The only light in the basement was coming from the bulb that Will rigged to hang above the makeshift ring and a few candles he set up in the hallway. He placed them all along the wall, so the students who came to the fights would know where to go. Carmilla stood in the middle of the ring facing her opponent. She didn't bother learning her opponent's names. She would end up winning anyway. She always did. They circle each other a few times after Will announces the start of the fight. Carmilla wasn't too worried about it, her opponent was bigger than her, but Carmilla was faster and knew her opponent's every move. She had studied them with Will every night the week leading up to the fight. Carmilla drowns out the roar of the crowd and focuses on her opponent. Her opponent swings a right hook, hitting Carmilla in the jaw. She was expecting that, she always let her opponents hit first. It gave them a confidence boost and her a sort of rush, the kind of determination she needed to finish her opponents off. Her opponent swings again, this time hitting her in the nose. Her eyes start to water, but she was expecting that one too. Her opponent swings again, going for another right hook to the jaw, but Carmilla ducks and swings back hitting her opponent's left eye. She stumbles back, Carmilla takes a step forward and swings again, this time hitting her opponent square in the jaw. She falls back into the rope. Carmilla manages to get in two more swings, one to her opponent's ribs, the other to her stomach, before her opponent gets a chance to retaliate. Her opponent pushes herself off the ropes and Carmilla steps back a few inches to let her opponent get her ground. She was going to make this one fun, let her opponent think she could actually win. Her opponent follows her, taking a few swings at Carmilla's face, which she easily avoids. Carmilla swings again, hitting her opponent in the eye, this time drawing blood. Carmilla watches as she stumbles back into the ropes, again. Carmilla doesn't follow her, instead, her eyes catch sight of something in the crowd.
"No fucking way."
She whispers to herself, squinting her eyes to try and let them adjust to the darkness outside of the ring. Her stomach sinks when she realizes her eyes aren't playing tricks on her. It's Laura. She's standing under an emergency light, leaned up against the far wall, looking away from Carmilla and the fight and into the eyes of some redhead a foot taller than her. She's holding a red solo cup in her hand and her hair is up in a bun on top of her head, leaving her neck bare. Carmilla can't take her eyes off her. Somehow, she looks older than she remembers. A tinge of guilt heats up the bottom of Carmilla's stomach. Laura starts laughing and brings her cup to her lips, turning to face the ring. Her smile was always Carmilla's favorite. Their eyes meet and Laura's smile falls, her cup frozen at her mouth. Carmilla watches as Laura's face turns a bright red. Carmilla smirks, she still had that effect on her. Laura turns back to the girl she was with and hands her her cup. She says something to her and the redhead nods, before Laura turns to look back at Carmilla one last time before slipping into the hallway, practically sprinting down the hall, making the candle flames dance.
Carmilla shakes her head and her eyes refocus. She's still in the ring and her opponent is no longer on the ropes in front of her. Her head involuntarily jerks to the right and her eyes instinctively squeeze shut at the contact. Suddenly, Carmilla is staring up at her opponent, towering over her, there's blood dripping from her opponent's nose and eye. Carmilla rolls her head to the side and notices Will on the other side of the ropes, holding up a wad of cash. He looks worried, his eyebrows are scrunched together, and he's screaming something, but Carmilla can't hear what he's saying. Her head feels like it's under water. She struggles to get up, but her body feels lethargic and it won't listen to what her brain is trying to tell it to do. The corners of her vision start to go dark and fuzzy. She blinks a few times to try and make it go away, but it just makes it worse and her limbs go numb, the darkness taking over.
Carmilla wakes up to Will pulling her under the ropes and into the crowd of screaming people, surrounding the makeshift ring. He slaps her cheeks a few times to get her to focus and he grabs her hand, pulling her with him. Carmilla follows close behind him as he makes his way through the bodies and into the slightly less crowded hallway. Carmilla was furious. She had never lost a match before that. She was embarrassed and aggravated by her lack of focus. Her and Will make it to the bathroom that Will had set up, previous to the fight, to be Carmilla's sort of changing room and she lost it. She spits her mouth guard into the sink and grips the counter so hard her knuckles turn white.
"What the hell was she doing here, Will?"
Carmilla punches the closest thing she can hit, ignoring the pain in her knuckles as shards of glass cut through her skin. She was seeing red. She turns toward Will, cradling her hand against her stomach.
"She was never supposed to be here!"
Will puts his hands on Carmilla's shoulders, urging her to sit down on the bench along the wall and relax.
