Shell Shock

Summary: Hiccup is just 19 and he already has seen so many things, chased by so many demons. He's just 19. But he has his friends.

Warning: This one shot deals with Depression and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)

A/N: Thanks for all of your sweet reviews on the last chapter! I really appreciate it! (And Antox, Hi! I'm working on your request! It'll be up next!)

Sorry if this one shot is very stutter-y, really all of these were supposed to be separate one-shots, but I couldn't get enough to sustain a plot for each one, so I strung them together to make something coherent, but I really like the results and I hope you guys will like it too.

Okay, enjoy! Please comment, favourite, follow, and feel free to request a one shot!

Shell Shock

Astrid rushed through Dragon's Edge, calling for Hiccup. This had been one of the worst battles they had had. The Dragon Hunters attacked during the night and before anything, Hiccup and Toothless were shot down. Hiccup wasn't hurt, but Toothless' wing was torn with an arrow rendering him unable to fly. Hiccup did his best to fight and direct the counter attacks, but dragon-less, Hiccup couldn't do much.

She hadn't seen him for a couple of hours and since the end of the battle, she had been helping Stoick organize the rest of Berk's fleet as the Dragon Hunters retreated.

"Hiccup!" she called out, running up and down the gangplanks. "Hiccup! Hiccup! Where are you?"

She turned the corner to the clubhouse and gasped what she saw. Toothless was hidden away in the corner where they had left him. His wing was bandaged up in a slight haphazard way. At the moment, Toothless wasn't the one holding her concern.

Hiccup was crumpled on the floor next to his dragon. Astrid could see that his hands were stained with blood – probably Toothless' as there were used bandages littered around the floor – and there was a short dagger lying beside him.

"Hiccup!" Astrid rushed to his side.

She placed a hand on his shoulder and suddenly he shrieked and started moving away. He kept on scrambling away until his back hit the wall. Astrid blinked in surprise and reached out towards Hiccup. "Hiccup?"

Suddenly Hiccup's head jerked up and his hand flashed out. Astrid jumped back in surprise as she saw the knife gripped tightly in his hand. "Whoa, Hiccup, stop," she said calmly.

Even her calm words, Hiccup's eyes didn't seem to see her as he lashed out with his knife again. Astrid jumped back and studied him out of reach from his knife. He was shaking slightly and his eyes were not looking at Astrid, instead staring at some kind of unknown demon in front of him.

"Hiccup? What happened?" she asked.

Hiccup whimpered and squeezed his eyes shut. "Korgan was here." His voice barely above a whisper. "They tried to take my best bud, they tried to take Toothless."

"They're gone," Astrid reassured, moving forward slightly.

Again, Hiccup made a whimpering sound in response. Astrid made a hushing sound and gently covered his hand with hers. "It's okay, the battle's over. You can let go of this now. We're safe."

"But what if they return?" Hiccup's voice was small as if he was a child, scared of the dragons attacking the village.

"They won't. We showed them that the Dragon Riders are a force not to be messed with," Astrid said, putting her hand gently on his shoulder.

Hiccup's hand was shaking. "I need to protect you and the other riders. They hurt Toothless... I can't have them hurt you," he said, raising the knife slightly again.

"They won't," Astrid promised, gently removing the knife from his hand. For only a moment his grip tightened, but he let the knife go. "I will protect you."

Hiccup's laugh was slightly hysterical, but he leaned into Astrid, holding her tightly. "You... you'll stay and protect me?"

Astrid smiled and hugged him tightly. "I'll protect you."

-x-x-

It was a usual recon flight, just Hiccup and Snotlout with Toothless and Hookfang.

"It looks quite easy," Snotlout said, looking over a convoy of Dragon Hunter ships. "Half dozen ships, not many dragon proof catapults. In and out, no problem, what do you think, Hiccup?"

He looked over at Hiccup and frowned as he saw Hiccup hunched over Toothless' head, shaking hard.

"Hiccup? Are you okay?"

Hiccup jerked and looked over at Snotlout, his eyes glazed with panic. "I-I-I think that we should just keep on trailing it for another day," he said quickly, his voice shaking with uncertainty.

"Okay, fine," Snotlout said with a shrug, pretending not to notice that Hiccup's grip on Toothless' saddle was vice-like and that Hiccup's face was paler than it had ever been.

