****Trigger warning for: description of self-harming****

Red-pink lipstick was the only thing Riley could think about. It was making her mind fuzzy as the dance therapist, Ms. Kaycee, introduced herself and two new students, Riley and boy who looked a few years younger than Riley.

Riley haze was broken through as the group immediately got into a circle as soon as Kaycee instructed them to do so. Kaycee was petite and short, short buzzed black hair, tattoos up and down her arm and shoulders, piercings on her nose and left eyebrow. Riley couldn't help but smirk, Kaycee might be tiny, but the voice and appearance alone were intimidating.

Kaycee rounded them up in a circle, a large tarp was in the middle of the circle. "So today's topic is connecting and releasing. I want us to connect with each other in today's class. Many of us have held our emotions for too long, to the point where it's stale and building. When our feelings do that then we start to crack. Let's begin."

Riley picked up two straps that were attached to the tarp which was light, huge, and colorful. The bright colors added more of a splash to the pink and brown room they were in.

"Okay…Let's begin. Tarp up and repeat after me: I am not…and finish your sentence."

Riley was fourth in the circle to go, the group was in sync as the lifted the tarp up and down. "Riley, your turn." Kaycee alerted her.

Riley could only think of red-pink lipstick. "I-I am not, I'm not afraid." Riley shouted.

She honestly couldn't figure out why she chose that word.

Red-pink lipstick was making her go fuzzy.

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Amira fell back in her chair, letting the boy step aside to get to the couch. "Okay, Mr. Minkus." Amira started, feeling slightly annoyed and confused. "Explain yourself."

"I know legally you can't tell me if my friend is seeing you, but I was able to deduce that she is your client based on the amount of therapist available in a 5 miles radius who accepts the Matthews' insurance and those who specialize in adolescent care."

Amira shook her head in disbelief, "How do even know your friend's insurance?"

Farkle had a smug look, "I have an IQ of 187."

Amira nodded, "Really?"

Farkle nodded, "Yep, I come from a long line of genius." Farkle explained.

"Nice, I have an I.Q of 193. But I don't put too much weight on it. Genius isn't exactly monochromic. Everyone has their niche."

Farkle didn't hear her after 193. "You have an IQ of what now?"

Amira let out a little laugh as she got up and made herself a cup of tea. "You hear me Mr. Minkus." She raised a plain white mug. "Care for a cup of tea?"

Farkle still looked in awe. "How do you have an IQ of 193 and do this?
Amira raised a brow at that, "Do what exactly?
"Just be a therapist? Therapists don't really make a lot of money depending on what field they go into, I'm assuming you have a MSW degree? They don't make money. At least do something that's not so boring."

Amira took a sip of her tea. "Hmm…what would you so suppose I should do?"

"I don't know, something in science? In business? Something that makes money?" Farkle asked, he could feel himself getting worked up. He was taught all his life that those two career fields where the only fields smart people actually went through because it made sense, it made them successful, and it made them so rich that the people that once looked down at them couldn't even afford to look at them anymore.

"What if those two didn't make me happy?" Amira asked simply, setting down a cup for Farkle- who could only take it unsteadily in his hands.

"What?"

"I love science and research, but I don't think I have the temperament to be in a lab all day, same goes for business. I love working with people. I make a difference that way."

"But- but, you don't feel like you wasted your genius away?"

Amira pursed her lips for a moment. "Do you feel like you're doing that?"

Farkle blinked, "Uhh…" he smiled, "That's not what I came down here to talk about." He set down the cup without even touching it. "I wanted to know how to help my friend. I know she's seeing you, I just wanted to know if there is anything that I can do."

"You have an IQ of 187, why would you come here and seek an MSW for help?"

Farkle was taken aback, Amira sounded harsh. "Because you're the expert and you would know better than I would?"

Amira smirked, "But you're her friend? I would imagine you have some ideas on how to help and support her."

