Numb.
It was beginning to become less of a feeling and more of a welcomed form of inevitable torture. If she was numb, she wouldn't have to deal with the ache in her chest whenever she pulled stupid shit like she did last night. She wouldn't have to deal with the thousands of thoughts unwelcomely swarming in her head. It didn't matter that she would eventually have to deal with the consequences of succumbing to the paralysis of her mind, it was easier to deal with it later rather than in that moment (that's what she told herself anyway). She had already been doing it unconsciously for the past few weeks. She was putting her feelings aside so she could be there for Laura, her reason being because Laura is in a fragile state and her brother's getting deployed in the next few weeks and her father just passed away and her friends are in Silas and the only person she'll have is Carmilla. She was responding without really thinking, letting her instincts take over. Her instincts proved to only care about one thing. It was easier to focus solely on Laura and not think about what this new closeness between them would do to her heart, in the long run, especially after Laura told her she wasn't ready for anything even resembling what Carmilla wanted.
That they were, as of right now, just friends.
Then Laura had to go and give her her mother's ring and they're living together and making eachother breakfast and coffee and Laura keeps asking her to sleep with her in the same bed because she doesn't want to be alone and how the fuck can Carmilla say no.
It's fucking confusing to say the least.
Laura Hollis was more confusing than Nietzsche's views on Nihilism and eternal return.
She was starting to feel the numbness and she couldn't go to the place she spent so long digging herself out of, again. She couldn't force herself to let the numbness settle in her veins, no matter how much she wanted to. Not again.
She needed to be there as much mentally as she was physically.
For Laura.
She couldn't leave her to face her own demons alone, definitely not after hearing what she had gone through when Carmilla was in Paris, not after last night and not after this morning, waking up to find her fast asleep, her features calmer than the eye of a hurricane, which was oddly ironic. Carmilla hadn't seen her like that since they spent the night at the studio before Laura ran out.
She needed to be there for herself.
So, instead of mentally numbing her senses, Carmilla settled for the physical feeling of cold wind numbing her bare cheeks and exposed hands, clenched into tight fists so she could feel the tape she still had over knuckles press against the bruises that had formed. She pumped her arms at her sides, her legs moving almost effortlessly underneath her, the only sound in her ears, the light thump of her shoes hitting the pavement in a steady, but fast, rhythm.
And her thoughts.
The bullshit going on in her head was practically deafening.
"Carm?"
She had no choice but to turn around.
"Yeah?"
"Stay."
It wasn't a question...
Carmilla's jaw clenched at the memory from last night and her fists were so tight they were nearly shaking. She dug the toe of her shoes into the ground harder and pushed her legs until her lungs were burning from lack of oxygen.
Carmilla woke up to a warm, even breath tickling her cheek and a warm body tangled with hers. Almost on instinct she went to pull the body closer to her until bare skin brushed against bare skin and her eyes shot open taking in Laura's figure next to her.
Shit.
Shit, shit, shit.
She should not have done that. She should not have agreed to sleep with Laura again. She sure as hell should not have agreed to sleep with Laura stark naked. It almost seemed more intimate than the last time it happened.
Oh, right.
This wasn't the first time.
Except it felt like it was.
It felt raw and amazing and the fact that they didn't have sex, let alone even attempt to have sex, was what made the fact that she was in bed with Laura's naked body wrapped up in her naked body feel normal. She felt safe and comfortable, except she didn't. She shouldn't be feeling this way, not when Laura didn't feel the same way back. It would only hurt more when Laura moved on and left.
Laura.
Laura, who was laying in bed with her. She was on her stomach, her mouth open slightly, her hair strewn across their shared pillow bunched in her arms. One of her legs were tangled between Carmilla's, the other spread eagle, taking up the entire bed, leaving Carmilla a small sliver of mattress. The comforter had been kicked to the end of the bed sometime in the few hours they had been asleep, leaving only a thin sheet shared between the both of them, resting lightly at the small of Laura's back. Carmilla's arm was resting over her and she had Carmilla's other hand in a loose grip between them. There was a small sliver of sunlight coming through the curtains and if Laura were to open her eyes, Carmilla was sure she would find lost solar systems. Her palms actually itched to pick up a paintbrush and paint the scene before her. That didn't happen very often, everything she painted or drew was from memory.
Beautiful, was the first word that came to mind when Carmilla opened her eyes, before the terror.
The pain in her muscles still wasn't enough to suppress the memories and among the thoughts, there was a little voice in the back of her head screaming at her to tell Laura how she feels, but then there was also the louder voice at the front of her brain screaming into a fucking megaphone telling her to keep her damn mouth shut and it was giving her a headache and this whole running from your problems thing didn't actually work when the problem was one Laura Hollis with honey brown hair and light brown eyes that held galaxies inside them and when the sun hits them just right, could paralyze and capture anyone who dared look into them. Carmilla was the captive. She had been the second she came in contact with Laura's eyes nearly 15 years ago, but only in the last few years did she realize how far gone she actually was. There was no getting away. She was a goner at age six and she wasn't the least bit taken back by this realization. She somehow knew then that she was stuck.
And she wanted to be.
And that scared the shit out of her.
Carmilla carefully removed herself from Laura's grasp, untangling their legs and extracting her hand. She quietly tiptoed her way across the hardwood floor to her suitcase with wide eyes, trained on Laura's sleeping figure, and precise movements, grabbing the first pair of sweats she saw and a shirt and slipping into them quickly. With shaky hands she turned the doorknob to the bedroom and slipped out into the hallway, pulling the door softly shut behind her. She made her way to the front door where she remembered leaving her duffle bag the night before and threw the strap over her shoulder. She was walking out the door when a hand on her arm stopped her. She froze immediately, her eyes narrowing, her grip on the door handle tightened and she let out a labored breath before turning around. She expected to see Laura standing behind her, wrapped up in a sheet, her hair tousled with sleep and her feet bare, but was surprised to find Lafontaine with a curious look on their face.
"Where do you think you're going?"
And suddenly she was back in Laura's house, three years ago, and instead of Laf standing before her it was Noah. She just stared at him, her eyes wide, feet glued to the floor, and he stared back. The grip on her arm tightened.
"Carmilla?"
It wasn't Noah's voice. Carmilla shook her head and closed her eyes, trying to get rid of the image of the soldier in front of her.
"You okay?"
Carmilla shook her head again and she was back in Laf and Perry's apartment.
"I...um."
Laf gave her a questioning look, but dropped their hand from Carmilla's shoulder.
"Run...I'm going..."
Carmilla cleared her throat and went to turn back to the door, but Lafontaine stopped her, expecting more.
"I'll be back in a few hours...I'm just going to clear my head."
Laf nodded and Carmilla sighed, reaching for the door handle. This time she made it out into the hallway and headed straight for the nearest stairwell.
