Riley skimmed over the books on Amira's shelf. The tittles sounded dark and serious, books about trauma, trafficking, racism, and feminism. Every time Riley was by the shelf, her fingers would stop skimming over the spine of books until she got to the same one every time. A Prussian blue book with a with different age girls looking at distance, their backs turned against the photographer. Riley hurried back to the couch to slip the book into her book bag.

Amira walked in two minutes later, her dark gray hair pulled high into a messy bun. She looked a little wary.

"Are you okay?" Riley asked. It was a little unusual to see her therapist looking out of sorts.

Amira smiled, "Yeah. I just need some coffee." Riley didn't believe her but nodded in support. "Would you like some tea or hot chocolate?" Amira asked.

Riley smiled, "Tea's fine."

Once they were settled with their drinks, the session began. "How has your week been going?"

Riley's shoulders slumped, it had been two days since she was confronted by Maya and Lucas. Both at kept their promise to not speak to her. Riley could almost feel the cup in her hand burn her through as she recalled over hearing two girls in the bathroom talking about how the pretty blond girl and blond boy finally kissed.

"He finally dumped that weirdo." She remembered hearing, the sounds of the girls laughing reverberated in her head.

"Riley?"

"I took two steps forward, three really…but then took some more back." Riley sighed, "I finally told my friends…my ex, I guess? I told him and my best friend that I needed some space, that I couldn't be their Riley right now."

"How did you take that?"

Riley shrugged, "It was fine for a moment. I was fine. I went to dance class, I made new friends. Friends who actually like me for who I am." She thought back to her new friends at Queens. It was new and exciting, but familiar due to Zay still being present in her new circle of friends. She was thankful for him and his patience. She almost smiled as she recalled the smell of marshmallows and mangos...

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Two days ago…

Harley was beautiful, a welcoming face and personality that had Riley by the heart. She was sweet and brave with the personality that made Riley feel both envious and proud. She loved Harley's unapologetic confidence in how she danced and how she spoke.

"I see you." Nia whispered to her in a voice that sounded jovial. Riley could feel the blush on her cheeks begin to spread to her face, Nia had caught her staring at Harley as the others were talking and practicing dance moves before Ramik came in.

Nia looked between Riley and Harley, who was still dancing, oblivious to Riley's studying of her. Riley could sense that Nia wasn't being a threat or a bully, she looked considerate for a moment before she spoke to Riley. "I know you like her."

Riley thought to save face for a moment. "Yeah, she's really nice. She's a sweet fr-"

Nia held a hand up to her face to pause her, "Don't give me that. I know you like her in a romantic sense."

Riley froze, she wasn't sure how others would react. She could almost feel her body go into flight mode. But Nia just looked back at Harley. "I think she likes you too." Nia stated in a matter of fact tone. "I've caught her a few times peering into Kaycee's class. She's as obvious as you are." Nia pulled her closer, Riley could smell Nia's fruity perfume and could see the glitter highlighter on the other girl's cheeks and temple. "Don't freak out so much, no one cares if you're not straight."

Riley's body relaxed at that and smiled gratefully at Nia. "Promise?"

Nia rolled her eyes, "Tell you what, if anyone does. Call me and I'll beat them up for you. Deal?"

Before she could agree, Nomi, Riley's favorite pink haired girl, jumped onto Nia's back. "Yasssss! Who's butt are we planning to kick?" She yelled as Nia struggled to hold still.

"Yours if you don't get off!" Nia shouted back, Riley couldn't help but laugh at Nomi who was taking the threat in stride. She faux adjusted her pink hair which were tied into puff balls and smiled dazzlingly at a still laughing Riley and an annoyed Nia.
"Dashi, can you pleeaaasssee keep your sister in check?" Nia asked, Dashi was the only male in the class. He was just like his sister in the way they looked, both nearly stick thin with high cheekbones and big hair. Unlike Nomi, Dashi's color was natural and was left to wave back and forth as he practiced his dancing.

