A/N: Woo! Okay final update for this opening block! I'd considered leaving it at chapter five but then decided that the wrap up is equally important as the episode, so even though it means thinning my pre-written buffer that much more, I'll go ahead and post it. Hope you enjoy!
"Are you well, Jim?"
Spock watched as Jim looked up towards him. He was laying on the floor of Observation Deck C, watching the stars pass them by idly as they travelled slowly. Spock was worried for his Captain; the incident they had just gone through had to be difficult for him. Part of him would naturally want the teenager to be capable of learning control and being able to live with his own kind, but the situation had outlined clearly how impossible that was, and Jim had given up without even a token fight. Of course, he had had Spock's approval, but Spock was not entirely sure exactly how much that meant to his Captain.
Jim sighed, bending one leg at the knee and tilting his head back more. "I will be. I know we did the right thing – not like we even had a choice; even if I'd argued he would have pointed out that death was inevitable and taken Charlie anyway – and I'll get over my dissatisfaction eventually. I'll be honest, part of my being unsettled is because I didn't get to punch his lights out. Anger at what I couldn't stop from happening to my crew is a large part of my state of mind right now."
That made sense. Jim would, of course, have several conflicting emotions about this situation. "Is there any way I can help, Jim?"
His Captain sighed and rolled his head slightly. "Just your presence helps, Spock. Knowing you are here, that you agree with what happened, that you think it happened the right way in the end, that you don't think I am a complete and total fuck up for not fighting to keep the kid…"
When Jim trailed off, Spock took the opportunity to take a seat next to his Captain. That was the core problem, then – Jim felt as if he were in the wrong for not attempting to keep Charlie with them. "What happened in the end was exactly what had to happen, Jim. You did no wrong, letting Charlie go so easily. You did the only thing that could be done, and it was wise of you not to fight the inevitable outcome."
There was silence for a while, until Jim reached out and touched his wrist as he had done earlier today. It was brief, just a few seconds, but the gratitude that washed through that touch was overwhelming and awe-inspiring. He had no idea that his opinion could ever mean so much to anyone else! "I'm sorry. Words weren't enough and you deserved to know-"
"Jim, there is no need to apologise. Instead, I thank you for showing me that. It is pleasant to know that my opinion means so much to someone else. "
There was silence again as Jim watched the stars pass by and as Spock observed Jim, basking in the gratitude radiating off of him.
Jim had taken a risk, touching Spock skin-to-skin again. However, that risk had been so very worth it. Spock had needed to know how he felt as much as Jim had needed to be absolved by Spock. When he finally broke the silence, he said softly, "When I was seventeen like Charlie, I was in Russia, and I was a very, very broken teenager."
Spock turned to look at him, one elegant eyebrow raised. "Why were you in Russia instead of in Iowa?"
He sighed, "When I got back from Tarsus IV… Well, I told you that the counsellors my mother gave me didn't actually help any. After a couple years – I was only thirteen when I got back, but I was already in high school, which is how I met T'Ara – it became just too much to keep being with my family who didn't care about me. Sam had run away by that point and gone off to make his own life. He still talked to me, but I just couldn't handle staying there without any support. So I ran away. I joined a group of acrobats that were travelling around. They taught me how to better defend myself – showed me lots of unexpected and/or dirty tricks, compared to the martial arts I'd previously been taught – and how to be flexible and acrobatic both in fighting and for pleasure. Tomorrow if you want, you can join me in one of the simulation rooms that just give out opponents rather than scenarios and I can show you how I fight in a pure fight, since every time you've seen me fight before I've been holding back a lot. I'll even bring my katana. I don't fence, but I know my way around a sword, for all that my education in using it was ended early. Sulu's teaching me more, when we have the time.
"Anyway," he continued, "They travelled all over North America and then moved on to go to other continents and countries. We travelled around Europe for a while, then moved on to Asia and finally Russia. Well that was where we split up. Not because of anything bad happening between us, but rather because I was slowly breaking down and becoming more and more unstable. Finally one day, one of the ropewalkers – that's something else they taught me how to do although I'm only passable at it – came back from an errand she was running and unceremoniously dragged me off to the local Starfleet base. It wasn't a big one, and was more of a recruit centre, but one of the kids I had taken care of while we were running from the executioners had been from the area and when he'd come back to Russia, that was where they had sent him to. Somehow Celestina had found that out, and she managed to contact Viktor and get him to finagle a recommendation for therapy."