Carmilla couldn't feel her legs moving beneath her anymore, her legs were like jello and her breathing was shallow, her mouth dry and her vision was beginning to go fuzzy around the edges. She didn't remember the last time since she left that she recognized anything in front of her, but somehow she had ended up in front of Laf and Perry's apartment building and she rushed to catch the door where a man was walking out into the cold air. She caught the door just before it closed and sprinted to the stairwell she used when exiting the building and ran up the stairs, two at a time, grabbing her duffle bag she left before she made her way out into the hallway and to the redheads' door. She pushed it open and nearly ran into a startled Perry with two dogs in her arms, followed by Laf, but none of that registered to Carmilla. It was almost as if her legs were moving to their own accord and ignoring the screaming ache in her muscles, begging to collapse on the floor, begging for some sort of relief. She ignored the voice in her head behind the megaphone telling her to stop what she was about to do and when she found herself in front of where Laura was sitting on the couch, her legs tucked underneath her, her hands wrapped around a steaming mug of hot tea, a blanket around her shoulders, Carmilla finally made up her decision. She thinks she knew her decision before she even walked out of the apartment that morning, but seeing Laura in that moment, her hair tousled with sleep, glowing in the sun's rays from the bare window behind her, tired brown eyes, and a yawn on her slightly chapped lips, Carmilla thought she never looked more beautiful and she knew then that she would do anything to wake up to that sight every morning.
Carmilla didn't know how long she had been gone, but within that time, the only thing she thought about was Laura. It was pathetic really, how much space the small girl took up inside her head.
"Carm, where'd-"
Ignoring her, Carmilla didn't waste anytime pulling Laura to her feet, effectively cutting her off and causing her to almost drop the mug in her hands and the blanket to drop from her shoulders to the couch cushions where she once sat. Without thinking about what she was doing, Carmilla took Laura's face in her cupped hands and before she could tell herself to stop, her lips were pressed against Laura's, almost as if she needed to kiss her in order to get her labored breathing under control. Laura sighed into the kiss and Carmilla took that as a good sign and she didn't have second thoughts about trying to deepen the kiss, but when Laura pulled back and three little words slipped past Carmilla's lips, they both froze. Carmilla's eyes shot open at the realization of what she just said and she jumped back, her hands dropping from Laura's cheeks to the space between them.
"You what?"
Laura's voice was quiet and the look on her face looked almost as if she was in pain. Carmilla tried to backup more but the back of her knees hit the coffee table and holy shit she just said that out loud. Without another word, Carmilla turned and practically sprinted to the bedroom, the look of hurt on Laura's face burned into her memory. With the door shut and locked against her back, she slid down to the floor and tried to get her breathing under control. She ignored Laura's pleas from the other side to open the door and focused on slowing her heartbeat. Her hands were clasped together, held tight to her chest when she let herself fall to her side on the hardwood floor.
She could tell by just looking at the way Laura's face contorted into one of shock to horror to hurt all in a matter of seconds:
Laura didn't love her back.
She should've listened to the voice with the megaphone.
Laura's POV
When Laura woke up, Carmilla wasn't there. She wasn't all that surprised, but it would've been nice to wake up in her arms or to have her simply lying next to her. She was neither. Come to find out, she wasn't even in the apartment and that was slightly worrisome, considering their history, but Laura pushed that away because that wasn't Carmilla's fault (not all of it anyway) and she promised not to leave like that again. She usually never broke her promises.
When Lafontaine mentioned Carmilla practically ran out of the apartment that morning like a bat out of hell, saying she needed to clear her head, Laura immediately called her. She ignored the sinking feeling in her stomach and taking reassurance in the fact that Carmilla left her suitcase. Not even three seconds later, Laura heard the familiar theme song for Doctor Who and rolled her eyes. Of course Carmilla would leave without her phone, but that also meant she was coming back. Laura relaxed, slightly.
After barely 20 minutes passed, Laura began to pace. She walked back and forth between the living room and kitchen, circling the couch and island in a figure eight. She paused every once in awhile to snatch a brownie from the baking sheet cooling on the island that Perry replenished at record speed or to plop on the couch next to Lafontaine where they were trying to watch something on tv before, inevitably hopping to her feet a few minutes later only to start pacing again. It wasn't long before Lafontaine forced Laura to go shower and calm the fuck down, claiming her anxiety was practically palpable. Laura frowned but did as she was told and took the quickest shower she could manage before changing back into the pair of sweats she slipped into that morning and one of Carmilla's t shirts and plopping down on the couch next to Lafontaine again. They groaned. Perry brought over the last of the brownies, placing them on the coffee table in front of Lafontaine, and a cup of tea for Laura. Apparently, she didn't "need anymore sugar", thus the lack of hot chocolate in her cup. When Laura tried to grab a brownie from the plate in front of them, Perry slapped her hand away and gave her a look.
They made it through most of the Avengers before the dogs started whining to be let out. Laf and Perry (more so Laf, than Per) both jumped at the opportunity to go walk them around for a bit. It was getting close to lunch time and when Laura's stomach growled, Perry offered to pick up something on the way back. Laura agreed happily and poured herself another cup of tea and sneaked a brownie while Perry and Lafontaine got the dogs ready for their walk. She sank back into the couch and draped a blanket over her shoulders before unpausing the movie and shoving the brownie in her mouth. She heard the door to the apartment open and the jingling of the dog chains and in her peripheral, she saw Perry holding the two pups in her arms in front of Lafontaine. Perry turned around to walk out the door and let out a startled yelp, capturing Laura's full attention.
After that everything happened so fast Laura barely registered any of it.
Her eyes locked with Carmilla's dark brown orbs immediately and almost on instinct, she felt herself smile. She swallowed the last bit of brownie she had in her mouth and in three strides Carmilla was standing in front of her. Her breathing was labored, she was covered in sweat, and part of her t shirt was matted to her skin, outlining her toned stomach, which holy shit how didn't she notice that before. The corner of her lips were curled up in a slight smile and her eyes looked almost terrified, but there was a hint of something Laura saw only a handful of times before, always directed towards her. Laura's breath got caught in her throat. She could sit there and admire that view forever. When she could finally speak, all she was able to get out was ' Carm, where'd- ' before she was being lifted off the couch by gentle hands and a pair of soft lips met hers in an eager kiss, almost as if Carmilla needed to kiss her. The only thing she could focus on was the way Carmilla's lips felt against her own and the taste of salt from Carmilla's upper lip and she sighed. The kiss was messy and if it had been anyone else, the idea of kissing someone covered in sweat would have been gross, but it was Carmilla and she tasted sweet and salty and there was a hint of champagne on her tongue from last night and it was anything but gross. It was hot and saccharine and there was so much emotion in the gesture it was almost overbearing, then three words came out of Carmilla's mouth and Laura froze. Her body involuntarily stopped, stalled, halted. Did she hear that right? No. That can't be what she said. She felt Carmilla tense in front of her and when she opened her eyes Carmilla's were already opened staring back at her, wide. She looked scared to death and not at all like she meant for the confession to slip past her lips and into Laura's. Suddenly there was an absence of warmth as Carmilla took a step back as if Laura was on fire and Carmilla didn't want to get caught in the flames.
