Chapter 8
Hey guys, thanks for the reviews and the support. This is the final chapter. Its long, again. sorry for the typos and errors as i am pretty sure there are some. I only had to go through it once. I was sort of in a hurry and i may have missed some. forgive.
I do hope you like and review. Mahalo.
...
As they had made their way from the airport Steve suddenly halted.
"What is it?" Danny asked in concern.
"I...uh...I don't think it's such a good idea to go to my place right now."
"Why not?" Danny asked in confusion
Steve pulled him off for a side bar. "I...uh...i may have...sort of trashed it."
Danny was concerned, "What? What do you mean...?" He held his breath hoping that Steve hadn't gone all Rambo on his hose because of what he'd done, knowing that he had. And it crashed him that Steve was going through such pain, had gone through such a breakdown and he wasn't there.
Seeing the look in Danny's eyes Steve tried to downplay it. "Hey, I didn't burn down my house Danny. I just, it's just my living room ok? It's kind of a mess, I didn't...uh...tidy it I was in such a hurry to catch up with you and stop you from flying off to Jersey ok?" Steve said with a smirk but he could see that Danny wasn't convinced.
"Look, I don't want the kids to see it like that so...let's maybe go to your place. It's still intact right? If not we can all help you get it back in order?" Steve said imploringly
"Ok, alright." Danny said, knowing that there was so much more to this but relented. This was what Steve wanted and it wasn't just that he didn't want the kids to see his place all trashed. It was about his privacy. About protecting himself from everyone from seeing.
"Hey guys." Danny raised his voice to get the attention of everyone. "We'll have the barbecue at my house. Turns out we might need a little help getting the place back in its original place so...help some?"
"Yeah, of course." They all agreed.
It was after dinner when the Ohana finally disbanded. They had put Danny's house back in order, dusted, and cleaned. It actually took some work. Then they barbecued and the ohana was back to normal again. Conversations flowing, nothing of course to do with what had happened. Anything but that. There was still a skirting around the edges on that.
Steve was the last to excuse himself to leave.
"I am coming with you." Danny said.
"What? No, Danny I..." Steve moved to leave
Danny put his hand on his forearm to stop him, looking at him meaningfully. "I need to see it."
Shit, Steve really didn't wan't anyone, especially Danny to see his trashed house. He just wasn't comfortable showing that part of himself.
"No, you don't have to..."
"I am coming with you Steven." Danny insisted. "Rach," Danny shouted, "I am just gonna go make sure that Steve gets home alright."
Steve snorted, "Like I need protection."
"Yes you do Steve. You both do." Rachel said to Steve then turned to Danny and nodded.
"I'll be right back ok?"
"Alright." She said and watched as the two brothers exited the house.
"This is such an unnecessary hustle Danny. I really wish you'd stop mothering me right now. Go back and be with your family." Steve complained.
"Steven stop trying, ok? You know it's not gonna work. Now get in your truck and drive. I'll be right behind you." Danny said, getting into his Camaro.
Steve finally complied, he really wished he could outdrive him and somehow get to his house fast enough so he could put some order before he got there. He really wished he had thought about that earlier and had someone do it beforehand but he had been caught up in all this hype and he had desperately wanted a moment to forget. Now it seemed he had to face up to it again. He really hated this. He just really didn't like people looking into his soul.
They pulled up at his house and he took a deep breath as Danny pulled up right behind his truck.
Yeah well, what the heck. If anyone had to look into his soul it might as well be Danny. He already knew him well enough anyways. Besides, it wasn't so bad. He had not really had a good look at his living room when he rushed to the airport to stop Danny from leaving but he was sure it wasn't that bad.
"Ok, Rambo lets go in then." Danny said when Steve had just stood there.
He took a deep breath and walked to his door. He opened the door and Danny had not prepared himself to see what was in front of his eyes. The house was in total chaos. Broken glass everywhere, furniture upside down. It looked vandalized.
Danny walked into the house slowly, taking it all in. God, Steve might have hurt himself seriously with all this action. And he felt sorry. He felt so guilty standing in the middle of the vandalized living room, blaming himself for having caused this. Because he had. This was on him. That's what he believed and looking at this now he could see just how much Steve had suffered. This wasn't just mild emotion, this was raw. And no wonder why Steve had not wanted him to see this. Steve didn't like to show emotion and this was a little too much emotion. He felt so rotten for causing this. He felt his eyes sting a bit.