He didn't care because Jorgensons don't have... whatever Hiccstrid called it... feelings? Of course not. Jorgensons and feelings. Nope. Nope. Nope.

... right?

They tailed the convoy for another before it was nighttime and they set down for the night. Hiccup relaxed against Toothless' side, curling up under the blankets.

But sleep brought nightmares.

He was flying on Toothless through the sky at stomach turning heights, but Hiccup didn't care about the height as they flew towards his hut.

"Do it, bud. Now!"

Hiccup woke up with a scream, choking on his own breath.

"Oh my THOR! Would you shut up?" Snotlout yelled, glaring at Hiccup.

"I'm sorry," Hiccup said softly, looking down at the ground. "Really sorry."

Snotlout snorted and turned over, settling back down. Hiccup tried to do the same. He wrapped himself under his thin blanket unable to stop himself from shivering.

A little sob escaped him as he remembered the nightmare, the vivid screams, the smell of smoke, the pain, the feeling of helplessness, the—

Suddenly a second blanket settled over his shoulders, cutting off his thoughts. Looking up in surprise, he saw Snotlout settling down against Hookfang once again, but without his blanket.

"Snotlout—"

"Shut it, I'm trying to sleep." Snotlout leaned back against Hookfang's flank and tipped his helmet down over his face.

Hiccup smiled shakily and settled down under the blankets.

The cold didn't seem to bad now.

-x-x-

Panic attacks happened at the worst times. Everything shattered and drowned him in misery for hours, if not for the rest of the day.

Hiccup gasped for air, his whole body was shaking. He tried to find a grip on reality, gripping at his hair and tugging at the roots.

"Hiccup! You—"

Hiccup wasn't sure if he could hear a voice, but the feet running across the floor towards him. Hands were pushing him to lay down on his side and gently pulling his hands out from his hair.

"Just breathe, Hiccup, breathe. In, out."

Opening his eyes was a struggle. When he did, Ruffnut's face swarmed into focus. She was brushing his hair back with one hand and rubbing his back gently with the other.

"It's okay, Hiccup, just breathe."

Hiccup shook his head, trying to tell her that he couldn't.

"Just breathe, Hiccup, just breathe. I'll go get Astrid."

Suddenly, the idea of being alone became a swirling vortex of despair. Before Ruffnut could leave, Hiccup gripped the edge of her tunic.

"Huh? Are you okay?"

Hiccup was shivering as he gripped onto the only thing grounding him to reality: Ruffnut's tunic. He only let go of her tunic when she put her hand on his cheek. He curled up on himself, but Ruffnut stopped him, pushing his head back to keep eye contact. Later when Hiccup calmed down, he would realize that Ruffnut was looking panicked, but she managed to keep a calm face on for that moment.

"Okay, Hiccup, just... ummmm... tell me about your new project. What about the Dragon Sword? Need more Monstrous Nightmare gel? I can get it in bulk from Snotlout."

Hiccup tried to smile, but it was cut off with a small sob. "N-n-no. It's ok-okay."

"How about Zippleback gas?"

"I-i-infern-no d-d-doesn't-t-t use Zippleba-ba-back gas."

"Not yet, but imagine if it did. One end has a blade that lights on fire on command, then the other end lets out Zippleback gas and then BOOM! Everything explodes. You know Tuffnut and I are experts in pyrotechnics if you need some consulting."

This time, Hiccup laughed, relaxing his tense muscles. "It's okay, Ruff, I'm okay. What did you need?"

"Never mind about that, I'm sure that Tuffnut and I can find something to blow up while you get working on that Out-ferno. Maybe Astrid could help you. Should I go get her?"

Sitting up, Hiccup took a deep breath, finally calming his racing heart. "No, that's okay, I think I can work by myself for now."

Ruffnut nodded, though there was a little hesitation in her eyes. "Sure. Tuff and I will be playing in our boar pit if you need some in house pyrotechnic experts."

Hiccup smiled and watched as she left his hut. As he stood beside his desk, he looked back to the patch of sky beyond his door.

Suddenly, the sound of the boar pit with the twins sounded like a good idea.

-x-x-

Fishlegs came into the clubhouse and was surprised to find Hiccup already there.

"Hey Hiccup."