She should say it back, right? That's what you do when someone you love confesses their love for you, right? You say it back?
She doesn't.
Her brain jumbles three years of thoughts into her head at once and she can't think straight. Her conscious catches on to a steady stream of the words ' she hurt you ' and ' we're too broken to fix ', then there's the voices saying ' but you do love her ' and ' it doesn't matter, love conquers all ' and all that bullshit and her brain short circuits because confusing much? Before she knows it, Carmilla is putting more space between them and Laura should really say something, like anything would be great. ' You what? ' was not what she was hoping for when she was begging her brain to focus for five seconds to come up with a coherent thought. Of course that was the wrong thing to say. When her brain finally caught up to that fact, Carmilla was already across the living room, down the hallway, and behind a closed door. When Laura heard the click of a lock, her feet started moving and suddenly she was in front of the bedroom door. Words were coming out of her mouth, but her brain wasn't registering them and the palm of her hand was starting to sting from hitting the door too many times. She could hear Carmilla's breathing pick back up on the other side of the door and when she knelt down in front of it and started pleading for her to unlock it, Laura could feel a terror in her chest so overwhelming she had to steady herself by lying down on the floor. She placed her hand against the cool hardwood and ignored the heat running down her cheeks and tried not to think about what it would mean if Carmilla shut her out, or worse, if Carmilla left.
Laura closed her eyes and whispered three little words to a locked door and a rapid heartbeat.
Carmilla didn't cry. Laura didn't love her back and she didn't cry. Her eyes watered, but none of the threatening tears ever made it as far as trailing down her cheeks to land on the hardwood beneath her head.
She didn't cry.
Instead, she allowed the feeling of being underwater to envelope her. She welcomed it with open arms. Anything to get rid of the hollow feeling in her chest and the pain that felt like it didn't have a starting point. It just hurt all over. When she finally picked herself up off the floor, after what seemed like hours, she didn't feel anything. She felt like a shell. Empty, but there, but not really. She was physically there, of course, but mentally? She was in a void.
She forced herself to shower and get dressed after ignoring Betty's call for the sixth time. She numbly put on a white button up from her suitcase, tucking it into her leather pants and slid her feet into the heels she wore the night before and borrowed a necktie from Lafontaine, which she loosely hung around her neck. She threw her hair up in a messy bun and slid her glasses over her nose before grabbing her phone and sending a quick text to Betty telling her she was on her way before slipping it into her back pocket. She grabbed her jacket, car keys and, as a last minute thought, her suitcase before going to open the door to the bedroom she had been hiding behind. Carmilla paused, her hand twitching over the doorknob. She turned her head back to the dresser where she found the ring Laura had given her, still laid out where she left it after grabbing it from the bathroom that morning.
"...think of it more of a promise ring…"
Maybe she was overreacting about this whole thing. Laura had seemed excited about their future together, eager even. It didn't make sense that she would just backtrack on what she said and unintentionally rip Carmilla's heart out of her chest just to throw it on the ground and stomp on it, or worse, rip it to shreds and proceed to sew it back together. She wouldn't do that, she wasn't that person. She was genuine and kind and not just on the surface, that's just how she was, through and through, that's what Carmilla saw in her at least. If anything, her exterior had been hardened over the years, but somehow she was still caring and, overall, too good. Maybe she just got scared and froze. For the love of Hogwarts that's what Carmilla did. She wasn't expecting to say ' I love you ', she barely even registered the fact that she actually did love Laura, but she does. Now that she's said it, she's somewhat glad it came out. It's out there now and Laura has a choice to make. If Laura legitimately didn't love her back, it was going to hurt, but somewhere deep down, Carmilla thinks maybe Laura does love her.
Carmilla walked the three strides it takes to get to the dresser and picked up the ring, gently between her fingers. She carefully placed the chain over her head and let it fall against her skin, between her breasts, and took a deep breath at the unfamiliar, yet not uncomfortable weight. She sighed and turned back around, this time not stopping when she reached the door handle.
When she opened the bedroom door, what she found wasn't at all what she was expecting.
At her feet, in the middle of the hallway, was Laura. She was curled up on the hardwood on her side, her hand lightly pressed to the floor just in front of the bedroom door, as if she was reaching out, but decided against it and paused midway, letting her hand fall into the space between her and the wooden barrier that separated her from Carmilla. Her eyes were closed and her breaths were even, but her eyebrows were knitted in the middle and she looked anything but peaceful.
Carmilla was frozen, the only thing she wanted to do was reach down and smooth the lines creasing Laura's forehead.
Had she been there the entire time?
Carmilla was snapped out of her thoughts only when Lafontaine emerged from their bedroom. They gave Carmilla a sympathetic look before continuing down the hallway.
"She's been there all day."
The voice startled Carmilla. When she looked up, Perry was walking out of the bedroom that Lafontaine had just come from and there was a sad look in her eyes as she focused her gaze on Laura's sleeping form before she continued down the hallway, following Lafontaine. Carmilla looked down to Laura at her feet and sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose and closing her eyes as she shook her head. She set her suitcase down in the hallway across from her, her jacket on top, before placing her keys in her unoccupied back pocket. She quietly bent down and slid her arms under Laura, grunting when she started to lift the smaller girl in her arms, trying not to lose balance in her heels.
She couldn't just leave her on the floor, that'd be detrimental to her health...probably. It would probably hurt her hips or something. Maybe her back or neck. Carmilla couldn't have that, she'd feel responsible and guilty and such.
Wow, she clearly wasn't as good at shutting her emotions off as she used to be. One look at Laura and she was ready to beg at the girl's feet. Okay, maybe not beg , but whatever.
Carmilla slowly turned around in the bedroom doorway, Laura still sleeping in her arms, and made her way to the unmade bed. She gently placed Laura down onto the mattress and pulled the blanket to her chin. She got as far as one step back from the bed before a hand reached out and grabbed hold of Carmilla's wrist and she panicked. Laura's eyes were still closed, but she had the hint of a smile playing on her lips and Carmilla's body went rigid. Her mind flashed back to the morning she left for Paris and the way Laura looked lying in her bed, the way her warm skin felt against Carmilla's lips as she left a lingering kiss to her forehead. Carmilla swallowed the lump in her throat and took another step back, letting Laura's hand limply fall to the mattress with a sigh of relief from Carmilla when Laura didn't show any more signs of waking up. She was not ready to talk about what happened yet, especially if she was wrong about how Laura felt. She couldn't deal with that yet. Laura didn't move again as Carmilla made her way across the dark bedroom and out into the hallway. She picked her suitcase and jacket up from where she left them and slipped her arms into the jacket sleeves before sighing and rolling her eyes at herself as she turned around and placed her suitcase against the wall just inside the bedroom.
