Beta'd by ebineez01, who has a lot on her mind and took the time anyway. Thanks for pointing out that little flaw :-)
Buffy didn't hear from Spike nor did she run into him again. She was almost certain he hadn't done anything to himself – but she couldn't be entirely sure. And it was driving her nuts. Steven sat her down one evening and got the truth out of her. She was surprised at how calm he was, but all he said was:
„Honey, I told you – I'm not a jealous man. You need to let off some steam with a vamp – that's OK with me. Just don't lie to me."
Huh. She almost wished he'd make a scene, or punish her in some way, but he was his usual calm and sweet self and really didn't seem to think it was a big deal.
'As long as it's only physical', he'd said.
Was it? Spike had said it wasn't for him, and she believed him. It was obvious he loved her. But what was it that she felt? In any case she missed him. She wanted to be around him, talk to him. Maybe be friends, but that would never work. Let alone friends with benefits. Spike was so intense, he wanted to possess and be possessed. Scratch that. He needed it. It was the only way he knew how to love. And he had to be terribly lonely. Would he still be in town? Probably not. Maybe he'd gone back to Europe. Put some distance between them. Like an ocean or something. She had to know, so she went to the only source she could think of.
Angel wouldn't tell her where Spike was. He wouldn't even tell her if he knew where he was. Or if he was alive.
"I wouldn't tell you even if I knew", had been his exact words. He was convinced finding Spike was a bad idea. Those two were majorly bad for each other. And Buffy was a happily married woman. So what good would it do to tell her Spike was in Spain.
After Buffy had left Wolfram and Hart it took her a minute to realize her senses had kicked in – all those demons in the building had messed up her radar...but out in the street she detected a single vampire. She whirled around and pinned said vampire to the nearest wall. And then she let her go.
"Harm?"
Now that came as a surprise. Well not so much with Harmony working for Angel and all, but...anyway. Buffy cleared her throat.
"How's it going?"
"Pretty good actually. Angel has recently given me a raise, I haven't killed anyone I wasn't supposed to in over a year – oh and you should see my boyfriend."
"U-hu...I mean good for you. Why are you following me?"
Harmony leaned in.
"I accidentally forgot to plug my vampire ears when you were in Angel's office."
Great. So Harmony knew she was looking for Blondie Bear. Buffy had to suppress a grin. Why Spike hadn't staked Harm the first time she called him that was beyond her. Like a lot of things concerning Spike and Harmony were beyond her. Hell, the whole idea of Harmony and Spike -
"Barcelona", Harmony said with a surprisingly soft smile. "Spike runs W&H's branch in Italy."
At the look on Buffy's face she burst out laughing.
"Sorry. Inside joke. I know Barcelona is in Spain."
Spike had told her that more than once. She thought back to all those late night/early morning beers – vodka and blood cocktails for her, mostly – she'd had with Spike until he finally made up his mind to take Angel's offer. She had been surprised when he'd declined London, but he seemed to love all those little tapas bars he told her about when they talked on the phone. Staying out of the sun was a bit of a problem, and whenever he complained she'd tease him about reconsidering London or applying for Helsinki. But he sounded good, even happy.
Harmony realized the slayer was staring at her.
"Right. Barcelona. He's on our payroll. Checks go to this address."
She held out a slip of paper. Buffy stared at the Spanish words as if they were some demon language. And there was a phone number, too. What a weird thought. Call him. She was so deep in thought she didn't even say thank you, but Harmony just smiled and disappeared.
She didn't call. What on earth would she say to him, on the phone, an ocean away. But she imagined it, tried to remember his voice, the British accent that had always sounded exotic in Sunnydale even though she should have been used to it after all that time with Giles. How the accent had changed when he was angry, or in pain. Oh God, she missed him so badly. A phone call would only make that worse. A phone call wouldn't do.
~o0o~
Buffy looked from Harm's note to the building and back. A bookstore. Now that didn't make any sense. She'd expected a law firm's office, like the LA branch. But then again if Spike was really here, even in charge – Spike in charge of anything still sounded very weird – he wasn't really a lawyer type of guy. But a book store? Why not records, or a club, or...And then she saw him. She stood outside the store, looking in, and there he was, his back half turned, but she'd recognize his stature anywhere. He wore a black button down shirt and black jeans, and he still wasn't blonde. And that was still wrong. He was talking to a customer, and when he turned around Buffy ducked and fled. What was she supposed to say to him? In front of other people?
