A/N: Dear other Guest. Seriously, Fight me. *shakes head*
Dear Argent569, I know where you live, and I will fight you. o.o (I love you, swear it)
Also! Thanks to VeryHappyBunny101 (I love your account name, and yes Snotlout needs all the hugs), Mary D. Black2000 (Glad you think so ;) ), Dattebasa1 (You actually read the AN *o*), Zimmer12 (Sorry update took so long), and DarkDust27 (as usual xP), for your reviews
AHEM! I am sooooo sorry it took me so long to update T.T SO SORRY... I just lost a lot of motivation and had a shitty experience with my psych and unlocked more of my unwanted tragic backstory and just... sorry p.q
I may have also wasted some time marathoning the entire Steven Universe (all the seasons)... cause I'm a horrible procrastinator.
Ahem... uhh... Anyway, some warnings for this chapter ... Flashbacks, C-PTSD stuff, dissociation, Anger, Angry old man, Feels, and like LOTS OF SWEARING (I may be projecting o/o)...
Next chapter will be a little easier (I think... I know the chapter AFTER next is super awesome and warm PROMISE it gets better for a bit)
New stuff… he turns 6 next chapter~ Yay! That's where a lot of plot stuff starts happening (for those who have seen the tv show, you know why)
As usual, Enjoy~ Or not~
"words" - English
"words" - Icelandic
words - thoughts
Chapter 8. How to Lose It
Things have been particularly tense in the Haddock household for the past few months, and by tense, I mean I've been avoiding Dad. This task isn't too hard to accomplish since Stoic the Vast is out doing his chiefly duties most of the day, and dinner is spent with Fishlegs and his family.
It started with Stoic cornering me at home every day, trying to get me to talk about my "problems", and then he gets mad when I don't tell him and… It's annoying, so I started having dinner with him at the Great Hall every night until he started pestering me about it there; sounding convinced I was being bullied.
I mean it isn't like I can just tell him I'm tired all the time, and emotional, and irritable, all because of my past life and being messed up because I died. How do you even start a conversation like that? You don't. So I'm avoiding him until he either forgets or gets the blatant message that I don't want to talk about it.
Not that the past few months have been entirely awful, like, sure, my sleep is pretty awful most nights thanks to the nightmares and stress, but I've been making progress with my physical training.
I've been wearing the weights at home while doing laundry and while climbing trees, and throughout most of my days just to help build muscle a little faster, so now I'm able to lift one of the hammers at the forge, a medium one. Barely. But! It is progress.
The main difference I've noticed is that I'm getting faster, and that it's easier to traverse the forest without falling over all the time anymore. Which is probably due to the obstacle course practice.
Speaking of the obstacle course, the Twins and I revamped it a few times, since it keeps falling apart, and I'm working on a few designs to put together once Gobber lets me work with metal. Though that doesn't look like it will be any time soon.
I've also spent a decent amount of time with Fishlegs over the past few months, aside from having dinner with his family.
We mainly talk about dragons and invention ideas, which is fun until I bring up modern day technology, and for a while he's been teaching me how to read Gothi's sign language. I became proficient enough in it to be able to understand her last week when I went to discuss a different type of tea to help me sleep, which was scary but she said… wrote that ask why I'm struggling to sleep…
It was a nice change from Stoic's demands that I tell him.
Also, just last week that Fishlegs and I sat down and talked with Gothi about basic first aid, since Fishlegs said he was interested in learning about the medicinal uses of plants. We went along twice, though the second time Ruffnut joined us because she was bored.
It was a little weird seeing her without Tuffnut in tow but apparently he was made to stay in bed from being "Hit Too Hard" to which Ruffnut scoffed and rolled her eyes as she stated this.
Gothi, at the end of our talk that day, had invited the three of us to join in on the weeklong medical training session with the teenagers of village, though we were only allowed to watch the practices.
Ruffnut had been hesitant about accepting as she had eyed the excitement flowing off of Fishlegs and me as we started nerding out over what might be discussed. She said she didn't want us to "infect" her with our nerdiness.
