Frank stood slowly, trying not to wake Cordelia as he lifted from the couch, she was already stirring but she was not waking with the urgency she would have had she understood the gross misunderstanding transpiring in her door way. "Hey kid?" There was a dark ominous tone to Frank's voice, he planned to do bad things, but his voice had an even calm to it as he spoke.
"Yeah?" All that darkness was lost on Dahlia who looked up at Frank bright eyed and bushy tailed.
"You got anymore drawings? Of Max he-" Frank had said the magic word and with that Dahlia was zooming, running at warp speed past him as she answered.
"Tons! I had to take the black crayons from Mrs. Bells cause . . ." And her voice trailed off as she disappeared into her bedroom.
"Dahlia don't-" Paul made an attempt to enter the apartment but was emphatically denied, there was a wall between him an the entrance, a wall named Frank. "Move Asshole." Paul gave a pathetically ineffective shove but Frank did not budge, not half an inch, he was planted, firmly rooted in the ground. "Cordy?" Paul beginning to feel out matched called out for his friend, Frank could sense Paul's nerves and pounced, he had Paul's jaw clenched in his right hand squeezing it with authority, making sure he had Paul's undivided attention.
"What not going to knock my teeth in?" Frank dared him, wishing, hoping Paul would blink or breath. "Did you do that to her?" Frank wasn't dumb, and the sane reasonable part of him knew that was less than likely. Cordelia wouldn't trust Dahlia with just anyone, let alone someone with the means and motives to choke a woman out. Problem was the sane reasonable part of Frank had withered away, he had used all of that on her, on getting her unstuck. He was left with the part of him that didn't care to think or reason, that just had an unquenchable thirst to put down whatever came up against him, and Paul here was pressing all the right buttons. "Huh?" His practically rhetorical question was met with exactly he had secretly been hoping for. A fist collided with his face but much like the shove it was woefully useless, there was no give to the iron rod that was Frank's neck. He chuckled, the scariest of smirks slowly gliding over his face, Paul was done for.
"Oh shit Paul! Frank!" The crack of Paul's knuckles into Frank's jaw had finally snapped Cordelia fully out of slumber, she ran, tripping as she went, scrambling to stop the car crash unfolding in front of her. "Don't kill him Frank!" She was between them, hugging Paul tight, holding herself there as a human shield. "Please don't kill him! Oh Paul you stupid idiot! Please don't kill him!" She clung tighter, hoping that any of her pleas were reaching Frank's brain.
"Cordy what's going on?" Paul made a mistake, his hand moved and Frank surviving on instinct alone could not exclude Paul as a threat to his mission. Paul's hand was snatched, being twisted back against bone and tendon as Frank watched his knees buckle in pain. It was almost as if Cordelia was completely invisible all Frank could see was Paul and all he saw in Paul was the punching bag he had been begging for all night. "Owww Owww let go! Cordy get him off me!" Paul's pain threshold had been met, he was begging, helpless as he waited for his wrist to snap.
"Frank stop!" Cordelia at this point was basically holding Paul up but still she craned her neck trying to make eye contact with Frank, trying to snap him out of this blood thirsty trance.
"Did you-"
"No!" Paul's face was red as he pulled and pried, trying to get away.
"But you know who did." Frank did have some lose justification for his actions, the way Paul had greeted him, wanted him out, Paul had also immediately viewed Frank as a threat, and if Frank was there protecting Cordelia and that was a threat to Paul, what did that mean his motives were? Where did his allegiance lie? It was weak circular logic at best but as previously stated Frank wanted action, wanted battle, he didn't want to sit down with Paul and talk about their feelings.
"I thought you did." Paul's voice was teetering on a cry as he squirmed in pain, he could feel it, his anatomy was no match for Frank's brute force, but just like that the pressure was removed.
"What?" Frank was looking down at the man now sitting on the hallway floor clutching his hand to his chest like a newborn child.