"Woah, woah, Carm, calm down, who are you talking about?"
Will goes through Carmilla's duffle bag and pulls out a patch of gauze, placing it over the cut on the corner of Carmilla's eye. She swats his hand away when he tries to do it again.
"Laura, Will, why the fuck was she here? I lost the match because of her!"
Will kneels down in front of Carmilla.
"What the hell are you talking about? Let me fix your eye, it's not pretty."
"Laura! Laura Hollis! In the corner with that tall fucking redhead on the track team, she fucking..."
"Wait...that girl from high school? You got distracted? That's why you lost? Carm..."
Will tries to place the gauze on her eye again.
"Shut the fuck up, Will."
Carmilla pushes his hand away.
"I don't give a fuck about my eye, dammit!
Will shrugs and places the gauze on the counter next to the sink. Carmilla stands up and starts to head towards the door, but Will manages to cut her off before she even reaches the door handle.
"Carm."
Will starts to laugh.
"This is ridiculous, you can't blame someone in the crowd for you losing. You weren't focused."
"No, shit, sherlock, now get out of my way before I..."
Carmilla shakes her head.
"Just get out of my way."
Will places his hands on Carmilla's shoulders again and ushers her back to the bench.
"Stop. She didn't do anything."
Will hands her a water bottle from her duffle bag. She takes it and reluctantly takes a sip.
"She wasn't supposed to be here."
Carmilla takes another drink, swishing the cool water around her mouth before spitting it into the sink. There was blood. Carmilla cringes at the sight of the all too familiar red porcelain.
"Shit."
"Yeah, relax, you're not hurting now, but trust me, you will be tomorrow."
Carmilla slowly sits down onto the bench in front of Will. She clenches and unclenches her fists, absorbing the pain each time the tape wrapped around her knuckles rubs against the bruises that had already started forming from the fight. She starts to take in deep, even breaths to try and calm herself down while Will starts to work on stopping the blood that was dripping from her eye and nose. She closes her eyes and lets him work, leaning her head back on the cool tile of the wall behind her.
When Will stops the bleeding, he unwraps Carmilla's hands and hands her the duffle bag from the floor, before turning to go out into the hallway, leaving Carmilla alone to clean herself up. She picks out her towel and shower supplies and steps around the curtain, into the shower. She takes off her shorts and sports bra, throwing them into her bag, before she turns the knob in the shower all the way to the left, letting the hot water burn her skin and fresh cuts. Carmilla sinks down the wall onto the floor and lets out an unexpected sob. The tears had already started to flow before she even knew she was crying.
"Pathetic."
Carmilla whispers to herself, running a hand through her now drenched hair.
"Fuck!"
She cries, punching the tiled wall across from her. She punches it again, this time harder, sending a jolt of pain through her hand and up her arm to her shoulder. She cries out again, but freezes when she hears the door to the bathroom squeak open. She immediately stands up and pushes back part of the shower curtain.
"What the hell...?"
She freezes and her face changes quickly from confusion to shock when she realizes it isn't Will.
"Laura…"
Carmilla whispers to herself, there's a lump forming at the back of her throat and her chest is getting tighter every second the two of them stand there staring at eachother in shock. Practically everyday since she left, Carmilla thought about what she'd say to Laura if they ever saw each other again, but the words were caught in Carmilla's throat and suddenly it was getting harder to breathe. The steam from the shower wasn't helping her cause. Laura is standing in the doorway to the bathroom like a deer caught in headlights, her hand frozen on the door handle. Carmilla notices the rims of Laura's eyes are red. Laura shakes her head, tearing herself from her thoughts and places her hand over her eyes, letting go of the door, causing it to close behind her. Her heart is pounding against her chest.
"Uh...shit...I didn't…"
Laura looks to the ground, she can feel heat creeping into her cheeks and the back of her neck is suddenly damp with sweat. Carmilla is still staring at her, she forces herself to hold back a smirk that begins to creep onto her face when she sees how red Laura is. Carmilla's eyes fall down Laura's body. She's wearing a top that doesn't completely cover her stomach under a hunter green jacket, Carmilla is distracted by the freckles that break up her smooth skin.
"Nothing you haven't seen before, Cupcake."
Carmilla mumbles under her breath before considering that maybe she should hold off on the sarcasm and snarky comments.
"I'm just going to…"
Laura ignores Carmilla's comment and hooks her thumb over her shoulder and goes to turn around and head back down the hallway when the sound of Carmilla's voice stops her.
