Chapter 12

I am in a corner of the computer´s lab, a place usually deserted, trying to control my breathing. It is recess time, I have escaped the worried look from the heir of my brother´s googles because I want nobody to see me like this, not even the closest ones to me. He and the girl of the glasses have learned that when I have a breakdown, I can´t talk to anyone and they should leave me alone to reorder my thoughts.

It is too much for just one week.

I enter the classroom as if my soul had left my body, I don´t know exactly how did I get there or in that position on the floor or if someone saw me. Right now I couldn´t care less. I am not sure if I can keep this façade, the everything-is-fine smile. I´ve try to keep it up for too long, and until some minutes before I could, but it is just too much for me to handle right now.

I hug my knees closer to my chest and push my back against the hard cold wall.

I can´t.

I can. I can. I can.

I won´t cry. I won´t.

Inhale, exhale and repeat. I close my eyes as if that could calm me the only thing I get is the images in my head of three mocking smiles. No. Inhale, exhale and repeat. I close my eyes again, but now I can see the looks of indifference between those whom are supposed to love each other. Why do people get marry if they are not sure of their feelings? Can you ever be sure? Someone that love another person can stop loving said person or if that happens that was never love? Inhale, exhale and repeat. I close my eyes for the third time and I see a pair of eyes of the color of a jade, those are from the guy that told me… he said so many things, almost none true. I thought I was over it.

I have a lump on my throat. I open my eyes slowly to find myself in front of a pair blue irises, those are too real to be an illusion. I suppress a sob and try to contain the tears that threaten to come out. The boy does not say a word, he just stands there, kneeling in front of me. His blond hair is messy, his shirt out of place, like his tie and his expression ... his expression does not want to let me see beyond it.

I do not want to leave you either, he once told me.

I was hoping he wouldn´t see me like this. Not you, not again.

You were the one who always cried, I used to make you see the light. I do not like this change of roles.

-You should go away, I bring many problems to the people that get close to me and you know it. - I warn him, but my voice sounds shaky.

I'm deep in the dark and I do not want to drag you. I knew you would not understand, that you would try to stay close, that's why I behaved like this. I knew I could not keep myself away, so I created a character for you: the villain. I was relieved when you followed the game. I felt betrayed when you followed the game.

-It is not only you.

His expression is serene. I shake my head. You have so many good things in your life, I do not want to take them away from you. Stay away, otherwise you will fall with me into the darkness.

I hug my legs and I support my chin on my knees.- I'm of bad luck.

Get away, run, go. Please stay.

-There is nothing that can happen to me. My grades are average, except in literature and sports. My friends can´t really fall into that category. The girl that I... - lengthen the last syllable is extended until it is lost, then he changes the argument: - I hardly see my only brother and my parents are divorced.

Maybe that should make me feel better, think that, maybe, it does not matter if it comes around. But the tragedies of other people does not make mine more bearable. I close my eyes one more time. I can not stop thinking about the last thing he said. I can not stop thinking about what I've heard lately.

-Mine should be.

He is surprised at this.

You always saw them smiling, no one ever told you it was not real, right? You see, the masks are in the family. It's easier if you carry them in your veins. Probably no one would believe me if I told them, but if they knew what I have seen and heard... the looks, the pots flying, the shutting doors, the yelling... oh, the things they yell. And Tai is away.

-Not everything is what it seems, remember?

I laugh without a trace of emotion. The laughter comes out completely empty, however, I can not avoid it. I look crazy. His gentle face changes little by little until he reveals the restlessness he feels. I keep laughing, because all this is so unreal. His arms surround me and draw me to his chest.

-I don´t want it to be real.- I admit against his shirt.

He does not answers, it only envelops me strongly.

-I don´t want...- I break.

He hugs me tightly with one arm and with the other hand strokes my hair. I can not hold back the crying, so I let it flow. I did not want to do it, however, I can not help it. I am momentarily surprised myself by how many tears I have, well I had. I cling to his shirt with both hands: it feels so real, so sure, I do not want to let go. I feel that if I do, everything will crumble around me and the dark sea will consume me.

It is so complicated to push away what feels so good, even though I know that it will do me no good. No good at all.

My emotions have decided to make a tornado inside of me. They go so fast I do not know what's happening to me anymore. I'm a mess. I do not want him to put everything in its place, I want to do it myself. I wasn´t kidding when I said I did not need to be saved. I can do it on my own. I will not be a burden.

What was that?

I pull away from him a little confused. A little blush covers his cheeks, but he keeps my gaze. His hands are on my shoulders and mine on his shirt. He straightens up a bit without breaking the contact (neither the visual nor the physical). Then he bends and puts his lips softly on my forehead, my eyes close involuntarily.

It's the same feeling of before.

He takes my hands in his and gets up. He pulls me to imitate him, that I do. He leads me to the door, releases my right hand and opens the door. He leads me by the empty corridors to another door. He leaves me there and enters, I stand still waiting. He leaves in a few seconds, takes me by the wrist and pulls me towards him. Once inside, I can not help but see my reflection. My face is swollen; My red eyes and nose. I'm a real mess.

He approaches me with a bit of toilet paper, I watch him surprised. With one hand he holds my face and with the other he wipes away my tears. It's so bizarre. Through the mirror I see the pieces of paper that are lagging behind my face because of how wet they are. A laugh is heard, perplexed, I realize it was mine. Playfully I take the paper and continue the task for myself.

-I am sorry.- I pronounce slowly every syllable, apologizing after a little while.

He shrugs. -Crying does not make you less strong, just a human being. I shake my head.

-I am a crybaby.

-It's a way to vent your feelings. -I see him frown.- If every time you cry you're a baby, I should have continued to wear diapers until thirteen. - He says, his gaze fixed on the reflection in my eyes.

Thirteen was the age when you left. No, it was a year later.

I shake my head.

-Thank you.- I appreciate it without looking at it.

I'm not sure I can stand seeing him after this "episode". I do not know when I started to be so proud. No, actually, I know exactly the moment: when I broke up with my, now, ex. After that, I decided not to trust someone else again with my happiness or anything like that. I know I implicitly accepted his offer to start over, however, I do not feel comfortable with the arrangement. Letting him look how vulnerable I am was not part of my plans. It was not that I had plans. -No problem- he says solemnly.

Nothing has changed between us.

A/N: The next chapter will not be the same as the one in my fic in Spanish.