Seriously, this girl made every last ounce of self control she had fly straight out the window.
She shut the door, softly, and made her way to the front door of the apartment, only pausing to mutter a low ' make sure she eats something ' and an ' I'll be back late...probably ' to whoever was listening before stepping out into the complex's fourth floor hallway.
The air outside was cool, but despite it snowing the night before, it was a comfortable cold that Carmilla was familiar with. The snow that had lightly covered the sidewalks less than 24 hours ago was melted into small, distant puddles on the cement. The only evidence that it had even snowed was the salt left over on the sidewalk crunching under Carmilla's heels.
As Carmilla made her way to her car parked on the street, she tried to erase any thought of Laura from her mind, she didn't need to be distracted. This night was about her. She was just going to go to the stupid gallery exhibition, drink a couple glasses of champagne, talk to potential buyers, and then after everyone left, she was going to go up to the loft and get lost in a sketch and hope it occupied enough of her time so she wouldn't have to go back to Perry and Laf's apartment until the sun was peaking over the tops of the buildings. Maybe she'll search for something a little stronger than champagne and she won't leave the loft at all. Maybe.
But probably not.
Because Laura. Laura who was sound asleep in the bed they shared the night before, tucked under blankets, wrapped up in each other. Laura who would probably be upset if she wasn't there in the morning. Laura who she kissed, probably with a little bit too much enthusiasm and need.
Fuck. And her mind was back to the person she was trying not to think about. Looks like that's a lost cause.
Carmilla's mind was saved from her pitiful self-loathing when her phone rang from her back pocket, letting out an ear piercing rendition of Apple's generic IPhone ringtone. She quickly fished the phone from her pants and, without checking the caller ID, slid her thumb across the screen and put the phone to her ear. She didn't have anytime to bite out whatever snarky remark was on the tip of her tongue, thinking it was Betty, before she recognized Mattie's voice on the other end. When what she was saying finally registered, Carmilla wasted no time in throwing open her car door and climbing inside the driver's seat, thrusting the key in the ignition, and pulling away from the curb with an angry squeal of the tires, heading in the opposite direction of the gallery, her phone thrown onto the passenger seat and forgotten.
"You are such a fucking idiot!"
Carmilla was fuming.
She was mad because she cared. As it turns out, nearly 21 years of friendship, can't be thrown away when said friend turns out to be family. She was mad because he crashed their birth father's car. It wasn't one she ever helped him work on, but she still spent a lot of time around it and it had been one of his babies. She was mad because Betty wouldn't leave her the fuck alone. Obviously, twin brother/best friend in the hospital trumped second night of a gallery showing that she didn't really want to be at in the first place. She was mad because she wasn't a huge fan of hospitals, yet here she was.
She was mad because seeing Will in a hospital bed made her sick to her stomach.
He was awake, but he looked like shit. His left arm was in a sling ( good, he'd have to try and write with his right hand ), there was a bandage covering a gash on the left side of his forehead ( serves him right ), and there was an IV in his right hand. A man in scrubs was leaning over Will's bruised body, shining a light in his eyes, when Carmilla burst into the room, catching everyone's attention. She glared at the nurse and he practically sprinted out the door of the small room with his tail between his legs. Must be new.
Carmilla's hands were closed in tight fists at her sides, her jaw was clenched shut and she could feel the back of her eyes starting to burn with unshed tears. Will was a piece of shit, but he was her piece of shit and if anything happened to him, she didn't know what she would do, despite their disagreements. They had known eachother for their entire lives, literally from the womb. Carmilla considered him a brother even before she knew he was. He was her best friend. He was always there when she needed someone, he took her shit and she took his, they knew how to handle each other, they knew each other's secrets and first kiss stories. When Carmilla came out to her mother and things didn't go as planned, Will was there. When Will found out he was adopted, Carmilla was there. So, yeah, maybe Carmilla overreacted when she found out he was her twin, but she was always one for dramatics, everyone really should've seen it coming. Plus, the fact that her mother withheld that information made it a bigger deal than it actually was, not to mention she was stressed the fuck out with this Vordenburg guy. She wasn't positive if she even wanted that collection of her work to be sold, let alone for the over gracious amount he was offering.
Will had a small smirk on his face when Carmilla finally managed to make eye contact.
"Is Carmilla "Shows No Emotion" Karnstein tearing up?"
His voice was hoarse and he sounded about as good as he looked, but there was a familiarity in his teasing tone that Carmilla missed. Carmilla let out a sigh of relief before briskly walking up to him and gently pushing him in the shoulder that wasn't in a sling.
"Don't look so smug, you bastard."
"Ah, careful , I'm wounded."
Carmilla just rolled her eyes, a slight smile on her lips.
"You'll live, you've been through worse…maybe if you weren't a fucking moron..."
"Hey…rude. People usually just bring flowers, not insults."
"Yeah, not when you crash the GTO, she was one of dad's favorites."
Will had the decency to look at least a little guilty, cringing and ducking his head under Carmilla's glare.
"Sorry, I should've probably learned to drive a stick before taking her out. You could definitely fix her up though: paint job, buff out the scratches, fix the dent...dents." Carmilla just rolled her eyes and muttered ' idiot ' under her breath before landing her eyes on her brother's and shoving her hands in her front pockets. "But, Carm...I'm glad you came."
"Yeah…" Carmilla shrugs, glancing down at the floor, "it's not a big deal."
"Hey, I'll be fine. Go to your show thing."
Carmilla shakes her head and makes her way over to a chair in the corner, taking a seat.
"I'm good."
Will smiles and settles further into the hospital bed.
"Then get some sleep, you look like shit."
Carmilla lifts her middle finger in the air, but smiles nonetheless. She scoots the chair closer to her brother's bed and plants her feet on top of the thin blanket draped over his body, resting her head on the back of the chair and crossing her arms over her chest and closing her eyes.
"Carmilla?"
She cracks open an eye, raising her eyebrow. She found Will looking at his lap, a nervous crease in his brow.
"Hm?"
"Are we good?"
Carmilla laughs and nudges Will's leg with her heel.
"Yeah, little bro, we're good."
Will frowned and huffed out a puff of air.
"Little? We're twins…"
Carmilla smirks, closing her eyes.
"I'm eight minutes older."
Will mumbled a ' whatever ' before closing his eyes as well and Carmilla's smirk turned into a small smile. This was familiar, the teasing banter between the two. It was their normal and she missed it. Carmilla was never going to let their mother get between the two of them again, if she could help it.
Will was released from the hospital the following afternoon after signing a stack of release papers thicker than a college textbook and getting a prescription for painkillers from the doctor. He even went as far as getting one of the floor nurse's numbers. Carmilla had rolled her eyes at that and promptly left to go get the car. She dropped him off at their old apartment and helped him get situated before taking his prescription and walking to the pharmacy to get it filled and stopping by the garage, where Will mentioned he had the car towed, while she waited for the pills.