Farkle was starting to feel awkward here. He began to rub his neck nervously. "This isn't my strong suit, to be honest."

"Why is that?"
Farkle sighed, he adjusted his shirt. "I- I don't know really. I just don't like talking about how I feel. I don't really know how to talk about how I feel. I just usually say stuff so that I don't burst later."

Amira looked interested, "That's an interesting way to put it. To be honest you're doing a good job so far telling me how you feel. What are the stuff you try to say before you burst?"

Farkle took a deep breath. "Stuff like, I think I'm wasting your time." He sniffed, "I-I should go."

He was almost out the door when Amira called out to him. "Mr. Minkus."

Amira walked slowly towards him, studying him a bit as she did. "You're a good friend. You will be dropping by my office again."

Farkle frowned, "Is that a question or an order, ma'am?"

Amira smiled fondly this time. "It's an order."

Farkle nodded before scampering off.

As soon as Farkle was out of the lobby…

"You saw his neck right?" Torri asked with concern.

Anuj and Amira both looked worried. "I got a peak at it a few times. Anuj, you saw it better?"

The older man nodded, looking quite grave. "I saw some old scarring down his neck as well."

Amira could only stare out the door that Farkle had left through.

"Oh no! I know that look!" Torri sighed dramatically. She pointed at Amira with a pen. "That's your mama bear look right there!"

Anuj could only smile between the two of them. He knew the look of which Tori was talking about. Amira had the tendency to be rather other protective of adolescents.

"If someone is beating up on that kid, you better know that I will go into mama bear mode." Amira warned severely before walking back into her office.

Torri let out a low whistle, "I seriously hope that kid's abuser doesn't meet Amira in a dark alley, we don't need Jallani losing it again because of a scared parent."

Anuj blanched, remembering Amira's past incident with a client's abusive parent. Amira and he were roughly the same height, but it was definitely a work out and challenge to hold back Amira when she flipped. Anuj sighed, "I'm gonna work out for a bit, just in case."

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Riley looked up at the ceiling as she took a few deep breathes, dance therapy felt so relaxing and freeing, and yet contained. Her emotions were going everywhere as the class jumped, spun, and swayed. Kaycee had made them shout, whisper, and talk about their fears, their insecurities, and their trust in themselves and others. It was amazing, crying and laughing in a safe room with others who were crying and laughing as well.

Riley put her hand on her heart, feeling it ease into a calming beat as she continued again. She was happy. Truly happy and lighter than she had felt in weeks.

She got up to stretch. Class was over, but she had decided to stay for a while. She wasn't alone, Kaycee and a few other students were still in the room. Kaycee had explained after the session that student were allowed to stay until they felt ready to step out again.

It was nice to get a pause.

She was humming softly when she saw the girl again, red-pink lips caught her attention yet again. Riley wasn't sure what had made her step into the class, but she found herself watching the girl and a few other girls around her age dance serenely to a melodic song.

"Can I help you?" a male voice broke through.

"What?" Riley jumped and turned to see an older man next to her. He was tall and buff, Riley took a moment to stare at his right arm, which was covered in tattoos. Riley thought the man was handsome with his beard and long dreadlocks. His voice was calm and soft, he smiled at Riley. "I'm sorry for startling you. Where you looking for someone?"

The whole class had stopped dancing to stare at her, Riley noticed quickly. The music had stopped as well. The girl with the red-pink lipstick caught her glance, offering Riley a shy smile.

Riley felt her heart flip.

'Oh boy!'

"I-I was just watching them dance." Riley sputtered softly. "You guys are really good."

Most of the girls smiled back, said thank you, or shrugged. Red pink lipstick smiled back.

The man laughed, "They are quite the impressive group. You're welcome to join us if you want."

This caused fear to course through Riley like nothing had before, "Oh no! You wouldn't want me! I-I don't think I'm good enough to be in your group. I would mess it up."