She looked up the store's opening hours and decided to come back later. Around closing time. Trying to pass the time in her hotel room she practiced what she was going to say to him. God when did talking to Spike become a nerve wrecking undertaking? She was the slayer, damn it. Vamp conversation should be an easy task. But it wasn't. This was Spike. William the Bloody with a soul, running the Barcelona branch of an evil law firm, in the disguise of a book store. Her head hurt from all the trying to wrap it around stuff. And then she just broke down on her bed and cried. She'd done that quite a bit in the past few weeks. Steven had never mentioned Spike again and neither had she, and she hated the fact that she hadn't been honest with her husband. Hadn't that been the only thing he'd asked of her? But what could she have told him? 'I'm off to Europe to find that vamp I'm supposed to have a purely physical bed thing with?'
~o0o~
The little bell above the door almost made Buffy jump. God, she was tense.
"Perdona, pero estamos cerrando -"
And then Spike met her eyes and just froze. Could vampires go into shock? Stupid, stupid Buffy. She should have called him. He was still staring at her, holding the book he had been about to put back in mid air. And then he dropped it. He winced as it hit the floor, picked it up and ran his thumb over the corner, again and again. Buffy came closer. She hesitated for a moment, and then she put her hand over his, stilling his movement.
"Hey", she said. "I'm sorry I didn't call first."
It so wasn't what she had practiced. But it was the only thing that came to her mind.
"Buffy."
Tired, exhausted. He finally turned to the shelf and put the book away, stalling.
"Spike."
What had she been thinking. Her turning up out of the blue – that was probably the last thing he wanted. When he finally turned back and looked at her she could read him like an open book. Everything he felt was written all over his face: Pain, hope, longing, and even a sweet, pure, childlike joy that she couldn't remember ever seeing on him.
"Buffy", he said again, and there was nothing but joy in his voice. She could tell he was holding back though, waiting for her to make a move. She lifted her hand and touched his cheek, the tiniest caress, and this time he did move into it as if he was starving. A moment later he kissed her palm, and then her wrist, and then he pulled her into his arms and buried his face in the crook of her neck.
"God, Buffy, I can't believe you're here."
She'd come. She'd found out where he was, and she'd come to him. All the way from LA just for him. Or not?
He pulled back.
"What are you doing here?"
Buffy tilted her head and raised her eyebrows.
"Seriously?"
She'd had the quip on the tip of her tongue already, but at the look in his eyes she swallowed it. She just knew if she said the wrong thing now, it'd shatter him. So she reached for his hands.
"I was looking for you."
Still not the right words. He straightened.
"Trouble in LA?"
"Spike, if there was some kind of demony problem going on, don't you think your boss would have called you?"
He held her eyes, waiting, his expression guarded now. Could he make this any harder?
What was she doing in Barcelona after all? All the lines she had practiced, all the speeches she had prepared. 'I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him -'. No. That one she had tried once, in front of the mirror, when Steven had been out with his buddies and she had gotten very, very drunk on a bottle of south African red wine, and even then she had hated it. The irony of it, the two of them, standing rooted to the spot, in a bookstore of all places, make her burst into laughter. And then she looked at Spike again and wished she could erase the last 15 seconds from both their lives. He looked – tortured. That was the only word she could find, and she'd seen him tortured before. The laughter died and she felt like it might choke her.
"No, Spike, I'm sorry. I'm just -"
She took a breath.
"I'm so tense I can barely breathe. Not so good with the thinking straight, either."
She moved in, deliberately invading his space, and he pulled her against his chest so hard he might have crushed her if it hadn't been a slayer in his arms.
"I missed you, Spike. It was killing me, not knowing if you were -"
"Still around?", he breathed.
"Yeah. Harmony told me where you were."
She could feel him smile against her skin.
"And you came."
"Yeah. I'm sorry it took me so long."
