Chapter 6

Hey guys, thanks for the reviews. I really appreciate them. So here's another one. Its very long but i figured since i wont be updating for a while, see i wont be around. So forgive. And i hope you like and review.

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I used to hear my father say, "Counterplay ends in defeat"
And I said I'd never be that way
Tried to make you pay cause it would cost me
But you owe me so much more than what you gave to this
I guess every story twists
People tell me let it go, oh, and forget

I can't hear love cause we're at war
And revenge is so loud and the drums are so proud
But oh, I'm in a cage and I hear mercy say "I'm here now"
And it's the only way out

...

Lou looked up with a start as he realized that Renee had been calling him for some time. He had not even touched his dinner. It's so unlike him and to be bothered so much by what was going on between Steve and Danny? He had never thought that this would be him. The two had a special kind of bond everyone knew that but for Lou to actually care to the point that he can't stomach his dinner? This had gone on long enough and he drew the line on Danny leaving because of what had happened. He was the guy who would typically stay out of it but this time, this time he couldn't. He had to do something. Danny was leaving tomorrow and he is not sure if he's still going to have a job after that. Because Steve is in a really dark place right now and if Danny left then there won't be getting Steve back from that dark place. And that would automatically leave the future of Five 0 at risk. All for what? For some misunderstanding and lashing out; and well fine, Steve was in pain but come on. He wiped his mouth and threw his napkin on the dinner table. He made his excuses to Renee as he got off the table. 'He had something he had to take care of real quick.' He said as he exited the house.

As he parked outside McGarrett's house he noticed that Steve was at home, his truck was there and his lights were on. He knocked and after a few minutes the door was opened. Steve stood there with a questioning look on his face. He just raised a 'what are you doing here Lou?' eye brow but Lou was not in the mood to be dismissed right now. Not until he had said his piece. He was not the oldest on this team for nothing. It's time to share that wisdom now. He pushed his way into the house unceremoniously and Steve just raised his eyebrow even higher at that uncharacteristic behavior.

"Oh please, why don't you come in Lou and make yourself at home." Steve said with sarcasm. He was so not in the mood for lectures or pep talks or company right now which was obviously what Lu was here for. At least one of the three.

Lou turned to look at him. "You're still in a bubble aren't you?" Lou asked

Steve looked at him blank. He didn't say anything.

Lou continued. "You're in a bubble where you think if you shut everything and everyone out you can still pretend that your world is just the same."

"Lou I'm so not in the mood..."

"To a point..." Lou continued as if he didn't hear him, "...to a point where you have to hurt the one person you know is capable of perforating that bubble and force you to deal with your shit. The shit you don't want to deal with right now, possibly ever. What part of that is right McGarrett?"

Steve's defenses were up, he glared at Lou. He didn't want to go there and Lou could leave his house right now or he would find himself sporting a black eye. The mention of this issue in any way is like someone scrapping noisily at his heart and he cannot abide it. Not right now. Not ever. Because right now he's dealing. No one can see him, no one can see inside him or attempt to. He has his full mask on. And no one can pry it off. The only person who could is...well he's gone. He made sure of that.

"Lou you can leave now man if..."

"Grace is not Danny's daughter." Lou blurted out with a straight face.

"What?"

"Grace is not Williams' daughter Steve." Lou elaborated

Steve just stared at him but he could not comprehend what he was saying. It wouldn't be a joke because no one would joke with that. He looked at Lou's face and he was dead serious. He could not be telling the truth. He could not be joking about something like that because for sure if he was pulling some kind of joke he would find himself on the floor with more than just a black eye. And not from Danny, no, from him. Because Grace was like a daughter to him and that was just not something you said to someone. Not to Steve and most certainly not to Danny. The way Danny loved his daughter. Not Grace. It couldn't be true.

"Lou..." Steve said in warning as he took a calming breath, his own rage at what was going on in his own life forgotten. Replaced by another feeling of pure fear and rage.

"Lou you of all people should know how dangerous the ground you're trading on is. I mean... that's not something you just say Lou. Not to me and certainly not to Danny. Because I assure you..."