"I'm not responsible for that!" Dashi reasoned as Nomi looked unabashed about her antics.

Nomi smiled at Riley, "He's right!" she then pointed a finger directly in Nia's face. "I'm uncontainable." She announced looked quite preened.

Riley was enjoying the scene played out till she felt someone starring, she looked up to see Harley starring back at her. Harley, surprised by Riley catching her, quickly turned away.

Riley felt something flick her head. "Hey!"

"Told you." Nia smirked knowingly, along with Nomi.

Dance class had gone well, as usual. Riley was in love with the class. Between contemporary dance and dance therapy, she felt as if she were in her zone and in her world.

"Nice moves there." A familiar voice called out.

Riley was packing up when she felt a presence behind her. "Zay?"

Her friend smiled back and pulled her into a hug. "What are you doing here?"

Zay looked insulted, "Guy can't get his ballet on?"

Riley giggled, "Your dance class is here?"

Zay nodded, "I'm in Ororo's class, it's an intermediate ballet class." Riley took a look at Zay's dance clothes. He had a bright puple crop top and dark blue harem pants. It was a far cry and a pleasant surprise from his staple plaid button downs and jeans.

"You finish your class?" Zay asked.

Riley nodded excitedly, "It was amazing. I love this place!" Riley exclaimed, not realizing she was holding Zay's hands in hers'.

"Do you got anywhere you need to be?" Zay asked cautiously. He had a hopeful smile as Riley mulled over her answer, she was worried about what Zay had plans. She wasn't sure if he was trying to get everyone together again.

She could feel her stomach churning at the thought of the gang back at her mother's café. "I have to study." She lied, expecting for Zay to look disappointed and not…elated?

"Great! We can study at my place."

"Your place?" To be honest, Riley never thought of Zay's home. It never occurred to her that he had a home. It sounded ridiculous since Zay did talk about his family a lot. But it just never occurred to her.

"Yeah, what you think I just live in the school?" Zay asked in a snarky tone as he pulled Riley into a half hug. "And you can bring your new friends." Before Riley could ask if he was actually okay with that, Zay called out to Dashi. The guys shook hands before pulling each other into a half hug.

"Hey Z! What's up?" Dashi smiled, "We hanging out?"

Zay grinned, "Yep, you know Riley, right?"

Dashi laughed, "Course I do." He nodded at Riley, "You coming over?"

Riley felt like a deer in the headlights, she was only half sure she nodded 'yes'. She must have because she was now walking out of Queen's Academy with Zay, Dashi, Nomi, Nia, and Harley. She couldn't help but feel as though this was planned before she could even say yes with the hopes she and Harley could be forced to talk to each more. She was forced to walk besides Harley and every question and discussion that they would be having separately would then be conjoined in order for the two to talk.

Riley wasn't upset at it though, if anything she would say that the plan was working. She and Harley were so deep in a conversation about retro boots that she didn't realize that she was already at Zay's home.

It was a beautifully modern designed three story brownstone. Riley stepped in to find the foyer painted a cool seafoam green color. The wood floor dark as Zay requested Riley to take off her shoes at the door.

Riley began to feel guilty. She never thought of Zay as friend really. Never like a true friend in the way she had thought of Maya and Farkle, or even Lucas at times. Zay was just there, Lucas's friend really but never connected with her despite feeling that he was trying.

She looked in awe at the family photos that were displayed in the hallway as the group made their way into the kitchen. A tall skinny man with mini twists smiled at them, Riley saw him in many of the pictures. He pulled Zay and Dashi into a hug, another boy ran out into the kitchen. Both the older man and the younger boy bore strong resemblance to Zay.

"Ay, what up little Z? You guys hungry?" the man asked them all. Zay introduced Riley to the man, "This is my uncle, Westin." He pointed to the younger boy, "And my little brother Sameer." Sameer grinned at the gang, he looked to be a little older looking than Auggie. And just like his brother, Sameer had on a plaid button down and jeans.

"You and your brother seem to have the same sense of style." Riley pointed out, earning a laugh from Dashi and Westin.