Jim laughed a little, his blue eyes looking up at the stars so that – even though he knew Spock was watching his eyes and could see the emotion in them – it felt a little less like he was baring his heart to someone who hadn't even been through what he had. That'd been the hardest part about therapy. The acrobats had all been trauma survivors, and while, yes. Spock was now a trauma survivor as well – the entirety of his home world had been destroyed, for fuck's sake, and he'd nearly died on many of their missions, just like Jim had – it was an entirely different manner of trauma. That was largely (although not only) psychological trauma. For the most part, the acrobats had all been victims of abuse.
He couldn't look at Spock, or he might not be able to finish, so he closed his eyes, took a breath in, and continued on the exhale. "I was in Russia for five years, from seventeen to twenty two, and all five years I was there, I was in therapy. I was also in school – I'd been being taught everything by the acrobats, but my therapist insisted that informal schooling was a waste of my talents, had me tested on everything imaginable, and put me in college classes once I took the tests. I tested straight out of the last year of high school and in several cases my scores were high enough to test me out of the early level college courses. I might have had a spotty education, but it was a wide education, and I learned how to do a ton of different things. I was taking about twelve different classes at any one time, earned my Master's in Engineering and in Warp Physics and took enough classes that I could've had a couple minors if I'd wanted to and it was tough but…
"Well, if I hadn't been taking so many classes, I might have really broken. Going through all the shit – both from Tarsus IV and from my entire fucking life before then – really was difficult on me, and even then it still wasn't enough. When I finally went back to Iowa, I got stuck right back into being a delinquent because there was just nothing to do. They didn't have the kind of education system I needed to thrive in Riverside and in addition to that my stepfather was beating me – and I wouldn't fight back because if I did I'd have ended up in prison – and my mother was abusing me whenever she could be bothered to be home, and it was just… a really shitty situation, you know? Pike probably saved my life when he recruited me."
That was enough, for now. He had talked about his therapy, which was actually one of the more difficult parts of talking about Tarsus IV, although it definitely was easier than actually telling Spock what happened was going to be. Mostly because therapy was a vulnerable part of his life. It was trying and emotional and had given him the need to work himself in the ground as someone he didn't know (at first anyhow, eventually he developed a great bond of trust with Ilena, and she was still his current therapist and he saw her via vid-comm once a month) turned over every experience he had and examined it, voiced opinions on it, and told him how his own opinions or feelings on it could be managed. She taught him coping mechanisms and mitigation strategies and how to function on a daily basis without losing his mind.
Spock spoke then, his voice soft in the gloom of the Observation deck. "You have lived more in one life than most people have in three, Jim. And to think, you continue to push the boundaries, experience more, and explore more. You must have been overjoyed when you received our assignment."
He chuckled, "Heh, yeah I was pretty damn pleased. I mean just think! Exploring new worlds, finding new species, having adventures all over the universe! God, I was really happy to find out our mission. Although, I'll be honest with you, part of being so pleased was that I would be completely away from Earth for at least several months, if not years. No milk-runs. No close-to-home diplomatic missions like I was positive they would give us since we're their flagship. I mean, yeah, there will be diplomatic missions and I don't mind them but I want to do more than just that. I like doing important things, but I also like exploring and learning. I like pushing boundaries back."
He glanced a look to Spock, who made a soft sound with no name, "Of course you do. It is my belief that you could never be simple, Jim."
That just made Jim grin widely and wink at Spock, "Complex is my middle name."
That got him a raised eyebrow and a very bland, "I was under the impression that your middle name was Tiberius, Jim. Did you change it?"
Jim almost said something until he looked into Spock's eyes and burst out laughing. The asshole was teasing him! Oh, man, that was great! Who would have thought that they would become such great friends so rapidly! It had only been two months since they left Earth for this five year mission, but already they were amazingly close, open, and honest with each other, and Jim was falling way too damn fast. Jim had been expecting to make his move within six months to a year, depending, but at this rate… Well, he had to wait and see. Even if he could tell that Spock did have feelings for him, Spock had to be willing to reciprocate before he made a move. They had to move at a pace comfortable to Spock, not to Jim, who was already falling hard (that was a lie, he was in so deep he was drowning) for his First Officer and couldn't imagine his life without this friendship.
"Thanks, Spock. For everything."
It was a good way to end the day.