"Wait. Laura, wait!"
Laura freezes, she squeezes her eyes shut, hoping the tears that had started forming at the corners of her eyes wouldn't pool over.
"Look, we don't have to do this, it's fine."
Laura deadpans, hoping Carmilla doesn't hear how small her voice is. She hears the shower curtain being pulled back and her shoulders tense, her breath hitching in her throat. Carmilla steps out of the shower and grabs her towel from the hook on the wall next to her and wraps it around herself. Laura clears her throat.
"I am nowhere near drunk enough to have this conversation right now..."
Laura turns back around, intending on telling Carmilla off, but is forced to stop abruptly when she's met by an extremely close and almost completely naked Carmilla. Laura jumps at the sudden closeness and takes a step back, the door handle hitting her in the small of her back causing a small gasp to escape her lips. Carmilla takes a step forward. Laura pushes herself further into the door hoping to create as much space as possible between her and Carmilla. Laura clears her throat a second time, turning her head and finding great interest in the ceiling, the floor, the sinks along the wall. She tries to look anywhere but at Carmilla. Carmilla places her hand on the door next to Laura's head. Laura's eyes snap to Carmilla's. Carmilla's eyebrows are raised and she has a smirk plastered across her face.
"Relax, cutie. What do you think I'm going to do?"
Carmilla laughs, but leaves her hand on the door and her gaze on Laura. Laura crosses her arms, feeling self conscious and looks to the ceiling. Carmilla laughs again.
"You can look at me, you know."
Laura laughs, but there's no humor in it.
"Actually, I can't, because I'm afraid that if I do, everything that I went through in the past three years is going to hit me like a fucking rock. Fuck. I was just starting to be able to hear your name again without fucking breaking down."
Laura's voice cracks on the last sentence, her eyes widening at what she just admitted. She didn't mean to say those words, but once they started flowing out of her mouth she couldn't stop them. She mentally kicks herself as a tear starts to roll down her cheek, she quickly wipes it away, with a shaky hand, and turns around to face the door, pushing down on the door handle. Carmilla's mouth falls open, she wants to apologize or at least tell her why she had to leave, but again, the words are caught in her throat. She knows nothing she says could make up for the past three years and what she did.
"Let me go."
Laura whispers and Carmilla can tell she's not just referring to letting her go out into the hallway. She reluctantly takes her hand off the door and takes a step back. Laura doesn't hesitate to pull open the door and she doesn't turn around after she leaves. Carmilla catches the door before it closes and watches Laura as she wipes at her cheeks and shakes her hands at her sides, trying to calm down. Carmilla curses under her breath and closes the door. She presses her forehead against the cool wood and closes her eyes. She can feel the anger rising in her chest, her arms are tingling with rage.
"Fuck!"
Carmilla rears her elbow back and, without thinking, slams her fist into the door. She immediately brings her hand to her chest and cradles it against the towel still wrapped around her body. Tears start to form at the corners of her eyes and she doesn't wipe them away when they start to fall down her cheeks. She let's out a few sobs before examining her already bruised hand, when she comes to her senses and decides she needs to do something about her and Laura. She knows it could never be the same as it was before, but it could be better than it is now.
Carmilla goes over the last ten minutes in her head and suddenly her body feels like it is on fire. She is beyond mad at herself, but she knows that she overreacted and getting worked up over getting worked up is pointless and isn't going to solve anything so she pushes the anger, that was building in her chest, back to the bottom of her stomach. The way Laura looked at her is stuck in her head. She was hurt, disappointed, ashamed, scared, and there was even a hint of pity in her eyes that had caught Carmilla off guard.
Carmilla quickly throws her plain white t shirt on that was stuffed in her bag and squeezes into her leather pants, which she immediately regrets wearing earlier that day considering she forgot to pack a different pair of pants and her legs are still wet from the failed attempt at a shower, causing the leather to stick uncomfortably to her skin. She messily rebandages her hands and, in a hurry, throws everything in her duffle bag. Will isn't in the hallway when she leaves the bathroom and considers sending him a quick text to tell him she won't be at the apartment until late that night, or not at all, but her phone is in the bag under all of her stuff and she doesn't really have time to go searching through it all. She hurries toward the closest exit that she knows of, keeping to the back hallways and stairwells to avoid the traffic that usually loitered around after every fight. When she reaches the exit that her bike is parked at, she throws her bag over her shoulder and grabs her keys from the side pocket and pushes open the door, finding her bike exactly where she left it. She picks up her helmet from the seat, stuffing it under her arm and places one leg on either side of the bike before turning the key in the ignition. The engine roars to life after a few tries at the choke. She places her helmet over her head and kicks the kickstand up with ease and takes off towards the front of the building, hoping Laura hadn't already made it back to her dorm yet. Carmilla rounds the corner of the university building in a hurry and almost doesn't have time to stop, before her headlight picks up on the reflection of someone on a bike crossing the road in front of her.