Steve took in the state of his living room as if for the first time now. It hadn't been this bad when he'd left this morning. God, this was bad. He hadn't noticed that he had done this much damage. What had gotten into him?
"Phew, way to go all Rambo on the world Steve. You sure you didn't use any grenades on this room?" Danny asked, no looking t him. Taking in the damage in the room.
"I thought about it." Steve tried to joke about it.
Danny turned and really looked at him this time with a shimmer of tears in his eyes.
"God, I am so sorry Steve. I am sorry I had a part in this." Danny said chokingly as he waved his hands to include the house. "I did this. To you."
"No, hey. Danny..." Steve said moving to place his hand on his shoulder. "This is not on you. Ok?"
Danny listened but knew deep down how much of their friendship was gonna be tainted by this. He wondered if they would ever get past this. And if they ever did, if he would ever be able to get past his own feelings of guilt.
As if Steve could read him, "One step at time Danny. We'll be ok. As long as we have each other we'll get through this." Steve said
Danny nodded, not all that convinced. "Yeah, yeah uh...well we could start by fixing this room. Man this is a mess."
"I know. I know." Steve looked contemplatively at the messy room. It sure did represent the kind of mess he felt himself in. He was a total mess.
Danny walked on and started picking up the broken glasses from the floor.
Steve joined him picking up the trash and trying to rearrange the furniture. Of course some of the damage will take a bit more time than just one day to fix but this was a start. And maybe he could be fixed too. Now that he had his brother back.
...
It had been two weeks since everything got back to normal. Well not exactly everything. Danny had come back to work and the ohana was back together. With Danny's encouragement and help Steve had managed to talk to Joe without blowing up anything. He actually had to hear him out and the jury was still out on the verdict. He remembered talking to Danny about it after. They had sat on his lanai as usual while Danny had waited patiently for him to divulge his feelings. He hated doing that but he found it therapeutic now.
"So what did Joe say? You managed to speak to him right?" Danny had asked
"Yeah,...uh...,"
He remembered sitting with Joe in the mountains where they used to do their target practice. This time the atmosphere was not so friendly but he forced himself to listen to Joe.
"You know, your father was the closest thing I ever had to a brother." Joe started and Steve snorted.
Joe continued anyway. "He was the only family I had. I am not a sentimental guy Steve and I never thought I was the type to fall in love with a girl. But your mother came along; she was one of my juniors in the CIA. I trained her too, some of it at least. I was her handler as you know and...well we... had kind of become close friends. But I had made it clear my life wasn't cut out for a family and romantic entanglements and I thought she was on the same page with that. Given our kind of jobs. We were working on this WO Fat thing and your mother had infiltrated the family already.
Then she met John and suddenly she wanted a family and happy ever after. But of course she couldn't have that. Her job did not permit such entanglements. It more often than not ended up in disaster with our loved ones killed and so she tried to stay focused. But she couldn't do it. She had fallen hard for John.
She asked to be excused from the Wo Fat case and she was granted that access. She finally was free from the CIA. Only there's no such thing.
She got married to John and though she had always been the woman I loved. Maybe the only woman I have ever loved, I couldn't give her what she wanted. And ... it gave me peace that she was happy. With my best friend. John was family and any family if his was my family. That was the only family I had anyways. I let her go.
Then the CIA came calling again and she had to be sucked back into the case.
It was one night Steve. One night that I... she was broken up about being back at the job. Wondering if she should just leave the family thing alone. She didn't know how to cope with it.
It was only that one night away from home that I lost control. I swore never to do it again and she threw herself back into her family. When she got pregnant she just assumed that it was John's, the timing was perfect and ...we'd only had one night. I was happy for John. I was happy with them both and since I couldn't give your mother the family that she so wanted, I let her go.
"Don't talk like you banqueted her to my father." Steve said with anger.
"I didn't. All I meant to say was I'd loved her first. And all that happened as a result was not because I had planned to take John's wife, no. It was just...me being less. I guess. Except for you guys, John's family, I really have no one."
