****Trigger warning for self harming, suicide ideation, depression, and parental conflict*****
"So you think she's cutting?"
"Yes."
"There weren't any scars on her arms and she and her father made no mentions in her chart that she self-harms or has a history of self-harming during intake."
Amira blinked dubiously, pursing her lips. "I believe she's cutting her thighs."
"…Keep track of her pants."
Amira rolled her eyes, mentally preparing herself for her meeting with both Riley and her parents. "Alright."
Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
Riley didn't remember what she had for breakfast.
(Probably nothing.)
She honestly didn't miss food. She didn't have much of an appetite anymore, she looked over at Lucas who was speaking to Maya, her two friends had the biggest smiles on their faces just speaking to each other.
'He never looks at me like that.' Riley thought miserably.
Supposedly Maya was becoming like her. But Riley had thought of it for a while, to be honest, for a long time. It was a thought that wouldn't stop processing.
Yes Maya was starting to dress like her, doing better in school like her, and becoming more polite like her. But Lucas had still chosen Maya over her.
Her own mother has chosen to dote on Maya over her.
Riley bit her lip at that, that one still stung the most.
She felt a hand lightly touch hers', Zay was peering at her.
"You okay?"
Riley smiled, "Yes." She shook her head and continued to smile. "I'm good!"
Lucas and Maya went back to their conversation.
Zay on the other hand kept his hand around Riley's to her surprise. "You hardly ate." He told her, chin jutting out at the still filled tray.
Riley shrugged, "I had a big breakfast." She lied easily with a smile.
Zay could only study her. "Okay." He said, he kept his hand on hers'.
Riley looked past them to see Smackle and Farkle walk towards them, she smiled at them as well. "Hello to the lovely couple." She greeted them in a tone that sounded too forcefully happy even to her own ear. The itchiness under her skin started, she could feel it burning the back of her neck and legs. The urge to cut just to release whatever this thing over her was. She berated herself quickly for allowing her mask to break and prayed that the couple didn't notice how fake she sounded or smiled.
"Hello Riley." Smackle smiled back, before Riley could respond Lucas interfered and began to talk to the other girl leaving Riley to peer down at her food.
She felt so over looked.
Maybe Lucas didn't want her opinion on the latest superhero movie.
Maybe Smackle was a better person to ask if the movie was corny.
Maybe she was just wasn't worth having a conversation with.
She felt something squeeze her hand. "Riley?" Zay called out her name softly. "You okay?"
Riley smiled, she just smiled and nodded, hoping that Zay wouldn't let her hand go. It was actually grounding her and the only thing stopping her from running out of the cafeteria and having a panic attack.
She had missed Farkle studying her and glancing at Zay, who could only frown back. The two having their own side conversation about Riley as the other three friends chatted on happily, not realizing their once happy go lucky friend was becoming a shell.
Things were going fine, Riley actually believed she could make it through the school day without having a panic attack till she heard Lucas and Smackle encourage Maya to help out with the drama club's prop and set team. "You're so talented Maya, you could do all the art for the next play with your eyes closed." Lucas complimented her with a genuine smile, Smackle nodded enthusiastically, "You're talents would be greatly appreciated, I've seen some of your abstract paintings hanging in the art classroom, your style definitely meets the criteria of where the drama club wants to be."
It wasn't the glowing compliments from Smackle and Lucas that did it, it wasn't the fact that Maya was receiving the compliments…
…it was just…
Riley's eyes started to burn…
-Two nights ago-
"I'm so proud of Maya." Topanga mused out loud as Cory changed into his night clothes. Topanga was already in bed and reading a book. "She's accomplishing so much and improving as well! I can already picture her selling her artwork in one of those fancy art exhibits in Soho or Manhattan!" Topanga gushed smiling.
Cory nodded, "She's doing great. Grades are picking up all around."
Topanga took a deep breath, "You know I sort of wished she rubbed off of Riley." She admitted, "Riley's never took to a hobby or an extra-curricular. There's no..oomph to her."
Cory frowned as he slid into bed next to her. "Oomph?" he asked almost smiling at his wife's inability to find an adjective.
Topanga smiled back, "You know what I mean. Riley doesn't have a shining talent like Maya. I mean she does well in class but Smackle and Farkle rank above her."