He let go and looked at her.
"I have eternity to wait for you, slayer. I was in no hurry."
Yeah right. As if he hadn't counted the days, just like he had back then. He still couldn't believe she had come to him. Whatever that meant, but she'd found him and made the journey, and she felt amazing in his arms. For tonight, life was good.
She stepped out of his embrace and looked around the store.
"I was expecting something else when Harm said 'Barcelona branch of W&H'."
"Yeah, well, didn't wanna be bored more to death at some office. Books are more fun."
"Huh?"
Spike gave her an amused smile but said nothing.
"Why not – I don't know, records, maybe?"
"There's no market for records these days" - Buffy was still looking at him like he'd grown another head - "but I do trade in them. Kind of an addition, for the collectors."
He gestured to the back of the store. She couldn't believe he had an actual gramophone. But hey. Ancient person present. Spike saw her looking at it.
"What do you want to hear?"
"Surprise me", she said, looking up at him. He held her eyes, unable to look away. After a beat he cleared his throat.
"I guess The Ramones won't do then."
When Buffy heard the first chords she started to smile. Spike held out his hand to her, and she took it, allowing him to lead her.
"I didn't know you could dance."
Spike glanced at the long rows of books surrounding them.
"There's a lot you don't know about me, slayer."
They didn't speak for a while, listening to Frank Sinatra, lost in thought and in each other.
I practice every day to find some clever
lines to say
To make the meaning come true
But then I think I'll wait until the evening
gets late
And I'm alone with you
Buffy chuckled.
"What?"
"Nothing."
When the song ended Buffy pulled back.
"What is it that you want, Spike?"
He gave her the softest smile.
"What I've always wanted. You."
"Yeah but what does that mean?"
"I want you to be mine, like I've been yours for so long. Have you. Be with you."
"Yeah, but -"
"You mean what would we do, where would we live? I don't care! That's not important. I want you. Period."
"And you're still not willing to... you know... share?"
"Share? You? No way in hell. And it's not a matter of being willing...you don't ask a fish if it's willing to live out of water. I can't. So I guess it comes down to what you want, Buffy."
She retreated even further, biting her lip, avoiding his eyes.
"I'm not saying you need to make a decision now. I'm not going anywhere."
She raised her eyebrows.
"You know that I mean. Whenever you make that decision - I'll be there."
"What, you're just gonna wait for me to make up my mind?"
"What else would I do?"
"I don't know, move on?"
Spike looked at her as if she'd just said the stupidest thing in the world, but he didn't comment.
~o0o~
Back in her hotel room Buffy was pacing. When her phone rang she almost jumped out of her skin. Steven. Oh God. She felt like she couldn't breathe, but she picked up anyway.
"Hey honey, how's Europe? It's not the middle of the night over there, is it?"
When she didn't say anything he sobered.
"Honey? Buff, are you OK?"
Buffy swallowed.
"Yeah. Yeah, I'm good."
"You sound awful. What's wrong?"
"I can't do this over the phone."
There was a long silence.
"Buffy, what exactly is it that you're doing in Spain?"
She closed her eyes and sat down on the bed.
"It's about Spike, Steven. I'm in Europe to see Spike."
Another break.
"Oh. And you couldn't have told me that?"
"I didn't know... How things would go..."
"Yeah I guess I could have told you that. I get eternal youth and vampire strength, honey. I know you're into him. As long as you come home to me..."
Buffy couldn't say anything, and she could feel Steven tense.
"Hon, you are coming home, right?"
It took her too long to say yes.
"What, it's just sex, right? Letting off steam. Baby?"
"I'm not sure, Steven."
Nothing. For a long time, and then Steven said, his voice completely controlled:
"Do you love him?"
Buffy took a breath. Did she? Oh God. She thought she'd choke on the word:
"Yes."
"What about me?"
"I love you, too."
"That's bullshit."
How very alike they were. Underneath all the obvious differences , when it came to matters of the heart, they felt exactly the same way. Love couldn't be divided. They really believed that, both of them. It wasn't true for her though. She did love both of them, equally. And it broke her heart.
A/N: The song, in case you didn't know, is "Something Stupid".