A girl with bright pink hair braided back laughed, "That's the point of taking classes though, we mess up but practice to get better." She explained resolutely. She pointed at the girl next to her, "Nia had two left feet when she joined, but now she's almost as good as me." The girl smiled as Nia pushed the pink hair girl, muttering a soft "Shut up."

"Nomi is right, we don't all start out good." The man agreed, "You're welcome to stay if you want or whenever you're ready."

Riley couldn't help but feel unwanted and dejected, "You're going to kick me out when you see me. Everyone does."

The man lowered himself till he was eye level with Riley. "I know you just had a session with Kaycee since that class just let out. If I know one thing about Kaycee, she would tell you never be afraid of what you are and what you have to create." He straighten up again, "I'll make you deal, you can stay for the rest of the class for fun. We can talk later if you want to stay." He offered Riley. "I'm Ramik."

Riley nodded, "Riley."

Ramik smiled and looked over to the class, "Well Riley, welcome to contemporary dance."

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Riley was on the floor again, this time at Amira's office.

"He wants me to come back to class." Riley had finished telling Amira her dance therapy and contemporary dance class.

Amira smiled, looking down at Riley from her seat on the chair, "Sounds like you had a lot of fun yesterday." She honestly didn't know why Riley had just laid on the ground once she was in the office, but she didn't question it. Riley would get there eventually.

"I did."

"But something is off?"

Riley nodded, "I-I want to go back."

"To the dance therapy class or the contemporary class?"

"Both." Riley sighed, "I want to go to both. I was so happy in both. I wasn't just the daughter of the great Cory and Topanga, or Maya's friend, or the third best student next to the genius that are Farkle and Smackle. I was Riley, the girl who could sway and twirl and jump, singing and shouting without judgement, without fear. It was freeing. I felt like me."

Amira nodded, "And you can't be you when you're not in dance?"

Riley looked up, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. The tears were already cascading past her temples. "Not without people questioning my sanity. I'm supposed to be like my mom, I'm supposed to be cool, calm, and collect. Not a weirdo who scares off everyone. Everyone expects me to be happy- undoubtedly happy. But when I am…"

Amira pursed her lips. "You're who?"

Riley pressed her lips together, "I'm not Riley to them, I'm a cartoon. Someone they want to watch and hear when they are down because they need a pick me up. They only need me, they don't want me." Riley admitted. "How do feel safe to be yourself when people just only want you to be yourself when they think it's the right time for you to be you?"

Amira nodded, "To be honest with you Riley, I don't know. People are so set in their ways because society is so set in its ways."

"I'm not weird. I'm just different." Riley mused.

"What's wrong with being either or both?" Amira asked.

Riley sat up, "Would you want to be weird?"

Amira chuckled, "Depends on where I'm at really. My family thinks I'm weird because of my hair color and my job. My friends think I'm weird because I still read comic books and prefer vinyl to iTunes and Spotify. I think people who like cheesy popcorn are weird, I think people who actually go to see a musical are weird. But that's my opinion, those are family and friends opinion. They're not fact."

"You don't think people who love purple cats are weird or think people are inherently good are weird?"

Amira scooted off her chair to sit across from Riley, "No. Neither of those are weird. Weird isn't bad, it's just another word for people to use when they feel removed from something or someone. They can't categorize what they seen or heard, so it's weird to them until they know what it is."

Riley nodded, "I never thought of myself as weird or different till people started calling me that." She shrugged, "I don't want to be seen as this weird cartoon character. I want to be seen as me. As Riley."

"People are going to call you whatever they feel like though."

Riley sighed, she picked up her cup of tea to have something to hold. "I'm never going to be taken seriously, am I?"

Amira frowned, she got up and walked over to her desk. "We're going to do a little inventory check." She explained as she walked back with two pieces of paper in hand. She passed one of them to Riley, along with a pen.

Riley looked over the sheet. It had random words like beautiful, smart, charming, active, friendly, and many more. "What is this?"

"An inventory list." Amira and Riley both sat down in their usual seats. "I want you to circle ten words that best describe you."