"You try living in Texas, you can't escape the cowboy look if you tried." Zay pouted.

The group made their way up to Zay's room with s'mores and shakes. Riley felt as if she was entering a whole new world and a new side of Zay. His room was colorful and filled with art work, the biggest being a poster that was mostly black and white of two boys that Riley recognized. Both boys had hoodies that were red and green, a sharp contrast to the black and white poster, with the words rest in power under their picture. Riley could recognized other pictures of comic book characters including the Blank Panther, Miles Morales as Spiderman, Kamala Khan as Ms. Marvel.

Riley gasped as she ran to the picture of her favorite singer. "Is this you with-?"

Zay sighed, "Forgot that was out. Yeah."

Riley's eyes became wide, "How? What? Why?" she peered again at the picture, "Is she hugging you?!"

Nia and Harley laughed, "I can't wait till she sees the picture of you with Smith family." Noni grinned.
"Smith family?" Riley asked excitedly, "As in, the Smith family, like W-"

Zay walked over to Riley and shook her a bit, "Yes, that Smith family." He set down the picture back on dresser drawer. "My dad's an audio engineer. Gets contracted to different labels. We moved to New York after one label offered to pay triple of what he was making through contracts."

Riley slapped him on the arm repeatedly, "AND YOU NEVER TOLD US? How did Lucas not brag about this?"

Now Dashi was laughing his butt off, earning a small smile from Zay. "My dad mostly works for rap and hip hop artists. Lucas isn't into either, so he never cared about me meeting anyone famous or who my dad is. It was nice, not having people being nice to you simply because your dad and mom have connections." Zay took out his school bag and pulled a few assignment out, "Gotta admit, didn't stop some jerks from harassing me thinking that I needed to be taken down a few pegs." He admitted darkly.

Riley frowned, "I'm sorry." She looked at another picture of Zay and his family altogether in a place that had to be a European city based on the buildings behind them. "What does your mom do?"

"She's a copyright attorney, so you can imagine how many people suck up to her." Zay stated proudly. Riley studied the photo, his mom was petite with dark red short braids that framed her face. Zay, Sameer, and Westin bore a strong resemblance to Zay's mom. Zay's father had a wide and toothy smile, his eyes hidden behind dark frames in the majority of pictures in the house. "You and your brother look like your mom." Riley complimented. "You have a really sweet family."

"Sweet as honey most of the time." Zay smiled bashfully.

The group began to study, with music playing in the background when Zay's mother popped into the room. She was dressed in a sharp and tailored red and black suit that struck beautifully against her skin. Her braids pushed back behind her ears as she walked over to hug Zay. "Hey baby. You and your friends doing well?" Her eyes settled on Riley before breaking out into smile. "Ah, you must be Riley."

Riley was speechless as Zay's mother pulled her into a hug, "Don't seem so shell shocked sweetie. My Zeze talks about you so much. I'm Yola by the way." Yola's tone was motherly as was her hug, Riley never noticed how touch starve she was becoming until she noticed she was hugging and clinging to Yola for too long. Yola though didn't seem to mind as she had her arm around Riley's waist. "Zeze, you brought enough food for you and your friends to eat?" She looked at Riley, "I'm sure Riley and the others would appreciate some more drinks, something warm like hot chocolate? You guys all warm and cozy here, right?"

"Yes Mrs. Babineaux." The group answered in unison, with Zay looking slightly embarrassed at his fussy mom.

"None of that Mrs and ma'am stuff, I told you guy it's Yola. Don't need all that stuffiness at home." She shivered. "You all staying for dinner?"

Riley became excited, "I don't mind staying for dinner!" she volunteered excitedly. Yola looked her lovingly as she hugged her tighter.

"I know Dashi is staying if I'm cooking. What about you girls?"

"Yes, please!" All three girls smiled.

Zay laughed into his hands, "Pop won't mind?"