The left side of the car was dented and the corner of the front bumper was smashed, including the left side light, the driver's side window was shattered and all over the front seat, but the mechanic that had been working on it told Carmilla it was driveable but that she should be careful. She scoffed at that and paid the grease clad man for the repairs he made on the engine and cursed her idiotic brother for his lack of brains. She didn't even want to know what possessed him to try and drive a stick shift on busy, hill-ridden roads in the middle of the day when he knew nothing about how to drive a stick. Carmilla shook her head in disbelief. He probably tried to coast and lost control of the car. Moron.
Carmilla dusted the seat of any glass shards and slipped into the car through the driver's side window NASCAR style, after failing to get the door open by the handle. She managed to leave the shop with only a few questioning glances her way from the men, that quickly turned to those of impressed as soon as she got the car started and ripped out of the garage with the ease and skill from someone with years of practice. She stopped at the pharmacy on her way back and picked up Will's prescription and as a second thought, stopped by the corner store by the apartment and picked up a bottle of cheap whiskey that she tossed in the passenger seat. She dropped the pills off to Will who was asleep on the couch when she got back, but she managed to get out of him that mother was out of town until the following weekend. She silently thanked whatever deity was out there watching over her or her possible bout of good karma and left Will to sleep on the couch with a note taped to his chest saying she'll be with his car at the "Karnstein Estate", as her mother referred to it.
When she arrived she didn't waste any time in pulling up to the front gate, entering the code ( stupid bitch hadn't even changed it yet, she's practically asking for Carmilla to break in ), and pulled up in front of the garage. She discarded her heels on the floor of the car, climbed out of the car the same way she got in and walked around to the back of the garage where she found the window with the broken latch and no screen she discovered as a little girl and climbed through it, using the windowsill as leverage before jumping and landing on the hard cement of the garage floor. She dusted her hands off on her pants before looking around. Her mother hadn't touched the space. Every surface was covered with her father's things. Carmilla was surprised the structure was still standing, she hadn't stepped foot in her father's space since the day of his funeral when she snuck away from the strangers in her home and sat under her father's work bench until Laura found her not even an hour later. She always did know Carmilla's favorite hiding spots.
Laura.
Dammit.
Carmilla never went back to Laf and Perry's apartment last night. Laura was probably thinking the worst right now. Or she moved on from the worst and just thinks Carmilla is avoiding her, especially if she's called or texted or anything because Carmilla hasn't even had her phone on her since last night. Wait. Her phone. She didn't have it in the hospital room, she didn't have it at the pharmacy or the garage, it obviously wasn't in her pockets...Her car. Which was with Will at the apartment. An hour away. Awesome. Oh well, going off the grid for a day never killed anyone, probably.
Carmilla groaned and rolled her eyes at herself. She'll just have to deal with that whole mess later. Instead, she pushed those thoughts to the back of her mind and opened the garage door, the sunlight from the afternoon sun warming her skin as she stepped into the light and out into the driveway to the car. She put the car in neutral and rolled it into the garage before snatching the bottle of whiskey off the passenger seat and shutting the car off. She opened the bottle and took a large sip, wiping the excess off her top lip with the back of her hand before placing the bottle on the tool bench and making her way to the house. If she was going to fix her brother's mess, she was going to need to change into something a little less restricting.
Of course her mother hadn't changed the locks or bothered as much as to pack up her shit, so when Carmilla made her way through the front door with her key and up the grand staircase and down the upstairs hall to her old bedroom, she found it just as it was the night she left, except maybe cleaner.
Carmilla paused in the doorway. Her walls were the same deep maroon color she picked out when she was 12. The wall behind her bed was practically covered with photographs. Some of them were of Carmilla and Will. Some of her and her father that she had taken from old photo albums. Most of them were of her and Laura from high school, Carmilla actually smiling in a few of them, a lot of them were just Laura. Some of them were pictures taken at their favorite hang out spots, like the roof of the middle school where they met or the playground that was a 10 minute walk from Laura's house or the attic above Carmilla's room where her and Laura shared their first kiss. A few of them were of Carmilla's favorite constellations that she was proud to have gotten pictures of. On her desk along the wall to the right of her bed, Carmilla found her old camera, the one she bought from a thrift shop when Laura asked her to join a photography class the summer after they graduated high school. She thought she left it in the class. If she remembered correctly, there was still a roll of film in it that had yet to be developed.
She hadn't anticipated being smacked in the face with so many memories. She just wanted to find a change of clothes and get lost in the task of trying to fix Will's car until she had to go get ready for the last showing at the gallery. Instead, she found herself walking to the wall of photos and she began to carefully remove each photograph, placing them on her bed when the pile in her hand got to be too much to hold. It didn't take long before she moved to the bookshelf and started removing her cherished novels, as well, placing them in a pile on the floor next to her bed. She moved on to the closet next, opening it to find nothing but clothes hangers and the few band t shirts her mother hadn't packed for her when she left for Paris. She ripped the shirts off the hangers and threw them on her bed. With the closet empty, she found the familiar hatch in the wall that led to a set of old stairs. She quickly scrambled to the foot of her bed and pushed the bench that sat at the end of it to the side and bent down to the floorboards. She pressed her hand along the wood and stopped when she felt the crack in the wood. She pressed down on one side of the board, causing the opposite end to pop up and smiled when she saw the glint of the metal catch in the light from her window. She picked up the key from the hole in the floorboards and replaced the board before pushing the bench back over her hiding spot and making her way back to the closet. She pried the lock open on the hatch with the key and slid the piece of wood away from the hole. Dust filled her nose, causing her to sneeze and she swatted at the air before crawling through the hole to the staircase. She gingerly made her way up the stairs stopping at the last step to run her thumb over the spot in the railing where Laura had carved their initials inside a heart. It was sappy and gross, but it made her smile and warmed her insides.
Inside the attic was a large box set up in the middle of the floor covered in dust and spider webs. Carmilla and Laura used to sit around the box and play monopoly. Carmilla pretended she hated it, but everytime she saw Laura's face break into a grin whenever she won or sent Carmilla to jail, Carmilla couldn't help but smile just as wide. She couldn't complain. 90% of the time Laura won only won because Carmilla let her, but that was still a secret she'd take to her grave. There was no way in Hell she was going to tell Laura that, especially because the only reason she did it was to see the girl smile and to watch her stupid victory dance after counting their money. One time, Carmilla even went as far as hiding some of her own money so she made sure Laura would have more than her. It was pathetic, she knows.
Other than the overturned box in the center of the attic, two chairs, a couple board games, millions of cobwebs, and a few old blankets, now ridden with moth holes and dust, the space was empty. What made it special was the fact that it was their own and when Carmilla and Laura would play in the space as kids, it seemed like another world. They would build forts and slay dragons and their sleepovers were always filled with loud laughter and quiet whispers. Of course that was all when her father was alive or when her mother was on a business trip and she was left alone with the nanny. Her mother never really liked Laura, despite how happy she made Carmilla. Her father, on the other hand, loved that Laura could make Carmilla laugh and smile the way she did. Carmilla found herself smiling at the memories. She never realized how bad she had it for this girl.