She accepted the invitation in the end though, preferring to face possible "infection" rather than deal with Tuffnut being Gruffnut's loyal follower.
Bang!
I sat up with a start, blinking my eyes opened with a snap as I realised a mace was wobbling beside me.
Reaching for the handle shakily, I tried to shake the dazed sensation from my head, unaware I had been drifting in and out of consciousness. Sliding the mace across the table, I started working on the leather bindings and growlings as my hands slipped.
Am I really that tired? I thought, trying to deny the yawn swelling in my chest.
"So…" Gobber hummed, quickening my heart rate as my eyes snapped to him as I was startled. "Is there somethin' ye wanna talk about?"
I blinked at his form leaning against the bench beside me, feeling his body heat flow over my thin shirt, and wondered how long he had been there. "What…?"
"Oh no… It's jus'," he hedged, tapping his gripping attachment against the palm of his hand. "Ye… aren't bein' bullied or anythin'… are ye?"
I looked up at him with one eyebrow raised, my eyelids at half-mast and my mouth agape. "What on Ea- Odin's eight-legged horse are you talking about?"
"Well… with the way 'em Jorgensons' are-"
"I'm not being bullied by Snotlout," I sighed with a roll of my eyes. I had told Gobber he acted that way in public because of his dad… hand't I?
"If ye say so…" he hummed, fiddling with his metal attachment.
I let go of the leather strip and turned to face him fully. "What do you really want to talk about, Gobber?" I asked, looking at him seriously.
Gobber sighed, and met my gaze. "I'm just… tryin' to say that ye can talk to me, or ye're father about whatever it is that's botherin' ye. And no, don't give me that, 'It's jus' a nightmare,' crap," he growled as I opened my mouth. "We are here for ye. Both o' us, even if I'm no' very helpful, I am here."
I broke the gaze first, biting my lip as I instead stared at my hands. "I…" I started, huffed, and bit my lip harder as I thought. "I would… talk to you… the both of you… if it was anything, anything else. Really. But not… Not this. I-I can't, Gobber." I clenched my hands into fists, releasing my lip from its torment as my breath came out a little quicker, and my chest feeling a little tighter, as I turned my eyes up to his blank ones. "I'm- …I'm sorry," I breathed waiting to see anger or reproach fill his eyes.
His mouth curved up slightly as he reached forward to pat my shoulder. "Ye can tell us," he murmured and I flinched, anger welling up inside. "Maybe no' now, but someday."
I glared down at my lap, hands clenched into fists as I stared at the small welts and blisters edging across them. You don't know that, I thought with a sigh as he moved away. I may never tell you… And even if I did-
"We'll still care about ye no matter what, Hiccup," Gobber hummed as he moved back the forge.
But I'm not Hiccup…
Breathing in deep lungfuls of air, I was glad for all the training I was doing, remembering how it was only a few months before that walking up any sort of hill would wind me, and how I would get lost any time I left the main center of the village…
Climbing one of the trees that overlooked one of the agricultural farms of the village, I made myself comfortable on one of the branches, hoping to see a farmer going through their daily routine. As I relaxed onto the branch, I hooked my legs in place and rubbed my aching hands, noting each blister that had made refuge on my palms, reminding me of my primary school years. I used to climb any vertical surface I could find and would spend most lunch times on the monkey bars, pulling myself on top of them or practicing tricks.
Gazing out across the field, I wondered if I should move to one of the bushes on the edge of the pasture in order to have a closer look… and not be spotted so easily. Not that I had any particular need to hide, I just preferred it that way. It was less anxiety provoking if I could observe without being spoken to… and I was a little wary of most of the adults on the island.
Shimmying my way down the tree I almost froze as the sound of a twig snapping came from behind me, only to shake my head at the wave of paranoia that rushed me. Twigs snap all the time…
A hand tapped my shoulder as I reached the base of the tree and I leapt forward, smacking my head against the trunk.
"What a muttonhead," Tuffnut snorted to my left as I turned around, rubbing my hand lightly at the abraision now marring the center of my forehead.