"Assure me what McGarrett? I found out about it and now I'm gonna go tell Williams. It turns out Rachel had a thing with an officer at Danny's Precinct in Jersey and well...let's just say Grace isn't his." Lou said

Steve took it all in. Why was all this happening? He could not even see straight. Lou seemed to be telling the truth. He could not say anything. He could not process it. No way.

Lou sighed, "So I came with this to you because, you know, you're the closest to him and you should tell him or maybe I should just go ahead and..."

Steve felt like he could just lurch at Lou and punch him in the mouth just to keep him quiet. "You're not telling Danny anything." He hissed

"Well then you better tell him. And you better make it quick since he is leaving tomorrow. But I suppose that won't be any problem for you. I gotta say that's one of the reasons I had to come with this to you. It seems you would have no qualms about all this, you know telling him an' all. So make a quick work of It McGarrett and tell him. Or maybe I should give you a ride to his house right now." Lou said

Steve just looked at him confused. No problem with it? What was he saying? Grace was like his own daughter and he, better that anyone, knew how much Danny loved his daughter. And Lou and everyone else who knew Danny and Grace knew that much. Danny loved his daughter with his life. She was the air that he breathed. He remembered him saying that to the Judge when he was fighting for custody. He had fought so hard to be with Grace. Hell, she was the reason he had come to this 'pineapple infested hellhole' in the first place. The place he had hated so much he could not even hide it from the Judge as he was fighting for custody. He had really hated this place but he had come here to be near his daughter twice a week. And now to tell him...? How could Lou think he could ever do it? How could he think that it would be easy for him to tell Danny such a thing when the first instinct that had hit him when he started believing what Lou was saying was to keep it from Danny? To protect him from it. That was his very first instinct. Because he knew the world of hurt something like that could bring to Danny and he could not, would not be the one to do it.

"Why would you think it would be easy for me to tell Danny such a thing?" He asked incredulously. He had to process this fist and he was not even sure he could utter such words to Danny.

"Well because you all but said it McGarrett." Lou shrugged. "I mean you expect it of other people. I don't know if it's a Navy training thing or what, but you did make yourself open for the job."

Steve was still confused, "Why, because I'm closest to Danny?"

"No, not at all. In fact that would be a reason I would not have brought this to you. But then again I thought since you said that it was easy..."

"I never said anything like that."

"You all but said it McGarrett. I mean this right now. Aren't you punishing Danny because he didn't tell you about your father in time? So now is your chance to do the right thing as you would have easily done it. Some of us would skirt around the edges because we're so damn scared of hurting the ones we love. Some of us would rather carry it ourselves while we try and spare the ones we love some pain. Not that he shouldn't know the truth, he should and that's where you come in. Go and put a bullet in his brain McGarrett by telling him that that sweet little girl he loves with everything he's got is not his. Go tell him right now before it becomes too late and he accuses you of keeping it from him."

Steve stared at him, realizing now what Lou was trying to do. Lou saw it too and took a sigh now. He was sorry about using Grace and Rachel like that but it seemed he had needed this drastic measure to get through to Steve. And it seemed like he had his attention now.

He sighed again and started conciliatory, "When I was a kid we lived in this neighborhood. My mom was a hard working woman who cared for us and minded her own business and I loved her with my very soul, still do. She's an adorable grandmother to my kids now. One day I was playing with this kid who lived in the neighborhood and we had gone to the grocery store, looking around for some sweets and toys you know. Then these ladies walk into the store and they were talking. They didn't see us because we were on the other side and we were little so, you know. We were short at eight years old and they didn't pay no mind to us anyways even if they would have seen us. They were talking about my mom. Nasty things they were saying they pierced right through the heart as I heard them. I just stood here frozen in place not sure what to do. The words had hurt me so much as if they had been talking about me. And in a sense they were talking about me. What would hurt my mom would automatically hurt me too and vise vesa. So these ladies exited the store and I just froze there. My friend nudged me and we walked out after them. I remember feeling the air being too little for me to breathe right. Then my friend was like, 'come on Lou lets go tell you mom'. Man, I tell you I had him on the floor before he could take a step towards the direction of my house. I was eight. And I could not, would not let anyone repeat those words I just heard to my mother. Let alone say them myself to her. I threatened the kid to never repeat those words to anyone then I went home. I went and gave my mom a hug and looking at her I could never think to wipe that smile off her face with such words. I'll let those words hurt me and protected her from ever knowing that such vile things were ever said of her. I was only eight. And I knew enough to protect the person I loved. To this day, my mom will never hear those words." Lou said, looking at McGarrett. "That's our first instinct isn't it? To protect the ones we love?"