There were a lot of words to pick from. Riley took a few moments to circle the words that best described her. "Done."

"Great, now scratch out five of the words you picked."

"What?" Riley looked down at the words, "O-okay." It took a bit longer to pick out the words she wanted to scratch out. "Done."

"Good, now scratch out three more words."

Riley rolled her eyes. She was down to two words now. Thoughtful and Spirited.

"Now pick one word to scratch out."

Riley thought for a few minutes to scratch out thoughtful.

"Why did you pick those ten words?" Amira asked as she looked over the paper. Some of the words like lovable, beautiful and fun were not chosen by Riley. Riley had also scratched out smart during the first round and funny.

Riley shrugged, "I don't know, just were the ones that I picked."

"What made you pick them though?"

Riley pressed her lips together for a moment, she knew where this was going. Luckily she was entrusting of Ms. Habib ability to not judge her and to know what she was feeling. "There words that I've heard people use to describe me, mostly my dad and friends really."

"That's not a thing, we usually build our confidence on what people say and think about us. Do you agree with them though?"

"A little bit?"

Amira frowned, smirking a bit at Riley. "Was that a question or an answer?"

"Both?"

Amira guffawed, along with Riley. Riley laid back on the sofa. "I think I'm talented, and good hearted, and thoughtful, and spirited, and beautiful. But I don't think anyone else would say that about me."

"And?"

"And what?" Riley questioned.

"And what would you do if someone told you that you were all those things?" Amira asked.

Riley paused, "..I-I don't know." She paused again, "I don't think I ever thought about that really happening in reality."

"What would happen if someone told that in Rileytown?" Amira smiled, remembering the ideal place Riley had created for herself and others.

"I would hear that every day! Everyone would hear that and more every day!" Riley gushed. "No one would ever feel like they were made to be less than others, reminded that they aren't good enough to exist." Riley explained, her voice steadily losing its passion as she thought back to her bully, her mother, and friends. "But we don't live in Rileytown. I live in New York, I live in reality where people are bad…and good." She looked at Amira. "I-I have to believe in myself that I am all those words, don't I?" Riley asked unsure.

Amira shrugged.

Riley sighed, "It's not going to be easy."

"It is, you just have to do it every day. That's going to be the hard part." Amira explained gently. She passed over a blank sheet to Riley. "I want you to write the words that you describe yourself with, the words that actually would define Riley.

Riley nodded, for some reason the first word she wrote was lovable. Her hand was shaky as she continued to ignore the compliments and insults she had heard from her mom, grandparents, and friends use to describe her. Those words weren't her, they were words that her family and friends used to describe her because that how they saw her on any given particular day.

Riley was weird and different, and that was okay, right? She was also lovable, caring, talented, good natured, beautiful, out spoken, fierce, and so much more.

She was crying by the time she finished writing her last word. "I don't know why I'm crying." She sniffed.

Amira made a low "hmm." Noise, "Try again."

Riley coughed, "I don't know if I can believe it, if I am really all these things." Riley admitted, her voice shaky as tear drops turned spots on the paper translucent.

"That's why I want you to take this paper home and tape it to your door. I want you to repeat these words as many times as you can yourself or out loud every morning and before you go to bed." Amira explained to her, passing the tissue box closer. "You're a lot of thing Riley, but you need to know what those things are. You need to realize those traits as something you own and create and not given to you by others."

Riley wiped away the tears, "I know. It's just going to be hard." She sniffed, "But it gets easier." She tried smiling before unleashing new tears. "I think I've cried more in this office than in my entire life." Riley realized. "What is in this room?!"

Riley and Amira laughed, "It's the color and candles, it just makes everyone unleash and weep every time." Joked Amira.

"Can I ask you something?" Riley asked after a few minutes. It was close to the session being over. Red-pink lipstick girl, also known as Harley (Riley had found out her name after Harley had approached her after class was done) was someone who she kept thinking about the whole night and day.