Carmilla walked over to the overturned box and flipped it, dodging a few spiders as they scurried along the floor. She threw the blankets and board games into the box and made her way back down the stairs and through the hole that she locked up tight before slipping the key into her pocket. She set the box on the floor next to her bed and put her old band t shirts inside, then her books, and finally the photographs from her wall. She grabbed her old camera next and placed it gently in the box, among the pictures. Carmilla didn't bother with her dresser, she knew that was empty, and her desk had nothing of importance in it, just old homework papers and tests she had been so excited to show her mother, but she never even glanced at.
Carmilla picked up the box of her childhood memories and belongings and made her way to the bedroom door. Her hand was on the handle and she was about to pull it shut behind her when she suddenly remembered something. She carefully placed the box down in the hallway and made her way back into the room and walked up to the only piece of art left over on her walls. It was honestly hideous and boring and the only thing in her room that she had no say in. She hated it. She took the painting from the hook it had been hanging from and laughed when she saw what was underneath. Her mother would have killed her if she had ever found out what she and Laura did.
In the space where the painting once hung, Carmilla instead, stared at a small hole in the wall where her and Laura had cut a piece of the drywall out. The hole was only as big as a small book, but it was inside that counted. Carmilla reached her hand inside the hole and felt around in the dark until her hand hit what she was looking for. A journal. It was leatherbound and the pages were old and faded. Laura made her get it when she started having nightmares. Laura told her to write them down and she would rewrite the dream so it wasn't so scary anymore. It had worked for a while, but when the abuse got worse so did the dreams and nothing Laura did could stop them, especially when Carmilla left out the parts where her mother was holding her by the throat or throwing her across the room, she conveniently left those parts of her dreams out, for Laura's sake. Carmilla opened the journal to the inside cover where she found her name written in perfect cursive in a fountain pen Carmilla borrowed from her father's office, then under it was Laura's name written in yellow crayon with a smiley face next to it and a bumblebee underneath on a pink flower. She said the journal needed to "radiate happiness" whenever Carmilla opened. Little did Laura know, all it would have taken was Laura's name under hers.
Carmilla ran her thumb over Laura's sloppy handwriting and laughed before she turned to the first page. It was dated almost a year after her father's accident. The dream seemed innocent enough at the time, it wasn't even that bad, especially compared to the later entries, but as she continued to read, the real message wasn't that hard to decipher. Carmilla had written that there was a small girl crying, she was stuck, it was cold and she couldn't see a thing, and a monster was making a lot of noise from somewhere far away. At hindsight, it would seem that the girl was hiding from the monster, which is what Laura had guessed. Looking back now, it wouldn't take a genius to see that the monster was Carmilla's mother and she was the small girl, and she was, indeed, not hiding from her mother. Earlier that day she had received her first ever failing mark on a test she took. She buried the test deep in her backpack and hoped her mother wouldn't look through her things. That night she dreamed her mother had found her blank test with a red ' F' in the corner and a ' see me ' written in cursive underneath. In her dream her mother had locked her in the storage space under the basement stairs. It was cold and the space was pitch black, the only sound was that of her mother yelling at her from the other side of the door. When Carmilla woke up, she couldn't control her breathing and she was crying so hard, she couldn't form words. She remembered climbing out of bed, shaking like a leaf, tears running uncontrollably down her cheeks as she reach under her bed where she had stuffed her backpack the night before, except it wasn't there and there was a pain at the back of her head and her wrist hurt. She looked down and found bruises wrapped around her small wrist. Only then did she realize it wasn't a dream.
Carmilla's eyes drifted to the paragraph underneath her short entry, written in Laura's handwriting in bright yellow crayon. Laura had turned Carmilla's vague experience into a story from her imagination written about a small girl playing hide and seek with a friendly giant, adding things in like eating peanut butter and jelly and turning the sandwiches into fish. It was incredibly random and all over the place and so very much Laura.
Carmilla flipped to the last page of the journal. It was an entry written on a scrap piece of paper that Carmilla just stuffed into the back of the book, dated the night after her and Laura's prom. There wasn't a paragraph after it written in Laura's handwriting. This one she knew wasn't a dream. She didn't sugarcoat any of it. It was raw and messy and Carmilla never showed it to Laura because Laura had no idea about her home life. At the time, she didn't think Laura would understand. She didn't want to taint Laura's view of the world with her sob stories. So, instead, she kept it from her. The night before the entry, the night Carmilla took Laura to prom, everything was going the way it was supposed to. They had planned to stay the night at a friends after the after party, but ended up taking a walk and falling asleep curled up in each other's arms next to a small fire on the beach at 4am near the house where the party was. When they woke up two hours later and watched the sunrise together, it was honestly the best morning Carmilla ever had. They made their way back to Carmilla's house hand in hand, too wrapped up in each other and still slightly intoxicated from the night before, to notice Carmilla's mother's car in the driveway on the side of the house. She was supposed to be on a business trip, but decided to come home early. Long story short, Carmilla's morning quickly turned to hell when her mother caught Laura pushing Carmilla up against the front door, in the foyer. She made Laura leave and that morning was the first time her mother had given her a concussion, it happened two more times after that, and she has the scars to prove it. Carmilla stayed home from school for a week and a half before her bruises were light enough to cover with makeup. Laura spent the entire time thinking it was something she did that had Carmilla in hiding. Since that day, Carmilla never told anyone what happened. No one except her journal.
A journal she decided she should show Laura, maybe when they were on better terms, but definitely in the near future.
Considering her mother was out of town for the week, Carmilla left the car in the garage and closed it up before she called a cab and had the driver drop her off at her old apartment with the box of her things she took from her mother's house. When she got there Will was still passed out on the couch, the bottle of pills open on the floor, the sticky note still taped to his chest. Carmilla left his keys on the island and another note telling him where the car was and that she would take care of it tomorrow before grabbing her own set of keys and making her way down to the side lot where her car was parked. She shoved the box of her shit into the trunk before sliding into the driver's seat and starting the car, eyeing her phone in the passenger seat and rolling her eyes. She went to check how many messages and missed calls she had, but found her phone dead. Great. This was going to be fun when she showed up at Laf and Perry's. Carmilla groaned and let her head fall back against the seat. She reluctantly put the car in drive and started heading in the direction of their apartment.