"I saw Cordy passed out and you just sitting there, beat to shit, all spooky-"
"Paul I was sleeping. What in the fuck were you thinking?" As her adrenaline dropped so did Cordelia, sitting next to her fallen comrade.
"Since when do you sleep? And why are you mad at me?! You're the one who brought the fucking terminator home! Why couldn't you have just left with the magician?"
"Magician?" Cordelia was still so confused, how all this had unraveled into this clusterfuck.
"The guy at the bar? Are you a magician cause when I look at you everyone else disappears? That guy, sure he was creepy but he wasn't the fuckin Bourne supremacy over here!" With his good hand Paul pointed up angrily at Frank who hadn't budged from his place in the doorway.
"Ok but . . . why . . . Did you say something to piss Frank off?" Cordelia knew that was another dumb question, she was sure Paul's sheer existence pissed Frank off, everything pissed Frank off. "And you!" Cordelia stood with an exacerbated sigh. "You can't . . . You can't just wail on anything with two legs and a pulse, you need to reign it in . . . You can't be-" Cordelia trailed off, she couldn't ask Frank not to be the Punisher, that's who he was. Sure there was a sliver that wasn't, that tiny, eventually wants to be happy piece but she couldn't ask him to just be that, just the good parts, the easy parts. "I don't need you to protect me Frank." She was rubbing her face, the day had just started and already she felt exhausted.
"Tell that to your throat." Frank did not enjoy being scolded nor would he just stand there and take it, this was not entirely his fault. "I let you out of my sight for a minute and who knows what kind of dumb shit you get into. This one comes barging in threatening to knock my teeth in, has the balls to give it a go and-"
"You hit him?" Cordelia spun around, her pity for Paul was dwindling as she smacked a palm into her forehead. "Why on God's green earth would you hit Frank? He'll eat you alive Paul!"
"I . . . he's right . . . you do get into some dumb shit. I thought he hurt you and-"
"And what Paul? And so what if I'm hurt? This world's a shity place it's gonna happen Paul . . . again and again and-" Cordelia's voice was faltering, cracking ever so slightly. She knew what she had been getting into, six years ago when she and Dahlia left the Dogs for higher ground, and she had been dealing with it, taking it, juggling all life threw at her, why was now every part of her life colliding all at once.
"Here they are!" Dahlia's arms were brimming with construction paper covered in her art.
"Dahlia!" Cordelia ducked past Frank again and scooped Dahlia up in her arms. Immediately it came flooding over her, it was all worth it, the juggling the confusion, the hurt, it was all for Dahlia and it was completely worth it. "I love you a whole bunch you know that right?" Cordelia kissed Dahlia on the cheek.
"I love you a whole bunch too Dilly." Just having her say that, Dahlia snuggling into her death grip solidified it further. She'd do it all over again, twice, and she'd do it all alone because she had to, because she was the only person in the world who would defend Dahlia to her dying breath, would love Dahlia with every fiber of her being.
"You're hurt." Dahlia was a bit frightened by Cordelia's appearance, her eyes really did have a morbid look to them.
"It's ok, I'm alright now." And she was, nothing hurt, she didn't feel dirty or guilty, if anything she felt validated in her choices.
"Mr. Frank's hurt too were you in a car crash? Milo's dad was-"
"That's a great question Dahlia." Paul cut off her rant, he was finally standing but still wringing his wrist. "How did you hurt yourself . . .Frank?" There was a heavy judgmental tone to Paul's voice but that was lost on Frank, everything was lost on Frank, he was lost.
Watching this out pouring of love should have warmed over Frank's icy heart, it just made it ache, made it stall out and bleed. In the back of his head it started, so soft it was almost ambient sound but he could hear it, that song like an oversized music box, the sound of the carousel. It caused him to look at Dahlia with a twinge of resentment, why was she safe, alive, doing what little girls did while his baby girl was rotting six feet under.
"Frank?" Cordelia called out his name, she was worried, she'd seen dead fish with more life in their eyes than Frank.