He remembered telling Danny all this. Not knowing if he should hate Joe or hate his mother or hate everyone because he just needed to vent a little.
"Taking Joe in doesn't mean you'd be erasing your father Steve."
"Yeah? What does it mean then? I m a White now? I've never been a McGarrett and..."
"You've always been and you'll always be a Mcgarret. That should never change. Besides, Steve White doesn't sound so Ninja buddy. But then again, any name would sound Ninja on you. So it's your choice if you want to make it. You don't really have to. You'll always be a McGarret to me."
Thanks brother."
"Anytime."
He remembered that conversation very well. He remembered a lot of other things too. Like, Danny wasn't really being himself anymore. He rarely ranted at him, in fact Steve could not remember the last time Danny had ranted at him since this whole thing started. And he missed those rants. He missed the easy banter, the 'off the top of your head without thinking' remarks.
"Next thing she'll be dating". He'd said that about Danny's mother when he had come to him to complain about her wanting to divorce his dad.
There had been a brief moment of silence then.
"Why...why would you say that to me?" Danny had asked aghast
"Well because it's a progression..."
"Why would you..."
"You were getting there."
"No, I wasn't getting there. I would never get there! This is my mother we're talking about!"
"Who, Danny if I'm being honest, happens to be a really beautiful woman."
"Whoa, eyy!"
"What? She's not gonna date again?"
"Whoa enough!"
"What..."
"That's it! No more talking about it ok? I should get my head examined for coming to you for advice in the first place. Your mother, she couldn't even get divorced like a normal human being..."
"Whoa...!" Steve responded in shock. He was not seriously going there.
"...she had to pretend she was dead to get away from your father." Danny ranted.
"Hey!"
"What?"
"Take it easy. I am supportive of my other...when she lets me." Steve defended, surprisingly not feeling all that offended.
"Uh huh, well that's uh slightest bit of revision..."
"Excuse me?"
"Well I was there when you brought her home from Japan and you wouldn't even call her mom."
Steve laughed softly as he remembered that ridiculous conversation. They could talk about anything and there was nothing too sensitive or awkward. They would be that brutal with each other and still go for beer after, no hard feelings. Ever. They had been that easy with each other.
Now there was this carefulness which had never been there. As if walking on egg shells and it just wasn't them. It felt so foreign so much that as much as he had his brother back, he wasn't quite back yet.
"You mean nothing to me! Do you hear me? Nothing!"
"Steve stop."
"What do you want Denny? Do you want your liver back? Give me a knife and I'll carve it out myself."
Steve winced as he remembered those words. The look in Danny's eyes as he had said them. He could not believe he could utter such words to Danny. Ever. What had possessed him to do such a thing? How could he ever think they could go back?
"Whoever's idea it was to have me share a room with you to help me with my recovery is a complete idiot."
"You realize you didn't have to give me you liver."
"Where were you gonna get one Steve? The supermarket? Of course I had to give you my liver. What are you talking about?"
"I'm gonna have to listen to this for the rest of my life aren't I? This ...this speech about the selfless sacrifice that you made on my behalf?"
He remembered that conversation in the hospital room as they were both recovering from the transplant. Calling each other names. It was just the way they were. Well, the way they used to be.
Now Steve was being careful, feeling guilty for what he had said and done to his friend much rescently.
That last rant, the words he had spoken to Danny.
"You mean nothing to me."
They had been spoken from a very very dark place. From a place of hate and he had never thought he could ever express such hate to Danny. He had never thought for a moment that he could ever hate Danny. Not even for a moment. But for that moment he had. And Danny had seen it. And he had wanted to leave. He'd almost left.
Now Steve carried that guilt and he couldn't quite look him in the eye. They were both a bit too polite and distant with each other now it was eating away at both of them. They were not the same.
He had to make it right. Get it all in the open like they used to. Call each other out. Clear the air. God, he was hoping he would be able to fix this.
...
Steve approached Danny who was sitting on his lanai with a beer in his hand and a distant look at the ocean. Steve had invited him so they could chill and have some beer at his place.
"Hey, brought some more beer. Straight from the fridge." Steve said colloquial, as he sat down on his chair.