"Anything."

"How would I know if I'm bi-sexual?"

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Things were going so well until she got home. Riley was cornered by her mom, "Why are you no longer speaking to Maya?" Topanga asked concerned.

"What?" Riley asked, she took off her headphones.

Topanga rolled her eyes, "Why are you no longer speaking to Maya? Katy was telling me that she's been trying to talk you but you keep avoiding her? What's the matter between the two of you?"

Riley shrugged, she set down her pack bag on the floor as she went to get some snacks. "I just need some space."

"Riley." Riley flinched, she knew that tone. That was "you're not acting right" voice. "You can't just alienate your best friend. Maya is really worried about you."

"I know."

Topanga looked bewildered as she blocked one side of the kitchen. "If you know, then why are you doing it?"

Riley shrugged.

Topanga covered her mouth, "For the love-, Riley, Maya was so confused. She thought you hated her! Katy was even worried about you, she knows Maya would understand you having depression and going seeing a therapist. Maya's not the type of friend to alienate you when you're in trouble."

Ignoring the fact that her own mother seemed to be more worried about Maya than her own daughter, and also ignoring that her own mother had yet to ask her about therapy aside. Riley could only focus on one thing. "You told Maya's mom about me going to therapy?" Riley asked astounded. She could feel the proverbial punch to the gut as her mother answered "Yes."

"Why?"

"Honey, she's your friend she had the right to know what was wrong with you." Topanga explained, sounding bewildered as Riley's palpable annoyance.

Riley shook her head, "No, she didn't. You had no right to tell her about me being depressed and going to therapy?!"

"Riley." Riley gritted her teeth, she really hated when her mother would her name like a tranquilizer. "Katy was concerned about you. So was Maya. You can't just push people away honey."

Riley tugged the end of her hair. "I get that they were concerned about me, but you didn't have to tell them about my diagnosis and that I'm going to therapy!"

Topanga stilled, "So you're embarrassed that they know? Honey, people go to therapy everyday-"

Riley screamed, "Why don't you get it?! It has nothing with me being embarrassed. I'm not embarrassed about having depression or about seeing a therapist. I'll tell the world about it, but I wasn't ready to tell Maya. I wanted to tell her that in my own time, not on yours!" she pointed at her mother, "You had no right to do that!"

Topanga flinched, "Hey! I had every right to do that, you're my daughter! I can tell if I wanted-" she poked her finger at Riley's chest.

Riley swatted her mother's hand away. "Then act like my mother!" Riley screamed not caring that she cut her mother off, "You care about Maya more than me! You cared about soothing her concerns and didn't once considered about how I would feel?! Did it ever occur to you that I wasn't ready to tell Maya? That maybe she was trigger? Or even maybe that I didn't want to tell her because I didn't want to tell her? It was suppose to be my choice and you took that away from me! And for what? To help Maya. To calm Maya. To make sure Maya is alright." Riley stepped back away from her mother when Topanga tried to step forward. She watched for a moment as a plethora of emotions washed over her mother's face before she dumped her cup in the sink. "Just stay away from me." Riley warned walking out of the kitchen.

She felt her phone buzz and unlocked it to see a message from Maya, she recognized the number any day. 'WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU HAD DEPRESSION? RILEY, I LOVE YOU. YOU SHOULD HAVE TALKED TO ME IF THIS IS WHAT KEEPING YOU AWAY FROM ME.' The message read, Riley deleted it and blocked Maya's number from calling or messaging her. For safe measures, she blocked Lucas as well.

She would await to block the others if they texted her about her mom's confession.

That itchy feeling was coming back fierce now. She slammed the door to her room and locked it, the blinds had been drawn and windows locked so that no one could enter her room through the bay window. She didn't miss the sunlight one bit, all she could think about was her mother's betrayal. About Maya believing that therapy was the reason as why she didn't want to talk anymore and not…

And not that.