Hiccup jumped a foot into the air and he whipped around so fast that he knocked down the stack of sheets that he was looking at.

Fishlegs raised his hands to show that he wasn't trying to threaten him. "What are you doing up so early?"

"I don't know, I just... got up," Hiccup said as he quickly brushed the papers back into a stack.

"Well, if you're up, want to come to my garden? I want your opinion on some of the arrangements," Fishlegs said, picking up some breakfast that Hiccup must have made since he was the only one up at the moment.

Hiccup froze for a moment, his hands stilling on his project. "Ummmm... maybe later, Fishlegs. I'm... I'm kind of bu-usy..."

"Okay, what are you doing later in the day?" Fishlegs asked.

Hiccup mumbled something, turning to leave. Fishlegs made a small motion towards him, but Hiccup jumped and his legs gave out from underneath him.

"Hiccup!"

Fishlegs dropped to his knees beside Hiccup lying on the floor. Hiccup's eyes were wide and glazed, unseeing what's in front of him.

"Hiccup! Are you okay?"

At Fishlegs' voice, Hiccup jerked and came back to the present. Hiccup nodded, pushing himself up to his feet and not looking at Fishlegs.

"When was the last time you got some sleep?" Fishlegs asked, standing up with him.

"I'm okay," Hiccup said, his hands gripping his upper arms. "I'm okay..."

Fishlegs looked at him concerned as Hiccup tried to shield away. "Hiccup..."

Fishleg's soft tone triggered something in Hiccup. His hands tore at his upper arms until his fingers tore holes into his tunic and his finger nails scratched long his upper arms. Hot tears dripped down his cheeks. "I-I-I can't sleep," he admitted. "I-I-I can't go back to my hut. I don't know... I j-j-just want to sleep, but I can't. I'm so tired... so, so tired..."

Fishlegs took Hiccup's hands, gently prying away his vice like grip from his arms. Carefully as if Hiccup was a scared dragon, Fishlegs held his hands in one of his as he massaged Hiccup's tense shoulder. Hiccup's grip was tight at first, but as Fishlegs massaged his shoulders, his grip loosened.

Unfortunately, the massage worked a bit too well and Hiccup's whole body relaxed, collapsing against Fishlegs.

"Whoa, let's get you into a bed before this happens," Fishlegs said, holding up Hiccup.

Hiccup mumbled, but didn't make an attempt to get up. Fishlegs smiled and lifted him up, bringing him to his hut. "I can make some lavender tea for you," Fishlegs said as he laid Hiccup on his bed.

Hiccup mumbled and shook his head. "Wa... wait... I ne-ne-need to... ch-check... defenses... patrol... Edge..."

Hiccup struggled to sit up, but as soon as Fishlegs placed Hiccup's forehead, Hiccup calmed down and settled down on the bed. "Don't worry, Meatlug and I will take care of it. Just sleep for a little while."

Hiccup mumbled a couple of syllables incoherently, but closed his eyes, his breath steadying out. Fishlegs smiled and tucked the blanket around Hiccup's shoulders before turning to leave the hut.

"Fishlegs?" Hiccup spoke up before Fishlegs left the hut. "Thanks."

"Any time, Hiccup."

He hurried out of the hut towards his garden to make Hiccup some tea.

-x-x-

"Roar!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Maybe in retrospect, trying to sneak up on Hiccup wasn't the smartest prank now that Tuffnut found himself on his back and Inferno swinging down towards his skull. "Wait! Hiccup!"

Hiccup stopped Inferno, just a centimeter from Tuffnut's head. He blinked a couple of times as if to re-orientate himself before he suddenly jerked back and scrambled off of Tuffnut. "I'm so sorry, Tuff, sorry, sorry, sorry..."

Before Tuffnut could say anything, Hiccup was already running off, but before he got far, his shaking leg tripped over his prosthetic and he went sprawling over the platform.

"Hiccup, are you okay?" Tuffnut asked as he rushed over to Hiccup who was slowly collecting himself.

As Tuffnut placed a hand on his shoulder, Hiccup jerked back and yelled, "I'm fine, Tuffnut!"

Tuffnut frowned and shoved him into the nearest hut, which was the twins', slamming the door shut behind them.

"What are you doing?" asked Hiccup, looking anywhere but Tuffnut. "Please let me leave."