"Oh here!" Dahlia was squirming in Cordelia's hold wanting to show Frank her dozen or so pictures of Max but Cordelia held her in place.
"Mr. Frank's tired Dahlia . . . I'll . . .I'll give it to him why don't you and Paul pick out what you want for breakfast, I'll make you anything you want." Cordelia was sure Frank wouldn't hurt Dahlia, if he could see her, there in lied the problem. The way his face was twitching, his hands spasming grabbing and releasing at nothing Frank was somewhere else entirely, somewhere she couldn't reach him.
"Cinnamon toast crunch and hot pockets!" Dahlia shrieked, finally kicking and elbowing her way to the floor.
"Shows her faith in your cooking skills . . . anything she wants and she asks for cereal and hot pockets." Paul swerved his slender body past the ice sculpture that was Frank. "Seriously Cordy, what's his problem?" Paul was dumbfounded out of the whole city why this guy?
"We all have problems Paul."
"Yeah but why is his problem your problem? You went thirteen years with one friend like the creepy loner you are and what you got curious? Wanted one of your own?"
"He's my neighbor." It wasn't a very good answer, but at the moment it was all she had. "Just go." She gave him a light shove deeper into the apartment, farther away from Frank.
"Frank?" Cordelia waved a hand in front of his face, it seemed to have no effect till something apparently caught his eye. He snatched one of Dahlia's straight out of her hands. It was Max of course, and next to the dog was a princess clad in pink from head to toe.
"What . . .what was it?" Frank was clutching the picture tight with both hands. "She was . . . what was she?" Frank's brain was tumbling, as the taunting sound of the carousel thumped against his ear drums he tried to remember.
He had been home, the time before last, it wasn't going to be for long but he had been home and was soaking up every second. It was Halloween, he remembered that. His son had been a ninja turtle, Leonardo, he remembered that, remembered carrying him halfway through the night because he was tired of walking. Lisa had been a princess . . . something pink, he remembered spraying that shit in her hair because that had to be pink too because she was . . . He blanked. He remembered, the spray hadn't really worked other than getting all over the bathroom, but she hadn't cared, she picked out that costume months ahead of time, she had to be . . .He blanked again, and the music grew louder. He remembered it was something from some kid's show he didn't get but try as he might he just blanked.
"Why can't I . . .What was she . . .I can't-" He continued mumbling.
"Frank?" Cordelia wanted to help, wanted to get him unstuck, but how do you unstick a mountain that might as well be a continent away?
"Why can't I fucking remember?" Frank slammed his fist into the wall, blood, his blood smeared against the beige paint. "Frank, it's ok-" She saw as his shoulders slumped inwards, could see his back rise and fall with every haggard breath. He was in pain, till this point Frank had seemed barely mortal, in this moment he seemed to be cracking.
"Cordy?" Paul stuck his head out the door.
"Not now Paul!" Cordelia shooed him away before mustering all her courage, taking soft quiet steps towards Frank as if he was a wild bear in the woods.
"O.K . . . O.K . . . You know that's what everyone tells themselves . . . That it's O.K . . . It's going to be O.K . . . Tell you the truth . . . Nothing's O.K . . . Hasn't been for a long time and . . . and it won't Cord it won't be O.K there are . . . there are things you can't fix, you can't put a fucking band-aid on and keep on going like everything's O.K. My brain . . ." He tapped a forefinger against his temple as he continue rambling. "Wouldn't let me die with my family Cord and now . . . it won't let me remember them, is that O.K? Either way you look at it I lose . . . I-"
"You're right." Cordelia waited till Frank finally had to pause to breath. "It's not O.K . . . and it's not fair-"
"Don't you-"
"And you're right I don't understand." She beat him to the chase. "And I have to admit for once I can't tell what someone wants, and I'm not alone, you and that brain of yours are not on the same page, your brain wants to preserve itself . . . you . . . I don't know."
"Fat lot of good that does me." Talking to Cordelia brought the volume down slightly, but the song looped on.
