stepping out of the room.

I gasp.

"The shinigami-"

"Light, you're under arrest!"

The others got over their initial shock, darting forward to capture him.

I stood up.

"Wait!"

No one listened, they were upon him like mad dogs, restraining him with all the desperation they had while Soichiro remained where he was, despair coating his visage.

I stood where I was, in utter disbelief.

Light did not fight back, allowing them to throw the cuffs onto his arms.

Suddenly, he screamed.

"Light!"

They backed away.

I rushed forward as he writhed in what seems to be pain, his arms twisting painfully against his restrains, tears prickled at his eyes.

"Light!"

He screamed as I took him into my arms, struggling in my hold, gritting his teeth and burying his face into my shirt as his limbs twitched.

That was when I realised with a horror that he was having a heart attack.

I did not expect that in the haze of pain that he surely is feeling, he tilted his face up so that I could see.

A strained smile on his face.

I gasped when I realised.

That was why.

It was for me.

The smile disappeared and turned into a grimace as he sobbed with pain.

I grabbed him, cradling him close and wishing that I could take it away, wanting so much for his pain to end and failing to register the significance of it.

Light's body seized up and I could feel him shudder, before he went limp and slumped back into my arms.

I was still for a long while.

"Light?" I dared to whisper, dared to looked down upon the boy that I love.

He did not answer, did not move, did not breathe.

He was as still as if he was never there.

I pressed my fingers to his neck, where his pulse would be.

Nothing.

There was nothing for silence.

I screamed and held him close.

I screamed and tears sprung forth from my eyes.

I screamed and wished that it was I that had perished.

I screamed for the boy that I had valued most but had not expected that he would be the one to disappear.

I screamed for all the world could never bring him back.

Gone, forever.

All that's left, are my memories.

My wretched, wretched memories.