Riley had the blade in her hand and pulled up her shirt. She pressed the blade into the skin of the stomach, making medium sized nicks that let out a dribble of blood. She felt the edge being taken off with every slice, the point of the blade was resting close to her skin when a knock stopped her.

"GO AWAY MOM!" Riley shouted angrily.

"It's me!" Auggie's voice answered. Riley quickly wiped away the blood and hid her towel and blade under her bed.

"Auggie, what is it?" Riley asked.

"Do you want to watch cartoons with me?" Auggie asked shyly.

Riley bit her lip, "Don't you usually watch cartoons with Ava?" Riley asked, she prayed that the blood wouldn't seep through her shirt. She could feel some on her stomach.

"I wanted to watch them with you though. I miss you." Auggie confessed hugging Riley as he made the admission. It took all of Riley's energy not to flinch as the friction burned her skin.

"I miss you too." Riley said back. She didn't care to touch her homework after the fight she just had. Maybe cartoons would be a good idea. "I'll watch cartoons with you. Do you mind if I take a few minutes to use the bathroom?" Riley asked.

Auggie jumped up and down excitedly, "No! I'll get cookies and milk then!" he rushed out to the kitchen as Riley went to the bathroom and wiped away the blood, covering the cuts with bandages. She breathed out a sigh of relief when she realized none of the blood had seeped through her shirt during the hug.

When she walked into the living room she was grateful to not seeing her mother around. Auggie was on the couch with a glass of milk in hand and a pile of cookies on his lap. "I got chocolate chip and chocolate chocolate chip cookies!" Auggie declared excitedly. Riley noticed a second glass of milk and a plate full of cookies, she smiled back.

"Let's get comfy, shall we?" Riley asked in an exaggerated English accent.

"We shall." Auggie mimicked happily as he accepted Riley covering them both with a blanket. He settled the cookies back on his lap.

"What are we watching today, little brother?" Riley asked, taking a bite out of the chocolate chocolate cookie.

"Steven Universe." Auggie answered, he smiled up at his sister. "You'll love it. Do you mind if I watched the newest episode first?"

"Mind if I asked you questions during the episode?" Riley asked.

"Nope."

The cartoon was bubbly and colorful, Riley found herself immersed in the bright colors and flowy animations.

But the one thing that made her forget she was watching cartoons was a song from the show. Even after she and Auggie finished the newest episode and started watching from season 1 episode 1, even after they finished all the cookies and milk and even after they continue to watch more episodes in their make shift fort, with pillows and secret password, the lyrics stuck with her.

So much so that she had caught herself whisper singing them as she carried a half asleep Auggie to his room.

"Take a moment remind yourself to take a moment and find yourself. Take a moment to ask yourself if this is how you fall apart." Riley began to sing softly.

Auggie started to sing the next line, his eyes still closed, "But it's not, but it's not, but it's not, but it's not. But it's not, its ok, its ok, its ok, its ok, its ok. You've got nothing, got nothing, got nothing, got nothing to fear. I'm here, I'm here, I'm here." He sang softly as Riley laid him down onto his bed. He opened his eyes. A pleading look on his face as he wouldn't let go of her hand.

Riley continue to sing with Auggie this time together. "And it was just a thought, just a thought, just a thought, just a thought. It's ok, its ok, its ok, its ok, its ok. We can watch, we can watch, we can watch, we can watch them go by from here from here from here. Take a moment to think of just flexibility, love, and trust. Take a moment to think of just flexibility, love, and trust."

Riley kissed Auggie's forehead. "I love you Riley." Said Auggie as she tucked him in.

"I love you too, Auggie."

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Cory couldn't help but overhear and peak into his son's room to see the two have a sweet moment.

'Love can't cure a mental illness.' Cory remembered Shawn telling him this repeatedly when he went through his depression. Cory agreed, love couldn't cure a mental illness. But he believed having people around you who loved you unconditionally made having mental illness less lonely.