Yola pulled away from Riley, much to her chagrin and wrapped her arm over her son's shoulder. "Course not. You know he loves it when we have you friends over. It's nice having a full house." She kissed her son on the cheek. Before she could leave Dashi ran up to her with his arms out, "Hug please!" Dashi smiled, an almost cartoonish look gave him a laugh from Yola who hugged and kissed the other boy as well. "You're ridiculous." Yola cooed at him before leaving to change her clothes.

Riley loved being here, it felt more like a home than her own home. An hour later the whole group was eating with Zay's uncle, dad (Mitchell, who still had on dark frames in the house. He was funny and sarcastic), mom, and little brother. They were all enjoying dinner and watching a movie in the entertainment room. Riley felt lighter and whole with everyone, she could feel Harley at her side, laughing along with the others at the movie and Nia on her other side.

She was having a good time, a great time really. But it wasn't a forever moment.

She knew that this moment was a "high time", she was going to crash and hit a storm that would throw her into a moment where she couldn't escape sooner or later.

Knowing her luck, it was going to be sooner than soon.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

"And then…" Riley could feel the ice in her stomach spreading to every tip in her body. Making the cup feel like acidic cut in her hands. She gently set the cup of tea on the table and lifted her shirt, showing the brand new cuts on her stomach and sides. They were long, jagged, and still buzzing red.

"You don't look surprised." Riley commented as Amira set down her cup of coffee and wordlessly walked to her desk.

"I'm not, I suspected that you were cutting a while ago."

Riley frowned, that was impossible. She always made sure her scars couldn't bleed through. She always made sure not to touch her scars in order not to flinch "How?"

Amira frowned at her direction, pulling out a first aid kit from her desk. "I've been in this field for a long time now Riley, you're not my first client to cut and you will not be my last unfortunately. I can tell by how people walk, how they sit, and how they present themselves. Some are too careful about not touching certain body parts because that's where they cut and some just can't help but flinch-even when they anticipate it." She explained as she passed Riley anti-septic cream, alcohol sheets, and bandages.

"Itchy feeling or blank feeling?" Amira asked as Riley began to swab the cuts with cream.

"What?"

"The urge to cut, did you feel itchy or blank?" Amira clarified.

Riley almost smiled, she was impressed. "Itchy." She looked down at the scars, they looked a little less angry looking. "I guess that common?"

Amira shrugged, "Everyone has their own words to describe the urge they feel when they need to cut. Most commonly though I've heard people say they felt itchy or blank when they want to cut."

"Are you upset?"

Amira again made a face, "Why would you think I would be upset?"

"Because I'm cutting? Isn't this supposed to be a bad thing? Aren't you suppose to tell me that I shouldn't cut?" Riley asked confused, she put away the products and fixed her dressing. She thought of the healing scars on her thighs and noticed that in the light the old scars on her stomach shined a bit. It was jarring sight. All those scars were linked to a memory that she rather forget but ultimately pictured right onto her body. The pain was gone- hallowed out with the tension and blood, but the remains would always remain. Growing fainter with time, of course, but still there. Still noticeable if she focused.

"You've been watching ways too many "on a very special episode"." Amira smirked as drank her coffee. She pushed the kit aside as soon as Riley was done with it. "I know why people cut. It's not a shameful thing and I know it becomes sensationalized and almost demonized in the media. Some think it's a sign of weakness and others think it's the person stating that they want to kill themselves." Amira pointed to the scars, "It's just a coping tool, an unhealthy one for sure, but a coping tool none the less unfortunately."

"How do I stop?" Riley asked seriously. The cutting was addictive and helpful at the same time. The itchy feeling was something she hated, it stung her skin till she dug a blade into her skin and let out all the stress and anger.

It was tiresome, painful, and blissful at the same time…but it was getting old. And now people were starting to notice. Zay had tried hunting her down at school after rumors were spreading about Lucas and Maya kissing. Smackle looked cautious around her now and Farkle…Farkle looked distraught when she walked away from him.

She could still feel his fingers around hers when he tried to talk to her before she had left school.