Cory's smile disappeared as he became defensive. "Riley is still the top of her class though, and yeah she hasn't found her calling yet but she's just 14, let her get to know herself."
"Why can't she do that and find something she's good at as well? When I was fourteen I was the top of my class, president of the freshman class, and was writing poetry. I'm just afraid Riley is just floating out there. I want her to be more passionate about something like Maya is."
Cory shook his head in disbelief, "You want our daughter, Riley, to be more like Maya? Did you miss the fact that Maya is becoming Riley?"
Topanga cocked her head to the side and smirked, "Is she turning into Riley or is she just improving while our daughter is just staying stagnant?"
Cory became slack jawed and offended, "Stagnant?"
They continued to argue with Riley just at their door hearing everything.
-Now-
Her own mother thought she was stagnant and had no "discernable talent".
Her own mother.
She got up quickly, throwing her entire tray in the trash, ignoring her friends as they called out for her in concern. She promptly ran to the senior wing and found an empty single bathroom and then had her scheduled panic attack in solace.
But this time she brought her blade…
It helped with the itchiness.
Riley avoided her friends for the rest of the school period, telling them that she had forgotten something important and had to run off and do it.
That seemed to appease their concerns for her a little.
(Farkle looked annoyed. Zay looked pissed.)
Riley found herself sitting on the brown leather chair in Amira's office. A cup of Moroccan mint with honey in her hand, it was something.
"Riley?" Amira asked her, "Did you hear me?"
Riley blinked away her tears, "Yeah."
"Do you having any questions?"
It was there second meeting now. Amira had gone through the whole spiel of HIPAA and informing Riley that everything said in private would stay private unless Riley was planning to kill herself, others, or if someone was hurting her.
'Does my mother count?'
"What?" Amira asked with a confused face.
Riley smiled and shook her head, "Nothing."
Amira frowned, she crossed her legs. "Riley, I heard what you said. I just don't know what that means."
Riley shrugged, "It means nothing." She explained politely.
Amira's frowned deepened. Riley could see her brown eyes study her carefully. "That was one hell of a Freudian slip that I will be bringing up later."
"Later when?"
"Later."
Amira straightened out her paper work and passed it to Riley, "Do you have any questions about your diagnosis?"
Riley had only one: "Will you be putting me on medication?" she asked worriedly. Her knee jittering since she had sat down. Riley loathed the idea of taking medication, she had heard too many horror stories about kids her age on medication. That it made them addictive to other drugs, that it made them suicidal, that they were taken to the hospital and forced the medication if they were non-compliant. She shivered at the idea of being placed in a psych ward and forced fed the pills.
Amira looked considerate. "That's a good question and I'm glad you asked. You would be surprised at how many children and teens just assume that psychiatrist know exactly what they are doing and don't think to ask about medication." She jotted down something quickly in her journal. "Actually I wouldn't recommend you be put on medication. Dysthymia isn't something I would give medication for, it's low level like I said." Amira looked at the watch on her wrist. "You okay with bringing in your folks to help me explain it to them?"
Riley nodded, slightly relieved at the option of medication being taken off the table.
Amira walked out to the waiting room to find the Matthews with their backs turned against her, their voices not as hushed as they thought as they continued to have what appeared to be a loud and harsh whisper argument.
"I don't see why you're opposed to Riley being on medication if she is clinically depressed." Topanga retorted at a annoyed looking Cory.
Cory adjusted himself in his seat so that his whole body was looking at Topanga, "Because we don't know everything yet, we don't know if she even has clinical depression or major depression." Cory argued.
"Either way, she's not acting normal." Topanga hissed back, "We should consider what's best for Riley if she's clinically depressed or has major depression."
Amira cleared her throat, causing the two to jump and turn around in their seats. "Actually clinical depression is major depressive disorder, it's just a general name, but they are one and the same. And in my professional opinion I believe it would be best to discuss this matter in my office." She waited for them to get up before turning on her heel and leading the way back to her office.
She appreciated the fact that both looked abashed.
Riley felt jittery as her parents walked in looking slightly flushed looking behind a stony looking Amira. That didn't bode well for her anxiety at the moment.
"So Mr. and Mrs. Matthews," Amira smiled almost predatory like as she closed her office door.
(Riley frowned at her, what was she missing here?)