When Carmilla opened the door to the apartment, she expected chaos or yelling or some type of commotion directed toward her. Instead, she was met with silence. The apartment appeared to be empty. The tv in the living room was playing one of the Harry Potter movies, but it was muted and no one was on the couch. It was nearly seven, there was no way Laf or Perry would be asleep, Laura, maybe. Carmilla made her way to the bedroom where she left Laura the previous evening. No Laura. The bed had been made, but Laura's suitcase was still open on the floor, Carmilla's still against the wall where she left it. Seeing Laura's suitcase gave her some comfort. At least she hadn't left…
Next, Carmilla made her way to the laundry room where the dogs were staying. They were both sleeping, curled up against one another on a blanket on the floor. So, they didn't take the dogs, left in the middle of watching one of Laura's favorite movies and didn't leave a note . Super . Carmilla really couldn't do much but place her phone on the charger and wait, so she decided to get ready while she did. She figured she should probably show up to the last night of Betty's showing, even if this weekend was kind of a shitshow.
Carmilla managed to shower and change into a somewhat nicer top that she found in Laura's suitcase that was better than the plain t shirts she packed and found a pair of dark jeans at the bottom of her suitcase. She was zipping up her suitcase and towel drying her hair when the sound of the apartment door shutting got her attention. She started to make her way out into the hallway, but before she could make it very far, she was face to face with a short stack packed with the amount of fury of a volcano 10 seconds from erupting and a stinging cheek. Okay, make that two seconds from erupting.
" Ah , Laura, what the hell was that for?!"
Laura replaced her scowl with that of pure guilt the second Carmilla's hand instinctively flew to her left cheek.
"Shit, Carm, I didn't mean to hit you that hard. Did I actually hurt-" She was cut off by someone clearing their throat from the living room behind her. "-Um...I mean...w-where the hell have you been?! You didn't come back last night and-"
"-and she's been bugging us all day- Oof- Ow!"
Carmilla heard Lafontaine shout from the kitchen, what she suspected was an elbow to the gut, and Perry whispering something. Laura looked nervous and she was playing with her hands in front of her like a scolded child. It almost made Carmilla forget what happened the night before. Almost.
"It's a long story, Laura, and I have to get going. I'm already late."
Carmilla went to go turn back around to grab her leather jacket and shoes from the room behind her, but stopped when a strong hand grabbed her forearm. She turned around and was met with Laura's brown doe eyes, slightly puffy and red.
"I thought…You weren't answering your phone-"
Laura's hand fell from Carmilla's arm.
"It died." Laura slowly nodded her head. Carmilla sighed, running a hand through her hair. "Look, can we do this later, I really need to go."
Laura's eyebrows knitted together in the middle, her eyes on the floor.
"Where'd you stay?"
Carmilla suppressed the urge to groan. Of course Laura would think she went home with someone else last night. This woman, this insanely beautiful woman standing directly in front of her, thought she went home with someone else. Astonishing, really. Carmilla literally confessed her love for this girl and she still thinks...ugh!
"I spent the night at the hospital-"
Laura's head snapped up. That probably wasn't the best way to start that.
"What happened?! Are you-?"
"I'm fine. It was Will-"
"What?!"
Carmilla rolled her eyes.
"Like I said, long story."
Laura shrank back a bit under Carmilla's stare, but cocked her head to the side, continuing to play with her hands.
"Short version?"
She never gave up, did she? Carmilla took a deep breath.
"Mattie called, Will was in a car accident, I went, stayed the night with him, helped him home, ran some errands for him, stopped by mother's house…"
Laura's eyes about bugged out of her head at that. Carmilla just raised her hand in front of Laura to stop the tirade of words that was most likely about to spill out of her mouth.
"I-Long story, I know."
Carmilla nodded her head.
"I'll try to be back by 11-"
"And then we'll talk?"
"And then we will talk."
Laura nodded her head in understanding and Carmilla slinked back into the bedroom. She quickly grabbed her heels and slid them onto her feet and slipped on her jacket, pulling her phone from the charger on the dresser and picking up her keys. As she walked past Laura on her way out of the bedroom into the hallway, Carmilla held up her phone.
"All charged."
Laura smiled.
"Expect a call at 11 if you're not here already."
Carmilla made a show of turning the volume up on her phone.
"Yes, ma'am."
A small smirk crept it's way onto Carmilla's face. She tried to get past Laura again, but instead of her hand this time, Carmilla was met with a soft pair of lips on her cheek and a ' nice shirt ' whispered in her ear before Laura was across the hall and inside the bathroom, leaving Carmilla frozen in the hallway.
She would definitely be back by 11. They really needed to work their shit out.
To say Betty was mad, was an understatement, but she couldn't exactly scream at Carmilla in front of the guests, so instead she gave Carmilla clean up duty and considering it was the last day of the showing, that meant she also had to take down the paintings and get the gallery ready for it's normal hours on Monday.
She definitely wouldn't be back at the apartment by 11. She should've seen that coming, though.
After sending Laura a quick text telling her as much, she stalked her way to the refreshments table and snatched a glass of champagne before making her way to the back of the gallery where her paintings were hung up.
There weren't that many people the third night, but the people that were there, were important. One important person stood out from the rest, though, and Carmilla recognized him immediately.
Vordenburg.
Followed closely behind by who Carmilla assumed to be Natalie, the woman she spoke with on the phone before her and Laura left.
When they approached her, Carmilla was standing in front of one of her favorite paintings she had done for the show, drinking a glass of champagne with her free hand lazily resting in the front pocket of her dark jeans. She was the only one in the back part of the room.
"Mircalla Karnstein."
The use of Carmilla's birth name caused her body to immediately stiffen. Her mother had been the only one to ever call her that. Only a handful of people even knew about the name change and it's origin. The man had a thick accent and walked with a cane, the handle coated in gold. Carmilla turned around, cautiously, with a raised eyebrow and took the man's extended hand in hers, giving him a single firm shake before resting her hand in her back pocket and sending a nod towards Natalie. She took a sip from her glass as the man started talking again.
"Ah, yes, well, Natalie here did mention you were quite the conversationalist." Carmilla scoffed and Vordenburg cleared his throat before continuing. "I do believe we have a few things to discuss, but given our current whereabouts-"
Carmilla respectfully raised a hand, cutting the man off.
"Look, I already told Betty and your secretary here, I wasn't interested in the money aspect of any of this and, frankly, I'm flattered, don't get me wrong, but I can't help but be curious as to why you're even interested. Those pieces were some of my firsts, they're raw and messy and-"
"-and nothing. They're beautifully done and the emotion depicted is rather haunting. The fact that they're raw is what makes them so incredibly astonishing. You are quite the artist, Miss Karnstein."
Carmilla shakes her head, her eyebrows furrowed.
"They're personal."
"They're exactly what I am looking for. Have you taken into consideration-"
"No offense, but I don't want your money and excuse me if this sounds rude, but what use could you possibly have for an entire collection of memories painted by a heartbroken amatuer with mommy issues and-?"
"Oh, I digress, I hardly see you as an amatuer, Miss Karnstein. You clearly know what you're doing and the amount of progress you have made since the aforementioned works, is impeccable. If I didn't already have a theme picked out, your more recent works would be more than sufficient."