"Not until you tell me what's wrong," Tuffnut said, crossing his arms.

"Tuffnut," Hiccup said warningly.

"No."

"As your future chief, I command you to let me leave," Hiccup spat.

"No," Tuffnut repeated.

"Get out of my way!"

Hiccup drew out Inferno again, swiping at Tuffnut. Tuffnut quickly jumped out the way, grabbing the closest thing to defend himself with, which happened to be one of Ruffnut's spears. He didn't attack, just blocked the swipes that came a bit too close for comfort. Hiccup was usually a great sword fighter, but his emotions were making his swipes clumsy and uncoordinated.

"You know, Hiccup, I always like how you never command anyone," Tuffnut said, jumping out of the way again. "You ask us to do things, you're not our chief, you're our friend."

Hiccup wavered, his swing just swiping through the air as if he was fighting a ghost in front of him, but that moment passed and he swung again. Tuffnut managed to grab both of Hiccup's wrists, holding him still as he struggled.

"Hiccup, what's wrong with you?" Tuffnut asked again, pushing Hiccup back to a safe distance.

His grip around the hilt tightened and he took a step back. "I... I don't know. I just... I can't. I always have nightmares, I have flashbacks all the time, I can't stop feeling like someone is going to attack us at any moment... I don't... I... I can't figure out what to do."

"It'll be fine, Hiccup," Tuffnut said soothingly. "Hiccups always have a plan."

Hiccup's sword dropped and he looked away. "I-I-I... but... but I don't. This time, I don't have a plan. What do I do?"

Tuffnut jumped forward and hugged Hiccup tightly. "My man, you'll be okay."

Hiccup only wordlessly held onto Tuffnut, unable to say what he was thinking: No, it won't be okay.

-x-x-

The rest of the Dragon Riders were sitting in the clubhouse, chatting to each other as Hiccup shuffled into the room, his eyes downcast, his whole body screaming to run away, but Toothless behind him kept him moving forward.

"Hey, gang, can I talk to... can I talk to you about something?" Hiccup asked, rubbing a hand against Toothless' head as he tried to force himself to look at the others, but failed to.

"Yeah, whatever you need to talk about," Tuffnut said.

"Is everything okay?" Astrid asked, putting her hand on his shoulder.

Hiccup gave her a weak smile and took Astrid's hand, squeezing it reassuringly. "Guys... I think... I'm... Something's wrong with me," Hiccup mumbled, looking down at the floor. "I.. I can barely... think... I can't sleep, and I don't... I just can't anymore.

"I feel lost and... I know it's un-Viking-like to do this... but I really need..." He took a deep breath, and looked up to each of them, his green eyes filled with tears. "Guys, I need help."

Astrid smiled sympathetically and took his other hand hand. "It's okay to ask for help," she said. "You don't need to be ashamed that you're asking for help."

"Yeah, it's okay," Ruffnut added. "Most nineteen year olds haven't killed dragons the size of mountains—"

"Or been chased by treacherous villains—" added Tuffnut.

"Or had revenge sworn on by deranged chiefs—"

"Or have psychopathic Maces and Talons partners."

"Yeah, most of the time you have to wait until you're forty or so until you have a list like that," Ruffnut said.

Astrid shook her head fondly, and turned back to Hiccup. "I think if I can translate for the twins, they're saying, 'you're only 19, you shouldn't have to have this kind of weight on your shoulders.'"

"But... you guys are also 19 and you aren't breaking under the pressure like I am," Hiccup mumbled.

"Just because we aren't, doesn't make your pain any less valid."

"But..."

"No but's, we're going back to Berk," Fishlegs said firmly. "You need to spend some time back at home, with your dad and Gobber. I think we all need some time back at home."

Hiccup looked shyly at the rest of the gang and started smiling as he found the rest of them agreeing, speaking as they all missed their family on Berk.

"I guess that's what's happening," Hiccup said. "I'm really sorry that I'm cutting our adventures short—"

"Cutting short our adventure? Ha, as if," Snotlout said with a shrug. "Trouble seems to follow you wherever you go, Hiccup, so as long as we stick together as the Dragon Riders, we're going to see some more adventures before we know it."

Hiccup smiled. "To the great unknown?"

"To the great unknown!" the rest of the Riders chorused back.