Verse 1:
Young ladies in search of pastries, bonnets, and young men
Find the traffic at Union Passage annoying
But if it happens that they run into a good old friend again
Soon, with his affections, they will be toying
Refrain:
John Thorpe has the fastest gig
James Morland's dreams are big
But as so often and unfortunately happens in the end
Those girls don't give a fig
Verse 2:
At every ball, a girl needs a dancing partner
One almost don't care who
Someone is going to get his heart broke
Oh, it just might be you.
Verse 3:
Young girls have a thing for old castles
They'll lead any boy on just to get there
But if you think you'll become her master
You'll find cupboard's bare.
Verse 4:
You figure things are hot
You figure in the plot
But you're no Darcy, Wentworth, Knightly or Bingley
A handsome, rich, agreeable hero you're not.