"That doesn't answer my question."
Carmilla takes another sip of the liquid beginning to warm the pit of her stomach, but nearly chokes on it at Vordenburg's next words.
"You are aware of the Kunstmuseum Liechtenstein, yes? I am interested in placing your first works in a permanent installment in the modern-"
"Wait, what?!"
A small smile makes it's way onto the man's face.
"So you are familiar."
Carmilla clears her throat.
"Of course, but-"
"No, buts, Miss Karnstein. Of course, it is entirely your decision and you may certainly choose which pieces I am able to purchase, but if possible, I would like to buy them all from you. Now, I will give you the rest of the month to make a final decision, but I must be going. You see, it is my last night in Silas and I have other matters to attend to. Natalie will be keeping in touch."
Carmilla only gets in a nod before the man is turning around and heading toward the open space of the gallery where the other guests and potential buyers still lingered.
"Uh, wait...How did you-"
"Mircalla, dear, you ask too many questions. Perhaps, maybe, you should learn to, I don't know, how do you youngsters say it now? Go with the flow?" Carmilla watches as he turns to Natalie, she nods her approval and smiles. "Yes, go with the flow, Mircalla."
And he was gone. Carmilla squints her eyes and shakes her head. What the actual hell just happened and who was this guy and how the fuck did he know her birth name...Weird.
Suddenly, in his place was a tiny blonde bundle of energy radiating with the light of a thousand suns, skipping towards her, wearing a maroon colored dress paired with patterned tights.
Honestly, where did she get these outfits, she needed to not, because she looked amazing in them and it wasn't making their... situation ... any easier. Wait, what was she doing here?
"Who was that? He looked important."
Laura was standing in front of Carmilla, smiling up at her like she was having the time of her life. Carmilla watched her, confused.
"Just the guy that wanted to buy my last collection. What are you doing here?"
"I got your text and figured you wouldn't mind some company while you were stuck here...and I might have figured I could help you afterwards and we could still have that talk?"
Laura ended her statement with a question, as if she wasn't sure Carmilla would want her there.
"Of course, cutie."
A smile formed on Laura's face at the nickname and she immediately bounded across the room to the painting that Carmilla had been admiring before Vordenburg interrupted her. Carmilla followed her.
The painting was mostly blacks and browns, but the sky was painted with reds and there were two small girls holding hands, one hardly visible against the dark background, the other in a white dress with light brown hair, walking away from those looking at the piece. They were facing toward the only other object in frame, a seemingly giant oak tree on the right side of the canvas. It didn't take a genius to figure out that the vibrant girl was Laura and the slightly taller, almost nonexistent girl, was Carmilla. The observer would only realize the taller girl was there if they were to follow the line of the shorter girl's hand to where the color bled to put color into the dark girl's skin, blending into black the further up her arm the onlooker went. The outline of the taller girl was barely visible.
The painting was based on a field near Laura's home where the girls would chase each other after school sometimes. The field was located in the middle of a clearing of trees, off a running path in a park with a sand pit and a couple of playscapes. Carmilla and Laura had discovered it one day while walking their bikes to Laura's house after school. They were eight.
"I remember this place."
Laura whispered, standing so close to the painting her nose was almost touching the canvas. She was studying the girl that was supposed to be Carmilla, running the pads of her fingers gently over the girl's joint hands in between them. Carmilla watched from a few steps back, a hand in her front pocket and the other grasping the champagne glass like a lifeline, as Laura took in a shuddering breath.
"Is this really how you see yourself?"
It came out barely above a whisper and with the noise of chatter from the other room, Carmilla wasn't even sure she heard it. When Laura turned around to face Carmilla, there were tears in her eyes, but her face was carefully void of emotion as if she was trying to hide how she felt. Too bad her eyes gave her away every time. Carmilla looked at her, confused. It was just a painting. Sure, it held a lot of emotion and maybe more so for Laura and Carmilla than any other person that had laid their eyes on it, but it was still just a painting.
Carmilla wanted to tell her that it was more of a depiction of how she saw Laura and not herself, but before she could get anything out, the smaller girl in front of her rushed forward and wrapped her arms around Carmilla's waist and buried her face in her chest, closing her eyes. Carmilla stumbled back a step before she caught herself and placed her now empty glass on a nearby podium so she could wrap her arms around Laura's shoulders. She kissed her head and relaxed into the embrace, letting the shorter girl hug her tight as she let her eyes flutter closed and her nose be overwhelmed with everything Laura.
Carmilla let her hold her for what seemed like forever. When people started to pool into the small room and the crowd started to get to be too much, Carmilla gently stepped out of the embrace and grabbed Laura's hand before pulling her out of the room and headed to the loft on the other side of the gallery.
The loft was quiet and empty due to the fact that it was blocked off with a silver chain and a sign that read ' Employees Only ' so, Carmilla knew they would get the privacy they needed.
They were standing facing each other in the center of the space, Carmilla holding onto Laura's hands between them.
"Laur-"
"Carm-"
Laura smiled up at Carmilla.
"You go first."
"No, you."
Carmilla's heart was in her throat. She could barely get out those two words let alone anything else and she had to swallow down the lump that had been forming in her throat so she waited for Laura to start.
"Yesterday…"
Oh God .
"...what you said…"
Carmilla visibly cringed.
Shit, here we go .
"It...surprised me, to say the least."
Carmilla tried to keep her face neutral and Laura looked down at their hands in the space between them.
Huh?
"I wasn't expecting that at all and when you kissed me...I don't know, I just...I got scared."
Carmilla raised an eyebrow.
Wait... she got scared?
"When you left, you hurt me…"
Oh .
"Laura, I told you I was never going to leave like that again, I-"
"I know, but Carm...when someone tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't."
Her voice was soft and almost apologetic.
Ouch.
"I guess I'm just scared that what we had isn't there anymore. It feels too broken to...I don't know, I don't think it can be fixed. I love you, but I don't think we can have what we did before with all that's happened."
Wait...did she just…?
"Maybe it's not about trying to fix something that's broken… maybe it's about starting over and creating something better…"
At that Laura looked up, her eyes going wide at the softness of Carmilla's tone and the amount of love in her eyes before she closed the distance between them and her lips landed on Carmilla's in a soft kiss. Carmilla's hands went to Laura's waist reflexively as Laura's made their way up to cup Carmilla's cheeks.
"So poetic, Miss Karnstein."
Laura mumbled against Carmilla's lips before deepening the kiss. After what felt like hours, Carmilla pulled away to take in a much needed breath, her eyes still closed, her forehead resting against Laura's.
"Say it again."
She whispered, breathing heavily. Laura knew she wasn't talking about her previous comment.
"I love you, Carmilla Karnstein."
Laura felt Carmilla smile against her lips as she brought her in for another kiss just as Carmilla whispered ' I love you too, Laura Hollis. '