Greeting my still panic-widened eyes were the usual three misfits that I thought I had left behind today. Snotlout rubbed his arm sheepishly and backed up a little so I could see the twins behind him. "Did… you follow me?"
Snotlout scuffed his shoe. "Well…"
"Fishlegs said you weren't coming today, so I thought you were going to do something cool and Loki-ish," Tuffnut sneered, his shoulders hunching forward as he grinned at me.
"So yeeeeah, we followed you," Ruffnut said with a smirk, before her eyes lit upand her mouth turned up in a cheeky grin. "Though he's here," she added with a gesture towards Snotlout, "'Cause he was wooorried about you."
"Wha- Hey!" Snotlout cried, folding his arms across his chest. "Was not," he mumbled.
"Ohhhh suuure you weren't," Ruffnut crowed. She cleard her throat and clapsed her hands together in front of her chest, raising her voice as she did. "'What if Hiccup's lost, or huuuurt? He could be in daaanger,'" she giggled with her brother.
Snotlout turned bright red and just pouted.
I merely watched on and rubbed the back of my head.
"Right," Tuffnut huffed. "Why are you here?"
I leaned back against the tree and tilted my head in the direction of the farm. "Was planning to watch how farming is done from one of the bushes."
"I like it!" he cheered, one arm in the air.
"So, what's it gonna be? Leap out with a big yell, or throwing stones without being seen?" Ruffnut asked with an edge of excitement.
"Umm," I hedged, looking back at their wide, cute, evil grins. "We'll see?"
"Ooooh, surprises. I love those," Tuffnut cackled.
We waited in the bushes near the farm for the better part of an hour before we even saw anyone tend to the field. I almost thought it was abandoned, until the twins started snickering with their small piles of pebbles sitting beside them.
Watching a thin figure come into view, I shuddered, something primal within me going still.
"Mildew," I whispered in disgust. When all of this was a show to me, I had really hated him. He was an awful character who never changed and was always a really creepy old man. Nothing had really changed since this became my reality, only now I had an extra layer of visceral, primal discomfort whenever I saw him on the island.
"Now," Tuffnut whispered loudly, sniggering as he then began to lob his pebbles at Mildew along with his sister.
Weren't they going to wait for me to give an order or something?
"You rotten children!" Mildew screeched as he ran towards us, waving his staff in the air.
The twins bolted out from the bushes, arms still filled with small stones, cackling as they dodged around Mildew's frantic swinging of his staff. I considered staying where I was, but then Mildew got too close to our hiding spot and made my decision for me.
Snotlout had already hopped up and ran onto the field by the time I had one foot under me. I really had thought I was getting closer to the others in physical abilities but I guess not.
By the time I had stood up and leaned forward to get away, Mildew had spotted me in between pebbles.
I only got a few stops before Mildew lifted me into the air by the back of my shirt.
"Put. Me. Down," I growled as he turned me to face him.
"You're Stoic's kid," he spat. "Ooooh, I'm going to talk to your father about this, you rotten kid."
His few teeth wobbled as he spoke, his face scrunching up more than it already was, his fetid breath coating my face as I began to struggle, growling and snarling, demanding to be let go. I threw my arms up to his, clawing at the exposed flesh of his hand as andrenaline consumed me with the need to run, to get the Hell away.
Arms lifted me into the air and away from the crowd, from my friends and the light and joy of the event.
My heartrate stayed slowed as I thought my girlfriend was playing around…until I looked down and saw large, rough arms leading to a large rough man with a haggard face, and hatred in his eyes as he threw me over his shoulder and ran.
I clawed whatever I could around me; arms, back, shoulders. I needed to-
He screeched and shook me violently as my short nails found purchase and tore open his skin.
"LET GO OF HIM!" Snotlout roared, his voice squeaking with the strain.
"YEAH!" the twins echoed, lobbing their stones at Mildew's head, then ripping up cabbages and throwing those when they ran out, as Snotlout tackled the old man to the ground, flinging me to the ground with them.