"Yeah, that's... uh that's great." Danny answered cordially.
See? That was exactly what he was talking about. Danny should have said something snarky, or snappy or something there. But he just said something normal. This wasn't them. They were not normal. He didn't want to be normal. Or polite or distant.
"Hey, I...uh I need to talk to you." Steve said, so ready for this to end.
Danny turned and looked at him with a concerned look on his face. "Sure. What's up?"
Yes, that was a normal response. A normal reaction, nothing at all out of the ordinary if you didn't know them as they knew each other. And this wasn't it.
Danny was being there alright, being too nice, being so..., he did everything he asked of him without protest and Steve did the same. Danny would ask him to talk to Joe, hear him out. And he's do it. He'd ask him to try forgive his mother and he'd do it too. Soon. He would still do it even when they were their old selves, this was how they are. He could really never say no to Danny but this was just a little..., this was him doing it out of guilt. To please rather than out of...trust, yeah, that was it, trust. He needed Danny's trust back and he felt that Denny felt the same. And they were both maybe overcompensating a little in order to gain that trust back. It wasn't gonna work. In fact it was killing their friendship.
"Look Danny, I know we've apologized and forgiven each other and everything but...I feel like we're not quite over this...what happened, yet. I'm not quite sure we could ever go back to what we used to be but...I sure hope we could. I miss the way we used to talk...I miss us." Steve said imploringly, looking him in the eye.
"What do you mean Steve? We do talk." Danny said, not quite sure where Steve was going with this and not wanting to step on any toes. When Steve had started with that 'we need to talk' speech, he's thought that maybe it was about Joe, or his mom and he was ready to listen. Then he had gone on to speak about 'apologizing and forgiving each other and how they would never get past this' and he held his breath. He got a little scared. He had been trying; he really had been trying not to shoot off his mouth like before and try to behave like a normal human being. It seemed it hadn't been working so well. He waited for Steve to go on.
"I am sorry, ok? I don't know how many times I can say it..."
"Hey Steve, I thought we were over this. You have nothing to be sorry about. I am the one..."
"See that's the thing Danny. You blame yourself and I blame myself and we stop being ourselves around each other. You feel distant and I know I am distant. Because every time I look at you I remember the words that came out of my mouth that day. How I..."
"It's all...it will be forgotten ok. I mean, it's nothing short of what we used to say to each other before all this."
"But it is different Danny. It was different. It was different and...I don't know man, I wish I could take it back. I just want us to talk like we used to without being so... careful."
Danny snorted, "You sure about that?"
"Look something is obviously broken here and... I don't know Danny, maybe it could never be fixed but I would at least like to try. I need you to rant a little bit. Shoot off your mouth like you used to."
"Oh, you miss my rants huh? " Danny said with amusement.
"I miss you telling me how so like my mother Cath was."
"Hey, she is. All ninja lady Navy CIA sweet looking lad you would never guess it. I did cover that by saying that we all marry our mothers' versions. Rachel is just like my mother too sometimes, when she's being nice." Danny said
"Yeah, and I miss calling Rachel her Highness. And calling your mother a beautiful woman and how she's gonna date other men. And have me bite your head off at that."Steve said.
Danny smiled sadly at that. He did miss that too. Not being so gag mouthed when it came to Steve.
"And all that name calling. Who knew I'd miss that so much?" Steve said with a smirk of his own.
"Neanderthal animal." Danny laughed at that and Steve laughed too.
"That right there. I miss having each other's backs like we used to."
Then Danny sobered.
"I only ride with people I can trust."
Yeah, it wasn't so much about the name calling and all that. It went deeper than that. He was not the same. He had gone back to work and tried the best he could to be as normal and supportive as possible but he wasn't the same having Steve's back anymore. He didn't feel like he was trusted enough. He didn't have that confidence anymore. So for him it wasn't the same on the field anymore and he was pretty touchy about that subject.
"What, you don't think I got your back anymore?"Danny said, his walls up.
"No, that's not what I meant."
"I don't know Steve." He sighed. "Look, I know that you want things to get back to normal and on most front's they are. I just...if I am being honest here, because you brought up the subject, I feel like being your partner, having your back out on the field puts you ill at ease now. Like you're waiting for me to stick a knife into your back or something. I don't know, something you said about not trusting me. Make me kind of doubt myself you know."