McGarretet could not deny it. That's how he'd felt just now when Lou had come to him with that Grace story. He remained silent.

"My friend wanted to run and tell my mother because he thought she should know. He thought it was important that she knew. But he didn't love her like I did. He didn't hurt hearing those words like I...her son did. So he wouldn't know how much it would hurt my mother to hear those words. And if he did, he didn't care. But I did, because I loved her and knew her and I was glad that I was the one to hear those words because that day, I was her shield. I shielded her from those bullets."

"That's different." Steve said stubbornly

"Is it? Now I know that keeping something like that, like yours is a little...but how easy is it to say out. How easy is it for you to tell Danny what I just told you to tell him? I mean, unless if you don't love him that much."

Steve had no come back.

"What happens to you happens to him. You two are closer than most brothers I know and I know what I said about Grace has hurt you very bad. Now if it could hurt you like that how easy is it for you to pass on that hurt to Danny? Would you tell him so easily?"

Steve snorted, "Lou you gotta stop using that Grace reference if it's not true because..."

"I know, it's not true and I am sorry for using it but it's not impossible. Now if it were you in that position would you tell him? If it were true would you so easily...?

Steve thought about it. "At the risk of catching one in the jaw again eventually I would have to."

"Well now stop acting all self righteous as if you would act differently in the same situation. It is hardest to say things like that to the ones we love the most because of out inherent need to protect. That's the thing with family. Their first instinct is to protect. And you can't fault them for that." Lou said as he took a step to leave the house, he had done his job judging by the look on McGarrett's face. He just prayed that pride wouldn't get in the way of him making this right. He turned as he reached the door.

"Just make sure you don't lose the one person who would go to hell and back for you Steve. Because though we all love you man, you can totally live without us. But there're just some people you can't just move on without. You gotta be smart about this man. And please don't tell Danny what i just said about Grace and Rachel or I might find myself in an early grave. I don't wanna die yet." Lou said and walked out. Leaving Steve standing in his living room feeling defenseless.

...

He could not hide behind his anger now because now he knew that Danny had not been wrong. He couldn't have told him. And he had blamed him for what? For not telling him that he had seen a document with his DNA results stating that Joe White was his biological father? So what if he had told him at once then what? Would he have felt better about it? Would it have changed anything? Or did he just want someone to vent at and Danny happened to be the closest person who could feel the punch. The one person who would help him deal with this when he didn't want to deal. When he didn't want to acknowledge the facts. He had used Danny, creating an anger for him so he could block out the threatening emotional turmoil that was coming his way. He had blocked it all out. Avoided it and put up a fortress against anyone who could potentially threaten his fragile peace.

Now he stood there in the middle of his living room fighting the fight with himself he knew he was not going to win this time. His control was not going to be enough this time.

Joe White is my father.

Joe white is my father.

He shook it off, or at least tried. This is exactly what he had been avoiding to face up to. Lashing at everything and everyone who even tried to bring it up. That's why he had lashed out so viciously at Danny. Because he was the only one who knew at that time and looking at him had just reminded him of what he was trying so hard to forget.

Joe White is you father.

And he could not, would not face up to that. To all it entailed. The lies, the blatant lies by his family.

Joe white is your father.

He hurled a glass from the table across the room and it smashed against the wall.

Joe white is your father!

He walked across and took hold of the family photo in the living room. With him and Mary and their mom and dad. John McGarrett. He looked at it and smashed it against the wall. He saw it fall to the ground, the glass covering it now small fragments on the floor. The smiling faces on the photo now exposed. He looked at it again and went wild. He started smashing every single furniture in the room he could hurl against the wall. When his war was over and he now stood there in the middle of all that chaos, heaving and trembling with rage, he finally realized that he had no strength left to keep fighting. Against every cell of his being he was forced to face up now.