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Earlier today…

"Are you okay?" He had asked her. His usually blue eyes were damp and nearly blood shot.

"Are you okay?" Riley echoed, her annoyance at the question thinning once she realized Farkle's distressed state. Farkle stayed quiet, just studying him. "Farkle?" she asked again, her hands settling on her shoulders.

"I miss you." Farkle stated simply, his voice just a whimper.

Riley's eyes immediately began to sting with water. "I-Farkle? Are you okay?" Something was wrong. She could feel it.

The boy stepped closer to her and smiled, a big fake charming smile. "Yeah. I just wanted to see if you were okay."

"I am." Riley confirmed. Her hands moved down to hold his, "I miss you too." She meant it. Farkle nodded as a few tears cascaded down his cheeks, he quickly wiped them away with his arm before Riley could wipe them off herself.

Before she could get an answer about him, Farkle kissed her and walked away fast. A light but lingering kiss on her forehead.

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

"Riley?" Amira asked, snapping the young girl out of her thoughts.

"How do I stop?" Riley asked again.

"You learn how to cope differently and you learn how to think differently." Amira explained.

"If you knew I was doing this, then why didn't you let me know you knew? Why didn't you tell me about this before?" Riley asked, sort of annoyed at Amira's indifference to all this. She had no reaction, she was supposed to be the adult here. The professional therapist, and not one hint that she "knew" Riley was cutting?

"Would you have told me the truth if I had asked?"

Riley frowned at that, "Maybe." She stated defensively. Her tone petulant as her body language- she was sitting up straight, her arms crossed in annoyance.

Amira chuckled, "I don't bank on 'maybe'. If that was the case I would risk pushing you away if I brought out the coping/behavioral modification tools too early for you." Amira explained calmly. "I can't bring up subjects and interventions for clients when I want to and I can't talk to them at a level where I think they should be. I have to meet them on their level and go at their pace. Be it that it may take ages for them to get to the root of their issues, but I'm a stranger and they have spent an entirety of their life building walls and taking down walls with people and situations."

Riley could feel her face burn. Amira cared for her, she never pushed her to talk about things, she may at times taken down walls that were crumbling but she never forced Riley to open up when she wasn't ready like her mom would do.

"You care for me, don't you?"

"Yes." Amira stated frankly.

Riley's body became lax, she brushed back her hair as she thought of the feeling of cutting. "Dancing helps me forget but it's not easy to break out dancing in the middle of an argument or in the middle of a parking lot talking to my classmates." Riley explained.

"So let's focus on things you can do when you feel overwhelmed and anxious."

It had taken a while to figure out what made Riley feel anxious and what had made her feel sick. A list of triggers that made her want to cut were written down. It felt weird to look at them, these things seemed harmless when written down and she almost felt embarrassed when she thought that Amira would laugh at her.

"You know sooner or later, it's going to be talked about." Amira informed her, sounding slightly ominous.

"What?"

Amira pointed to the first thing on the list, which was "mom".

"I know." Riley lamented, she hadn't spoken to Topanga since their fight about Maya three days ago. She hadn't brought it up to anyone, even Amira since then, she had noticed her dad treating them both with kid gloves but didn't want to think much of it.

Three days and no words spoken to her mother. They lived together, and nothing…

"But you have to meet me where I'm at and not where you think I should be at." Riley reminded herself hollowly.

"Do you want to talk about your relationship with your mother?" Amira asked unsure, she could see Riley was fighting herself. She almost felt Riley's itchiness in her own skin. The young girl was shaking slightly- her head bowed down to hid her face. Amira said nothing till she saw a tear down fall down and hit Riley's leg.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Last night…

Auggie looked to be taking the silent treatment between them harder than anyone in the house. Riley was surprised to see her little brother at her door after dinner. He was crouched down and had his hands wrapped over his head, as if he were in pain.

"Auggie?" Riley asked alarmed. "Are you okay?"

"Why don't you talk to mom?" Auggie asked immediately. Riley was taken back by the anger and sadness coming from her little brother.