"What I do know . . . is you need some rest . . .and you need some space I can give you one, I can't make you do the other but I can heavily suggest it." As she placed a hand to Frank's back, he felt it, how incredibly worn and tired he was.
"Rest . . . for what? What am I saving the energy for?"
"To remember . . . to kill a bunch of people . . . to not kill Paul . . . to I don't know take your horse for a walk . . . to wake up tomorrow Frank, start there. If you need anything-"
"I don't need anything." Frank opened his still broken door "Can you not be a damsel in distress for one god damn minute?" He edited his statement.
"I can do that." She nodded, watching as he disappeared into his apartment, slamming his door behind him.
He wanted her to be wrong, he didn't need rest, he needed to keep going, but his bones ached, his muscles would soon give out on him, his head was about to burst. Between fighting Red, fighting Cordelia, snapping Paul, he had no fight left in him at the moment. He found his way to his futon and crashed. If he thought he would find peace in sleep he'd be sorely mistaken, he'd only be fighting some more.
He could still hear it, the song, but it was different, less mechanical . . . it was coming from a piano, not that junk keyboard in Cordelia's apartment, a real piano, the piano in his house, he was home. He walked slowly from the doorway where he stood to his den, sitting at his piano wasn't his son stashing cookies, it was Cordelia, playing that damn song.
"You'd think you'd be sick of it by now." She didn't turn to speak to him, just continued to play.
"You don't belong here." This house, his home was frozen in time, he had dreamt about it before, and it was never changing, always as it had been.
"Neither do you." And with a blink they were transported, in Frank's shithole apartment. Cordelia had a knife in her hand waving it around in the air in time to that music that still continued on. "Is this where you belong Frank? Surrounded by all of this?"
"I don't want-" He could feel his heart begin to beat heavy, his palms begin to sweat.
"You don't have to lie to me Frank. You don't know what you want anymore than I do. Not this? You sure? How about this?" This dream doppelganger was snide and ruthless, and gone.
He was back at the house, vertigo setting in from all the sudden atmosphere changes, but at least it was quiet, the song had stopped, but it quickly became too quiet, deathly quiet, just Frank and his pounding heart. After an eternity the silence broke, the phone rang. With no other option seemingly available, he walked over to it an unsteady clammy hand picked up the receiver, it was her again. "Did you think sending me away would bring them back? Do you think anything you're doing will bring them back? You're not that crazy are you Frank? If they did Frank, if they did come back would they even recognize the man you've become? You're not a husband anymore Frank, not a father, you're the Punisher and that's it. Tell me Frank do you believe in god?"
"What?" All these rapid fire questions were laying into him like heavy blows.
"What kind of god would take away your children? Your wife? Take away the good memories? But if there's not a god where does that leave them? Nowhere but the memories you can't hold onto. Maybe you're not the Punisher after all, maybe you're being punished."
"Stop it!" He threw the phone to the ground, stomping the life out of it.
"Why Frank?" She was behind him then quickly snaking in front of him, there was no escaping her. "Is that what you want? For me to stop? Because it's hard? Because you have to use that broken brain of yours?! You have to feel things? You know all I want is for you to be happy. If you want I'll stop . . . and then you'll really be alone Frank, and again it will be all your fault! So tell me again Frank, tell me to stop!" She was screaming at him, by this point nose to nose with him she shouted. Frank woke up drenched in sweat, he struggled for several long moments to catch his breath, sitting up grinding his teeth angry at this loss of control, that was enough 'rest' for one day. As it was it happened to be enough sleep for three days.
But it was unavoidable, snipers need sleep, to stay focused to stay effective they needed to rest. He delayed it as long as possible but there's only so much coffee one man can drink, eventually he had to sleep, he had to dream. His house again, this time his bed, this time Cordelia was nowhere to be found, there were arms around him, he knew those arms. "You can't hide here Frank." This voice wasn't pointed or accusatory, it was soft, comforting, he knew that voice.
