Disclaimer: I own nothing…..sad but true.
Gibbs had never been so confused in his life. DiNozzo felt the same way he felt! This was unreal. This was not happening; he closed his eyes not to see the plea in those beautiful green eyes. He turned his head and said the last thing he wanted to say, "You don't want me DiNozzo. I don't know what you're thinking, but you want someone less damaged. I may be feeling things that I shouldn't, but that doesn't mean that I have to act on them. You would realize that also if you weren't still feeling on edge from the dreams that brought you here. When you feel well enough to leave and you get distance and perspective, you'll see that I'm right and..."
"And what, and you can go back to being a hermit sitting in your basement letting life, letting happiness, pass you by. I'm scared too Gibbs, I'm scared and confused and I don't know what I expect to happen, or what you want from me, but I know that you're the most important person in my life, you always have been, and I don't want to just walk away and not try to see what this is."
Gibbs snapped and pulled away from Tony. He turned on him, blue eyes flashing. "And you think it's so easy DiNozzo! You think that if I say ok lets explore this that there will be no consequences! Have you considered what effect this would have on our lives, on our careers, on the team that depends on us? No you didn't, because you just jump into things without thinking, just like you did with Jeanne, not considering what you were doing to her or what the consequences would be for you!"
Now Tony was pissed. "I know I fucked up with Jeanne, Gibbs! I let myself fall too deep into the role I was playing and I let myself believe that it was real and that what we had was real. And I was wrong! But I was wrong because Jeanne never knew me, everything between us was a lie from the beginning so of course it was doomed. This, us, WE are different. There are no lies or secrets and we know every little scar and trauma that the other has. And don't you dare throw our team into my face! Were you thinking of them when you ran off to Mexico after almost dying? They needed you then, we all did! You almost died and left us alone without the one person that kept us together and you left us Gibbs! You left me! And I tried to be you, I really did, but I'm not you. I did my best and I held them together the best I could but we were all hurting for you! We're a family Gibbs, that's what makes our team special and it's what makes us strong. Can't you see that?"
Gibbs turned away from Tony and went back to his boat. "Go back upstairs Tony. We're done talking for now."
"WHAT? Are you fucking kidding me? No we're not done talking!" He walked over and grabbed Gibbs, turning him around. Tony was so angry that he didn't notice the fire in Gibbs' eyes.
"I'm not one of your exes Gibbs! I'm not going to give up and run away with my tail between my legs and just give up on you! You think I've been a huge pain in your ass all these years? Well you've never seen just how much of a pain I can be." He leaned in even closer to his startled Boss. "I'm not going anywhere. You want me gone, you're gonna have to kick me out on my ass. And even then I'll come back in. The only thing that will keep me from coming back in that door will be you finally putting a fucking lock on it. And then I'll pick it. Remember, I've learned from the master."
Gibbs had never seen this side of Tony and, for the first time he could ever remember, had no idea what to do. He just stared into the younger man's eyes, filled with a rage that he'd never seen, not knowing what to say to him.
Tony could see the confusion written all over his Boss' face. If he weren't so angry he might even take pity on him and leave for the night. But he was tired of being pushed away, of everyone keeping him at arm's length. Not anymore, he could feel that this time was different and he was gonna fight like he'd never fought before. He leaned into the older man's ear.
"Talk to me Gibbs." Tony's whispered plea brushed across Gibbs' right ear and he shivered.
"I've never done this before Tony." Gibbs whispered back.
"Neither have I."
"Then why now? Why push this?"
"Because I'm tired of all of the games Gibbs. I'm tired of pretending to be someone I'm not, and I'm tired of going home to an empty apartment and acting like nothing hurts. You've never been fooled by the act. You let me be weak and hurt and, hell, even quiet. You don't know how attractive that is to me."
"But you're straight...aren't you?"
"Not completely, and you?" Tony lifted his head to look in Gibbs' eyes again.
"Not completely, I guess." Gibbs looked into Tony's eyes knowing that there was no hiding from the need in his senior agent. He needed Gibbs to open up to him, to trust him with the truth that he'd kept hidden for so long. "But I've never acted on it before."
"I sort of did…..In college of course." Tony smiled ruefully.
"Of course." Gibbs smirked.
"A buddy and I got very drunk one night and experimented. There was no penetration, but he gave me a blow job and I jacked him off. We pretended not to remember the next day, but I knew he was lying and maybe he knew I was lying too, but we never talked about it. I was scared about what it meant and what people would think so I let myself pretend that it was the alcohol that made me do it and tried to forget." Tony looked into Gibbs' eyes expectantly and Gibbs knew it was his turn to share.
"I never noticed other guys before I enlisted. Maybe because I hated my town and every guy I knew, but my first attraction happened during basic training. I got close to one of my bunk mates. I was too confused to really understand it. Didn't even realize what I was feeling until I looked back at it when it happened again many years later. Military was different then, I was different then, so "experimenting" wasn't an option for me." Gibbs smiled. "I've never told anyone any of this before."
"Thank you Gibbs, for trusting me." Tony felt a surge of emotion for the older man.
"Thank you Tony, for fighting me." Gibbs sighed.
"What's wrong?" Tony asked nervously.
"Nothing," Gibbs assured him quickly, "I'm just worn out. I'm not used to this whole sharing thing."
Tony laughed, "I guess I'll let you rest for now then. But this conversation is not over Gibbs. I was serious before."
"I know Tony. I can't promise I'll make this easy, I don't know how to do anything easy, but I'll try."