John Mcgarrett was not his father. He was not a McGarrett. He was not a McGareett.

Joe White and his mother must have laughed this whole time when Steve was growing up. Everyone calling him McGareet. Damn his father, his dear father. The man he had looked up to and emulated and loved so much. It had all been a lie. It had all been for nothing. .

Joe White was supposed to be his father's closest friend. How did he, my God how did...?

His father would be turning in his grave right now if he knew.

My God if his father had been around this would have killed him. This news would have certainly killed him. Steve would have killed his father just by being some other man's bastard. He would have killed his own father for sure.

Wait a minute, he'd already done that.

"I love you Champ." His father had said before his head was blown off by Hesse. Steve had heard everything on the phone.

"Your brother's dead."

"My brother's dead? Well so is your father." Then he heard the loud bang through the phone.

"Dad!" He had yelled on the phone, but there was nothing. His father was dead. Killed because of him. Just like that. He had killed his father. Well if he hadn't died at Hesse's hands because of him he would have certainly died of a heart attack because of this. Either way he would have killed his father. He was destined to be the cause of his father's death.

Not his father. Not his father. Joe White was his father.

He wanted to smash something again but he didn't have the strength anymore. It was a slow descend but he was going down. He had been floating, walking on air like one of those cartoon shows where the little raccoon is being chased and he's running on top of a building with eyes closed. The little animal runs on blindly and even if there is no more solid ground beneath his feet he runs on air, as long as his eyes are oblivious to the fact that he had no more ground beneath his feet. But as soon as he realizes it. As soon as he opens his eyes, looks down and realizes that, 'oh shit! I'm walking on air', there starts his descend. Down he goes like a pineapple falling from a tree. And more often than not, there's no one to catch him. He crushes on the ground spewing his brain contents all over the pavement. True Mr Magoo style.

That's how he felt. That's how Steve felt right then. And he couldn't stop his descend.

God, his family was so messed up. He was so messed up. He remembered WO Fat telling him not to dig into his family. That he might not like what he would find. Had WO fat known? Hell, there was a time he had thought that Wo Fat was his brother. It was not impossible.

He'd been coming from burying his best friend, Freddy, whom he had watched die covering for him. And that same week he had heard his father being shot dead on the phone. Because of him. The only thing that had kept him standing was the vengeance boiling in his blood. To find his father's killer and kill him twice if he could manage it. Maybe give him the most painful death. Then after that he could crush. We would crumble to pieces he knew that and he had been ready for it.

But then he had met Danny, then the Governor had asked him to start a task force and he'd taken it so he would better find Victor Hesse and kill him. He had killed Hesse and when it had culminated to Wo fat and the Governor he had dealt with that too. His task force had now been formed and he now had an ohana. Even still, now that those responsible for his parents' deaths were dealt with, he found that he had a life. He kept waiting for all of that weight to crush him like he had expected but it never did. Freddy's death and his guilt over it, His father's death and his guilt over it. He had had an anchor the moment he stepped on Hawaiian soil and met Daniel Williams. He didn't know it then but when he had killed Hesse he had expected the adrenaline to have worn off so he could finally crumble, but it never happened. Instead he found himself laughing, having drinks with Danny on his lanai or inside that house his own father had been murdered in. He had had a hard time the first days sleeping in that house but not as much as he had expected. He had fully expected to die there. He never did.

Instead he had found himself doing case after case with his ohana. Joking and laughing with Danny. Arguing with Danny. Relaxing on his lanai having beer with Danny after a trying case or other. Going to super balls and movies, double dating with their girlfriends. He'd found a brother. A real brother. An anchor.

He had not expected this house to be a home when he moved in. This house where his father had been murdered because of him. He didn't know when he stopped seeing the blood spatter on the walls and the blood stains on the floor and Hesse's foot prints on the floor. This had become a home where his ohana could come and chill and watch football games and boxing matches. He'd never expected that.

Were Danny had felt like an alien in Hawaii he had felt the same. They both had nowhere to call home. But somehow they had made this home, or each other. Danny finally could call Hawaii home and his own house had become a home. Except home wasn't a house. It was a person.