"Jesus fuck, are you insane?!"
Her scream is muffled by the engine and her helmet, but the figure on the bike stops in the middle of the crosswalk, a stunned look on their face. Carmilla immediately curses herself under her breath when she realizes who it is.
"Shit, Laura."
Carmilla hardly recognizes her in a bike helmet. Carmilla takes her helmet off and when Laura realizes who she is, shakes her head and starts to pedal again, heading across the street.
"No, wait! Laura!"
She had meant to apologize to her, but Laura was making it impossible. She doesn't stop pedaling.
"Laura, please!"
She doesn't bother turning around. Carmilla puts her helmet back on and turns her bike around, heading in the same direction as Laura. When she catches up to her, Carmilla slows down and keeps up with Laura's pace.
"Please, listen to me!"
Carmilla yells over the motor, Laura continues to pedal faster.
"I can keep this up all night, you know."
At that, Laura stops on a dime, catching Carmilla off guard.
"This could be considered harassment."
Laura yells, staring straight ahead, her voicing cracking on the last word. Carmilla pulls over to the side of the road, keeping a decent amount of distance between her and Laura and flipping the shield up on her helmet.
"I wanted to apologize."
Carmilla yells.
"Good."
Laura deadpans.
"Good?"
Carmilla isn't expecting Laura to be so short, Carmilla was usually the one that played distant.
"Yeah, good. I deserve it. Only took you three years and four months."
There's a hint of sadness in her voice that Carmilla caught on to right away. She's right, though, she does deserve an apology and it should have been said as soon as Carmilla left, but Laura didn't understand what was going on at the time and Carmilla isn't ready to spill all of the details just yet.
"Go ahead."
Laura is still facing forward, her face blank. She won't look at Carmilla for fear of breaking down again and saying things she shouldn't, no matter how true. Carmilla is at a loss for words, yet again. She doesn't know where to start. There are so many things to apologize for.
"Well?"
Laura turns to face Carmilla, growing impatient in the awkward silence, and Carmilla's face grows hot under Laura's glare.
"I...I didn't..um."
Carmilla stutters, suddenly nervous.
"Wow, Carmilla Karnstein at a loss for words, never thought I'd see the day."
She shakes her head and turns to face forward again, leaving Carmilla at the curb. Carmilla groans and curses herself for being such a coward and it takes her until she counts to six before she gets enough courage to shout after her.
"I shouldn't have left like that, I'm sorry!"
Carmilla pushes the words through her lips quickly.
"Apology of the year."
Laura deadpans. She stops pedaling and Carmilla walks her bike over to where she's stopped. Her face is burning.
"What the fuck do you want me to say?!"
Carmilla blows up at her, she immediately regrets it as soon as the words started flowing from her mouth. Laura jumps at the sudden outburst, but lets out a short, humorless laugh and starts to pedal again.
"Wait! I'm sorry!"
Carmilla starts to follow her again.
"You should really find another way to deal with your anger."
Laura yells behind her as she turns the corner to head towards housing. Carmilla stops, surprised, letting Laura get ahead of her a bit before she turns the throttle and catches up with her.
"I know."
Laura isn't surprised by Carmilla being at her side, in fact, she looks more annoyed than anything.
"You know, what?"
She keeps pedaling.
"I have a problem controlling it, my doc says I'm getting better at it."
She laughs, actually laughs this time, which makes Carmilla furious.
"Oh, really? This is you getting better at it?"
Laura scoffs. Carmilla pushes down the anger that starts to turn her knuckles white around her handlebars.
"Look, can we just talk?"
Carmilla says through gritted teeth.
"No."
Laura says, too quickly.
"Please."
"This is definitely harassment."
Carmilla rolls her eyes and sighs loudly.
"I'm not going to stop until I say what I need to say, Laura. Please."
"I'll call the police."
"You'll what?"
Carmilla snorts, humored by Laura's bluntness.