"Thank you for joining me. I know we went over the therapist spiel so I'll get straight to the fun part. Based on our evaluations and the inventory forms we diagnosed Riley with persistent depressive disorder, otherwise known as dysthymia. It's a low grade form of depression."
Cory looked at Riley for a moment before asking "And how does that compare to major depressive disorder?"
Amira looked at Riley, "Care to explain Riley?"
Riley nodded, she took a deep breath. "Well, like Ms. Habib said, its low grade, meaning that it isn't as severe as major depressive and my symptoms will come and go." She looked up at Amira for encouragement. "And they have for the past year or so. It wasn't consistent so I just thought I was just having rough days or tiring days. Ms. Habib explained to me that it's chronic but manageable. I just have to work on finding a coping tool and work on some interpersonal stuff."
Cory nodded in understanding and was about to ask about what sort of interpersonal stuff before Topanga cut him off to ask about medication.
Riley became numb. "I don't want medication." She responded quickly.
Topanga sighed, "But it could help, we should consider it at least."
"No!"
Cory sighed, "Topanga, if Riley doesn't want to take medication then she doesn't have to take it."
Topanga looked aghast, "Cory, this isn't about what Riley wants, its about what she needs."
Riley looked up, "And I don't need medication." Riley's voice was sharp and shaky at the same time, she forced herself not to cry.
Topanga face became twisted, "You have depression Riley, if medication helps then you should take it."
"NO! I don't want to end up suicidal or stuck in a hospital because I skipped a few days. I don't want to have my life revolve around taking a pill that forces me to become a different person!" Riley yelled getting up from the couch.
Amira pulled Riley back away from Topanga who had gotten up immediately at Riley yelling at her. "That's enough!" Amira warned the two.
"On the topic of medication, Mrs. Matthews I will not be recommending Riley take medication at this point. Our psychiatrist agrees that she doesn't meet criteria for medication and since we haven't even started interventions it's quite premature to jump immediately to medication." She explained delicately to the three. "I have already planned out Riley's treatment plan for the next 3 months and we will be starting next week." She looked directly at Riley, "And as for what you just said, Riley where did you hear that children were being taken to the hospital and forced fed pills?"
Riley looked down at the ground and shuffled her feet, her knee still shaking. "Around school? Some Facebook profiles…"
Cory rested a hand on her knee and offered her a soft smile, "Honey, you honestly can't believe what your classmates say, things get heavily exaggerated in school and on social media."
"Especially on social media." Amira echoed, she crossed her arms, "Just for future reference Riley, no child, teenager, or adult for that matter, has ever been taken to the hospital because they refused their medication. The only time when they are hospitalized is when they are a threat to themselves or others, even then hospitals can't force feed a patient psychotropic medications. Do you know how many lawsuits would be filed? Days on days of papers work right there." She smiled for a moment before becoming serious again. "And yes, some medication do list suicide ideation as a side effect but if a client has a competent psychiatrist, therapist, and support team then that client shouldn't have to worry. Medication like that isn't used as quick fix, it's used a tool, which is why we don't immediately recommend it until it's needed." Amira leaned over closer to Riley, "I promise you, I haven't failed a client and led them wrong, I'm not about to start it with you, okay?"
Riley smiled, truly smiled this time. "Okay." She wiped away a few stray tears and allowed her father to pull her into a one armed hug. He kissed her gently on her forehead, "You're gonna be alright Riley, you have us. Remember that."
She knew that.
Sort of.
She knew she had her dad's unconditional support and love.
She just wasn't sure if she had her mothers'.
"So you will let us know when it's time for her to be put on medication, correct?" Topanga asked, concern edging the line of her tone.
Yeah, she was sure now.
'Your mother doesn't care about you. She just wants you to go away.'
Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
She was starting to ghost her friends, heck she was starting to ghost herself now.
How had she flunked their latest English assignment of all things?
(…I mean she does well in class but Smackle and Farkle rank above her.")
Her mother's voice and snippy comments had been glued to the deep corners of her mind since she heard them.
She had another panic attack after gym because the gym teacher told her she just wasn't good enough to act as captain for their volley ball game during P.E.
She just wasn't good enough for anything anymore really.
'Persistent is an understatement.' Riley thought bitterly as she packed her bag to leave school and head over to therapy. She pulled out her phone and was surprised to see two missed calls: one from Zay and the other from Maya.
Maya had also sent her a text message.