"Maria."
"You promised Frank." She planted a butterfly kiss on the back of his neck.
"I promised." It didn't click what he had promised her but it didn't matter he'd burn the earth to ash if she asked.
"You would make them pay . . . for taking you away from us."
"I am. . . I will." He only hoped his determination was getting through in his tone because as they often did his words were failing him.
"You're losing it babe." She held him closer, trying to transfer some of her sanity to him.
"I . . .Yeah." He nodded closing his eyes, hoping this was finally the rest he had been searching for.
"Frank?"
"Hmmm?"
"Did you really think you could replace us?" Her voice was still gentle, still calm, still nice, but that question broke Frank into a thousand pieces, he sat up in the bed, staring over at Maria who was just laying there like she had asked what the weather was going to be like tomorrow.
"I wouldn't do that . . . I'm not." He was holding his head in his hands, he was so tired he could barely think.
"You're not getting it Frank." Cordelia was sitting on the edge of his bed, still in the pajamas he had last seen her in. "You get it right?" She addressed Maria, who nodded softly. "I'm not here to replace them." She leaned in, her face inches from Frank's. "I know what I am Frank." Her voice was a low whisper. "I'm just a quirky floozy, but that doesn't mean I can't show you a good time, I'm a bad person but I can make you happy can't I?" She kissed him, in his bed, next to his wife she had kissed him. He grabbed her shoulders, pulling her off of him.
"Don't." Frank was gulping hard, his heart and mind longed to stay with Maria, his body was aching for Cordelia.
"Frank, you can't replace us." Maria didn't sound mad as she laid a light hand on his shoulder, still comforting, still soothing.
"Tell me to stop Frank. Is that what you want? Tell me what you want Frank." Cordelia dared, kissing him again, once twice, a third time, he would pull away but she would not be denied, her hands were all over him, not soft like Maria's but deep, clawing and prying. Frank pulled his face away from Cordelia finally getting a chance to speak, though it was wasted effort.
"Please." He panted out a plead, for what he wasn't sure. For her to stop, for her to continue, for forgiveness from Maria, for all of it. Before either of the women in his life could answer his request he woke up again, still aching all over, every single part of him. It took him twice as long to regain any semblance of calm, a cold shower and lots of slow breathing.
He avoided Cordelia for about two weeks after that dream, he felt like every half glance at her was adulterous. Perhaps that's why he couldn't remember, maybe there wasn't enough room in his scrambled egg of a brain and Cordelia and Dahlia were shoving their way in, pushing his family out. He still knocked, checked in on them, even let Max out to play with Dahlia, because you don't just abandon a mission, you complete it, no matter what, there's no other option.
Days went on and on and Frank just got more and more tired as he trudged through them. One day was finally different than the others, not in a good way, but any change would at least keep Frank on his toes. He was being followed, by the looks of it a member of the kitchen Irish. 'Goin into business for yourself kid?' The Irish wanted their money, they were playing it smart . . . or at least smarter, they wouldn't have sent one fresh recruit to take Frank in, he knew they were coming, but this wasn't their plan. This was a punk with too much confidence, and no ability to realize he had gone from the hunter to the hunted. Frank had lead him astray, gotten ahead, deep in an alleyway, leveling an arm over a dumpster, taking aim and waiting.
Sure enough the freelancer turned the corner, sure enough shots rang out and sure enough Frank didn't miss, he never missed, down went the Irish, one shot one kill. There had been one thing Frank hadn't accounted for, how tired he was. That was the only explanation for why he wasn't the first one to fire his gun, the only reason he would allow himself to get shot. The pain was dull, barely registering over his all around ache, only the feeling of hot blood oozing from around his collar bone made Frank aware that he had been injured. "For fuck's sake." Grimacing as he turned his neck to try and get a better look at it, more annoyed than anything else. The bullet had gone straight through, he'd survive. He put pressure on the bleeding as he slowly walked to his van. Eventually he made his way back to the apartment building, each step was slow and heavy, he was wounded but more than anything else he was exhausted. He knocked on the wall as he always did, and then again he crashed.