"You heard me."
"Come on, Laura."
Carmilla laughs as they pull up to Laura's building. Laura immediately gets off her bike and starts walking it up the steps. Carmilla stumbles to get her bike kickstand down before Laura reaches the door. She starts to pull her keys from her jacket pocket.
"Laura, wait!"
Carmilla yells when she finally gets her kickstand down and she pulls her helmet off, before jogging up the steps behind Laura. She was pulling her bike through the doors when Carmilla reaches the top step. Carmilla goes to put her hand out to stop the door but Laura pulls it shut, forcing Carmilla to retract her hand quickly.
"Really?"
Carmilla yells through the glass. Laura just shrugs and mouths the word 'sorry' before she turns and makes her way further into the building.
"Laura, come on!"
Carmilla yells again. She pounds on the window to try and get Laura's attention, but she's already through the other set of doors and talking to the woman at the front desk. Laura looks back at Carmilla and says something to the woman, making her nod and give Carmilla a stern look. Carmilla sighs and crosses her arms in front of her, before turning back towards the parking lot. She places her bag on the ground next to her bike and leans back against it.
"She's not going to let me in? I'll just have to wait here for her to come outside. She has to go to class eventually."
Laura had been tossing and turning all night and is nowhere near asleep when her alarm goes off the next morning. She groans and sits up to turn off the annoying beeping coming from her phone on the desk at the end of her bed. She reluctantly rolls out of bed and quickly showers, throws a pair of jeans on and a sweater and runs a brush through her hair before putting it up in a messy bun. She was trying to pretend as if the events of last night never happened, but they were running through her head like bad reruns on cable. She couldn't help but feel somewhat guilty for the way she acted, she was childish, but she couldn't let Carmilla back into her life, no matter how much she wanted to, there were just so many bad things Laura associated with her and she wasn't ready. She pushes the thoughts to the back of her head and grabs her helmet off her desk and her backpack that was on the floor, swinging it over her shoulder, before she starts to walk her bike out into the hallway, locking the door behind her. Her room is on the first floor of the building so it doesn't take her long before she reaches in the lobby. She skids to a halt at the sight outside the second set of doors leading out of the building, to the parking lot. Her heart is pounding against her chest and her breath gets caught in her throat. Carmilla was in the same set of clothes she was wearing the night before. Laura shakes her head, erasing the look of shock and horror that had frozen her features and she turns to the woman at the front desk behind her.
"Has she been there all night?"
Laura points over her shoulder at Carmilla. She was silently praying that her instincts were wrong and that Carmilla just happened to own multiple pairs of incredibly tight leather pants and plain white t shirts.
"She was here when I got here this morning at 3 and hasn't left since."
The woman shrugs.
"Great."
Laura mumbles, through gritted teeth, before reluctantly opening the first door. Laura tries to cautiously and quietly make her way out of the building to avoid waking Carmilla, who appeared to be sleeping, on her bike in a very awkward position. Her mouth is open slightly and Laura can hear her quietly snoring, her head is resting on her duffle bag that she had propped up on the bike's dashboard, with her arms underneath. Laura has a sudden, involuntary flashback of the times she would wake up before Carmilla, when she would spend the night, and she would watch her lie like that, peaceful, until Carmilla would sense Laura awake beside her and say something annoying and witty in her low, groggy sleep voice that Laura found adorable at the time. Laura let's out a breath she didn't know she was holding and shakes her head, realizing she's staring and starts to move forward again. She accidently bumps the back wheel of her bike on the glass door, making Carmilla jump. Laura freezes.
"Shit."
Laura whispers, hoping Carmilla wouldn't wake up. Of course, her silent pleas go unanswered. Carmilla groans and sits up on her bike, blinking excessively trying to let her eyes adjust to the sun that was just coming up from behind the roof of the building. Laura is still frozen at the top of the stairs, hoping Carmilla doesn't notice her. Carmilla stretches her arms over her head, causing her shirt to lift up over the waist of her leather pants, exposing her pale skin. Laura's eyes go wide at the bruises on her hips, her mind going back to the night Carmilla left and she feels tears stinging the back of her eyes. Carmilla's face twists in pain and she winces, grabbing her side.
"Ow."
Carmilla groans. Laura quickly regains her composure, reminding herself that the bruises were most likely from the fight last night, and clears her throat, continuing down the few steps to the parking lot.
"You know, this could definitely be considered stalking..."