"Auggie, I love you, but this has nothing to do with you." Riley advised him as she open her door to let herself in.

"It has everything to do with me!" Auggie almost yelled at her. His eyes and cheeks were red. "Neither of you talk to each other anymore! You guys can't even be in the same room now! Dad is acting like everything will fix itself but it won't if you guys can't talk to each other!" He wiped away new tears and looked up at his big sister pleadingly, "I don't know what happened but nothing can be as bad as knowing that you never tried to fix it."

Riley bit her inner cheek and knelt down till she was eye level with Auggie, "I know this can't fix itself but I can't talk to mom right now, not like this." She cradled Auggie's face in her hands, "I'm sorry Auggie. I didn't know this was so rough on you."

Auggie began crying again as Riley pulled him into a tight hug, "I don't like it when we're mean to each other. Why can't we be together again?"

Riley could feel her brother's tears soak through her shirt. "I don't know why Auggie, I just know it can't happen right now. But we're still a family, okay?" She pulled him away at arm's length and was surprised to see him look angry again.

After a moment his face began to soften, "Not when we're like this."

It was a few hours later when she heard soft music play from Auggie's room, she stepped out and stopped short when she saw her father. His head pressed against the door as Auggie's voice- off key and sweet as possible- could be heard singing along with another voice.

"Why don't you talk to each other? Why don't you talk to each other? Just give it a try. Why don't you talk about what happened? I know you're trying to avoid it but I don't know why. You might not believe it. You might not believe it but you got a lot in common, you really do. You both love me and I love both of you."

She gulped as she rested against the wall. She noticed Cory give her a knowing glance- as pleading as the look Auggie gave her- before looking past her. She looked back to see Topanga's retreating back.

The words were there. Just trapped in the both of them.

Cory just sighed as he watched the two people he loved so much walk away silently.

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

"It's up to you." Amira reminded her.

Riley nodded as she again pushed back her curtain of hair off her face. "I don't want to talk about it now." She decided, it was too soon and too much right now. She wasn't angry any more but she was tired of the whole issue with her mom. It felt archaic and almost cliché at this point to be bickering so much this past year, she knew it would have eventually reached its boiling point. But she didn't know when it would and she didn't think the fight would be so personal and pivotal to other relationships as well.

She suspected that Amira would be disappointed in her, but the woman looked understanding and offered her a soft closed lip smile. "At your own pace." Amira reminded her.

"Thank you." Riley's voice was feeble at best as she went to the next list on the paper.

"Anytime." Amira smiled as they worked again on coping.

It was late by the time Riley got back home from Zay where she had gone after therapy. She had done her homework there instead of coming home right afterward. It was nice to spend time with friends who liked her and didn't find her weird or out there. She loved how Dashi and her loved to talk about clothes and experimenting with new styles, she loved that Noni was as eccentric as her when it came to art and music (purple cats always made it into their conversation, Nia was the big sister she never had, Zay was big brother she never had, and Harley…well Harley was special to her.

Really special.

She still wasn't talking to her mother, Auggie was holed up in his room, and her dad seemed to not be bothered by it all. Or at least was acting like it wasn't bothering him.

Her bay window was still locked and closed off by her curtains. It was nice and not so nice to have her room completely closed off. It gave her a sense of control of who she could let it and not let in, in the figurative and literal sense.

She laid down on her bed and took a deep breath, repeating the steps Amira had showed her when it came to deep breathing exercises. After a moment she felt less stressed and lighter. Her muscles felt achy but not heavy. Her mind cleared and calm.

A moment later she pulled out the Prussian blue book that she had pilfered from Amira's bookshelf and opened it up to the first page.

A/N: I apologize about the time it took to post. Being a therapist takes toll on a person in real life unfortunately. I hope to update in a week or so. Auggie's song is called "Both of you", written by Rebecca Sugar for Steven Universe. The characters of Harley, Nia, Nomi, Dashi, and Zay's family are based on real life actors.