As the impact of my body on the hard-packed dirt rocked through me, I rolled over and sunk my teeth into the offending limb still gripping my shirt until I felt the hold loosen. I ripped away from the weakening hold and bolted off into the woods. Running and running as the andrelaine and something deeper rushed through me, urging me forward, leaving the shouts of my friends behind.
I bit down on the flesh before my face, satisfied as blood filled my mouth until the man threw me to the ground. My hands and knees grazed the concrete alleyway, a steel-toed boot following my descent to kick me in the gut, breaking something inside. "YOU dare to bite me, YOU DISGUSTING-"
I slipped and fell on the forest floor, gasping and out of breath. Curling into a ball, I grabbed a handfull of dirt, leaves and sticks, biting my lip to keep myself in the present, away from the nightmare. My breaths cut in and out of my lungs in sharp gasps in between growls and snarls of anger.
"H-Hiccup?"
I ignored Snotlout, dropping my fistful of forest to press my hands to my eyes, focusing on my breathing, trying to ease the tight ball of anger in my chest.
Warmth touched my shoulder and I flinched, breath hitching as my heart stuttered.
"Hiccup…? Wh-What's-"
"Nothing. It's nothing," I quipped with a shake of my head, hands turned to cover my face that was now wet with tears.
He placed his hand on my shoulder, and I couldn't tell if his hand was shaking or if I was shaking or if the ground was shaking and I just-
I shook my head again, attempting to sit up as I shrugged off Snotlout's hand, not wanting to be touched. Forcing the memories back, I tried to keep the world from spinning, my hands levering me against the earth as I forced myself still. It nauseated me but I was sitting up, leaves and dirt falling from my hair as I did.
"Hiccup-"
"FUUUUUUCK!" I screamed, punching the tree near me. "FUCK! FUCK! FUUUUUUCK!" I hit the tree again; a gentle rustling of leaves sounding above me. "I'm so fucking sick of this shit." I stood up, glaring at the ever-present clouds and glared, shaking one of my fists. "Is THIS what you wanted?! I've been trying SO HARD this entire time! Couldn't you AT LEAST make it EASIER for me by-" I screamed unintelligibly, punching the tree again, and stomping my feet.
I fell back hard onto my back, teeth gritted and glaring at the clouds as my gaze blurred, more tears rolling down my face. "Couldn't you have… at least, let me… not be sick here?"
"Whoooooa, what language is that?" Tuffnut laughed as he looked down at me, my face scrunching up into a scowl as he did. "Hiccup, do you have a twin?"
"Wouldn't we know?" Ruffnut pondered from behind him as he turned to look at her outside of my vision.
"What other explanation would there be?" he huffed.
"Shut. Up," I hissed in agitation.
"Well-"
"STOP!" Snotlout yelled, coming over to me. I glared at him too, sick and tired of… everything. "Hiccup… W-We uhh," he paused, taking a deep breath as he rubbed his arm. "We can make Mildew not tell your dad… if-if you're worried. I mean- we weren't really in the wrong…"
"You're wrong," I whispered.
"Yeah, you can blame us. We started it," Ruffnut said, coming to sit near my feet.
"Uh, by we, I think you mean you," Tuffnut smirked.
"Oh, suuuuure, it was all me, not like you weren't-"
"SHUT UP!" I yelled, sitting up and glaring at them all. "YOU AREN'T EVEN REAL!" I pulled my knees into my chest, thunder rumbling from the south. "You… aren't even… real…" I sighed, placing my forhead to my knees.
"Look, Hiccup-" Snotlout started.
"No, Snotlout."
"Hiccup!" Snotlout growled, hands grabbing my shoulders harshly. "WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?!" he yelled, my body shuddering from the noise. I peered up at him through my bangs tiredly. His mouth was formed into a tight line, his eyes glossy with unshed tears, his eyebrows bunched together and low over his eyes.
"Leave me alone," I whispered, turning my gaze back to my knees. I'm a horrible person. Hurting these kids. Who cares if they're real or not? Who cares if you're real or not? You're just as much a burden in this world as you were in the last… Why do you even bother anymore? You should just leave them alone and let them live their lives. You should just-
"No."