Carmilla's head snaps to Laura, a surprised look on her face, which quickly falls.
"Oh, get over yourself, princess."
"You stayed the night, practically on my front porch, that's literally…"
Carmilla cuts Laura off, raising her hand to gesture to the lot.
"I'm in the parking lot, I'm pretty sure you don't own the parking lot."
Carmilla snaps back, sarcastically. Laura rolls her eyes and starts to walk her bike across the lot to the sidewalk. She doesn't make it very far.
"I'm not going to stop until you accept my apology, or at least listen to me."
Laura turns around to face Carmilla.
"That is literally harassment."
"Again, get over yourself, princess."
Carmilla rolls her eyes.
"Enough with the stupid pet names. What is wrong with you. I don't appreciate your bullshit. Why can't you just leave me alone, I don't want to listen to your pathetic excuse for an apology. Why did you even choose to go here in the first place? You knew I got in on a scholarship that I couldn't pass up. Why couldn't you have just gone to fucking...I don't know...not here!"
Laura is fuming and she can't control what she's saying. She watches Carmilla as a look of hurt flashes across her face, but she quickly covers it up with a scowl.
"I'm not quite sure where 'Not Here' is, but considering my mother is the Dean here, I get a few benefits. Don't worry, I didn't come here in hopes to regain whatever shitshow we had before. It wasn't that special, cupcake."
Laura's mouth falls open, her hands tightening around her handlebars. She can feel her cheeks growing hot and she has to bite her bottom lip to keep it from quivering. Carmilla's arms are crossed over her chest and she's looking at the ground in front of Laura's feet.
"Fuck you, Carmilla. What the hell is wrong with you?"
"Apparently, a lot…"
Laura ignores her and continues.
"You're acting like the last three years didn't happen. How could you do that to someone? How could you do that to me? It wasn't fair. It hurt. It hurt so fucking much, you have no idea…"
"You don't think it was hard for me too, Laura?!"
Laura ignores her again. She was on a roll and if she stopped now, she wouldn't be able to start again.
"It felt like someone ripped my heart out of my chest and left a gaping hole in its place. I mean, was it worth it? It killed me. I didn't sleep for months because I was worried something had happened to you. For all I knew you could have been dead in a ditch somewhere. I was worried sick! Noah finally told me what happened and he found out from Will that you moved to Paris. I mean, Paris? Really? You had to move to another fucking country just to get away from me?"
"That's not…"
Carmilla shakes her head, trying to get in a few words, before Laura starts again.
"You could have at least sent me a letter or called to say goodbye or a simple text would have been great. Did you even get any of my messages? Did you listen to any of my voicemails? Read any of the emails? Letters? I went through so much unnecessary shit because of you. I closed myself off. I didn't eat. I lost every friend I had. I stopped talking to everyone. I started drinking. I mean, for God's sake, I almost died, Carmilla and you had no fucking clue! I'm a completely different person now. I'm not the fragile girl you left three years ago. I hated myself for so long. I blamed myself. It took a lot to get over that. I. Loved. You. Carmilla, I loved you. I didn't realize it at the time, but you were it. You were it for me. You leaving fucked me up. I don't know how to love anyone else. Did you even care? Oh my God…"
There are tears running down Laura's cheeks that she can't control. She had never said those words out loud before and she never thought she'd be saying them to Carmilla. She was surprised at herself. Laura's hand shoots to her mouth, muffling a sob. Carmilla is frozen. There are tears falling from her eyes, but she doesn't bother wiping them away.
"I'm sorry…"
Carmilla manages to choke out.
"That's all you have to say?"
Laura cries, softly.
"I...I don't know what to say...I want to tell you everything, I do, believe me, but I can't, Laura. I'm not ready and you wouldn't understand."
Carmilla whispers, just loud enough for Laura to hear. She takes a step in Laura's direction. Laura takes a step backward, shaking her head. Carmilla's body tenses at the look on Laura's face.
"Help me understand. I hated you for so long...I didn't know how to handle it...I don't regret what we had, but, Jesus, I can't do it again. I can't go through what I went through when you left, again."
Laura speaks softly, she can feel the weight of exhaustion starting to creep in. Carmilla nods her head in silence. Her chest is tight and her hands are shaking at her sides. When she doesn't say anything else, Laura wipes at her cheeks with her sleeve and takes a deep breath, before turning around and walking away from Carmilla. Carmilla doesn't attempt to stop her, she just watches her cross the street and get on her bike before pedaling away toward the library.