"I am sorry about that Denny."Steve felt rotten.
"No, it's not you. It's me. I don't know if..., I doubt if you'll ever trust me again, you know like before. Before I did what I did."
"Hey, you didn't do anything I wouldn't have done myself. You protected me Danny. Not just on the field but with this too. You tried to protect me and I know that feeling now. It's a trait that can only be found in people who care enough. You felt it like it had happened to you and you wanted to protect me from it. I would have done the same." Steve said earnestly.
Danny sighed, "Ok, so are you saying that you still trust me? I know I broke your trust and it might be impossible to go back to that kind of trust and..."
"You're right. I don't trust you like before Danny. I can't trust you like before."
Danny felt the pain of disappointment in his heart, even though he knew this was coming. Still.
"If it's even possible I feel like I trust you more Danny. Out in the field, wherever it is, you put yourself in my shoes first. You are me." Steve said in contemplation.
Danny's heart soared, he felt like a dead weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He believed him. Completely.
"Ok, Steven White, we don't wanna have to get too sentimental here. I didn't think you had such wisdom. Where did you get it from?"
"Trust me, you don't wanna know. And that name doesn't suit me." Steve said settling back on his chair. Feeling like everything was right with the world again.
"You're right. You're right, less Ramboish. Hey babe, pass me another beer will you?" Danny said settling back in his own chair. Just like that. The air had been cleared. It took deciding and wanting to get past this.
They shared a moment in silence as they just took in the scene of the ocean and the new light atmosphere. It had been long.
Danny sighed, "You know, I had a dream."
"Oh yeah? About?" Steve said with nonchalance, taking a swig of his beer.
"I was dead." Danny said lightly.
"You don't say." Steve said with the same light tone.
"And you guys, especially you Steve,...you didn't care. You acted like I was nobody. Like I was some other guy from the streets who had crushed a car. Let alone cry." Danny complained.
"We are still talking about a dream right?"
"About my death yeah, you animal."
"Well then, why are you getting all worked up about it?"
"Because Steven, you should have seen the way you guys were acting. You gave me a freaking moment of silence! For the love of God Steven!"
Steve shrugged, "Well what's wrong with a moment of silence Danno? It is standard procedure after all. I wouldn't mind a moment of silence."
Of course you wouldn't, you're an animal. You'd be lucky if you get any flowers on your grave."
Steve rolled his eyes. "Danny, a moment of silence is standard procedure anywhere. You didn't want us to give you a procedural silent treatment?"
"That's just it Steven. Procedure. I would have thought I was worthy of a little more than standard procedure. I would have expected a tear or two from you."
"Yeah well, you know I don't cry." Steve said easily.
"Oh really? Do you want me to remind you of...?"
"Ok, ok, so maybe I can manage a tear or two for you. But you know what? Maybe I'd die first. You're always ranting about how ninja reckless I am."
"Nah, I wouldn't want the burden of having to put flowers on your grave all the time. I'd probably be the only one to do so and it's such a hustle. I'll probably go first. And it would most likely be your fault."
They both knew that this tag of war of wanting to die first was because neither one could phantom the idea of having to go on without the other. They'd sooner die.
"Ok, fine. Tie breaker. We'd probably die together. In our old age, side by side in our rocking chairs." Steve said
"Or in a magnificent car crush, wrapped around a telephone pole because you were driving like an animal chasing after a no good perp." Danny countered.
Steve smiled leaning back in his chair taking in the nice Hawaiian sun.
"Ok, fine. If that's what you want Daniel. But I thought my scenario was way better."
"It is. But it's totally unrealistic. One doesn't have much of a life expectancy when they are in your general vicinity."
"And yet you stay with me.'
"It's not like I have a choice."
Steve smiled. Someone once said to him, 'You roll with a guy for so long you always think he's always gonna be next to you. Like, when you're old sitting on the porch, there'll be another rocking chair. Then something happens and you realize that other chair is gone. Empty.'
That had almost been his story.
He was so glad that other chair was back.
...
Thank you guys for the support throughout this story. I really appreciate you. Do let me know what you think.