Maya: ARE YOU OKAY? I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TALK TO YOU ALL DAY. WHERE ARE YOU? :(
Before Riley has a chance to respond she felt a hand grip her arm and turn her around. "What are you doing?" Farkle asked.
Riley looked at her phone and then back at him, "I was about to text Maya. Why? What are you doing?" She asked smiling, feigning ignorance.
Farkle shook his head, "Don't do this to me Riley." He sounded hurt, his blue eyes almost looked misty looking.
"Do what?" Riley asked, ignoring the kick in her stomach
"Don't lie to me. Riley, we promised each other. No more lies." Farkle reminded her
Riley rolled her eyes at him, "I'm not lying. What would I have to lie to you about?" Riley asked him in a challenging tone.
Farkle stood resolute, "About you. Are you okay?"
Riley cocked her head to the side and smiled, "I'm fine, Farkle."
Farkle shook his head, he stepped closer to her which only led to Riley stepping back. He let out a soft sign, she was never like this. "I don't think so. There's something you're not telling me Riley, what is it?"
Riley smiled, she tried her best to make sure her voice was jovial and pleasant as she settle her bag. "I'm fine, Farkle. How many times do I have to tell you that?"
Farkle blocked her path when he realized she was starting to step away, "Till I believe you. Riley I care too much about you to let you keep doing this. I know you better than you think, maybe Maya and Lucas don't want to admit it, but you're not acting like yourself."
"Who am I acting like then Farkle, hmm? Tell me." Riley asked softly.
She was avoiding his gaze.
If anything the old Riley would be staring straight at him.
Farkle cupped her face in one hand to make her look at him, "Not you. This isn't you."
That itchy feeling was a pain.
"I need to go." Riley informed him quickly only to be pulled back towards Farkle. He pulled her sleeve up but only was able to get a glimpse before Riley understood his reasoning of doing so. She pulled her arm away from him quickly. She looked destroyed, "Don't ever do that again." She warned him darkly before slamming her locker and leaving.
Zay waited till she was far away to make an appearance. He let out a low whistle, "How is it that you're the smart one but didn't know not to do that?" he asked the resident genius.
"Something isn't right with her." Farkle stated pointedly.
"Yeah." Zay stressed out like it was obvious, because it was. Anyone could tell there was something off with Riley. "But if she isn't ready to tell us than we can't force her to tell us. That's just going to make her run away from us farther."
"She's already running away from us Zay! She's completely ignoring Maya! That's not normal Riley behavior!" Farkle reasoned, albeit loudly.
Zay stepped back, "First of, control your voice. We don't need Riley's business being advertised across the school. And second, maybe she just needs a break from being "normal" Riley." Zay explained cautiously, air quotes and all. He could tell Farkle was pissed and concerned. He was unsure about how much he could say to Farkle and Maya considering he was the newest member of their group. But it had to be said. "Like I said, we go after Riley to tell us then it's just going to make her go running away from us farther. If she needs to break away for a while to figure some stuff out then let her. She'll come back when she's ready, the most important thing is to make sure she knows we have her back…and not to repeat what you just did. That was dumb."
Farkle took a moment to stare at Zay in awe. "How did you get so good at this?
Zay guffawed, "Pfft, I watched a lot of Oprah."
Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Two cups of tea were settled on the table, along with a bowl of grapes. Riley liked being in therapy, regardless of the fact it was only her third day. The room was always calm and quiet, the scent of oranges and vanilla permeated throughout the room as she took a sip of her chai.
"So you wouldn't be aghast to playing a game, would you?" Amira asked Riley as the older woman pushed back her chair to make room on the floor to sit down. A purple and blue box next to her.
Riley slid down and sat next to her on the ground, "No, what kind of game?" She asked cautiously as she peered at the box. The lid has pictures of a bunch of girls around her age smiling as if the pictures were for a yearbook spread.
Amira dumped out the contents of the box onto the table. "Ever played jenga?"
Riley was surprised, she actually loved the game and had played it many times with her father when she was younger. Unlike the bright orange blocks she was accustomed to, the blocks on the table were purple and blue and had writing on the side.
"What is the one thing you wished people knew about you?" Riley read off the block frowning as she did so.
Amira smiled, she gingerly took back the block to assemble the tower, "As you just saw, its not your usual jenga. It's called emotional jenga. It's a nice little ice breaker game to get to know each other better."