"Frank?" It was Maria again, to his left. He was on his apartment floor, just laying there, bleeding.
"Hey Frankenstein?" And Cordelia to his right.
"Not now." He groaned. "I just . . . I need to fucking. . . sleep" He let out all the air in his lungs, the deepest of sighs.
"You can't give up Frank. You're stronger than that." Maria was wiping some sweat from his heavy brow.
"I ain't giving up Maria, I just . . ."
"You're losing it Frank, losing your cool." Cordelia's fingers were digging into the fresh hole near his shoulder blade, causing him to grunt and curse in pain.
"What do you want from me?!" He hissed through grinding teeth.
"Hey that's my line." Cordelia dug deeper still.
"Don't blame her Frank. For what they did to us, what they're doing to you." Maria continued to counter balance Cordelia's sadistic digging with light airy touching and petting.
"That's not it."
"What is it then Frank? Why are you pushing us away? Why are you so angry at us Frank?" He was sure her fingers were going straight through him.
"I don't want to replace them, they're my fucking family Cord! I want to remember them! I don't want you to replace them."
"Why didn't you just say so?" She pulled her fingers out, a huge smile on her face, she looked less vicious, more like the Cordelia he knew in real life, her ambush laughter taking him by surprise as always. "You always make things so difficult Frank. I can help you with that, I just want you to be happy."
"Keep spraying Dad" It was that Halloween all over again. It was Frank and Lisa crammed into her little bathroom.
"I'm spraying. I'm spraying." The can hissed as glittery pink glue smelling dye crystallized on his daughter's long brown locks.
"Is it pink? Princess Bubblegum has pink hair Dad!"
"Yeah, Yeah I know she does. You look pink and sparkly Lisa." He chuckled as the container emptied.
"And smart." She added with attitude.
"What?"
"She's smart too, she's pink and sparkly and smart . . .Princess Bubblegum can kick butt just like Finn and Jake." All those words were basically gibberish to him, he had no idea who any of those people were.
"You're all those things Lis, it's perfect O.K? You're . . . Bubblegum " He hadn't blanked, he had remembered.
"See Frank? I'm not the bad guy here. You just made me that way . . .Jerk. I'm not trying to replace them, If you want to remember I can help you, it might not be pretty though, it might hurt." Cordelia had taken his hand in hers giving it a light squeeze. "
"You can't replace us Frank, even if you tried, you couldn't." Maria leaned down and kissed Frank's forehead. "You can't live in the past and the present, you can't split yourself in two Frank. We'll be here, we are here, even when you can't remember, you're not just the Punisher, we know that, you have to know that too Frank." Maria kissed him on the lips.
"You gotta wake up now Frank." Cordelia squeezed his hand tighter still.
His head was in her lap, as she held towels against his shoulder. "Frank?!" She had run over when she heard a thud from his apartment, he had hit the floor right after knocking. "Hey Frank wake up." She knew shaking him was not a good idea but she didn't know what else to do, Cordelia wasn't a doctor.
"I'm awake, stop beating on me!" Frank groaned as his eyes fluttered open.
"Scared the shit out of me." Cordelia let out a heavy sigh.
"The blood?" Frank reached up a hand, sloppily palming the features of her face, she did look quite pale.
"Yeah Frank the blood." She laughed, slightly leaning into his touch.
"Sorry for the mess Ma'am, wasn't expecting company." His voice strained as he slowly sat up.
"Should I have called the hospital?" Cordelia's stupid questions never failed, he simply scoffed at her.
"There's the Frank I know. You've grown out your hair I barely recognized you." It didn't matter that her hand was covered in his blood, she couldn't help but run her fingers through the few inches of hair that had sprouted up in their weeks apart. He didn't flinch away from her touch, he even smirked slightly this was O.K.