When he had been kidnapped by WO Fat in Korea Danny had come for him and brought him home. When he had been captured by the Taliban, Danny had come for him and brought him home. First year of their knowing each other, he had been accused of killing the Governor, Danny had stayed to help him. Now seven years of dodging bullets, getting kidnapped by Wo fat, torture and plane crashes, he remained standing. With all the horrors he had discovered about his family, his mother being Shelburne, the reason why he was tortured by Wo Fat. His mother being alive and them becoming a family again with Mary coming back. His mother being a CIA Agent. The fact that Joe White had known where his mother was all along, that he was the one hiding her. He had known it when John McGarrett was running himself to the ground trying to find those who had 'killed' his wife, the mother of his 'children', and he had helped him on a wild goose chase when all along he'd been the one hiding her. John McGarrett dying thinking that he was finally going to meet his lovely wife in heaven, not knowing that she was here on earth all along. The magnitude of such betrayal and he had borne it all. He would sometimes wonder how he was still standing. His mother leaving again to go and rescue Wo fat's father, the father of the man who had tried to kill her only son. Well, that was still debatable considering Wo fat was her son too, in a matter of speaking. He had no idea where she was now, always worried that she could be dead again. But Joe did know, of course, since he was her handler.

Then Catherine, the woman he had loved, always leaving and coming back and leaving again. He had not wanted love Cath, he had been afraid of commitment to a point that when Cath and he where practically living together he still could not call her his girlfriend. And Danny had made fun of him and coached him until he could finally admit that he and Cath were kind of exclusive. Then he had admitted to loving her. All this because he could see how Danny was so scared of commitment after his divorce with Rachel but still opened himself up for new relationships. And Danny would confess to owing that to Steve, who had also encouraged him to open himself up to commitment. They helped each other; they were each other's voice of reason.

Then he had finally found the guts to propose to Cath, bought a ring and all, and Danny was the happiest person in the world for that. While he had been sweating with nervousness Danny couldn't keep himself from shouting to anyone who would care to listen that Steve was getting married. You'd think he was the one getting married, the way he was so excited.

What happens to you happens to him.

And when he had got cold feet because he thought Cath was about to leave, Danny had managed to calm him down and encouraged him to go ahead with the proposal.

Do not abort the mission.

Danny had gone behind his back to beg Catherine to stay, yeah he knew. Cath had told him.

But Cath had left anyway. And he'd been crushed, but he was still standing.

He'd been shot and almost died and Danny had given him half his liver so he could live.

And he had lashed out and said things, horrible things and hurt Danny so much he was leaving Hawaii. Because it wasn't a home anymore without him just as it could not be a home for him without Danny either. He'd pushed him away. And now he was truly alone.

Well he had Mary, his sister.

Wait, she wasn't his anymore. She never was.

She was his half sister. He had half. He could have half of her. At least that's what he could claim.

He had no one. He didn't deserve anyone. He had pushed Danny away. Hurt him for what? Because he was hurting too? So what? So what if his father was not his father and Joe freaking White was. So what? So the f*ck what!

So what if he wasn't a McGarrett? So what if he was actually Steve Joe White. Boo...f*cking...hoo!

That anchor that had held him up with all the storms that had come into his life was gone. That anchor was gone and now he could feel all of it, everything from the beginning to now, crushing down on him. And he had no defense.

As he stood there in the center of his living room he felt his knees buckle and this time there was nothing underneath to hold him up. This time he would finally crush and burn. He felt his knees hit the ground then finally his body followed as he fell to the ground. He curled into a foetal position as wrecking sobs shook his body uncontrollably. Everything was now coming down on him, everything. And he had no one to shield him from any of it. Not anymore.

He sobbed until there were no more tears to shed. Then finally fell into a fitful slumber right there on the floor. With no hope of anyone finding him like that in the morning.

...

So there now. I hope this explains a little of how Steve is struggling and maybe you could be forgiving, seeing his own point of view. Some were not really sold on Steve's reaction and i hope this will show that he's also just another human being. Ninja Navy Seal aside. See you in a little more that a bit as i may take a while to update after this. I won't be around. Meantime, do review and let me know what you think.

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