She barely took the time to put on her jeans and top, desperately hoping it wasn't too late yet but almost sure it was. The moment she got outside she heard it. Oh God no. That sound - she knew that sound so well. A vampire getting dusted. Would a vampire dusting himself sound any different? Please no. Would Spike really do that? He'd tried it before. And she'd seen his eyes when he left. Dead, cold, all the pain safely locked away. Or rather brutally shoved down. A man on a mission. Oh God. She should have known.

The first thing Buffy noticed was a pile of dust on the ground. Her knees buckled and she fell, unable to scream, unable to cry. He'd really done it. Using her stake. In a brutally ironic way that made sense. Spike was gone, a life of over a century crushed, and it was her fault. If she'd treated him better back then. If she'd stayed away from him just now. If she'd made different calls. God she missed him so much it physically hurt...

And then her slayer senses kicked in. Vampire nearby. Looking up she noticed a dark figure in a crouch on the ground a few meters away. Could that -

"Spike?", she cried out and lept to her feet, rushing over to him, but she stopped dead in her tracks when she realized he was playing with her stake. He looked up at her, and for a horrible moment he reminded her of the Spike that had come back from Africa bat shit crazy.

"He wouldn't let me think. I need to think", he said, and he even sounded like back then. Contemplating the deadly weapon in his hand he mused:

"I should have done it. Bloody just done it."

That sounded way calmer, more composed, more like the later Spike - which scared her even more.

Buffy approached him like she would have approached someone who was holding a gun to their head.

"Spike."

It took him forever to focus on her again, but somehow she just knew she had to give him that time. It nearly killed her. If she just launched herself at him, would she be able to wrestle the stake out of his hand?

He finally did look at her.

"I'm sorry, Buffy. I didn't mean for you to see this."

Tears shone in his eyes and she almost missed his next words.

"I can't do it with you looking."

The stake dropped from his hand and he just sagged. Buffy moved closer, getting in the right position to kick the stake away from him. It made him smile, she could tell from his voice even though he wasn't looking at her.

"Don't worry. I won't do it."

'Not now, not with me looking', Buffy thought. She moved in, pulling him close, and he let her, but his arms didn't come up. He tolerated her holding him, but he remained completely passive. 'God what have I done to him.' They knelt on the ground, Buffy holding Spike, her mind racing. He was so still. She didn't think he was breathing. And he didn't relax into her embrace. It felt like he was waiting – waiting for her to let go. That's what he had asked her to do. Let him go. But she couldn't. She realized he'd just stay like that forever if she didn't say anything, do anything. So she whispered:

"I told you. I'm not ready for you to not be here."

He pulled back a little.

"Here?"

"In – this world."

'In my life.' She couldn't say it back then. She was dying to say it right now. But she didn't.

"There's nothing for me in this world, Buffy."

It could have been melodramatic, but it wasn't. He was stating another fact.

"I was - passing the time. Trying not to think about you. Trying to forget the way you feel, smell, taste."

And she'd dragged him back. Claimed him again. He stood, pulling her up with him and holding her at arm's length.

"Maybe I can do it again."

Maybe he couldn't.

"Promise."

He raised his eyebrow.

"Promise you what, luv?"

"Don't kill yourself. I need to know that you're -"

OK? Alive?

"- out there."

He closed his eyes.

"Don't make me."

It would mean taking away that escape. If he promised her, she knew he'd keep that promise. For as long as she was alive he'd stay around, no matter how much pain it might mean. Forcing that promise out of him was just as selfish as about anything else she'd ever done to him. She smiled through tears she hadn't even noticed before. She needed to set him free.

"OK", she whispered and kissed him, soft, gentle, for once trying to just give, not take from him. "I won't."

She could taste his relief as he framed her face and kissed her back, more forceful than she'd expected.

"I love you, slayer", he breathed, and then he let go and disappeared. Buffy kept her eyes closed until she couldn't feel his presence anymore. At least until the slayer in her couldn't.