I gazed blankly up at Snotlout, his eyes no longer gloosy but holding a hard glint. "It's better if you do."
"No, you muttonhead," Snotlout growled, punching my shoulder.
"Yeah, muttonhead," Tuffnut joined in, also punching my shoulder.
"I'm not going. You're my friend," Snotlout growled, folding his arms over his chest. "And not even my dad could make me stop. Understand?"
I sighed, rubbing the sore spot on my shoulder, feeling the aches and stinging sensations in my knuckles from hitting the tree. "You don't."
"AARGHHHH! THEN TELL ME!"
"You can't understand," I sighed, headache forming behind my eyes. That's what I get for not self-caring, I guess.
Small hands fisted in the yak fur vest enveloping my shoudlers, pulling me up and forward awkwardly over my knees to face Ruffnut, who was glaring at me.
"You don't get to decide that," she snapped, blue eyes thin glinting strips of anger. "Only we get to decide if we're muttonheads."
"But-" I blustered.
"Try. Me," Snotlout huffed.
I pulled myself out of Ruffnut's grip and stood above their places on the forest floor. "I CAN'T!" I stomped my foot. "All- ALL of the words that I could use, BEFORE, I can't use NOW!" I gripped the two edges of the vest over my chest, gritting my teeth harder. "Words like c-ptsd, and mental illness mean NOTHING here!" I stomped my foot again and shook my head angrily. "You know what happened? I had a flashback with a little fun panic attack at the end of it and you know what? No one here can help me with that because I'm sick in a way that no one understands and just-" I stopped, glaring down at my feet as my insides squirmed, my heart hurt, and everything ached.
"Y- you're sick?" Snotlout whimpered. "Are you going to- No, no, can I help?"
I shrugged. "It's a head sickness, lots of bad dreams, no… motivation? No strength to do… stuff. And lots of… bad… stuff."
"Ohhhhhh, you're just sick in the head," Tuffnut sighed with a roll of his eyes. "You could've just said."
Ruffnut rolled her eyes and leaned back on her elbows. "Yeeeeeah, us Thorstons have that. Like, almost all of us. The simplest term for it is 'crazy' but us Thorston's call it, uhhh… Tuffnut?"
"Mind armour, dear sister," he offered.
"Why thank you, dear brother. Yes, 'mind armour' is what we call it."
I pinched the bridge of nose, headache worsening with their words. What on Earth are they talking about?
"What are you muttonheads talking about?" Snotlout groaned with a roll of his eyes.
I looked over at him with a small smile.
"Well, our mother told us that, in some cases, when the mind goes through something really bad-"
"Like really really bad," Tuffnut smirked spreading his hands wide as if measuring badness.
"Not always that bad, but that too, then the mind will take that badness and make armour to protect from that," Ruffnut announced, smirking from her place on the ground.
"The armour won't always be that great though," Tuffnut sighed, hand on chin.
"Though that is probably due to human error," Ruffnut chimed in with a point to her brother.
Tuffnut pointed back. "I think you're right, dear sister."
Snotlout cleared his throat and stood with a glance over at me as he dusted of his pants.
"Did you get any of that?" he whispered as Tuffnut launched himself at Ruffnut and started wrestling.
I rubbed my hands over my face, leaving them covering the bottom half of my face as I watched the twins beat each other up.
"Hiccup?"
I glanced over at Snotlout shakily. "What do they're parents do?"
Snotlout looked confused. "I dunno, uhh- stop them from fighting, I guess-"
"No, I mean," I breathed, eyes clearing, "in the village?"
Snotlout placed his hand on his chin and tilted his head side to side. "Uhh, normal Viking stuff? They're on the council with Dad, and they do stuff with the animals and farming… Ahhh, and they do a lot with they're entire family. Like dinner once a week with all of them, uhhh…"
"You guys should come sometime!" Tuffnut laughed from the ground as Ruffnut stood and grinned down at him.