"Never thought we would get to play games in therapy." Riley mused out loud.
Amira laughed, "Ooh, tons of games. Talking can only lead to so many doors." She pointed her thumb at the television and gaming system. "IF you want we could even talk while playing Mario Kart."
Riley genuinely smiled, "I would like that!" it was game she had also played a lot with her dad. They would spend hours on rainy days and played Mario Kart when she was younger. She could clearly remember laughing as she would play as Princess Peach and her dad played at Yoshi (voice and all) as they cookies besides each other.
"Good." Amira replied back, sipping her drink. She motioned her chin towards the assembled blocks. "You go first."
Riley sighed, somewhat knowing that was going to happen. She pulled out a block from the middle of the tower slowly and read it out loud. "Who in your life do you admire?" she didn't give herself a moment to think it over. "My dad."
Amira raised her brow in response, "Why is that?"
Riley shrugged, "Well because he's my dad. He's been there for me through thick and thin, he would watch me while my mother was in law school. We would spend days on end together, he even would take me to his classes when he was getting his master's degree in history." Riley smiled as she remembered going with her dad to his campus library and spending hours reading alongside him. She remembered vividly the pictures of historical figures in the books her dad would read and loved watching historical documentaries with him. "He never let me have a dull day." Riley explained.
Amira chuckled, "That's incredibly sweet." She pulled out a block. "You and your dad sound very close."
Riley nodded, "He's actually my best friend." Riley stated softly, almost surprising herself. She caught Amira smiling at her, "Read yours'."
Amira shook her head and read off the block, "Where is your favorite place? Easy, Housing Works."
Riley grinned excitedly, "The bookstore?"
Amira nodded, "Yep! Is that your favorite place too?" she asked as she set the block aside.
Riley shook her head 'No.', "My favorite place is the American museum of natural history."
"Really? Why?"
Riley shrugged, "They have this really nice planetarium that I love to visit when it's difficult to see the stars. It would better if they didn't down grade Pluto but it's better than having no starts to look at." Riley explained looking sentimental. She was ready to pull out another block but then paused. She shifted her gaze onto her therapist. "I see what you did there."
Amira tilted her head, looking smug. "Been at this for a very long time Riley." She popped a grape into her mouth. "What does your block say?"
Riley pursed her lip, feeling not at all annoyed or betrayed as she thought she would about being tricked to answer a question not directed for her. She pulled out another block and read off the question, "Tell a time where you felt lonely."
Riley smiled, "Never."
Amira looked at her quizzically, "Never?" She repeated.
"I have friends and family, I'm never really alone." She smiled
Amira pressed her lips together, carefully forming her words now. "You're on social media, aren't you Riley?"
"Yes." Riley replied unsure.
"Ever head or seen the word 'eccedentesiast' thrown around?"
"No."
"Well it's not a bad word or anything to that affect, but I think its word that best describes you."
"What does it mean?" Riley asked carefully, not liking where Amira was going. Why did she have to do this, they were playing and having fun just seconds ago.
"It's just a zeitgeist way of saying you wear a smile all the time, even when you don't want to smile. You're just wearing the smile to hide something else from everyone. I think that's what you're doing."
Riley became defensive quick. "No I am not!" She got up to sit on the couch, "I'm just smiling. I always smile. They even call me Smiley Riley!" Riley reasoned, "I just smile. I can't help it." She smiled again to show it was just her thing.
Amira though didn't look convinced, she moved back to sit on her chair. "You see I don't believe you believe that." Amira gently chided, "I saw you smile when you were talking about your dad and when you got excited about Housing Works and the planetarium. Your eyes were just bright, the smile actually met your eyes. But when you tried to convince me that you never felt alone it just didn't meet your eyes, it just was there like a mask instead." Amira told her, passing her a tissue as noticed a stray tear cascade Riley's cheek. "Besides that, now I am just curious about how does a girl who admitted to me only a few days ago that she doesn't know how to be happy any more keep smiling. I genuinely want to know."
Riley felt her body turn cold. She remembered saying that. "I just need to smile." Riley told her, her emotions just barely at the cusp of her control.
"Why though? Why do you need to smile when you can't?"
Riley sniffed, her vision was just blurry and watery now as she remembered what her mother has told her dad. "Because… because it's the only thing I'm good at."