"I mean… sure… but do any of… the Thorstons do work with… uhh, mind armour? I'm being serious…" Though if any of them are something like a psychologist… they might think I'm just making up my past life…
Ruffnut shrugged. "Mayyyyybe?"
"I dunno… I mean- it is… pretty- individual," Tuffnut wheezed from the groaned.
"Yeah, like one of our Aunts takes some stuff that Gothi gave her, but for the most part?" Ruffnut shrugged. "We like how our mind armour is. We just," she shrugged again, "work with it you know?"
"And for non-Thorstons?" I asked with a sigh.
"Oh that's easy," Ruffnut laughed as she came over to me, eyes glinting mischeivously. "Become a Thorston."
"Be serious, Ruff," Snotlout sighed, putting his hand on my shoulder. "I think she means… uhm…" He puffed up his cheeks as he thought. "That we're family? Like family?" He rubbed his arm nervously and scuffed his shoe. "And uh… talk to us? Like… it may not always help but uhhh, w- we're here?"
"Why are you mature?" I grumbled, fake glaring. I'm supposed to be the one who knows everything here, damnit.
"Yeeeeah, Snot, since when do you know things?" Ruffnut laughed from the ground.
"Hey!" he snapped, face bright red.
I wrapped my arms around his shoulders. "Thank you…" I felt guilty for my meltdown, but I felt… maybe… I could trust these three? Maybe… Just a little… "Sorry…"
Snotlout hugged me back. "Muttonhead," he sighed.
Ruffnut's arms came around us. "Isn't this nice?"
Tuffnut's joined soon after. "Group hug!"
"Ew, no," Ruffnut huffed and shoved her brother. "You ruined it."
"No, you ruined it with your girl germs," Tuffnut bantered back, tackling his sister to the ground again.
A laugh was startled out of me as Snotlout and I were knocked over as well, disloging a tiny part of the ache in my chest.
Climbing up the rope ladder I hung from my bedpost and out my window, I made my way up and into my room. It was easier to avoid the awkward conversation with Stoic this way.
I had finished eating dinner with fishlegs and his family not long ago, with his dad offering to teach me farming stuff when I asked him too many questions about what he does…
Loud voices echoed from up the stairs when I stepped down into my room and I flinched, instinct telling me to move without making a sound.
I felt… a little guilty after talking with Snotlout and the twins…
It's not Stoic's fault that I'm… hurting. He's been trying to be helpful, even if it would be easier if he weren't trying. I just… feel like I can't tell him about… my past life. It's scary. I don't think he'd kill me, or hurt me, but… I don't think I'd believed either… not at this point… and if I was believed? …I don't know if it would be safe… What if… What if I was banished from the tribe?
A loud bang shook the house, and silence fell downstairs.
Creaping over to the staircase to moved quietly to my front and tried to listen for any words.
"Stoic," I heard Gobber sigh.
"No, Gobber, you don't understand. He's avoiding me,"Stoic growled, followed by another loud bang. I think he was hitting the table.
"No, I do! Look, I talked to 'im today-"
"Did he tell you anything? Is he really being harrassed by-"
"No, no, no. He insisted that wasn't it… but I told 'im 'e could talk to us, to you. I just don' think 'e's ready to just yet…"
"It's been months, Gobber! MONTHS! If he isn't ready to talk yet then when?" My chest pinched with guilt. See, it would've been better if you'd just died when you had and then-
"I don't know!" Gobber yelled. "I don't know…"
"I just wish I knew what is wrong with him…" Stoic sighed, the sound of fabric shifting. "He just says it's nightmares but… Are nightmares really that bad? The bags under his eyes are getting worse each month and I-" Stoic paused, his voice going really quiet. "What if… I lose him?"
I moved away from the door, chilled as I heard a quiet sob from Stoic.
I moved to curl up under my blanket, too cold inside. I- I can't tell him. A small tear slipped from my swollen eyes, even as I thought I was out of them. You've already lost him… I'm… I'm not…
"I'm so sorry… So… so… sorry…"